dreams of the past

[serpington]

I thought it was about time I showed off what little skill I have. This is a character background I wrote for a book a friend is writing. I’m not sure if he’s going to use it or not but if you like it I’ll post the other scene I did for him. (And just to solve any confusion it’s a dream sequence.)
The walls were oozing with blood, two mangled piles of what used to be humans lay in a large pool of their own blood. A police officer stood in the doorway two meters away from the edge of the pool, and in the very centre of the pool was a small circle where the blood would not flow into. A child sat looking straight faced through a broken window on the opposite side of the room at the full moon.  “A…are you ok? Did you see who did this?”
“It was the scary man?”
“Did you see what he looked like?”
“Black leathery skin, a white face with a really big grin and yellow eyes…” Everything began to blur.

Everything reformed into a white bedroom lit by nothing but the full moon visible through the partly open gray blinds. The young faceless boy stood up against the closed wooden door, listening to the distorted voices on the other side. “so you really want to do this?”
“Yes, I know that he’ll end up in an orphanage but this is his eighth foster home since the incident and he’s still not opening up to anyone. It’s been two years.”
“He’s only young and still needs time.”
“He’s seven, and he’s starting to affect the other kids. I’m sorry honey but I’m calling the social worker in the morning after he leaves for school.” The walls started to blur and melt again,

This time reforming into another different room. This time the boy was in a dark wooden attic looking down on three people standing in the light of the street lamps outside, deciding his future for him. The two youngest were girls, twins, about his age. The eldest an old man, the three walked away, the little boy just walked away from the window, his face entirely blurred bar one eye sunken and emotionless as the walls began to melt away again.

The black ooze cleared and formed into a bright roof-top garden where the young boy, now in his teens, stood between the two girls from before, in front of ten other faceless students. The old man stood smiling proudly before his three best students.

As suddenly as the light had appeared it was gone again, reforming into a large candle lit dojo, the twelve other students sat on the ground behind the boy, his master face to face with him. Two dark figures rose up behind his master blood splattered across his face as the head rolled, coming to a rest at his knees. The blurred figures on either side of the body had done what they were sent to do; they then proceeded to destroy the boy’s master’s sword. A piece of cloth landed next to the head as a cold, distorted voice spat out words at him “enjoy it. It’s the only bit of kindness you’ll get from any of our kind ever again.” His blank emotionless face stared into the dead eyes of his master, his father…the teen put a hand on the piece of cloth as a single tear fell…..

Thunder sounded in the distance as rain pelted the side walk, lightning flashing showing a street sign saying ‘okeha city 30km’ as the teen walked along the side of the road with only a beanie, a scarf made of the cloth from his father’s sword and a large sports bag of clothes over his shoulder.

[Ares the Ram]

I like it. Id like to see the other scene you wrote too.

[Self-sain]

There where a couple grammatical errors, and it made the reading hard and a little hard to keep up with

A police officer stood in the doorway two meters away from the edge of the pool, and in the very centre of the pool was a small circle where the blood would not flow into.

This probably should of been broken into two sentences. Yes they both add detail to the surroundings, but they don't flow together, they aren't about the same thing.

..A child sat looking straight faced...

I'm not to sure as to what that means


Anyways, this seems rather "dark", and without background information, its hard to actually appreciate what is written here.

[serpington]

thanks for your criticisms, and sain as for the points you. i agree with your first comment about the two sentences, the line "..A child sat looking straight faced..." it basically means he was siting staring blankly. as for it sounding dark, it was supposed to, its the tragic past of a character for a friends book.

later I'll post up the other scene which is about the two girls from this one, and see if you can guess what the full book is based around.

[Self-sain]

I figured you meant that, idk just something about the wording through me a little off

[serpington]

as promised heres the other scene i did for that book.

Wind swept through the waist length grass, the silence masking the intentions of the two shinigami standing swords drawn. The twins, a mirror image down to their stance stood staring each other down, waiting for the first move. “You first sister.”

“You lost the right to call me sister, scum. You lost that right when you killed our parents!”

“I did what needed to be done.”

“Then nothing more needs to be said, other than…” the death god lowered her blade slightly, her uniform blowing in the cold wind. “Light the sky, hallowed rain!” she raised her sword as it formed into a large shaped blade. She swung the large cleaver like blade horizontally sending a wave of electricity scorching the tops of the grass.

Her sister disappeared a second later, milliseconds before the wave hit her. “Pass thy judgement, tri will executioner.” Came the second shinigami’s voice from behind the first. “Young Nana, you think that pitiful attack can hit me?”

“I swore I would kill you Yumi, and I will!” Nana swung around sending another wave from the tip of her blade, only to see her sister standing there, a ten foot staff with burned in designs in her hands. In a millisecond Yumi front flipped over the wave of lightning landing almost exactly where she had leapt from ten metres away from Nana.

Shock hit Nana as Yumi landed the staff now a double sided blade with a wooden handle in the centre and no guards. A sharp pain struck Nana’s left shoulder and just above her right hip, the two sheathes fell to the ground in front of her, blood dripping from her mouth as she fell to her knees. Yumi slowly walked closer “Your weak, you couldn’t hit me with that pathetic discharge if I let you.”

Pain shot through Yumi as electricity shot up through her foot and up into her body “I might be weaker than you…” Nana panted breathing heavily “But I’m not the one trying to fight an electric based attack in an area half soaked in mud.” Nana smirked standing back up, hallowed rain at the ready. “Don’t underestimate me, the battle field is my weapon, you are my ENEMY!!!” she slashed down sending a diagonal wave at her opponent.

Yumi side stepped, barely avoiding the sudden blast while landing in another section of mud electrified from the previous wave. “Lucky shot. It won’t happen again.” Yumi stood up straight and detached the two blades, now holding one in each hand. “Your pathetic.”

“SHUT UP!!!” Nana screamed sending another horizontal wave closely followed by two diagonal waves forming an X in the air and with a final twist she buried hallowed rain down to the hilt in the ground sending electrical shock waves in every direction. Still breathing heavily she rose, leaving hallowed rain in the earth while she caught her breath. “That got her.”

“Wrong again Nana!” she looked up behind her just in time to see Yumi falling towards her, swards ready….

Everything froze, the tips of the two blades about to pierce her back, aimed for her heart. An alarm clock calling in the distance, Nana sat bolt upright in her bed, covered with sweat. She looked into the mirror on the adjacent wall, at the scares where her heart should be…lucky she was her sisters opposite.