The Ears Of Solitude

[Derricklesters2009]

This was my dream last night:

Derrick choked lightly on the black dust in the air of the shaded gray woods. His eyes tracked the area around him to find that he was completely alone. He knew not of why h was laying in the inch deep ash that float upon the dead grass and dead, unhealthy dirt.

He put one hoof on his right knee as he brought it up. Wait... hoof? He looked at his hands. He stared intensively noting the gray fur that cover his arms. He stood and eyed the opening in the trees. It appeared to be a trail of some kind. He took a step and stopped when he heard the sound of another footfall. He turned quickly to find a small cheetah standing behind him. Without thinking twice he recognized her as his life long love, Carrie. He braced her and said, "I thought you were dead." As he said this he realized that Carrie looked nothing like this. He thought nothing of her existence and had never believed that she was dead for he never knew this human cheetah hybrid creature even existed.

"Can we go now, Derrick? The air here dries out my skin." She asked. Her voice was quiet but punctual like the soft rhythm of a trumpet saxophone duet accompanied by quaint wire brush drum kits.

She knows my name? He thought as they carried themselves out of the dark wooded forest. Within seconds of battling branches of the low grown trees, he felt no more foliage and looked out to see the warm, bright sun beating heat down on to white snow. The snow began melting immediately as the suns rays cut into the frigid material and created a large river that began to run down the bright green grass of the mountain. Carrie suddenly grabs Derrick and threw them both into the water.

The water, somehow leaving the area dry as bones as it ran over the tiny blades of green. He also found that the water did not penetrate his clothing. His black jeans were not wet though he vividly experienced the wetness of total submersion. The water rushed faster and faster carrying the two down the mountain at incredible speed. He could see through the crystal clear water. The slight distortion from looking through the waves was his only indication that he wasn't just floating in mid air. He reached downward and felt the surprisingly dry grass blades as he zipped across them.

Carrie was also noticeably calm as if she had done this before. He spoke to her, "Carrie, is this normal?" His voice sounded like he was in a recording studio. As if his entire head was wrapped in sound proofing material. He could feel himself shouting over the rushing disembodied river. She looked back to him angrily.

"You don't have to yell. You're hurting my ears!" She said with slight irritation. Her voice seemed to be transported directly to his ear drums as her voice seemed to not even be her own. As if when she spoke her voice was being projected from his own vocal cords. Her furry mouth followed the pattern of the language, but it didn't seem like her voice.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly, " I just thought that you had to talk over the sound."

She rolls her eyes and says, "You have a lot to remember. It's going to be a son of a bitch trying to teach you your whole life over again."

"Wait!" He reached out to grab her and turn her back facing him but he forgot that he is in rushing water. His hand shooting out to grab her caused him to gyrate violently and spin out of control.

"Seriously, Derrick. I warned you about going into the forest, but you didn't listen!" She scolded.

Still spinning chaotically, "What are you talking about? I don't know what you're -" He stopped in mid sentence to see the cliff coming up fast. His heart stopped and immediately climbed as fast as it could and took shelter in his vocal cords. He was attempting to scream in shear terror of falling over the cliff but his heart was lodged in his throat. The water seemed to pick up speed as if it knew that the cliff was coming. Carrie could see his uncontrollable fear and shook her head.

"Calm down, Derrick. It's not that far down." His eyes tracked the edge as he said his goodbyes. Both of them went over the cliff and Derrick immediately thought, Jesus! That's easily a few miles!

The water kept gaining speed as they fell at a higher rate every second. His eyes widened with every mile per hour gained. He savored every breath he took to the point of not even realizing that he could breathe in the water. Every one of his internal organs seemed to grow small hands and begin crawling upward in his chest cavity. The ground was speeding toward him and he muscled over his heart and let out a blood curdling scream. As they fell he could see a gigantic pair of bright pink lips in the middle of the ground. They seemed to be careening right towards them.

As they neared the pale pink lips, they opened wide and the water slid inside. Suddenly it was dark. Derrick couldn't see anything, but he could feel the g-forces pulling down on his as if they were changing direction. There was a light at the end of a tunnel. The water suddenly slowed and dropped them off lightly onto the grass. The water stopped right in front on them leaving both of them dry and immediately turned to ice. A large glacier stood in front of them. Derrick stood in awe at the large frozen mass noting the outstanding heat.

Carrie walked off without getting hung up on the fact that water just froze in 80 degree weather. The glacier slowly began fragmenting into snow and floating back up to the top of the mountain. Derrick was grabbed by Carrie and dragged off down the trail.

They went through the trees and he looked upon the dip in the ground ahead of them. Six massive, red, and angry squid head protruded from the ground. The heads had doors on them and windows as well with families clearly living inside the squid houses.

"Carrie, what is this?"

"Our village, Derrick. And it's in trouble."

"How?"

"The houses are angry. They're very angry."

"Why?"

"The youths are destructive and rowdy. Because they have no fathers, there is no one there to tell them how to act and no person there to tell them what not to do."

"Where did the fathers go?"

"You mean father?"

Derrick squinted. "There's only one father?"

"Yes, Derrick. That father is you."

"What?" He asked. His jaw dropped as his head was suddenly flooded with the memories of his thirty four children. He suddenly remembered their names and all of the mothers. He looked to Carrie. "Why would I make so many children? Why with so many different women? Why do I have no children with you?"

She smiled, "I am flattered that you would like me to bear your children but it's not allowed. You are the leader of the village; thus, you populate this village. I am your wife and according to the laws of this land, I am your companion and your life partner, but it is illegal for me to bear your children."

"Wives are supposed to bear the children of their husbands."

"That was the rules hundreds of years ago, back on earth. Now, things have changed. You had no problem with the law before. What's changed?"

"Nothing! I have always wanted to be yours. I love you."

"The ash forest must have affected you worse than I thought."

"What do you mean? why don't you want my children?"

"Because that's just weird. We manage the village together, imagine if we started sleeping together." She chuckled lightly. Derrick found it not a bit humorous at all. She may look nothing like the Carrie he thought he knew, but she was still Carrie. She may not be human anymore but he didn't care. He was in love with this woman and he wanted to be with her and only her for life. What happened in the ash forest? What is the ash forest?

"Carrie," He plead, "Love me like you used to." tears beaded on his lashes, "Please remember what we used to have."

"Derrick..." She recoiled. "What's wrong with you? We have things we need to tend to other than your strange sacrilegious fantasies. You've been gone for almost three months and the youths need your help. Our village is in trouble!"

"Okay..." He sauntered over to two children pulling on either side of a toy snake.

"Gimme it!" One shouted.

"You leggo!" The other commanded. Derrick walked up calmly and took the snake from both of them and yanked it harshly from their hands.

Derrick looked into their large curious eyes. These were his children. He could feel it in his soul.

"Children... Go to your room." He demanded softly. Both children stared back at him emptily. Anger grew in him quickly and he suddenly shouted to them, "NOW!" They recoiled in terror then ran back to the nearest squid and crawled inside. The squid morphed slowly into what looked like a fisherman helmet with large glass and calm looking goggles atop of them.

Strangely enough, all of the children were standing in horror as they realized that the rule enforcer was back. They all retired to their angry cephalopod homes and the odd transformation into fisherman helmets took place.

The seventeen mothers on the doorsteps waved in affirmation and approval.

"There, was that all?" Derrick asked Carrie.

"Yeah. That was pretty simple actually." She chuckled. "Well, I'll see you around, Derrick!" She started away.

"Wait! We need to talk!" Derrick shouted after her but he was stopped by a young husky.

"She has better things to do right now. She is a very busy woman." The husky said to Derrick. He couldn't help but pick up a slightly seductive tone.

"That's nice... um..." He tried to remember the female's name and suddenly it came to him. "Carla. I am the leader of this group and I wish to speak with my wife."

"You have all day to talk to your wife." Carla turns and begins walking slowly toward one of the helmets.

"Well, I have a lot of ground to cover."

"You know what I hear?" She asked him over a shoulder.

"What do you hear?"

"That the Askot village to the east has thirty six children. We don't want them to be better than us now do we?"

"That's what I need to discuss with MY WIFE!!" Derrick demanded.

"Are you sure you don't want to come back to my place?" She asked.

"... Why am I giving you the time of day?" He asked her. He was really asking himself. Without a word he turned away and went to the leader's cabin where his wife was. As he knocked on the door, Carrie opened it.

"What do you need?" She asked.

"We need to talk." He stated, letting himself in.

"About what?"

"About this law that you were talking about. Why can't you be my only wife?"

"Monogamy is kind of looked down on since the end of the world."

[then I woke up]

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

that.... was awesome. Seriously, one of the best stories I've read on this site. The images are incredible, the last line is just bang on perfect and it makes so much sense.

You're only problem is that judging purely from this one story, you're unskilled. You repeat yourself all the time, sometimes you just tell the audience things instead of showing it through these incredible images and sounds and tactile feelings, and often you feel you have to clarify your metaphors. Don't clarify them, dont over-explain them.

If you can write a story of the top of your head with the same imagination that you dream with, then I reallly really want you to write more.

[Derricklesters2009]

I actually wrote that right here in the forum box without a word processor.

Having read back over it, You are completely spot on correct. I completely agree with you.

I was really trying to record my dream down and post it exactly the way I remember it specifically with out losing any time.

I sat down in front of the computer and started writing without stopping. that is why the characters are somewhat unrealistic and hollow.

Thanks for the comment!

If you would like to continue this story that I wrote, I actually spent time on this chapter:

WARNING: MILD SEXUAL THEMES

EYES OF SOLITUDE

----Chapter 2----

“The end of the world?” Derrick exclaimed in disbelief. His fingers grew achy with incomprehension and exasperation. He just could not believe that the end of the world has come and gone and he survived it. Although, he underwent a major cosmetic change. He didn’t like being an animal, he wanted to be a human again, but he was grateful to have survived the end of the world; therefore, he would be able to get over the whole ‘fur’ thing over time.

“You’ll remember it all in a few weeks when the Ouval’s venom stops affecting you.”

“Ouval?” He asked her in a gritty irritated tone. He wanted her to hear that he was tired of her treating his amnesia like it was no big deal, like he wasn’t stressed as ***Auto-Censor*** about the entire thing, and as if he enjoyed the idea of the world as he knew it coming to an end. She raised a brow in a cynical fashion and that action was the straw that broke the camel’s back. “What is that?!” His exclaiming loudly to her took her by surprise as she gyrated for a brief second. He threw his arms up in frustration. “I don’t know what that is! I don’t know what’s going on, where we are, what we’re supposed to be doing, or what we even are!” He continued shouting furiously though his irate vocabulary ran together and was nothing more than a loud annunciated string of unintelligible vocalizations.

“Stop, Derrick! Please be quiet and I‘ll explain!” Carrie yelled over him, “Derrick! Calm down! Please!” She continued to call at him. She grabbed him on the shoulders and shook him trying to pull him out of his steep dive into his breakdown. It didn’t seem to be working and she felt helpless.

“I’m sorry, Derrick!” She sobbed. “Please, come back to me!” She cried to him wishing she had been more sensitive about his weakened mental state. She plead with both paws on either side of his head holding his face close to hers and weeping dramatically.

This was a sound he knew. This was the first thing in this new world that had remained completely the same despite all of the differences that he encountered since he woke up in the ash forest. He stopped, not breaking his blank stare at the wall behind Carrie, and simply listened to her cry. It was a soft sound that contained a specific rhythm of irregular breaths and quiet, high register moans.

It bothered him. The discreet and seemingly soothing sound of halcyon weeping troubled him as he hated to hear the noise of her sadness. He slid his hands around either side of her arms that hung on either side of her figure. He pulled her close and squeezed her tightly with warmth.

He released and she looked up to meet his downward gaze. “Are you okay?” She asked him wiping the moisture from the fur on her right cheek. She sniffed lightly and studied his face searching for a possible unspoken response to her question.

Derrick smiled lightly and nodded almost unnoticeably. His stare dropped to his feet as he took a deep breath and shook off the recent dip into insanity.
Carrie sniffed, “It’s just that we haven’t ever had anyone be trapped in the Ash forest for as long as you have.”

“Others have gone in there?” He asked. “What happened to them?”

She frowned trying to think of a way to explain the history of their knowledge of the Ash Forest without upsetting Derrick. Naturally, she told the story where the victim was harmed the least.

“His name was Pepper.” She started after pausing for a short moment to gather her story. Then, she continued to detail the event to Derrick.

Carrie histrionically recalled the incident specifying that the casualty had not actually been effected directly by the Ash Forest itself, but the young fur had been attacked by a small flying creature that resembled something like a jelly fish that had no bright color but instead was covered by a thick layer of rough, leathery skin. It’s bulbous head fluctuated to keep the fast moving creature afloat in the Ash Forest’s low gravity environment. It was extremely furtive and the prey almost never even realizes that the Ouval has gotten a hold of them.

The Ouval is a strange monster that does not eat literally, but lives and feeds on the memories of other organisms. Pepper, a white leopard from a nearby village, was only about eleven years old and was caught in a game of Truth or Dare with a group of older furs. One of them thought that it would be a great idea to see if the young fur would go into the Ash Forest. Being easily duped, the child agreed to take five steps into the grey, rotted, and hell-like place with the reward of a kiss from one of the older girls. Needless to indicate, he never received that kiss.

He completed the five steps, announced to the onlookers, “Five!” and started back. The young girl screamed in horror at the sight of the kid’s memory being siphoned from his brain. The long, black and vile tentacles punctured his head at the top and side releasing a toxin that numbed immediately. The child couldn’t figure out why his supposed friends were acting frightened the way they were until three weeks later when he finally remembered everything the Ouval had taken from him.

Now, the leopard is the leader of a hunting pack that gathers food for his tribe once a week. Completely returning to reality and becoming totally normal again gives Carrie hope that Derrick will be just fine.

She did not continue to say what she thought of the situation. She knew that the boy was being drained of his memory for four minutes and ten seconds from the time one of the adults heard the first scream to the time that a skilled bow hunter shot the Ouval and killed it; thus, ending the flow of toxins.
Derrick was in the Ash Forest for three months and no one would ever know exactly how long the Ouval would have affected him or why it would’ve left him alone when Carrie found him.

“So, you risked you own mind being invaded by a bizarre flying beast to save me?” He smiled warmly. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

“You don’t have to. That’s why we married, because I knew you would have my tail when I got into trouble. I figured that I might as well return the favor for you.” Carrie chuckled though she obviously didn’t feel like laughing because Derrick falling mentally a moment ago still had her upset. He could tell that she was still distressed about his inexplicable explosive behavior earlier.

“If it will make you feel better, we can ride the unreasonably frightening water down the insanely tall mountain again.” He figured maybe a light attitude would bring her up and help her forget that he is cerebrally ill. Tears swelled at the corners of her eyes before cascading down her face skipping across the stunted hairs on her cheeks.

“You used to love that.” She confessed. He frowned for a moment trying to think of everything that cheered up the real Carrie that he knew. He held open his mouth and slowly glided his head from side to side slightly with his eyes tracking the entire inside of the cabin trying to find something that would trigger a memory of what to do. Odd skips of vocal strains began clicking from his throat as he was on the verge of saying something, but he didn’t know what to say. What ever it was that he needed to convey to this woman was directly on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t seem to be able to speak it. Her head hung from her shoulders as her face contorted in an attempt to keep her self from weeping again. She put her paws onto her face and began crying softly.

“Please, Carrie. Don’t cry. Although we had to go through the end of the world, we both survived which is good.” He paused as he almost reconsidered speaking as it didn’t seem to be helping her feel better. “We may not be human anymore but that’s fine. I still l-”

"What?” Carrie interrupted. “Derrick, we we’re never human. The humans all died out years ago.” Her eyes grew wide as she forgot that he is psychologically weak at the moment. She began stuttering madly trying to fix what she had just done.

“Years?” He asked. “But I remember being human years ago.” She stopped for a moment and stared deeply into his eyes.

“Derrick,” She started. “You have been married to me for about twelve years and I have known you your whole life. You asked me to marry you on the Serpent Bluff and that’s when my Dad gave you the village as new leader.” She tried to get him to remember by explaining many other things but he stopped listening as an idea was brewing and he was waiting for her to stop talking. Finally, he interrupted her.

“Take me there.” He demanded.

“The birthing room where you had your first child or the hut where you first made love to Carla?”

“Neither, I want you to…” He paused as her last statement struck him. “I had sex with Carla, seriously?”

“Yes, she was your partner in your first mating session of your life. I witnessed all of it and it was so incredibly magical.” She smiled and stared into the ceiling as if she was a cartoon character in some fairy tale. Her spirit clearly lifted as they conversed about it.

“Tell me what happened.” Derrick thought it might trigger a series of memories that may bring him back to reality and make the gap of darkness in his mind prior to waking up in the forest come back to him.

“Well, you had just been deemed Village Leader the week before, so we were talking about how we were going to run things around here and suddenly you looked at me and said, ‘who is that Husky babe out there?’ And I told you that she was Carla. You said that you wanted her to be your first mate, so I went outside and talked to her. We set the whole thing up for later that night.” Carrie’s heart fluttered as she began recalling the captivating event. Derrick watched as the happiness grew within her and reflected in the intensity of her storytelling. She stepped back as she began using large and wide hand motions.

“That’s when,” Carrie continued with a now continuous smile on her face, “Carla strutted in wearing an elegant, jeweled choker,” She leaned in closely to intensify the next part for her audience, “… and nothing else.”

[To be continued...]
[The next chapter will most likely have an ADULT rating. ]

Post Merge: January 15, 2010, 07:40:10 AMI would like to post chapter 3, but it is EXTREMELY explicitly sexual.

Do not click unless you are 18+
[LINK REMOVED]

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Ok... I can't lie, I'm kinda disappointed in this chapter. Most of the beautiful imagery is gone and everything is overclarified.
For example

He slid his hands around either side of her arms that hung on either side of her figure.

We know where people's arms are, there's no need to tell us.

Also, you use words that are complicated for the sake of being complicated. That's never a good move.
For example:

Needless to indicate, he never received that kiss.

Just say "Needless to say, he never received that kiss." Needless to indicate doesnt sound right.

You also outright say what someone is feeling from an objective standpoint. We're meant to feel those emotions, and personally I cant feel anything if you just say, "Carrie chuckled though she obviously didn’t feel like laughing because Derrick falling mentally a moment ago still had her upset." You should show that conflict of laughter through sadness, physically and metaphorically. How does it feel, how does it look, stuff like that. Plus, if it's "obvious" then there's no reason to clarify it.

Oh yeah and

weeping dramatically.

is just plain bad. Dont say it's dramatic, ofcourse it's dramatic, it's meant to be dramatic, that's why you're making her cry. It's like saying "Psycho stabbed her scarily". It totally pulls me out of the story.


BUT!

there is good in here. There are the little seeds of glory from the flowers I read in the previous chapter. The Ouval is great, I love the images involved, I love the idea of it, it's very Doctor Who, very interesting.
And the overall idea is still interesting still has some weight to it.

The thing is, you have talent, you have great ideas and as I said before, you're unskilled. I think the reason the first story was so good was that it was taken fresh, straight out of your mind. Your skills need to catch up with your mind and when it does, your stuff will be brilliant.


Oh yeah and you're gonna get in trouble for posting that link here

[Derricklesters2009]

I agree that the imagery is gone. I actually said to my girlfriend that was watching me, "There is nothing in this chapter that will WOW people like the first one did."

She agreed and obviously you do too.

Overview of the third chapter for those who are under 18 and who won't get the link from me  :

Carla ritualistically mates with Derrick as Carrie watches. Carrie imagines herself in Carla's position because Carrie is secretly attracted to Derrick. It is illegal to make love to your husband because the relationship is pure and intercourse is an impure action that is not to be experienced by two that have a pure relationship. An example of a pure relation is Father and Son. Husband and Wife is viewed in this way.

Carla has figured out that Carrie wants Derrick in a non-sanctimonious fashion but doesn't say anything.

The chapter was written overly explicit for the purpose of showing my commissioner my style when writing erotic literature. So four pages go by and ^that is all you get from it.

Chapter 2 was the boring chapter that explains stuff without having to draw it out so it's necessary but no one likes it anyway.

I will be posting Chapter 4, which will hopefully be as amazing as the first, tomorrow.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Chapter 2 was the boring chapter that explains stuff without having to draw it out so it's necessary but no one likes it anyway.

Actually that's exactly what a lot of writers try not to do. Sacrificing fun for an exposition dump is never a good choice, unless there is truly no other option, and when it comes to writing, then there's always another option. I mean, in your first chapter, you said loads, using that imagery and some choice dialogue. In the second chapter you said around the same amount, maybe less except it took you longer to say it and with far less fun stuff. use the images to tell a story, dialogue should rocket the exposition forward, and you should trust your audience to comprehend things. Dont be intentionally vague, just be entertaining. After all, this is all entertainment.

[Derricklesters2009]

I really took your advice to heart when I wrote this next chapter.
Carrie my g/f says that she likes this one a lot so I hope to please you as well!

EYES OF SOLITUDE

----Chapter 4----

Derrick nodded, “So, that’s how it happened?”

“Yep.” Carrie giggled, “down to every drop of detail.”

He was surprised to see her excitement in telling that story because to him it sounded like infidelity. Realizing that her long and explicit story hadn’t brought him out of his amnesia, he cocked his head and raised a brow.

“What is so special about Serpent’s Bluff?” He asked.

“That is where you asked me to be your wife.” She bounced with a slight pride and excitement.

Derrick suddenly had emotion running through his body as he realized that this cheetah was the Carrie he knew back when he was human. She hasn’t changed a bit.

“Why did I propose there?” Derrick wondered.

Carrie’s eyes tracked away from Derrick as she thought for a moment. She couldn’t find the words to capture the mystic beauty of the moment. She suddenly came back to Derrick, “Do you want to just SEE why?” She inquired.
Derrick agreed to follow her to Serpent’s Bluff and see for himself the reason he chose that spot to propose.

“If this doesn’t bring you back, I don’t know what will.” Carrie joked.

She grabbed his hoof and lead him enthusiastically with a skip in her step out the large front door. The sun blinded him as his eyes adjusted to the light. The sun was brighter than he remembered, a lot brighter.

“Why is the damn sun so bright?” He exclaimed.

“Because there’s three of them! That’s why it’s called the Trio. The Solitary is over there!” She pointed to a small, dim sun in the opposite sky. There’s four suns in the future? He asked himself.

He became lost in incomprehensive thought and suddenly found himself in front of a forest of bushes while following Carrie along the trail.

The bushes were gigantic and swept from side to side as if blowing in the wind while in slow motion. Carrie began explaining that the Cubush is a naturally occurring completely cubic bush.

It’s got to be ten feet tall, derrick thought as they entered the trench like opening in the bushes where a small dirt line went straight through. He felt tiny because of the surrounding colossuses that enclosed around them.

Derrick suddenly felt a small insect burrowing into his fur. Panic raced to his hand where he rubbed wildly on the back of his neck where the tingling sensation was coming from.

“Shit! Shit!” He whispered as he couldn’t locate the bug in his thick fur. He brought up his other hand and clawed at the back of his neck. A pink thing caught his eye on the right and caught him off guard. His head jerked to meet a long fingered tree branch directly in his face seeming to reach out to him.
His eyes felt like they were going to pop right out of his head as he screamed backing away from the slow moving branch until his back was to the ten foot Cubush. The pink branch continued toward him and every inch it moved closer he screamed louder. The fear coursing through his body kept him from thinking to move to the side.

Derrick suddenly felt pressure on his arms. His head swiveled quickly to find that more pink, wood like arms were grabbing his shoulders holding him against the Cubush behind him. He struggled for freedom but was surprised to find that the thin, pink, three digited limbs were stronger than he was.

Carrie crossed her arms and smiled. He was in no danger and she knew that.

“Derrick,” She said calmly, “you’re okay. Just relax.”

He stopped struggling instantly, tense and stiff as a board. The creature seemed to be reaching out of the Cubush. The tiny hands felt around his neck as it poked and prodded at him. It wasn’t long before he figured out that it was after the bug. The other limbs released him and he stood slowly, the branch following him. He could feel minor sprits of air coming from the finger tips. He turned his head slowly in an attempt to keep from scaring it, and could see small openings at the top of the fingers right behind where a non-existent fingernail would be. It flexed inward and relaxed outward as if it was smelling him. This long, thing, prehensile thing must be the Cubush’s nose.
The digits reached into the hair, which was standing on end at the back of his neck, and extracted the beetle like insect. It was a terribly ugly cretin that was colored a deep red. It was plump, fat and seemed squishy under the grip of the Cubush’s nose.

The nasal limb retracted into the Cubush where it dropped the bulbous insect into the leaves. The saturated earth green leaves immediately began spinning violently like helicopter blades chopping the bug into small pieces. The liquid filled beetles was pulverized into a fine puree that soaked into the dirt. In a matter of seconds, the bug was completely gone into the ground without a trace of wetness as if it was sucked down into the earth.

Derrick stared intently in curiosity as a small pedestal seemed to rise out of the ground and lift up a tiny trough that held the slimy purple liquid that used to be a bug. A bright green tube extended from the end of the elongated bowl and began slurping the juice from it.

“Gross.” He said quietly to himself.

“That’s the way it eats.” Carrie stated sarcastically, “You know, this isn’t Serpent’s Bluff.”

“I know.” Derrick answered. “It doesn’t mean that it’s not cool.”

“Let’s go before night falls, please.” Carrie chuckled.

He smiled to her and nodded.

They left the Cubush trench and continued along the grassy slope.

“Come on!” She announced cheerfully as she began skipping down the hill. He noticed as she ran that the grass was moving. As her foot came down, a perfect footprint was made a split second before her paw hit the ground. It was crawling out of the way just in time then returning slowly. He knelt down and put his palm down on the ground. The grass literally sprouted tiny tentacles and scooted out of the way making the perfect shape of his hand.

“Whoa.” Derrick exclaimed as he listened to the sound the blades made as if they were speaking to each other using a series of squeaks and clicks.

“Derrick!” Carrie shouted from the bottom of the incline.

“Oh! Okay.” He jumped up and sprinted to her while still watching in fascination at the living grass. Carrie continued shouting to him, yelling his name again and again.

“I’m coming! I’m co-” Suddenly he was slammed by something. The collision threw him into the air. A barrage of colors as his eyes failed to track his movement while he careened through the air. He grunted when he crashed onto the ground, knocking the wind from his lungs. He gasped for air as he sat up and looked around trying to find what hit him.

There was a large blue tree like creature standing about twenty feet from him. It seemed be upside down with the roots sticking out into the air. A sphere the size of a basketball seemed to be sticking out of the top of the roots. It swiveled slowly, bearing two large and creepy looking black eyes that blinked often. It growled at Derrick in obvious irritation. Four thick vines hung down from each side of the square trunk. The mouth opened and released a long low bellow as it rocked backward and forward increasingly. It violently propelled itself back and tiny feet were pulled out of the ground as it leaned. It fell onto the two short legs and took off running with surprising speed. It roared in a low register as it galloped away on it’s little legs.

Carrie jogged to Derrick. The ball shifted quickly and tracked her movement. As she neared the tree thing, on her way to Derrick, the vine closest to her whipped out and pointed to her as if to say, “This is my bubble. Stay out of it!” He must have been flicked away by one of those powerful tentacles.
Derrick remained on the ground, but by now he’s caught his breath.

“Are you okay?” She asked trying not to laugh while he was looking right at her.

“Yeah.” He exhaled.

Carrie grabbed his arm and pulled him up. He was surprised to feel her strength. Her furry form was much stronger than her human form that he remembers.

“What was that?” He questioned.

“A Retek. They’re not aggressive unless you mess with it and you were about to run straight into it.” She chuckled.

“The grass was moving… and… it was cool.” Derrick explained.

“Grass?” She raised a brow. “What are you talking about?”

Derrick reached over himself, grabbed a blade, and held it up. The petite tentacles flailed wildly as it searched for the ground he took from it.

Derrick held the tiny green sliver up to Carrie and stated confidently, “This.”

She cocked her head and smiled. “That’s not a ‘grass’, Derrick. It’s a Klarkit.”

“Okay. I thought it was grass.” He said as he stood.

She laughed, “Why?”

“When we were humans, it wasn’t alive, it didn’t move, and it was called grass.” Derrick brushed himself off, “Let’s see this Bluff.”

“No stopping this time, okay?” She asked.

“Yes! Let’s go.” He rushed her along.

She took him by the hand and lead them both up to a giant rocky mountain that seemed to tower miles high and miles to either side. He was just hoping that he wasn’t going to have to climb it.

She pushed him back a few feet then held up a finger, “One sec, ‘kay?” She asked him. He nodded in affirmation. “This is always cool.” She told him with a smile.

She walked over to the ground and grabbed a small pink flower about the size of her thumb and she pulled as hard as she could yanking a vine out of the ground. She tugged with so much force that she almost knocked herself off her own feet. The ground shook violently and it seemed to explode as the Klarkits suddenly took flight and flew away from the large mountain leaving only the grayish blue dirt around the gargantuan rock mass visible.

Carrie reaches down and grabs the vine at the closest point to the ground and yanks it further. She walks to a Cubush nearby and ties it to one of the pink limbs.

Unexpectedly, the mountain began falling into the ground at an incredible speed and disappeared deep into the ground within seconds, leaving a deep black gaping cavern below. She waved to him signaling to follow as she leapt fearlessly over the seemingly endless void.

Derrick looked into the hole from about four feet away. “Over there?” He asked nervously.

“Yeah! Serpent’s Bluff is just over this hill!” She pointed to the knoll just beyond the **censor** scary-ass abyss of death.

Derrick shook out his hands trying to relieve his apprehension. Studying the cavity, he dropped his hands to his knees and exhaled long and hard in another attempt to cure his anxiety. It wasn’t working. He turned and took a few steps away from the hollow in the ground.

He swiftly broke into a run at the chasm screaming defiantly in the face of fear. He reached the edge and propelled himself into the air as high as he could. He soared through the air with his eyes closed. He felt his heart stop as it waited to see if it ever had to beat again. He put his toes out to catch the ground as he predicted but felt nothing but air. He opened his eyes to see that he still had about two feet to go before he hit the ground. He could seriously soar and he didn’t even realize it. This new body is a lot more powerful. He slammed into the ground and expected to hurt his feet on contact due to the height but was surprised to find that he was able to catch himself without a hitch.

Derrick looked up to Carrie and smiled. He looked over his own body noting that his arms were large and bulging which was different from his normal human body where he was anything but fit. His eyes tracked upward from his own feet. His legs were Olympic, his stomach was flat, and his chest was cut.

“Do you want to stop looking at yourself and check out Serpent’s Bluff or what?” Carrie asked holding in her laughter. He looked up quickly and walked over the small Klarkit covered hill.

Derrick looked over the cliff. The scene stole his breath from his body.
At this height, he could see for miles into the distance. There was a purple water fall plummeting from a bluff that was easily five miles from the ground into a cavern below where the inertia flowed into one side of the hole and out another. It was a purple sea serpent made completely of water that seemed to slither into and out of the ground all the way across the horizon. The Klarkits didn’t completely cover the ground down there and he observed in amazement as the grass migrated across the plain of grayish blue. A shiny creature caught his eye. A giant creature that resembled a headless gorilla made of rigid diamond roamed to the south and interrupted the flow of the giant waterfall bouncing across the landscape as it walked in front of the aerial stream.

“Holy crap.” Derrick said to Carrie. His jaw still agape.

“I know. Remember proposing here? It was incredible.” Carrie stated.

“Proposing…” Derrick’s eyes averted to the ground.

“Yeah. You asked me to marry you.” Carrie said.

“Carrie…” Derrick looked into her eyes, “We were people. You and I were married and human.”

“Please, Derrick.” Carrie’s mood sagged, “Not this again.”

“Listen, I remember being human. I remember you being human.” Derrick explained.

“No, Derrick! I already told you. The human all died years ago. Not just a few years ago, but something like, seven or eight centuries ago!"

Derrick's heart sank. "Centuries?" Derrick questioned. His arms sagged in hopelessness.

"Yes." Carrie answered. "They all died out after they came here from Earth.”

[My favorite chapter that I have written so far!]

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Yeah this one is much more fun. It's so incredibly imaginative, seriously your mind is a brilliant place.

But as always, there are things to criticise. You still overclarify and some of the sentences are kind of clunky.
Also, you indulge a bit too much in the environment when some of it could be cut out since it doesnt contribute to the plot. In my opinion, I think only the running tree doesnt contribute at all. The rest works generally well.


The last sentence kinda works but loses its sting since the first chapter used the exact same technique. Also i think the sentence seems really... flat and unintuitive. it doesnt really work with regular speech

"They all died out after they came here from Earth.”
this could easily be something that sounds more natural like,
"They couldn't handle it on this planet"
"(Planet's name) was too much for them"
"They died shortly after arriving"

I think the sentence actually suffers from over clarification, you're too focus on hammering home the fact that this isnt earth, when as far as the character's concerned, it's an off the cuff remark. It's just common sense to her, so she would hammer it home like that.


but either way, this was so much better, seriously you got proper imaginative talent there.

[Derricklesters2009]

Yeah. I really was trying to tell the reader, THIS ISN'T EARTH! THEY'RE ON ANOTHER PLANET!!!

I enjoy reading critisism, especially negative criticism because it helps me, so I appreciate the help that you provide by reading my lit and providing a voice for the readers. [Seriously, I didn't realize how many people read this story. I have people PMing me on my FA page and I was like, "Oh... so... you read my story?"

I thought I had an audience of about four. [My G/F who really enjoys the story, you, and two others that I know are reading it regularly.] But I guess it's more like, twenty or twenty-five.

Anywho, thanks for the critique. I really appreciate it!

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

yeah that happens to everyone. Most people who read or watch or hear something never tell the creator whether they like it or not. That's why most threads on the writing part of this site get almost no replies whatsoever, yet about 10-30 views

[Derricklesters2009]

That's why i only pay attention to the views rather than the number of comments.

Anyway...

Hot off the press: I took alot of what you said into consideration. I cliffed the end completely different, I mixed imagery with action and conversation based on your comments, AsiaBunny. Thanks for helping a newbie writer!

I hope this chapter is impressive.

EYES OF SOLITUDE

----Chapter 5----

“Back on Earth?” Derrick raised a brow. “You mean that we’re not on Earth right now?” He asked slowly to make sure she understood every word.

“No. We’re on Solitude.” She paused, realizing the gravity of the situation. “Derrick. You don’t even remember what planet you’re on?”

Derrick walked slowly back to the massive aperture in the ground ignoring Carrie’s speech. She was trying to get his attention by saying his name but he paid no attention to her as he seemed to float across the Klarkit covered soil on his heels and toes. He stopped right on the edge of the crevice that appeared to go on forever downward. He stared into the black void thinking about how long he would have to fall to put an end to this nightmare. When he slammed into the ground, or whatever was down there, would he wake up as a human? on Earth? next to his life long human lover back in 2027? Would his troubles be over?

“Derrick…” Carrie said in a concerned tone, “What are you doing?” She took slow cautious steps toward him.

Derrick turned to Carrie with tears soaking his fur around his eyes, “I want to go back.” He whispered while turning his head back to the opening and shifting his center of gravity to his chest. Much like a domino, he tipped into the chasm. He heard a faint scream from a female’s vocal chords but he cared not to listen. He closed his eyes as he felt gravity grab his body and pull him downward into the hole.

He was jerked from his serene cascade into death as Carrie’s paw caught his arm. He hung freely in the blackness and suddenly he realized what he was doing. Derrick looked down into the death pit. He threw his hand up and grabbed a vine growing across the edge and pulled himself out of the immense void.

Carrie swung her powerful hand and slapped him hard across the face. She cried to him, “What are you doing, Derrick! Why would you do something like that? Why?” She paused, searching his face for signs of sanity.
“I don’t know what I was thinking.” He said, “I just felt sick to my stomach and dizzy.”

Derrick stood and the llama sighed heavily. He grabbed Carrie and pulled her close to him squeezing her with warmth. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He admitted to her.

“Why are you squeezing me?” She asked.

“Oh, my god.” He pushed her away still holding her shoulders. “You seriously don’t hug anymore?”

“Hug?” She frowned, “I’ve never heard of it…” She paused for a moment, “is it… an Earth thing?” She asked clenching as if experiencing pain as she didn’t want to play into his madness but she was starting to think that it was the only thing that would save him from himself.

“It was. It’s a way to express affection.” Derrick explained. He hugged her tightly again. “I lo-” He stopped himself knowing that ‘love’ isn’t normally expressed between husband and wife. He wanted her to know that he loved her. That she was his everything even though they were no longer human.

“You should tell me more about Earth. It might be-” She abruptly paused as a loud cracking sound was made by something on the other side of the trench.
It was the Retek again whipping at the pink arm of the Cubush that had the flowered vine attached to it.

“NO!” Carrie screamed leaping over the hole. She waved her arms wildly at the tall tree like creature and shouted fearfully to it. It snapped it’s whip like tentacles at her while wrapping one around the nose of the Cubush. Thousands of noses sprang from the Cubush and grabbed the vine on the Retek. The Cubush bellowed with such power that it shook the ground Derrick stood on across the huge gap.

The pink flowered vine seemed to be giving out as the Retek and Cubush fought.

“Derrick!” Carrie called over the roaring of the two colossal monsters, “jump over here!” She was waving to him with urgency.

He took a deep breath and a few steps back. He shook out his nerves then leapt off his back foot. He strode to the large cavern and sprang into the air. He watched as the nose of the Cubush snapped off releasing the vine with the flower. It retracted into the ground immediately. Derrick shifted his eyes down and saw the massive mountain speeding toward him as he went over the hole. The entire world slowed as he looked to Carrie.

She bounded to the flower and gripped it. She pulled with all of her strength to stop the rock mass from rocketing Derrick into the sky. Her feet failed to grip the grey-blue dirt and she was yanked from her balance and she released the vine as she slammed into the ground.

He put his hooves out to catch the mountain racing at him. A pillar of rock crashed into his left leg propelling him into the air. The poor llama spun recklessly out of control toward Carrie. She held up her arms to catch him as he fell.

Underestimating his massive inertia, he collided into her and swept her completely from the ground. They both bounced across the soil catching many Klarkits off guard and crushing them.

Derrick immediately looked his lover over to check for injuries. His stomach seemed to turn entirely inside out at he observed her elbow bent at the unnatural angle where it lie.

She would be thankful later that she was unconscious right now as noticed her compound fractured ribs protruding from her lower left abdomen. Derrick picked her up and sprinted toward the village.

Worry coursed through his body as he ran over the hill.

“Carrie!” he shouted to her, “please don’t be dead!” He stopped to see another Retek in front of him. It Didn’t look happy.

“Please, I need to get to the village! She’s hurt.” He pleaded to the large and frightening monster.

It’s vines began swinging violently and chaotically as it started toward him letting out a battle cry. Derrick scooped up Carrie’s unconscious body and took off back where he came. Derrick watched over his shoulder, seeing an army of Retek following him and all swinging their tentacles crazily. As he crossed over the knoll he saw that the Cubush had dismantled the Retek as only a pool of deep red blood and the components of the Retek remain. The Cubush began uprooting itself using it’s thousands of pink arm like noses to push off the ground. Other Cubushes had already done so and were crawling rather quickly toward him.

Two massive armies of alien beasts were engaging in a war while he and his unconscious wife were caught directly in the middle. Derrick searched wildly for a way out and a possible survival route, but he was alone in the middle of a wide open plain of Klarkits.

He froze when he spotted a small pink flower similar to the one that brought the mountain into the ground before. He set Carrie onto the ground carefully and grasped the tiny plant. He yanked the foliage and wasn’t surprised to find that it was attached to a long red vine. Derrick pulled again, harder this time, and the ground began shaking like before. He swiveled his head, seeking for the mountain that was dropping and found nothing. Abruptly the shaking stopped, and there was a brief moment of silence. The ground next to Derrick split open and revealed a river of green jelly. He took it as an escape route grabbing Carrie, who was coming to, and leaping into the fast moving semi-liquid. It rushed them away for a few feet. Derrick let the flower go and it zipped back into place then they both suddenly dropped into the ground with the crust above them closing again.

The jelly glowed brightly though visuals were limited still. He tried to track their movement as he and Carrie whizzed through the underlying tunnels of Solitude on the green glowing jelly material. Derrick momentarily feared being infected by a strange radioactive condition as he briefly thought that he was being carried off by some form of nuclear waste. That thought was knocked from his brain as they fell down a jelly fall for approximately six feet knocking the wind from Derrick’s chest. He gasped for a breath as he continued down the stream.

The river defied gravity as it shot immediately upward, soaring them toward a bright light. The jelly accelerated as it rocketed them into the sky and out of the rocky underground tunnel. They both landed on a large soft mass. It was covered in hair and extremely fat.

Carrie moaned as she was partially conscious and began feeling her injuries. Derrick grabbed her and tried to run across the gargantuan living being that they rested on but his feet sank into the fat that grabed hold of his feet and tripped him. It growled in anger as it began to move.

The skin he stood upon vibrated then suddenly, like a violent wave, a mound of fat began rolling toward Derrick and Carrie. The moving flesh collided with them and threw them like rag dolls off to the side. He landed square on his back and it felt like he landed on spikes that shot up through his lungs. Carrie landed flat on her belly and bounced slightly before coming to a complete rest as unconscious as before.

Derrick studied the massive monster that they had been on. It looked like a gigantic balloon covered in brown grizzled hair. A huge mouth remained open in the middle and it was drinking the jelly that squirted out of the ground. It’s a good thing that I didn’t land in that mouth, Derrick thought.

Derrick pulled Carrie away from the balloon beast and propped her up against a mossy rock. He was pinched just under the ribs suddenly. He grabbed himself and doubled over moaning in discomfort. He studied his hand. It was covered in red.

“Shit,” He exclaimed aloud. “this is bad.”

He was overcome with fatigue as he must have lost a lot of blood. He sat down trying to regain his balance and eye sight back. His eyes failed to focus on anything and he collapsed, passing out on top of Carrie. He tried to fight the unconsciousness, but it was too much for him. He rested his head on his arm for comfort as he went out. That was when he discovered the tiny silver dart sticking out of his arm just before the blackness sucked him from reality.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

you know what? well done. That was really very good. When the mountain came down, I got totally lost and couldnt understand what was physically going on. I couldn't visualise it as I didnt have enough visual information.

He watched as the nose of the Cubush snapped off releasing the vine with the flower. It retracted into the ground immediately. Derrick shifted his eyes down and saw the massive mountain speeding toward him as he went over the hole.

There's too many leaps so I can't see how one connects to another.

But generally it works really well, though I think the emotions could be conveyed better. They're done well, but right now it's just sympathy. I understand why they're feeling like that, but I'm not FEELING them feel like that. It has to move from sympathy to empathy, maybe you could use metaphor and imagery and stronger dialogue to work that in.

Either way, seriously, that was good.
Though it makes me wonder why one would propose in such a hideously dangerous place.

[Derricklesters2009]

Work has been beating me to a pulp.

Here is chapter 6 anyway:

The purpose of this chapter is to set the actual plot line in motion and activate the "ticking clock" .

Enjoy!

Eyes Of Solitude

Chapter 6

Derrick took a deep breath as consciousness began running like water washing over his brain. He tightly squeezed his eyes shut as it felt like his mind was knocking on the inside of his skull while his scalp pulsated and throbbed. He waited a minute before his headache began to subside and he opened his eyes.
Without warning, he shocked awake, jumping to his feet immediately. He searched frantically for his wife hoping she was near. His head swiveled around again and again but he found no one but himself in the middle of the dark.

Night seems to have fallen and he was standing in the middle of a Cubush forest. He looked up to the moon like light in the sky. It’s tiny figure and bright pink color made the lighting of his surroundings seem distorted and strange. The shadows seemed to actually move around him which spooked him again and again.
He wanted to shout for Carrie, but he feared what may be lurking in the maze of Cubushes.

“HEY!” a high pitched voice shouted from behind him. He turned so quickly that he knocked his own feet out from under him. Derrick grabbed for the air to hold him up with no avail and he crashed into the dirt floor. He shook his head briefly and looked up to a female figure standing over him.

“I gotcha, didn’t I?” it asked.

“I guess. Who are you?” Derrick returned to his feet and squinted trying to see if he recognized the woman.

“I’m the Chief. You can call me Pearl.” She stated with confidence. He voice sounded haughty and ignorant as if she was a new leader and really proud of it.

“Of what?” Derrick questioned in a snide tone. I’m a leader, he thought, this girl is obviously full of herself and thinks she’s bigger than she really is.

“Of this tribe.” She stated aloud as she reached down and grabbed something on the ground.  It was too dark to identify, but before his eyes focused, she threw the object into the sky.

It appeared to be a small sphere like a baseball and it seemed to soar through the air forever as if defying gravity. He leaned back to watch the object travel.

It suddenly exploded into majestic purple like a fourth of July artillery shell. The lights came crashing down behind them and it lit hundreds of lamps that were long and seemed like water troughs filled with gasoline that burned a staggeringly bright blue. Derrick had to shield his eyes because of how bright it was.
An entire village the size of Times Square was revealed to him. It didn’t tower over the Cubushes, but it seemed to go on for six hundred meters to the other Cubush wall. The huts were dilapidated and the leader’s cabin was not much larger than the huts.

“What is this place?” Derrick asked Pearl.

“This is my village. We hid in the Cubush forest to escape the government’s laws and regulations.”

“Which laws?” Derrick thought he knew but he thought he would ask anyway.

“The polygamy laws.” Pearl stated.

“Did you shoot me?” He crossed his arms in disapproval because he knew that she shot him.

“I don’t know why they put you out. I only asked the hunters to bring you to me.”

“What do you need me for?”

“Well, we heard about your beliefs.”

“So are you trying to silence me?” Derrick scolded on the verge of shouting.

“No!” She held her white paws to him. “When we decided that monogamy was what we believed was right, we made our own village where monogamists can live free from persecution. Where we won’t be arrested and tried for wanting to make love to our husbands or wives.”

“You mean to tell me that it is actually against the law to be with your wife?” Derrick’s spirit dropped from his body leaving a draining feeling in his brain like water rushing out of an open and overturned bottle.

“What planet are you from? It’s been like that for a thousand years.” She raised a brow.

“I don’t remember anything. I was in The ash forest for a long time and I seemed to have forgotten everything.” Derrick explained.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I am glad that you’re here because you will really help our efforts in leading a revolution to legalize domestic and same sex marriage.”

“Seriously, a few thousand years have gone by and gays are still trying to legalize gay marriage?”

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing. Do you want to tell me why you had to kidnap me?”

“We can’t disclose the location of our village until we know that you’re on board.” She began walking to the chief’s cabin making a slight flip of her wrist to signal him to follow.

“Why me?” He asked walking next to her trying not to break eye contact.

“You’re in a position of power. All of the villagers here came from a low class. The were all peasants, herders, and things like that. But you!” She paused holding her paws up to him as if presenting pure energy in her palms to him. “You’re a village leader! You are of greater value and you’re not expendable like they seem to think we are.”

“So, you want me to lead your revolution into monogamy?”

“Pretty much.” She stated. “Can you help us?… better yet, are you willing to help us?”

“Sure, but where is my wife?” Derrick questioned, “I passed out and she was there, but now she is not.”

“We didn’t want her here. I asked for you. She is probably still there, or maybe she went back to the village.” Pearl grabbed a small book and gave it to Derrick. He took it, and read the cover.

“The Governmental Regulations Of Solitude.” He read aloud. “What is this?”

“Knowing every page of that law book will help you to lead us into freedom.” She instructed.

“If I help you, I can take my wife with me, right?” Derrick confirmed.

Pearl hesitated, “Carrie isn’t receptive to the idea of monogamy. She would make a negative impact, I think.”

“I can change her mind.”

“You can’t. She has known these laws all of her life and she won’t break. If you lead this revolution, we believe that she will leave you.”

“Then, I won’t help you.” Derrick made his way to the door. “I’m leaving.”

“Derrick.” She stopped him, “We need your help. You know that monogamy is right. You can feel it in your heart and I know because I can see it in your face.” Pearl’s eyes became saturated with moisture. “I love my husband, but I can’t take living without sunlight, without the wide open plains, and without fresh air. Please, Derrick. We need you!” She pleaded.

“I can change her.” Derrick assured her.

“Okay.” Pearl thought a moment. She took a deep breath, “You’ll have two weeks. After that, we can’t risk you knowing about this village. We just can’t.”

“What do you mean?” Derrick feared the worst in that statement.

“The hunters will have to eliminate you as a threat.” She grimly answered.

Derrick looked over the two enormous guards that stood in the shadows. The hog on the right chuckled slightly as if to say, “She’s not really saying it, but you know what she means.”  He did. He knew that these two could rip him to shreds with their bare hands if they wanted to. He wouldn’t have a fighting chance. The cougar on the right dropped his harms from their crossed position.

“It’s nothing personal Mr. Lesters,” he said. “It’s just business and security.”

My last name has changed, Derrick thought, I’m Derrick Lesters now. He misses the simplicity in his human name, “Smith”. Though he didn’t really mind, but it did spark curiosity in what his wife’s new maiden name was. Was it still “Angell” ?

The white rabbit walked to the door and opened it waving Derrick through. “You have two weeks, Derrick. Remember, if you’re not with us… you’re against us.”
Suddenly, blackness slammed him in the back of the head and he was unconscious once again.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

ok, this isnt bad at all. You've got the right balance of visual interest and plot development right, and that's half the battle.

The problems comes from your technical skill. You struggle to convey things with any sort of clean drive. You're telling instead of showing, some phrases don't work as sentences, and you miss out key details that you end up revealing far too late. For instance, I didnt know Pearl was a rabbit until the very end. I didnt know that he could see two hunters in the shadows until near the end.

Print out a copy, read it out loud to yourself, fix what you find.

That will sort a lot of the problems.

[Derricklesters2009]

You are too awesome for words.

I really appreciate the feedback you give me.

I have an audience that appears to be growing.

I found fan art on FA and a fan fiction.

If it weren't for you, I don't think my audience would have grown very much. For that, I thank you so so much!

Thanks much again,
Derrick Lesters