Nearly Home

[.: ♥ Kiniia ♥ :.]

The sun sat on the horizon, like an orange that was cut slightly off-center. The juice of which cast all the various hues of red, pink, orange and yellows, mixed in loudly with the gentle blue of the dusk Sky. Clouds were scattered erratically across the skyline as if someone had gone mad with the eraser tool on a digital art program.


Laying in the grass was a young man, you could tell that he was young as he could still smile and the bitter irony of life hadn’t smashed him in the ego yet. You could also tell that he was a man due to the post-pubescent stubble he wore upon his chin and the slightly messy sweeping hair. And the obvious biological factors could play a role in there somewhere.


Obviously, the man was not paying any attention to the picturesque landscape, the rolling hills, green fields with cows farting all over the place, and of course the breathtaking view of the sunset. No, our hero -if you can call him that. I wouldn’t - was more intently focused upon the handheld game in his hands. God knows why he came out here to play it though. It seems to me like the glare of the natural light would make it impossible to see.


Eventually. the man stood and stretched long and wide, curling his toes in his blue, sailor-themed plimsolls and giving a monster of a yawn, he looked back at the flattened grass and was quite pleased to see that some of it had yellowed. With a slightly sleepy smile across his face, he set off back towards civilization which thankfully wasn’t too far, as he wouldn’t be able to last two minutes if he had to fend for himself.


Lazily he trudged back through the various machinations and creations that nature had sowed across the landscape to perhaps break up the monotony of grass and hills. Up ahead, The man could see the sihlouetted form of the cityscape melded in with it's sourroundings, though the sharp edges and abrupt drops offered a stark contrast to the soft contours and shimmering lakes of the surrounding environment.


Placing His silver console in the slightly torn pocket of his gray jogging pants and pulling the silver zipper up quickly. With a little smile he pushed off into a sprint, blades of grass at the mercy of his thundering footsteps, torn apart and thrown into the air as if they were bad ideas in a designers workshop.


Tiring fast, small opalescent beads began to perforate his skin. tiny circlets of moisture cascade down his face as his body desperately tried to cool itself in the evening heat of the summer. After a few minutes, the runner was begining to get shocked at how slow he was tiring, being in his lazy state he had mused that perhaps the sheer stasis and abstinence from exercise had rendered him unable to perform such feats, that his body must surely reject the very form of activity.


But lo and behold, here he was, running back over the hills and past the rocky formations, a steadfast and stoic symbol that harkened back to the carefree days he held as a child, memories which were scattered around and hidden in the recesses of his mind, ready to explode into view on the off chance of meeting an old friend. his reminiscence ammunition.


His breaths came in short gasps as the lactic acid started to sieze and burn his muscles, no matter how much air he tried to take in, it just wasn't enough. Eventually, the runner succumbed to his bodys demands, driven to his knees by the sheer force of his exhaustion. The small, lime blades of grass crumpled under his knees, leaving an impression of their shapes into his skin as a final revenge.


Planting his two hands against the cool floor, vegetation tickling his palms slightly as he continued to pull air into his screaming lungs.A few moments passed before the man could look around himself. The sun was almost set, casting a delicate and dangerous wash of red over the tenous sky.


"Nearly Home".

Just a little something I came up with. Now I know I went overboard with trailing off in some parts. I guess I kind of need to quieten that down.. please tell me what you think and be brutally honest!

[Døvu]

i liked it A few grammar errors, but you have a great vocabulary, which is something I find hard to incorporate into things I attempt to write, however you made it seem easy. I also like your detail you put into the imagery. I felt like I could see through the character's eyes, and it looks exactly like a place I like to jog/hike to by my house.


Good work

[.: ♥ Kiniia ♥ :.]

Heh, thanks a lot. Yeah I always try with my vocabulary. Seriously thanks, it means a lot to me for people to like my writing. I just read a lot of books and you pick up stuff I guess.


and with the description, I love to paint the scene, I normally do the five senses whenever I can to really try and involve the reader ^^


thanks again so much

[Alexei]

Really well written, I don't usually enjoy short stories but this was very well done.


I'm afraid I can't offer any criticism seeing as I fail at writing.

[.: ♥ Kiniia ♥ :.]

awwwr thanks ^^ I'm sure you're not that bad


currently working on a pony fanfic, which should be good.


though I wont be able to post it up many places I dont think






oh well!


/)^3^(\

[Alexei]

Anything pony is always a plus to me, looking forward to reading it.

[CormacCoyotecraft]

You have a good visual piece going here, but I recommend reading over the piece (preferably out loud) and giving it some good editing yourself before you post it. This will help you out with working out your trailing off problem, as well as any grammatical/story errors spell check won't catch.


When you describe the clouds, I would suggest a more organic description outside of a computer. While I see what you were trying to get across, using a computer program for descriptive imagery is boring. I suggest using something akin to "it looked as if bits of the blue sky were pulled away to reveal a white wall." In relation to this, you have a good opportunity to describe the transition of the time of day from evening to night; I wouldn't miss the chance to develop this.


In general, I would work on your metaphors and similies in regards to description of the landscape. Your description of the cityscape and its surroundings starts off well, but falls flat due to a lack of imagery. The description of the lakes are a good part of this; add more.


However, you do well with the paragraph beginning with "tiring fast." The description of the sweat is done well because the reader gets a clear picture in his head. It also helps portray the man's physical exhaustion.


Hopes this helps; don't hesitate to message me if you want any more feedback