I vaguely remember the light tripple of your paws on the marble floor. I wish it would be more clear, but it lies so far back. I somehow always had the feeling you were able to tell the difference between marble and the usual concrete you had walked on in your early life. The time before we found you. It was weird, because you were a creature who wouldn't care about the ground she walked on as long as it was there. But there was this fickle sense of awareness I received from you. As if the sentience you were was stronger than anyone was able to assume. You were a lazy one. Smart, but very lazy. And so fragile. Afraid of water because a wave washed you over once. Afraid of that big one up the street because it was... well... big. And then, you grew old. Maybe older than we had noticed, at a faster rate than we wanted. Maybe we could have prevented what happened. If we could have, apologies mean nothing to you. You would simply turn your back, drop to the floor and wait until someone comes and strokes your soft fur while you enjoy the affection.
You are not one of us. You are your own thing. A thing we can't know, or perceive. But I'd like to believe that you were happy. Happy, and sad as well. Alive, in summary. That time when we were alone and mom had left for vacation I could have sworn that you fell into a depression. You loved her so much. More than me, always. I was somewhat of jealous of her. I loved you more than I could ever express, so much that I couldn't stand the fact that I wasn't the first and foremost of the family for you. After some years, I learned to cope, but that jealousy has never, and probably will never die out. You were not just a creature to me. You won't be the same as anyone else in my life. I know that nothing can compare to you. Not because I will never love something as much as I loved you, but because the way I loved you was unique. You were more than just someone I grew up with. You were more than someone that just left my life. You were more than just a creature. More than just a living being on this planet. You were my childhood, you were my teenage years. You were my worries, my sorrow, my happiness and my safe haven. With you, everything felt so meaningless. You didn't care. You lived like a river. You let everything flow. No matter how smart you were, the way you lived was more fulfilling than the life I will have lived. There is a lot I have learned from you, more than I would like to admit. But I thank you, even if you don't know what that means.
There is tragedy in your departure. But there is more than tragedy. You have left me just as I have become an adult. It seems childish to think that this is your way of telling me something. Giving me a sign to spread my wings. To start living like you did. But if it is childish, even immature and foolish then I am glad to entitle myself as those three things and live with them as definitions of my name forever. You have given me more, you have given me in such a unique way. I am positive that no one will ever be able to understand. This might sound selfish, but it is not supposed to be. You give everyone different things. And to me, you have given things so important that they can't compare. Any lesson I have learned through words, every story I have heard written on paper, every feeling I have felt watching, reading, observing and learning the world around me can't compare to what I have managed to understand from you. I will spend some time alone now. Reclusive. Not physically, but mentally. I want to comprehend the full extent of our lives. The time we spent together. I wish to say goodbye to you not with sadness in my heart, but with hope and strength in my soul. You have not left me yet, but there will come a time when you will. When that comes, I hope you can forgive me for letting go. For not holding on to you the way I should have when you were still here.
I ask myself if this shame has a name. But every time I try to answer with myself, or someone else, the fact that I couldn't be more wrong hits me in the face like your soft groans whenever you felt relaxed. They were so present that every one of them meant the world to me. They were your way of talking, of saying something. To be clear, this shame doesn't have a name. It doesn't have a face and is everyone and anyone I want it to be. You have subtly taught me that letting it reign over myself will only cause me to stop and turn my back on all the things that mean something to me. So I won't. You are gone, and I am sad. But I will be happy again once I am able to say my farewells. My last farewells to your existence in my life. I have not fully grasped that you are gone yet. Maybe I will never fully do that. But I am quite sure that one day I will at least be able to smile again. I thank you for everything, I will love you for what you were, I will remember you for who you were. All the things that come now can come. You have left me, but what you have left me with is more than enough to deal.
With that I let the paper bare my burden. May you rest in peace, in the same way that the tears sogging your body will dry up one day.
