-The 3rd Colony- A struggle for Truth- Kitt's growing novel ^^

[KittKat chunky~]

Okay, exams are over, and so i can focus on the things i like to do best without worrying about revision.... one of those things is writing....
I originally started this story a while back, and thanks to the help and comments from several people, most notably Asia and Bronze... Anyway, the story has improved vastly (or at least i hope so) ... and so here it is in its new incarnation...

Now remember this is in no way complete, and indeed i keep going back and changing/improving my writing... Now i've got a better storyline set out, ive got better ideas and hopefully i know what to do with them, and as always any help/feedback on my writing will be really, really appreciated  


As last time i'm going to be posting in rather short sections, because reading great chunks of writing is not very fun   This first section remains rather unchanged in the general storyline, but i'd like to say is much better than it was...






---------------------------------------

-Colony 2-

-Mining City, Rúsayev-

‘The Regime Needs YOU’

Repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreams, and the dull hum of lighting strips warming up filled the cramped steel bedroom. A dark haired and unshaven man groped for the alarm and, when he failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back under the covers of his bed.

“Good morning Citizen Jareth, what a wonderful day it is...” The monotonous service-drone whirred into life, as Jareth tried in vain to pull the covers further over his head. The machine was an old design, large and roughly box shaped, with a single red photoceptor ‘eye’. It flickered on, as the fluorescent strips finally burst into life with a loud -plink-. The bright light reflected off the metallic body of the machine, its chrome finish long since dulled and scratched. “The temperature outside is a balmy 68⁰C, and there is a general warning for another dust storm this afternoon. Though only the few, above-ground levels are likely to be affected...”

Jareth squinted, trying to block out the worst of the glaring light. Grunting, he rolled over onto his side, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He ran his fingers through his unwashed and tangled hair, as he looked groggily around his small, steel-walled room. He muttered to himself, his voice low and hoarse with the sound of someone only just woken up.  “Shut up... ugh, where am I?”

The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before deciding to respond...
“You are on the second colony of the Algeron system, set up as a mining planet over two-hundred years ago by the people of the settlement. You are currently in level -5,500 of the lower sector of the colonial City ‘Rúsayev’. The second colony is located in the alpha quadrant of the...”

Jareth clasped his head in his hands, as he tried in vain to block out the  talkative drone “No, no, no. Obviously I know where I am, you stupid machine... I was just talking to myself.” But the automaton continued its rambling explanation regardless. Jareth groaned again, looking between it, and the high-pitched alarm clock.

“Drone, please.... shut up... Oh for the Regime’s sake, shut... up!” Jareth grabbed his still beeping clock and hurled it at the machine, missed spectacularly and smashed the clock against the opposite steel wall. A silence dropped over the room as Jareth sighed in frustration. The Drone whirred smoothly, and its photoceptor flickered twice before replying in the same flat tone...

“Would you like me to order you a new alarm clock, citizen Jareth?”




------------------





So yeah, feedback would be very helpfull... Also im gonna attatch the front cover type thing i made in word (yeah.. that took waaay to long to make   )
Also, the name of the City is still work in progress... and im unsure whether to keep it as it is or change it...




[attachment deleted by admin]

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Ah the rewrite. It's good, it's cleaner, better. It holds together faar more effectively than it used to. There are still minor issues, but as far as I can see, you've generally got things going quite well.

large and roughly box shaped

You could just say boxy. Some people think that the less words you have, the better. I agree with them.

rubbing his eyes tiredly

I'm not sure tiredly is a word, and even if it is, adverbs are dangerous. They're easy to use and betray laziness or inexperience. If you can say it any other way, then do so because it would probably flow better. For example

rubbing his tired eyes

he looked groggily around his small, steel-walled room

In this instance, maybe an adverb is okay, but i don't think it works in this sentence and I think you're missing a trick when you simply deploy the word "groggily." It allows you to leave it as groggily and not dig into it and get people to feel his lethargy. You could do something like

groggily, he swung his gaze across his small room of steel walls.

the sound of someone only just woken up

You're telling instead of showing. We know he's just woken up but you're not getting the reader to feel it. Describe what someone who's just woken up sounds like.

“Shut up... ugh, where am I?”

The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before deciding to respond...
“You are on the second colony of the Algeron system, set up as a mining planet over two-hundred years ago by the people of the settlement. You are currently in level -5,500 of the lower sector of the colonial City ‘Rúsayev’. The second colony is located in the alpha quadrant of the...”

That still feels rather jarring to me. The phrase "where am I?" has no descriptors to suggest to the audience that he's not literally asking where he is. It seems like a tool you're using in order to pump out the information about the world he lives in. An excuse for exposition.

Jareth groaned again, looking between it, and the high-pitched alarm clock.

So the alarm clock's still going, right? That means there's a lot of noise. Show that, make us feel its sounds stabbing into our ears, and let us feel the monotony of the drone like an endless headache. That way the clock throwing comes less out of nowhere.



But yeah, those are what I would fix, and remember there's always something to fix. It's good though. But i need to see more for a true opinion.

[KittKat chunky~]

Thanks Asia, i knew i could count on you to help  

I'l get right on  and clean up what you've pointed out, it really helps to have someone else other than myself read it...

Also your examples of how i can improve certain parts help a lot  

Post Merge: June 24, 2010, 09:39:42 PMOkay, i tried to improve on the points you mentioned, as well as just generally smoothed things out/added to it....


-------



Repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreams, and the dull hum of lighting strips warming up filled the cramped steel bedroom. A dark haired and unshaven man groped for the alarm and, when he failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back under the covers of his bed.

“Good morning Citizen Jareth, what a wonderful day it is...” The monotonous service-drone whirred into life, as Jareth tried in vain to pull the covers further over his head. The machine was an old design, large and boxy, with a single red photoceptor ‘eye’. It flickered on, as the fluorescent strips finally burst into life with a loud -plink-. The bright light reflected off the metallic body of the machine, its chrome finish long since dulled and scratched. “The temperature outside is a balmy 68⁰C, and there is a general warning for another dust storm this afternoon. Though only the few, above-ground levels are likely to be affected...”

Jareth squinted, trying to block out the worst of the glaring light. Grunting, he rolled over onto his side, rubbing his tired eyes. He ran his fingers through his unwashed hair, as he looked groggily around the small, steel-walled room. He muttered to himself, his voice low and hoarse as he struggled to bring his thoughts up to speed.   “Just, shut up...” pulling off the thick blanket that still covered him, Jareth clenched his eyes shut and moaned under his breath “ugh, where the frack am I?” Opening them again, he sighed heavily “Well Drone, which work shift am I managing today?”

The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before responding... “Today you are running the repair and maintenance shift, in engineer bay #32, citizen... ”
Jareth nodded, heaving himself into a sitting position to climb out of bed. However, the drone had not finished “As to where you are Citizen? This is the second colony of the Algeron system, set up as a mining planet over two-hundred years ago by the people of the settlement.” Jareth held up a hand in an attempt to forestall the machine “That wasn’t really a question...”  The machine, however, continued regardless “Currently you are in level -5,500 of the lower sector, in the colonial City ‘Vulga’. The City was first built with intentions...”

Jareth clasped his head in his hands, as he tried in vain to block out the talkative drone “No, no, no. Obviously I know where I am, cut out the history lesson would you? I was just talking to myself.” Unfortunately for Jareth, the automaton continued to ramble. He groaned again, louder this time, looking between the machine, and his high-pitched alarm clock. It was too early, and already his pounding head was bombarded with noise. The alarm’s persistent beep was interlaced with the in-depth and monotonous history of Colonial cities.

Both noises together merged into a single, incomprehensible blur of sound, which thrust itself deep into Jareth’s skull. “Drone, please.... shut up... Oh for the Regime’s sake, shut... up!” Jareth grabbed his still beeping clock and hurled it at the machine, missed spectacularly and smashed it against the opposite steel wall. A silence dropped over the room as Jareth sighed in frustration. The Drone responded by whirring smoothly, and its photoceptor flickered twice, before replying in the same flat tone:

“I am glad to have been of assistance. Would you like me to order you a new alarm clock, Citizen?”


-----

Particularly about:

That still feels rather jarring to me. The phrase "where am I?" has no descriptors to suggest to the audience that he's not literally asking where he is. It seems like a tool you're using in order to pump out the information about the world he lives in. An excuse for exposition

I have tried to extend it, so that it is more descriptive, and adds to the feeling of escalating of annoyance...

Hope its an improvement, and thank you very much for taking the time to read and respond  

Oh also... I settled on a name for the city... 'Vulga' is actually the name of a famous river in Russia, kinda fitting for a city run by a communist regime  

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Uhm, better and I can see what you're doing here, but I think it's a bit rough. But then that's to be expected from a patch-job.

So, issues

“ugh, where the frack am I?” Opening them again, he sighed heavily “Well Drone, which work shift am I managing today?”

The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before responding... “Today you are running the repair and maintenance shift, in engineer bay #32, citizen... ”
Jareth nodded, heaving himself into a sitting position to climb out of bed. However, the drone had not finished “As to where you are Citizen? This is the second colony of the Algeron system, set up as a mining planet over two-hundred years ago by the people of the settlement.” Jareth held up a hand in an attempt to forestall the machine “That wasn’t really a question...”  The machine, however, continued regardless “Currently you are in level -5,500 of the lower sector, in the colonial City ‘Vulga’. The City was first built with intentions...”

I think I'm never going to be happy with this bit. I just don't think that explaining all this stuff straight away in such a direct manner is really necessary. It's so jarring and just doesn't sound natural at all. It's not emergent dialogue from what i can see. I think you'll need to show this to other people to see what they think, and then decide what to do with it afterwards.

The alarm’s persistent beep was interlaced with the in-depth and monotonous history of Colonial cities.

Both noises together merged into a single, incomprehensible blur of sound, which thrust itself

You don't need these bits. The "bombarded with noise" is really good and immediately gets the message across. The rest is unnecessary fluff, though the "deep into Jareth's skull" can be left in, just as an intensifier.

I am glad to have been of assistance.

Personally I think the robot should recognise that he hasn't been of assistance. Either he doesn't say anything except "would you like a new alarm clock," or he says something like

The community apologises for any dissatisfaction you may have with its drones and/or alarm clocks. Would you like me to order you a new alarm clock, Citizen?

But yeah, it's a bit better. It just needs a good solid rewrite, rather than a patch job. You should probably do that later on after you've done a good few chapters.


Oh yeah, and I actually quite liked the first name for that city. Vulga just sounds like Vulgar, but I do understand the reasoning behind it. Personally I like these eastern european/Russian names and words. There's something about their aesthetics and their kind of sounds that come out of it.

[KittKat chunky~]

Yeah, i think i'm gonna leave it for now, and come back to see what can be done with it.... the information can probably be left out in that section, but as you said, for now i'l leave it and re-write it at a later date....

Personally I think the robot should recognise that he hasn't been of assistance.

  I loved your suggestion so much i've gone and put it in  :

“The Regime apologises for any dissatisfaction you may have, with its Drones and/or alarm clocks. Would you like me to order you a new digital timepiece, Citizen?”

Also i've thought it through, and personally agree with you that i like the more Russian sounding names... so I've decided to change the city name back to somthing similar, for now at least until i decide on somthing more permanent:
Ruszáyev


Post Merge: June 25, 2010, 10:06:52 AM
---edit:----


Okay, i decided i wanted to at least have a go at re-writing this section... i really feel i can do better than what it is... so here it is, the first full re-write of the section.
I'm expecting there to be be problems, as i've only been through it three times or so and still pick up problems or ways to improve each time... but still, anyone else's' opinion on it would be great  




Repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreams, and the dull hum of lighting strips warming up filled the cramped steel bedroom. A dark haired and unshaven man groped for the alarm and, when he failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back under the covers of his bed.

“Good morning Citizen Jareth, and what a wonderful day it is...” The monotonous service-drone whirred into life, as Jareth tried in vain to pull the covers further over his head. The machine was an old design, large and boxy, with a single red photoceptor ‘eye’. It flickered on, as the fluorescent strips finally burst into life with a loud -plink-. The bright light reflected off the metallic body of the machine, its chrome finish long since dulled and scratched. “The temperature outside is a balmy 68⁰C, and there is yet again a general warning for dust storms today. Only the few, above-ground levels are likely to be affected.”

Jareth squinted, trying to block out the worst of the glaring light. Grunting, he rolled over onto his side, rubbing his tired eyes. He ran his fingers through his unwashed hair, as he looked groggily around the small, steel-walled room. He muttered to himself, his voice low and hoarse as he struggled to bring his thoughts up to speed.   “Just, shut up...” Jareth sighed and lay with his eyes closed, the beginning of a stabbing headache already forming, as the clock continued to beep.

The service drone waited for precisely two full minutes, before humming into life again “Please remember Citizen, you are to be overseeing repairs today, in engineer bay #32. Lateness will not be acceptable...”

Jareth nodded; however, the drone had not finished “I also have a Regime-certified announcement, Citizen. It will only take a moment...” Jareth held up a hand in an attempt to forestall the machine “I’m not interested.”  The drone beeped twice, in what sounded like confusion “But Citizen, this is a City-wide message” Jareth clasped his head in his hands, as he tried in vain to block out the talkative drone “I said no... I’m already late as it is.” Unfortunately, the drone was a tediously persistent design “The Regime wishes only the best for its citizens, I implore that you hear the announcement.” Jareth groaned again, louder this time, looking between the machine and his high-pitched clock. It was too early, and already he was bombarded with noise that thrust itself deep into his skull.

 “I said no...” The drone continued insisting, regardless. Jareth clenched his fists, shouting now “Oh, for the Regime’s sake... shut... up!” He grabbed the beeping clock and hurled it at the machine, missed spectacularly, and it smashed against the opposite steel wall. A silence dropped over the room, as Jareth sighed in frustration.

The Drone whirred smoothly, before replying in the same flat tone: “The Regime apologises for any dissatisfactions you may have, with its Drones and/or alarm clocks. Would you like to order a new digital timepiece, Citizen?”

Sorry for having posted this single section repeatedly... but it is the opening scene and i feel one of the msot important parts... its where i need to hook the reader, and get them interested from the begining.....   

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

It's a lot better, still feels like a patch job where the new sections have a distinct change in flow to them.
When a person speaks they need a new line and when the other replies they need a new line and so on. New person = New line

The drone beeped twice, in what sounded like confusion “But Citizen, this is a City-wide message

I think, because the robot is a personification of the rigid and impenetrable machinations of the regime wearing velvet, I dont think there should be much of a personality here. No confusion, just blind execution of directives. You can't have a proper conversation with this thing. If it's going to say the message anyway, then why nag the citizen? why not just straight say it?

It was too early, and already he was bombarded with noise that thrust itself deep into his skull.

Too long, I think you can cut everything after the word "bombarded"

missed spectacularly

I dont think you need spectacularly. The fact that it smashes is spectacular enough.

But yeah, better but needs a full on rewrite later down the line. Good work though.

[Srgntcuddles]

Jareth got pwned by that robot, lol. Good story so far. A good read while eating cereal.

[KittKat chunky~]

Thanks Cuddles, glad you enjoyed reading it... 

And thank you Asia, i'm gonna leave it as it is (other than make a few of those changes you just mentioned).... I think i'l post up the next section, again its still work in progress and feedback/criticism is very helpfull...

Without furthado, the next part in my epic saga... of work in progress-y-ness 


----


Ten minutes later, and Jareth was in a large maintenance elevator, it rattled and hissed all the way down to level -6,000 of the lower sector. The lift was ten metres squared, and packed full with engineers, all wearing a basic uniform of dark orange overalls. A few also carried scratched helmets, of a strong matte-metal, with tinted welding goggles. Jareth was similarly clothed, with the exception of chevrons on his shoulders and chest, designating him a Chief engineer of Colony 2.

“Hey Jareth, you heard about the expansion?”A very dark haired, slender engineer sidled over to him, squeezing between the mass of bodies. She wore a smaller set of chevrons, not unlike like Jareth’s and flicked her long ponytail to one side over a shoulder. Looking him intently in the light blue eyes, she noted the three day old stubble across his chin, and the fact he took several moments to focus on her...

“You don’t look so good, been sleeping alright lately?” Jareth heaved a sigh. He mumbled half-heartedly, that he hadn't heard of it, and was overloaded with work as usual. The other engineer nodded sympathetically, as the doors of the elevator finally opened with a groan.

Stepping out into a cramped steel corridor, Jareth started to walk with the flow of Engineers. He stopped abruptly, facing a tall poster pasted across the fire-safety instructions. Every Citizen was taught to memorize colonial safety directions, in absolute completion, from a very young age. The poster however, was brand new. Staring curiously, he strode across the corridor and was almost knocked over by a bulky delivery drone. The machine was transporting several steel containers, and gave a disgruntled whirr before rumbling away. Dodging aside the irritated Automaton, Jareth stopped in front of the notice. Crowds of workers parted, and walked begrudgingly around him. Emblazoned in bold red letters, at the head of the poster; was an awfully familiar slogan:

“The regime needs YOU”.

Further down was another slogan, superimposed over an aerial photograph of the second colony. It was a windswept planet, obscured by clouds of reddish dust. Its northern hemisphere set in perpetual night, while the southern hemisphere was dotted with colossal, dark-steel structures. This second slogan was new to Jareth, and its meaning perplexed him:

“Volunteer for the Third Colony expansion, TODAY!”

Shaking his head Jareth sighed, and started to walk back along the crowded corridor, Third colony expansion? Just a hare-brained idea of the Regime’s to construct a new mining colony, most likely. Footsteps reverberating on the steel flooring, he weaved between workers, quickly catching up with his group of engineers. The rearmost two greeted him with a friendly “Good morning Chief” as they walked through a pair of steel bulkhead doors.


-----
Anyone who read this story before the re-write, will notice this is still pretty much the same as before... I liked how i did it before, i've jsut tried to streamline and boot it up to a higher standard... newer sections to the story that no-one has read before will be coming soon... very soon 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Well yup this is a lot like it used to be. It does work a bit better though. It flows more freely, it feels more natural and works better. There are still problems though, as there always will be, but as it is, it's not bad at all.

Jareth was similarly clothed, with the exception of chevrons on his shoulders and chest, designating him a Chief engineer of Colony 2.

You could just say,

Jareth had chevrons on his shoulders and chest. He was Colony 2's chief engineer.

“Hey Jareth, you heard about the expansion?”

No real need to say his name. From my experience, most people don't say the names of their friends when they're talking to them.

A very dark haired, slender engineer sidled over to him, squeezing between the mass of bodies

convoluted. Try

A slender woman squeezed through the mass of bodies towards Jareth, then flicked her Jet black ponytail over one shoulder.

She wore a smaller set of chevrons, not unlike like Jareth’s and flicked her long ponytail to one side over a shoulder.

You could try

she also wore chevrons, though hers were smaller.

Looking him intently in the light blue eyes, she noted the three day old stubble across his chin

You can't tell someone's got stubble, by looking at their eyes. YOu could do

Looking at him, she noticed his thick and unkempt stubble. His light blue eyes struggled to focus.

“You don’t look so good, been sleeping alright lately?” Jareth heaved a sigh. He mumbled half-heartedly, that he hadn't heard of it, and was overloaded with work as usual.

Keep people in the moment. There's no reason to use reported speech here.

The other engineer nodded sympathetically

You could just say

She gave him some sympathy nodding.

It also avoids an unnecessary adverb.

Dodging aside the irritated Automaton

This doesn't need "the irritated automaton

Crowds of workers parted, and walked begrudgingly around him

What do you mean, parted? surely the poster is on the wall, so they wouldn't be parted, merely manouvering.

This second slogan was new to Jareth, and its meaning perplexed him:

Show his reaction to a new slogan just before he reads it. Does he lean in? Does he furrow his brow?

Shaking his head Jareth sighed, and started to walk back along the crowded corridor, Third colony expansion? Just a hare-brained idea of the Regime’s to construct a new mining colony, most likely.

You haven't described his thoughts before, why start now? You can do that, but you need a good reason to. There's no reason not to show it through body language.

Footsteps reverberating on the steel flooring, he weaved between workers,

Maybe you should mention the reverberating before, when the lift doors open and everyone steps out with a hundred boots stepping on this metal.




But yeah, good work.

[KittKat chunky~]

Thanks Asia, it really helps to have someone else read through and say what in their opinion does or doesnt read well 

I'm goin' to the beach today so it's be a day or two before i post anything new or this section re-done....

And i'm glad you think its good work    I really enjoyed writing this....

[KittKat chunky~]

Okay... this is quite a long section.... but if i split it up i dont think it would make so much sense... so i apologise before-hand for the super-block 'o' text 


---Regime Information Drone, Query: ---

---Level -6000, Lower Sector, Colonial City ‘Ruszáyev’---

Level minus Six thousand houses several engineer bays, repair and assembly lines for the two hundred thousand service-drones in Ruszáyev alone. The city is a huge upside-down pyramid structure, stretching several miles across at the surface, and hundreds miles underground. It is maintained, built and repaired by teams of machines, each with a specific task hardwired into them.

Ruszáyev is continually expanding downwards and outwards, in search of more valuable ores and living space. The Drones are the only citizens able to consistently work on the surface of the planet, though even they suffer extensive damage due to constant dust storms. Ruszáyev is one of thirty-three Colonial Cities, spread across the southern hemisphere of Colony 2. The northern hemisphere of the planet is the location of all Tethium refinery units, and is strictly off-limits to civilian workers.

Colony 2 is a level five mining planet. Ruszáyev was the first city, constructed to dig deep into the planets crust and refine the most valuable element known to the Regime: Tethium, as well as many other inferior materials. Over time thirty two other cities have been created, and the entirety of the northern hemisphere has become heavily industrialised, as veins of ore become increasingly scarce.

---Link to information file: Tethium---

---Link to information file: The almighty Regime---

---End Query: ---




The bay which Jareth was to supervise did not repair mining machinery; but instead had the more important, and privileged job of repairing drones used by the military caste. These where the automated defence force of the Regime, and had to be constantly renovated to ensure the safety of the Colony. The engineering deck was unfeasibly vast, full of constant buzzing, shriek of twisted metal and cascades of sparks. Immense fluorescent light strips hummed overhead, set into the cavernous ceiling.

“Right, let’s get this assembly line moving! We all have a quota to reach today...” Jareth shouted instructions to nearby engineers, his voice easily heard, even over the whine of heavy machinery. Flipping through a bulky touch-pad, he quickly scanned down columns of numbers, quota totals and interdepartmental reports. Sighing he signed the paperwork, and looked up to watch the bay slowly roll into action:

Several hundred, slow moving, conveyor belts ran the vast length of the repair bay. Automatons in need of renovation where set down at one end, from behind a series of bulkhead doors. As they where sent along the belt, engineers clambered over them, quickly and efficiently repairing damaged components. There was large variation in the machines that passed through, but easily the most numerous where MarkII Tank drones, fondly dubbed ‘Tread-heads’ by the informal Engineers. Built around a single armoured hull, the beast stood twice the height of a human worker. Four broad treads carried the monster, across even the most rock-strewn terrain; while set atop the hull twin kinetic cannons leered threateningly. The machine was the symbolic image of the Regime’s combined, military and engineering might.

“Hey, Karzeth! Can you explain to me why that Tread-head hasn’t had its weaponry replaced?” Jareth Snapped irritably, pointing to a worn out and scratched automaton that lay abreast the conveyor belt.  Nodding hurriedly, the trainee-engineer in question clambered up the drone’s metallic body, and started to clumsily unbolt the scorched barrels from their mountings.

Jareth shook his head lightly, looking back down at his flickering data-pad. The young engineer who had met him in the elevator walked over, and saluted politely. “Jareth... Chief?” She was tapping a fusion torch against her thigh; absent-mindedly, as Jareth turned to her and nodded “Someone from the merchants’ caste expressed a desire to see you in the store room, immediately.” Jareth raised an eyebrow; looking left, and then right. With no Regime Patrols or overseers in sight, he smiled affectionately. “Thank you Technical-Engineer Tanaka; I shall see them at once.” She smiled back, and winked conspiratorially “I’m sure you will Chief. I’ll keep the repairs running while you’re... busy sir.”


yeah... the bit which gives some info on the city is possibly too long... i may need to cut down just how much is put in there... but it is definately staying ¬.¬





Post Merge: June 28, 2010, 05:31:13 PMOh also.. this is purely aesthetics.... but this is how the word.doc version looks.... ive added thingies that help set the scene... purely for fun    (added pic as attatchment)

[attachment deleted by admin]

[x]

I enjoyed this part! 

What I really appreciate is the way you take the time to describe setting...that is one of the things I personally am terrible at. I tend to skim over setting and leave readers confused as to where they're at, but you slow things down enough I can see what's going on and where it's going on.

Speaking of slow, another thing that I liked that was, while I was reading this, I was listening to some slow Gackt music, and that alongisde your great writing helped establish a deep atmosphere, or at least I get the feeling you were trying to create an atmosphere, and this was something I latched on to.

As far as crit goes, you have some commas where you don't need them.

Here:

but instead had the more important, and privileged job of repairing drones used by the military caste.

And Here:

The young engineer who had met him in the elevator walked over, and saluted politely.

For example. But there are extra commas elsewhere too that can be cut.

Also, I won't go into too much detail when I shouldn't, but to make your work that much better, just keep on working on your sentences. If something bugs you, fix it. If there's an extra adverb when you don't need it, nix it. If you can add an extra detail to establish mood, do it.

Hope to see more. 

[KittKat chunky~]

I'm glad you enjoyed it!    After all, thats what im trying to achieve here... an enjoyable read 

And yeah, i try to ensure the scene is set well, i find it helps the story run more smoothly for the reader.... And i know there are still sentences which arent structured quite right, or as you pointed out, commas in the wrong place... these are all things i'm constantly trying to weed out... but it seems no matter how many times i read over it... both  out-loud and not, i seem to always miss some mistakes like that 

Anyhow... That is the end of the first chapter!... And also the last section for a while which anyone will have read before... now comes all the juicy new stuff ive written 

[x]

Hey, I'm curious. For the WordDoc, do you design those pages yourself? I mean, draw the picture for it and everything? And, even if not, how do you do it?

[KittKat chunky~]

Unfortunately the pictures are not drawn by me... if i had the time i would do it.... but they are all from the internet, and then heavily edited....

The front cover bit is an image i found, which i then edited... but most of it is lots of vector-images made in word, layered up and with different combinations of textures... it takes ages, but id like to think it looks good in the end