Oh man, that was a great RP
So I am instantly biased for that reason
Okay, I myself enjoy writing, and have made quite a hobby of writing a story that I still have under way... I may not be brilliant, but I consider myself good enough to give opinions/critique if need be.
First of all, structure. If you just separate your writing out a little, this will make it read so much better, and is such an easy thing to do!
For instance:
Zen had gone up on a roof and positioned himself with his rifle and attached his scope. He sighted a firewalker and shot it with a syringe. The syringe had been re-calibrated to withdraw instead of inject. He needed to collect blood samples of each specie of them. He was trying to formulate a vaccine that will combat the virus and ultimately destroy it. Soon after the dart was filled it loosely fell from the beasts hide. He set the rifle down and was climbing down the building when the firewalker turned it's head and started to run in a direction to the left of Zen. Zen noticed and quickly crawled up to get the rifle then like a Cirque Du Soleil performer, jumped off the building and landed on his feet with a soft thud. He slung the rifle behind his back and ran in the direction of the firewalker. He then saw what it was after. A survivor was stranded on the roof of a three story building. There was a horde of them scaling the walls of the small building and they had one target in mind. They were after blood and Zen had to intervene.
Becomes
Zen had gone up on a roof and positioned himself with his rifle and attached his scope. He sighted a firewalker and shot it with a syringe. The syringe had been re-calibrated to withdraw instead of inject. He needed to collect blood samples of each specie of them. He was trying to formulate a vaccine that will combat the virus and ultimately destroy it.
Soon after the dart was filled it loosely fell from the beasts hide. He set the rifle down and was climbing down the building when the firewalker turned it's head and started to run in a direction to the left of Zen. Zen noticed and quickly crawled up to get the rifle then like a Cirque Du Soleil performer, jumped off the building and landed on his feet with a soft thud. He slung the rifle behind his back and ran in the direction of the firewalker. He then saw what it was after. A survivor was stranded on the roof of a three story building. There was a horde of them scaling the walls of the small building and they had one target in mind.
They were after blood and Zen had to intervene.
Believe me when I say that people will find it much easier to read your story when it is set out like that, rather than one block of text
Other than that I thought it was real good Vamp
