There's some good ideas in this. Personally I find the radio chatter to be blatant about the twist in the tale, but hey that's just me. It's a purely subjective idea and other people will certainly have opposing opinions.
as for the story itself, it works well, but is just a bit too dry. there's no sense of getting the reader to FEEEL what's happening.
here's the notes I made.
As Charles tried to sleep, the moaning drew louder. That could only mean one thing, he was found.
This needs more suspense, more build up. The audience should be asking "ohhh will he be found? won't he? what's gonna happen? Will he run away, or risk it just in case he hasn't been found?"
The thing silenced it's moaning and glanced around the area. With it's nightvision it quickly spotted the survivor, and let out a blood curdling scrrech, shattering the windows of several cars. The thing leapt up from the heap that was the tent and bounded at Charles, were it not for the uneven pavement under it's claws, it would've had him already.
Calling it the thing is all well and good, but this would be tremendously improved with a bit of description. Not enough for people to know what it is just yet, but something obscure and almost metaphorical and poetic that gives people that horror and fear at what could possibly be attacking him.
squarely upside the head
Sounds a bit silly for such a serious fight.
They were faster then he thought.
Surely he's seen them before. He knows what they are, he knows what they do. the city is deserted because of them. It seems weird that he would be surprised by such a thing.
With the thing now on top of him, Charles got a better look at the monstrosity.
I don't think the first thing he would think about would be to get a look at the thing. Mix its attacks with the description. "It tried to bite with a widened mouth bristling with teeth from its mutated human face." something like that. something that keeps up the pace and the danger and horror.
also,
The eyes were completely replaced with reptilian eyes, glowing yellow in the darkness
he should have noticed that before. You don't really need to say it has night-vision if you just put the glowing eyes bit there instead.
He winced as he heard the sickening crunch of the back of it's skull breaking
Put the skull breaking first, since the attack is rapid, then show the wincing reaction as he hits it twice more.
The legs were mutated back in the stature of a raptor, but were also designed for speed
show don't tell. How were they designed for speed. Dont say mutated, Make the words harsh and visceral.
gave way to wicked, curved claws
No need for wicked.
This particular one's claws were bloodied, probably from another victim.
no need for all this. Just say it was splashed with blood.
he heard a very static radio
written like that, it means the radio isn't moving. There's no such thing as very static. You could say loud static, harsh static, scraping static, piercing static. Show how it sounds, make people feel it.
OK Gose - Seven, Hunter Two-Three's vitals are gone, possible rouge hunter or Unenlightened, I repeat possible rouge hunter of Unenlightened
does hunter two-three have a radio? why? can it talk on this radio?
Thinking quick
show don't tell. How does one act when thinking quick? describe things in a fast paced way.
"rouge hunter"
you mean rogue, right?
Charles took his bike and hid it under a BMW, and climbed through the smashed windshield of the car.
only one "and" allowed per sentence, and should be the join for the last clause. which basically means take away the first and. It doesn't fit.
But all in all, good work. It is an intruiging story.
