Segment 2-F

[Tao Fox]

The first page of my current W.I.P story.

Background: A small city in California, the year is 2006
Thomas- The main character who received a surgery to have fox genes implanted into his body. He's 14, and going into his Freshman year of HighSchool. He is still getting used to his altered body.

Thomas's Mother (No Name yet) - Older woman in her 60s. The father left her after Thomas received the surgery lacking his consent.

Segment 2-F
   There was a knock on the door, “mail call!” I heard the muffled voice of the mailman say on the other side of the front door.  “I'll get it!”, I yelled up to my mother. In one swift motion I jumped out of my chair in the kitchen and stumbled toward the door, still trying to get used to my legs. I slipped on the rug and fell flat on the rug. Ahhg! I rolled on the floor holding my muzzle. A tooth had been chipped on the hard floor, but my my nuzzle was overall intact. “What was that?”, I heard my mother yell from the kitchen. “Its alright, mom, I dropped something...”, I replied while rubbing my muzzle where the damaged tooth was. The mail slipped through the hatch in the door and fell on the ground, scattering the junk and bills alike. I knelt down and picked up the assorted letters, forming them into a neat pile. I rummaged through the mail, looking for anything addressed to me.
   As it went the mail was bills and junk all the way down the stack, but then a small black letter slipped from the pile and gently fell to the floor. One side showed face up with bold, red letters that read “URGENT”. I set aside the rest of the mail on the kitchen table and picked up the mysterious black letter.
   I unsheathed one of my most recently grown claws and tore at the seal on the letter. It unfolded to reveal a long, formal letter typed in blood-red ink. It read:
“Dear Resident F-309TH (Thomas A. Hetcher),
   You have been chosen by order of the U.S. Board of Education to attend Academic Grades 9-12
(High School) at a facility specially designated for your kind. This newly constructed facility named Segment 2-F is meant to separate the F-section students from general education students. As well as learn in this facility you are going to live in custom-fitted quarters on campus.
   Any complaints to this letter will be disregarded entirely. Enjoy your attendance to
Segment 2-F.

   If you refuse to attend you will be prosecuted and jailed/ fined.
   
Head of the U.S. Board of Education, Thomas Thatcher.”
   I looked at the letter, trying to grasp what exactly it was I just read. Was it a joke? Could this really be happening. Just then a noise made my ears perk up from the television. I walked over and turned up the volume. “...are being relocated to Segments 0-F through 496-F, authorities are prepared to use lethal force on anyone who refuses attendance.”, I heard the news anchor report in a grim, monotonous voice. I turned off the TV and calmly grabbed the letter. Light reflected off the blood-red ink, glaring into my eyes. It was hard to believe, most of my friends and acquaintances attended the High School I was originally set to attend. I wouldn't even be able to see them now that I'd be not just attending the school, but living in it...
   As soon as I grasped the situation I calmly walked out of the kitchen and walked up the stairs, still having trouble with my legs. Finally I reached my mother's room, leaning against the door to keep my balance. “Have you heard about this?”, I said calmly to her. “What ever do you mean?”, She replied as she looked away from the book she was reading. I walked over to the bed and gave her the letter. She squinted to see the small-printed letter. “Oh my..”, she said in a concerned voice. “I don't see how they can do this.. Its just wrong”, she went on. As she finished she stood up from her laying position and stood in front of me. I towered a good foot over her, but she was nevertheless intimidating. “You are not going to attend this school Thomas!”, she said in a firm voice. “You are going to go to Mewford  like all of your friends”, she went on in an increasingly firmer voice. “but..”, I tried to interject. “That is final!”, she yelled as she shooed me out of the room. 
   

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Right, since there's very little story to go on other than "humans oppress furries" I can only go on your technical skill... and it's clear that you're very new to writing and you have a lot to learn. Try reading it over and picking out the problems before you read this next bit because I'll be pointing out all the problems and it can sound quite cruel. Just understand that I do want to read your story, but from a technical standpoint, you have issues.






Okay, first off, dont put information before the actual text. The information should already be in the text, also:

Thomas- The main character who received a surgery to have fox genes implanted into his body. He's 14, and going into his Freshman year of HighSchool. He is still getting used to his altered body.

How? How does a 14 year old get that kind of surgery? for what purpose?

When a new person speaks, you put it on a new line.
There's a lot of extraneous words that can be cut out, like for instance:

I heard the muffled voice of the mailman say on the other side of the front door

Ofcourse you heard him, we heard him too. Ofcourse he's on the other side of the door, he's the mailman, ofcourse he's the mailman, he's giving you mail, ofcourse his voice is muffled, he's on the other side of the door, because he's the mailman.


That makes him sound so agile, and then he falls flat on his face.
Also, he chipped his tooth and acted like it was nothing. It would be something you'd tell your mum about.

mysterious black letter

Don't point out that it's mysterious, make it feel mysterious.

It unfolded to reveal a long, formal letter typed in blood-red ink.

Who is this organisation, goths? why are they sending out black letters with red ink writing. No government body or respectable organisation would do that.

Dear Resident F-309TH (Thomas A. Hetcher),

If they know his name, they wouldn't write "Resident F309th"

This newly constructed facility named Segment 2-F

Again, they would give this place a proper name.

Enjoy your attendance to
Segment 2-F.

Why are the government being cheeky and insulting? they're normally more embedded in legalese and a firm wording.

Head of the U.S. Board of Education, Thomas Thatcher

Thomas Hetcher, Thomas Thatcher. Protagonist and antagonist with very simillar names is not good.

Was it a joke? Could this really be happening.

Too many rhetoricals spoil the story.

I heard the news anchor report in a grim, monotonous voice

No need for "I heard," no need for "grim," we already know these things.

As soon as I grasped the situation I calmly walked out of the kitchen

Why is he calm?

I said calmly

Too many calmlys, we know he's calm, even if we don't know why.

“What ever do you mean?”

Who speaks like that?

she went on

What do you mean, she went on? went on doing what? talking? cus I'd like to know what the characters say, unless you're talking about the previous chunk of dialogue which means "she went on" is in the wrong place. It goes before dialogue.

but she was nevertheless intimidating

Why is she intimidating thomas? He's not done anything, she should be reassuring him, not shouting at him.

she yelled as she shooed me out of the room. 

Why?



Again, I would like to raed more since there's not much story to go on right now, but as it is, it's okay.