Author Topic: Reaper Interns (Book I am cowriting with Omren)  (Read 1097 times)

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Offline Kitt_R_Beesley

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Reaper Interns (Book I am cowriting with Omren)
« on: July 30, 2010, 09:35:28 PM »
“You ask me if I have a god complex. Let me tell you something, I am god.”  Altaria

   Banging on the Lid, Kitt yells to interrupt his friends slumber “Chris!  Will you wake your [removed] up?  Gahh!”  Kitt turned his eyes back to the road. Two hours past midnight and he still sleeps as if it was his last. The full moon shone brightly on the road that night, Head lights were not needed. Kitt had been driving since the Rave ended due the arrival of riot police and tear gas, his eye still tingled from the burn. Chris was not as lucky as Kitt since he was closer to the stage. The cops gave him quite a beat down. To give him credit though, he did crush one of their rib cages as he went down. Kitt Launched himself over the escaping mob and landed on one of the cops, crumpling him instantly. Chris got up and started his retaliation on the fools who needed weapons to fell him. His Arms were like heavy chains as he whipped them across the police’s torsos, throwing them to the ground. Kitt arrived next to Chris after making his way from where he landed (which meant going through the crowd) and retreated to their car before the cops got a positive ID on them.
Popping in an Elvenking cd and turning it to never ending nights he cranked the volume and continued to drive. “I swear man you do more sleeping than the ***Auto-Censor*** dead.” Kitt calls into the back of the Hearse. A low grumble is all the response he gets, since it’s was muffled by the coffin lid. As time passes the CD finally reaches near it’s end playing “The Scythe”. As soon as the Lyrics start Kitt looks up to find a Jet Black horse in the middle of the road, “Holy [removed]!” Kitt cries as he slams on the break. No good He thought as he made little progress stopping in time. Finally he tore up the emergency break. The Car Lunged heavily and the coffin Chris was in started to slide. “Wuh th’ ell?!?!” could be heard from inside. Finally the coffin lid opened and threw Chris into the front seat (upside down).  The hearse started to rotate as the brakes finally did their job, a spray of gravel showered the front of the hearse as it came to a halt. Chris reoriented himself and then saw why Kitt stopped.
A cloaked figure Sat atop the fearsome steed. A cold air emanated from him sending a chill up their spines (even though the heater was on). A long, thin scythe was held loosely in his boney hands. And then they saw his eyes. They were orbs of a sanguine red, Darker than the deepest pit, and bore a frozen fury that caused them to cease there breathing then and there. Raising  his dreaded Claw he pointed to the two men in the hearse. “an appropriate vehicle for ones who are about to die.” His voice like a hellish choir each note delved into their souls and filled them with dread and a hopeless despair. Finally Chris spoke, “Kitt, I think we are going to die”. Kitt turned and glared at Chris as if he had just sealed off any possibility of escape. “Come out and we shall speak of your in twined fates.” The doors were torn from the car and the two were lifted into the air as if they had already died. As they landed in front of the God who was Keeper of souls, He took out a large scroll that looked as if it had survived millennia of use. It unrolled and then stopped.
Devin Daniel Beesley: Born 1989 – Death-
“We have met before on numerous occasions,” Death said. Kitt could only nod slowly. “You have been quite fortunate in life, or is it cursed not to have died yet?” Death then grinned this was very unnerving to hear Death jest.  Then the scroll came to life as it scrolled further down till it stopped once again. Death gave a sudden confused look. This was the most unnerving of all. “Odd,” he said “Apparently you have been dead for a number of centuries,” He showed us the scroll.

Christopher Taylor Wilkinson Birth- 1990 – Death –
                            Birth- 1657 – Death 1742
 “You have used your soul far more than we had deemed it, I am curious as to how you could have deeply interested in Chris’ soul. Then the scroll rolled like the animated blind that you see on TV, as it closed Death raised his scythe to do what he came for and as he swung his Instrument of death He suddenly stopped though it was already in Chris’ arm by then.  Looking back on his scroll he then looked at Chris with alarm. “You, do you have any Idea who you were in your past existence?” Chris could only shake his head slowly, with every movement his arm burned with pain.
“Interesting that Tonight of all nights I run into you-“ His hand flew out of his cloak and clutched Chris “Sam Ieal Emanuele!”
Then Death tore the soul from Chris and it floated in the air as it took form.  “Once again we see one another Mietitrice sinistra.”
Kitt looked at Chris’ body standing as if held by strings, then looked up at the two unholy pillars, Soul and Reaper alike. “You know what this day brings Emanuele? Three hundred and fifty years since then, or should I call you what legend has dolefully named you ‘Shroud of Death’?” Death said to the Soul of the Assassin. The soul could only laugh, matching his to the chill of Deaths.  “We have much to discuss Sam, however, there is a nuisance that I must take care of.” Death then turned from the disembodied soul and glared down at the frozen Kitt. “As for your fate I’m afraid I have no real need for you,” Death raised his scythe and with a swing he called “You shall finally see death as you should have so many years ago!!!” Death then cleaved the fabric of Gaia tearing an Infernal fissure beneath Kitt’s feet. Tens upon millions of hands reached out to tear the flesh from his bones, agonized screams escaping his lips as he hurtled into hell. Eventually the hands seemed to no longer be able to grasp Kitt’s body and he plummeted through the mouth of a massive cavern lit by torches the damned are forced to bear. Rising from where he fell, Kit looked for the first time at the horrors that hell had to offer. Bodies lined the cavern, a tortuous scourge lashed at there flesh and burned their souls. Hell spawns laughed gleefully as they poured oil on the already burning damned. “[removed]… I really am in hell.” Kitt said, naming the obvious.
Back up on the earth, Chris awakes after his soul was returned to his body. Looking back at death he noticed something was different. He could not feel the chill of his fearsome gaze. Noticing his look Death explained. “You, my new little reaper are no longer living. My eyes only affect the mortals who are yet to die.” At this Chris realized his soul never returned to his body, he was dead. Daring to finally speak he asked, ”You called me ‘little reaper’, does that mean I don’t go to hell? Or is this my punishment?” Death then started to trace a circle around him and Chris as he spoke. “Yes, and then again no,” as he finished the circle it lit up in an unearthly glow that one could only describe as millions of black flames surrounding the two.
Then at that moment it looked as if the ground was rising up above them, when it was really they who were going beneath the earth. As they rode the arcane elevator into the depths of hell, Chris ever curious as to the new situation, turned to death, “So what happened to Kitt?”
Death in his reply looked down at Chris, “He’s dodged me enough times that I didn’t want to chance him getting away once again and I was actually paid to reap him this time, well, black mailed more like. Some of the Kitsune elders were holding a soul I needed to reap and they wanted Kitt in return for it. As a matter of fact he did strike me as rather fox like did he to you?” Death looked upon the cavern as they entered it. Chris sucked in his breath as he saw the cavern he could see a steady stream of souls falling through the open crevice.
“Did Kitt come through that?” Chris was amazed at the distance that the souls would fall from to hit the floor of the cavern.
“Yes he did. Your first assignment is to go find him in that line and bring him to me. He has a special ‘pass’ that I need to guide him to so I can collect this soul.”
As Chris walked away from death to find him,

Kitt was becoming aware of two sets of eyes following him around that always seemed to vanish when he turned to find them. Finally getting annoyed with being followed Kitt turned and using all his speed and agility turned and raced up the cavern wall then split to the side weaving through the cavern’s many crevices trying to shake his pursuit.
“Hmmm, very interesting,” a somewhat amused voice floated from the side of Kitt’s passage, “he looks very promising, Wouldn’t you say?”
“Oh yes I would.” An equally amused voice floated in from his opposite side, “I can’t wait to strip him to his true form, that of a fox!”
Kitt suddenly stopped and turned , His curiosity was peaked. “Continue…”
“You see when most souls die they go to either heaven or hell this is the holding for those waiting judgment, this is limbo.”
“Yes however,” Kitt whipped his head to face the new voice issuing from behind him ”we foxes have other plans for you. You might know us better as ‘Kitsune’ Kitt, you’re going to join our race. Soon I might add although I don’t see why the tailed ones want to turn a lowly human like you into one of our kind.” Kitt stared at the three pairs of eyes surrounding him wondering where this encounter would lead. As a matter of fact-” all three foxes turned their eyes away from Kitt as a hand appeared over the ledge.
“Damn it Kitt, your hard to catch, harder now that you’re dead. What the…”
Looking around at the three foxes and assuming they were demons sent to torment Kitt Chris doubled up and kicked the largest of the three foxes out across the cavern the remaining two glared at Chris and fire erupted around his feet.
“You will pay for you insolence young reaper!” the foxes started stalking towards Chris. Chris replied with a defiant finger to them, “Well [removed] you and the [removed] who spawned your foul hide!” The fox nearest Chris pounced for him; the reaper lifted his hand to catch the beast by the throat and threw him into the ground stunning it. The fox then vanished, it’s illusion destroyed.
“This one is quite pertinent to try to injure us,” one fox said. “But his strength is unquestionable,” said another. “It was enough to easily destroy one of our illusions.” They began to swirl around the two like a cruel mist. Then the mist dissipated.
Kitt then noticed a great difference in Chris, he seemed darker than usual and his demeanor gave Kitt a faint reminder of Death. “ What the hell happened to you?”
« Last Edit: August 03, 2010, 10:11:12 PM by WingedZephyr, Reason: Foul language »

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: Reaper Interns (Book I am cowriting with Omren)
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2010, 11:41:14 AM »
There's some interesting ideas in here, but the execution is a bit clumsy.

Here are the notes i made.

Try to stay in one tense. Only past present or future, be consistent, aside from the flashback.

Quote
Two hours past midnight and he still sleeps as if it was his last
I don't get what that means

Quote
The full moon shone brightly on the road that night, Head lights were not needed
that must be one ridiculously bright moon.

Quote
As soon as the Lyrics start Kitt looks up
He's driving the car, why isn't he always looking up?

Quote
No good He thought as he made little progress stopping in time. Finally he tore up the emergency break.
Why? that doesn't help.

Quote
The hearse started to rotate
rotate is not a particularly exciting word.

Quote
a spray of gravel showered the front of the hearse as it came to a halt
is it only showering the front? if so, why? the hearse is 'rotating,' so the side should be hit as well.

Quote
this was very unnerving to hear Death jest
dont point out that it's unnerving, make it feel unnerving

Quote
Then the scroll came to life as it scrolled further down
there be too much scroll in that there sentence

Quote
Then the scroll rolled like the animated blind that you see on TV
really? you've got this imposing dark grim reaper with an Acme flappety scroll?

Quote
Death said to the Soul of the Assassin
Assassin? As the narrator, don't throw in titles as if we're supposed to know what they refer to.

Quote
Death then cleaved the fabric of Gaia
I know you're going all theatrical and overly verbose for this bit, but that's a bit far. It's the ground. For Kitt it's the ground, and for the reader, it's the ground. there's no reason to call it the fabric of Gaia

Quote
He’s dodged me enough times that I didn’t want to chance him getting away once again
That totally kills death's atmosphere if some random guy can escape his will. Even if he's some Kitsune dude, if Death sees him as a regular guy, and has had trouble trying to reap him, then that diminishes death.

Quote
“You see when most souls die they go to either heaven or hell this is the holding for those waiting judgment, this is limbo.”
There is horrific torture going on, how is this limbo?





So yeah, I like some of the ideas being thrown around here (though overtly verbose language isn't my thing.) It works to a certain extent but has its problems.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline DatFox Coleo

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Re: Reaper Interns (Book I am cowriting with Omren)
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2010, 09:06:45 PM »
It means if it was his last sleep, then he would not sleep so he could keep living. That means he wasn't sleeping.
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: Reaper Interns (Book I am cowriting with Omren)
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2010, 11:09:15 PM »
That is incredibly backward and obtuse. This is one of the many dangers of trying to say things in a fancy way for the sake of being fancy.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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