There was a feeling of nothingness. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't see, I couldn't hear anything. There was nothing. Then suddenly, there was something. A room. It was like any other room, in the sense that it had four walls, a ceiling and a floor, however it felt off. The room was completely white and there was no obvious exit. No door, not a single window. Just a blindingly white room. Slowly, I approached one of the plain walls and stretched out my hand to touch it. It was cold and seemed to have the texture of smooth stone. I suddenly came to realisation that I was dreaming, everything about this room was familiar, I had this dream several times within the past year, every time it was the same. I would would feel nothing, see the room, observe the room, touch the wall and then realise I was dreaming. It was around about this point that something new happened.
I felt uncomfortable, I had never felt uncomfortable inside this room in my dreams, but I suddenly just wanted out. I wanted out more than anything, it was the only thing I could think about. There was an itching sensation in the back of my head, no matter how much I ignore it, it refused to go away. I could feel my blood beginning to boil and pound in my head, fists clenching. Before I knew it there was a sudden crunch. I calmed down slightly, wanting to know what disturbed the silence of the white room. I slowly looked down and saw my own fist against the wall and a crack where it had just hit. Before I had any time to question how I caused a crack in, what at least felt like, a stone wall I heard a voice. It was faint but I definitely heard it.
"Wake up"
My eyes shot open.
"Do you hear me child?"
That voice was like nails on a chalk-board, groaning, I slowly sat back up and looked down at my desk which now had a little drool on it courtesy of yours truly. I could hear the teacher still yelling at me but honestly, I didn't care. Nor did I care for all the eyes looking my way wither. Suddenly, a loud ring could be heard throughout the corridor outside.
"All of you get out. Including you Alexander, this is a classroom, not a motel"
I rose from my seat and left the room, my walk somewhat similar to a zombie's, sluggish and slow.
"You feelin' tired Xander?"
I stopped, a very familiar boy with slicked back dark brown hair and a very fair complexion moved in front of me.
"No, Markus. I don't"
"Wow, well, hello to you too."
"Sorry, hi"
He started to walk off without saying where he wanted to go, but I had known him long enough to know this didn't mean he didn't want me to follow, quite the opposite, it meant he wanted me to see something. I hesitated, wondering if it would be worth the effort to ask if I could be given some time alone.
"Hurry up, slow-ass"
"Coming, jack-ass"
No, it wouldn't have been.
It didn't take long to match his pace, he was a slower walker, even when he was in a hurry. He had this look on his face, like he wanted to say something but knew it would amount to nothing.
"You going to speak your mind or am I gonna have to ask what's wrong?"
He stopped. A slight smile spreading across his face.
"I was about to ask you the same."
I stared at him blankly. He knew the answer to that question, we'd known each other long enough.
"Of course not. You know it really is hard to tell when you are and aren't okay."
"Well that's your problem, Markus. Not mine."
"You're right it is my problem. You've changed so much over the last year."
I just stood there for a moment and blinked. Processing what I had just heard.
"Changed? How have I changed?"
He groaned and took off again so I had no choice but to follow.
"Exactly what are you taking me to see?"
"You'll see."
There was a pause in the flow of conversation.
"Xander, do you actually feel anything at all?"
"No."
"Really?"
I stared at the floor, avoiding his gaze.
"I mean, it really isn't hard for me to believe. I often find myself searching your face for some kind of emotion and I see nothing!"
He was raising his voice slightly, I couldn't help but feel envious of his passion.
"Don't be ridiculous..."
"Tell me when you last smiled then"
I said nothing, I didn't know, I just didn't ever seem to have a reason. It's not like I chose not to...Suddenly something clicked in my mind. A slight epiphany, the most minor of things yet it was so important.
"You don't know do you?"
"No. I do know. A year ago."
"What happened?"
I couldn't answer, at the time I was only just piecing it together in my head. Not that I didn't know all along I had just forgotten. Forgotten...Something made that stick in my mind but what was it? Why?
Markus suddenly came to a halt. I was looking at the floor the gears in my mind turning as I desperately tried to figure out the answer to his question. My attention was caught by something small and white bouncing across the floor and coming to rest at my feet. I stared at it as it slowly dawned on me that it was a tooth.
I tore my eyes away from the tooth to see a small, rather feminine looking, boy being stood over by too much larger ones. I raised an eyebrow.
"This happens everyday to him."
"Why should I care?"
"He used to be your friend! Are you going to tell me you don't remember Addison?"
I did remember Addison, he was always quiet, rather fragile and always needed are help but he was kind.
"I do"
"Well how does it feel to see that?"
I contemplated how I felt, searching for something and found nothing.
"That's how it works. The weak are prayed on by the strong"
Markus's jaw had dropped so hard it nearly looked like it was broken. He didn't even say anything but he didn't have to. His eyes said it all.
"You're a monster. He was your friend. What happened to you? When did you choose to stop caring?"
Wait...Choose...Again, a word sticking in my mind. Why was that happening?
Markus ran off. Not like he usually did, this time he really didn't want me following him. I stood there. Racking my brain, trying to find the answer to that question: "What happened?" I was getting angry, at first I assumed at the fact I couldn't find the answer, but no it wasn't. I already knew the answer, and I hated myself for it.
I clung to that hatred. The first powerful, fully realised emotion that I had allowed myself to feel in an entire year. I had chosen to forget. Chosen to wear a mask of uncaring indifference and just eventually forget how to feel. It all started with...No, it wasn't the time or place for that. I looked up at what was happening before me and made a decision. It was a dumb decision, but I was angry and I wasn't going to just left that go. I decided that I had had enough of just pretending I didn't care. so I am yet to regret...
I charged one of the two guys standing over Addison, they had started kicking him since Markus left, and tackled him to the ground. Slamming my fist down onto his nose, causing blood to start leaking from it like a faucet. It was short-lived, the other one quickly grabbed me and I was beaten within an inch of my life. Addison ran away and my body didn't stop hurting for the next week, but it was fine. It was worth it, because in the end at least I felt it. After a year of nothing, I felt something.
(forgot to put that feedback is both welcome and wanted so feel free to critique or say what ya thought of it)
