Marquise Dragma's School of Magic - The darkness approaches

[HellEye]

After some technical difficulties it's here hopefully!

So umm... Hello! I never did this kind of thing, but I got bored and inspired. Bored because the RP about this school we have started is going slow due to timezone madness and inspired by the said RP starting at all and by my new friend Pegulsus' story he posted on yesterday. Thanks Pegu, wouldn't have written this without you showing me it's not that hard
Please let me know what you think, what you like, what you dislike. Also, I'm not a native speaker, so feel free to point out and/or correct any mistakes I made in here.

Enjoy!




Part I - Awakening

The rain started falling from the sky. The streets were empty, mages made sure to inform all the citizens about the weather schedule for this week. The farmers from around the city were asking for rain since two weeks ago. The summer was very dry this year. Inside the college building mages were concentrating on the task, keeping the water flowing from the sky.
Yet there were more pressing matters for the archmage and the circle. A new source has been found. The college has been collecting them since its foundation almost eight hundred years ago, storing them away so that no evil can corrupt them. This one is a fire source, Tiberius is sure about it. The other members of the circle trust his judgement, as the fire guardian he feels his element like no-one else.

In the hall of the elements all six guardians and the archmage are standing in a circle. All of them are sharing their power between each other, trying to find the location of the source. It creates a big disturbance in the magic field that surrounds and penetrates the world, but the radius of it's influence is still small when comparing it to the size of the world. All seven animals are now projecting their spirits in different places of the world, looking for the artefact.

-It's here, I found it -  says the earth guardian, Dharma Thickscale. Her eyes slowly open, revealing reptilian elliptical pupils - It's far away, I doubt we will be able to transport more than three of us there. - She looks at the archmage, waiting for his decision. The old gray wolf slowly nods:

- Dharma will go as a guide, Tiberius will be there to control the source. In case of accidents Seth should be there to stop the fire. Good luck, Guardians! Come back safely.
Seth the Wild, Dharma Thickscale and Tiberius Stormkeeper stepped into the middle of the circle without a word. Energy previously flowing around it now concentrated into a cylinder. Guardians enter it and slowly fade away, draining the magic from the cylinder.

Little did they know, this time it won't be a go in and go out situation, for the shadows are now awake and after something more powerful than a mere source, a sphere of condensed elemental magic. They seek an artifact powerful enough to destroy the balance of the elements and rain chaos upon all races. They just need the sources to power it, and this is the first one that appeared since they awakened.




I guess that's it for now. Leave any sort of feedback, positive and negative, and remember, it was written for fun. Hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing.
Part Two in one or two days hopefully!

Sorry for the leftover bbcode, should've done a preview

[Pegu]

A very descriptive start, I like it.     I feel you've set the stage quite nicely here, Hell'    Also, very well done considering English isn't your first language.

[Proto Triose]

I'm inclined to agree with Peg on all points - considering English isn't your first language, you write it a lot better than most of the people out here. Im sure you've seen the nuclear wasteland that is Facebook *shudders* I love the idea, too. Whenever it's a school for magic, I always have a part of me that worries it's a Harry Potter duplicate. This absolutely wasn't, and I was extremely happy to see that!

When it deals with magic, a lot of people also don't put limits to their characters or their power. The fact that you included that it's a finite resource - extremely powerful, but can only handle so much - is refreshing. I feel it makes the story and the characters more relatable. Too powerful and never ending is the Superman Syndrome. He's dull and boring because he's all powerful. Nobody can relate to that. Very happy to see the part that they could only transfer three.

Here's the part where I can help make it longer. Now, this by no means -needs- to be done, if you don't want to. How you have it isn't bad at all. But if you want to, then you can. It's something very simple that you can use, and always adds pages if not entire chapters. "Show, don't tell." It's a common thing people do, just inform the reader. Twilight is a prime example of this. Stephanie Meyer has a tendency through the whole book to -tell- you that Edward is a perfect specimen of a man, but she never shows that, she just tells you and expects it to be so.

So the last paragraph, if you want to, can be turned into a whole scene. When they get there, something is wrong. It doesn't feel like it normally does. Maybe shadows are waiting for them, and they catch glimpses while on the way to retrieve the element. Then they're attached by the shadows. Or they can find remnants of the shadows being there, maybe they took the element and the three of them need to get it back before it goes too far? So they have to infiltrate, retrieve it. Which opens up the question of why they took it, why are the shadows back?

Again, just something to get the ideas flowing if you want to flesh it out some. I don't know why you were discouraged to write, this is very good! I'll be excitedly looking for the next post along with Peg's story!

[HellEye]

I don't know why I was hesitant either. Thanks for the complements, both of you. I do have quite a bit more ready, won't post it from the tablet though, I already broke the formatting on this one once on the pc. Will have it up tomorrow.
Boy when it starts to flow you can't stop it. I might've found a new hobby

[HellEye]

I guess it's time for part two then! I had to cut it in an awkward place because it was getting lengthy. Will make you want more I hope! Enjoy!

Part II - Encounter
Hot, dry air hits the faces of the Guardians as soon as the Hall of Elements disappeared. Then comes the scent of sulphur, known to Tiberius. He feels the energy of fire well before he properly teleports to the volcano. Then comes another feeling. It overwhelms even the power that the boiling rocks emit.

Weakness.

Fear.

He never felt that way. Maybe to some degree, but now it was much stronger. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. Then it disappears. He now stands near a whirling cylinder of magic, their way home.

-Did you just feel something? - He asks worried about his ability to perform the task, then a paw lands on his mouth, silencing them. The white fox then slowly points down the slope. Dharma follows with her lizardy eyes. Now they all see (or maybe just feel) it, even through the clouds. Something they have only read about, until now.

The darkness.

Not a creative name for it, but a descriptive one. It’s not something you can describe. In many tales it’s a being, chasing it’s prey. In myths it appears as thick, black smoke. The mages knew that those were mere deceptions, created to break one’s will. In reality the real darkness was just that. Darkness. A shadow crawling on the ground and walls. Not a normal shadow that is cast by animals or houses. It was literary the lack of light. A black blot of ink, constantly moving forward, consuming the grass it gets on, leaving behind plain soil.

-We have to move. Now. - Commands Seth. - Where is it Dharma?

The alligator comes to her senses in two seconds that feel like eternity. A long second after Tiberius wakes up too. The Earth Guardian starts walking into the middle of the volcano. Her companions follow her. Without a word they form a bond of magical power between each other. Alligator and wolf concentrate and lava - a mixture of their elements - flows to the sides. Then it cools down and solidifies when the albino fox raises his paws. They walk through the lake of flames towards the middle of the crater.

Tiberius feels the presence of the source stronger and stronger. He can’t locate it, but he knows it’s close. After a short time the other Guardians feel it too. It finally appears, a swirling red ball of power. Stormkeeper pulls out a small ruby, places it underneath it and concentrates. The gem floats up and shatters, forming a cloud of sparkles. They form a sphere around the Source. It starts to spin, slowly becoming less sparky and more opaque.

Fire Guardian slowly opens his eyes, steps forward and grabs the protective case with the Source inside. The group turns around, but what they see is not pleasant. Black ink is now starting to spill over the peak of the volcano. Their way out is cut off. Always calm Seth grabs a small cylinder shaped item out of his pouch and looks at it.

-Do it. We can’t let that thing inside the school, even if it would cost us lives - says Dharma.

He throws it, then pushes it gently with a blow of wind. It lands in the cylinder. The magic starts to fade and disappears completely right before the Darkness touches it. It slows for a bit, clearly thinking (Can it think) of a new plan, then starts to go towards the lava lake the guardians are in. If not school, it at least wants the Source.








Google Drive is bad for this, I have to put in all the enters again... It should be fine though, hope you like it. How's the length? Shorter, longer, about right? It looks longer in the document I'm writing it in, this was a bit longer than one page.
Next one tomorrow I hope

[Pegu]

Oooh, I like it. Again, doing well with your English - Most English people can't speak that well! (seriously, I've heard a bunch in Chatham town centre, it's awful.)

[Proto Triose]

Very much looking forward to the next part. You guys are the reason I keep writing. It's very inspiring and driving to see other people's work. I really look forward to more about the Source. What does it do? Why are they after it? Does it augment other sources? Very good, leaving questions unanswered while answering some. Definitely keeps interest piqued.

I very much liked the description of capturing the source; I could see it like a movie, and in the end that's the very thing you're going for. That they sacrificed themselves (we're forced at this point to assume) and the source they just collected to save the school shows both their dedication and how important the school is. I don't know if that was intentional, but it was very well done.

As for length, the more important question (and I think I told this to Pegu) is if you're satisfied with it, as the author. Did you say and/or describe everything you wanted to, or did you force it to end before the scene was ready because it was feeling long? I know I've been tempted to do that when chapters reach 20 pages. But if you haven't said and done everything a scene requires, don't end it. I've also had two page chapters because that's all I needed.

So really, I'm your reader - I'm going to read and enjoy what you give me. Are -you- satisfied with the length? Because that's what matters. You're the story teller. But yes, I enjoyed the whole thing, if that answers it in a different way.

[HellEye]

Well, here's the next part, went a little longer with it as Proto said. If I knew better the beginning would be in the second part probably, wasn't sure about the lengths then. Some epic wizardy stuff at the beginning, then just some story, some talks and some explanations.
Fun side note, found "remove editing" button, It's the best!
Enjoy!



Part III - Finding exits.

The air around the Mages started to get more and more damp. Seth's white fur starts turning silver. Dharma and Tiberius stand shocked, seeing an immense magical aura around the fox. He turns to them, smiles (which is even more shocking than his power) and says.

-You might want to hold your breath.

The moisture in the air suddenly condenses. Both unprepared guardians fall as the water starts filling the entire crater at once. The hiss of lava can only be heard for a split second, then their ears get filled with liquid. Seth starts swimming up first, Dharma follows right after. She pulls Tiberius’ robe and he starts to swim as well. Just as they get above the surface of now a flat rock, the gravity wins with water as it starts to flow to the other parts of the volcano. Not stopping to admire the lake that is forming, the Guardians run toward the side not covered in Darkness. As they get to the edge three flat boulders rise from the ground, clearly the alligator's work. They jump on them and start sliding down the hill.

The evil sensations come back, but they know how to fight them now. As they are approaching the bottom of the volcano Seth starts to feel weak. The rocks stop on the ground and he falls off of his, tumbling on the grass. Tiberius pounces toward him, picking him up.

-Seth, can you hear me? Wake up, we have to go. - Seth blinks a couple of times. -Can you walk?

-I don't know, help me out a bit would you?

The wolf holds the fox with his arm, three Guardians start walking away from the volcano.

The Darkness stays in the crater, watching (can it watch?) the animals getting away. Then it lets out a sound. It couldn't be described, but will be remembered by anyone who heard it. A deep growl-like sound. It gives an uneasy feeling. Then the ink starts to turn around, flowing the same path it followed on its way there.

The guardians walk until dusk. Dharma knows that at this pace it will take them at least two months to go back to the school. And double that time to create a new portal in the middle of nowhere, with only the three of them to power it and nothing to channel the energy through. Two months. They don't have that much time. The Mages have to know about the danger as soon as possible. She thinks of other ways. Speaking stone? They have to be physically linked. Controlling a wild bird to send a message? The spell will fade off before it gets to the school.

She then recalled something. When looking for the Source she saw a place with an unusual magical signature. Could it be… she wasn't sure, most of them were destroyed in an accident a long time ago. Most, not all. One of them is in the possession of school, that's certain. She studied it for some time, not having the map of others remaining it couldn't be of use. It's on the way to the school, they will have to move next to it. 

They made a camp. The alligator picked berries for food, the wolf made a fire and the fox gave them water to drink. They could all to this, it's a low level of magic known to all students, yet they were used to their elements too much. After spending years in the circle they know their roles. Trusting each other on every action, helping others, sharing energy. The last part is the hardest. It takes some of the Mages decades to create a bond with another being. The Guardians had a month to develop the skill, and then create six bonds at once when needed. It requires both sides of the bond to synchronize every action they make during the forming. Every step, every breath, every heartbeat. And they can do it in the heat of battle now. That's why they're the Guardians.

The night is long and cold. They take turns watching for threats, none show up. In the morning Seth looks a lot better than after casting the spell earlier. Neither Dharma nor Tiberius ask him about it. But they are thinking. Controlling the water, while hard in some situations is one thing. Creating water though… It required a lot of power and a very complicated formula to change air into water. They can't imagine it even on a small scale, and Seth created an entire lake.

For now, they have to get to the school. Seth's powers won't weaken. The Darkness will however grow in strength.

Dharma starts leading the way again. After another day of walk with minimal breaks they all begin to feel a magical field. Only the earth Guardian knows what this is. They enter a clearing and see a hut. Just a normal wooden house except for a giant obelisk standing in a close proximity. Now they all know how to get back.

A Waystone.

-Is it still working? - asks Tiberius.

-It should be. Can't you feel it? - Seth steps forward - We have to find the keeper, without him we won't go too far anyway.

The Guardians go to the front door and knock on it. The door opens, no-one is behind it though. The animals enter the room and notice a white creature. It's about 1.2 meters high, has large ears and a pair of ant like feelers. It sits on a couch and looks at the newcomers. A tree spirit, rare sight outside of their home. Without word he shows another couch. Guardians sit on it, Tiberius says:

-We’re looking for the keeper.


-You found him then - answers the spirit.

-Does the Waystone still work? We have to get to Marquise Dagma’s school as fast as we can.

-It both does and doesn't - answers the spirit mysteriously. - The focusing stones have withered with time. I'm neither a stonemason nor a mage. But the Waystone itself should work. It either needs a lot of power or a new set of stones.

-Can I see them? - asked Dharma.

-There are eight around the clearing. Come, I'll show you.

-One more thing: -says the wolf - What is your name?

- I'm Narderan - says the keeper as he gets up, getting ready to leave.







It does look lengthy, but it was both a good place to start and to end. Tell me: more or less magic theory? I enjoy coming up with how things work, I don't know if you want to read it though (I'm talking about the magical bonds here). Please don't tell me I should write what I want Proto, If it was a book I would, it's a stupid little story for a forum, I'll enjoy it either way, I want you to enjoy it too though! More explanations about all the stuff like the Source and the Darkness will come when the action goes back to the School. Not gonna write anything else here, you spent way much time reading it anyway. Love you all! See you tomorrow!

[Pegu]

*Squeeeee* A fellow treeborn 


Things are picking up - and I like the way it's going 

[Proto Triose]

Very much agreed. I love the direction it's taking. I see a whole new adventure for them just getting the repairs done to the way stone! And this, I actually planned on saying something more. You've got the length you like down, and the question of explaining magic more is one that directly effects the reader, not just a personal touch.

I think you absolutely should explain more of the magic! How you do it is up to you, but a personal note on writing to help with that. You're correct when you worry that it will get boring. Spewing facts and how things work can get very tedious. But it doesn't have to be. I'll use an example of my own. When Aria and Ames are playing with the panel for Control Center Four, I explain the inner diagram of the world by having them accidentally turn on flood lights that illuminate the gears and machinery that compromise the core of the planet. Follow that up with Ames touching a glowing blue dot and sliding it downward in one of four sectioned off maps. They don't know what it does, but later in book one Aria notices that the Fall-Winter sector has moved to the south from where it used to be.

Using characters and scenarios to actually -perform- the action helps to cement and explain how it works in a much more entertaining fashion, and helps the idea stick better. In that example, you see Ames move something, then are shown a result of said action.

I hope that all makes sense. I would adore to hear more of your magic and how it works. When you use that, there's nothing wrong with stopping to explain it either before or after the action, but remember to have it fit in with your story where they can perform it in a way that blends into them doing it. That way, it's explained, then I can see it work. Even if it's as small as lighting a fire.

Can't wait to see more of the tree spirit; he intrigues me quite a bit. This is far from a dumb little story - it's very well thought out and has attention and care put in to it. Every work is a thing of value - how do you think they made a little poem about a girl who pretends to be a man in an army into an hour and a half long movie called Mulan?

[HellEye]

Okay then, some more stuff! A bit longer again, but I hope it's good.
Enjoy!



Part IV - The return

The group first goes north, to the edge of the clearing. Right before the forest shows its presence lays a stone, about a meter high, shaped like a cylinder. It is clearly old, moss growing all over it only slightly hides different parts of the rock that fallen off. Narderan cleans the stone, revealing runes written on it.

- Do you think you can recreate it? - he asks, but Dharma is already concentrating. The ground shakes and a rock rises from the grass. It breaks off and starts to float. Seth helps her by removing the focusing stone, making space for a new one. He then dries off the moss and washes the old relic, revealing all of the runes. The new focus gets placed in the same spot the old one was. Minor cracking sounds can be heard coming from the inside of the irregular boulder. The alligator is focusing even more, rising her claws and getting closer to the stone. The cracking intensifies. Then the earth guardian stops and smiles.

- It's ready.
- Emm… it still looks like a big rock… - Says Tiberius.
- It does on the outside. - She raised her claw again and makes it into a fist. The boulder turns into dust. When the cloud of sand falls down it reveals a smooth replica of the old cylinder, with runes carved on its surface. Some places are not inscribed. The keeper gets a small stone lying around and writes the remaining runes, then Dharma makes the marked bits fall out like they were never connected to the stone.

- One or two of the stones might be in a good enough shape. You will have to do that with the rest of them if you want to use the waystone.
- It shouldn't be a problem, this one took me a while because I had to learn the structure of the rock here, made a couple of versions of it before I was sure I will be able to replicate the shape. Shouldn't take more than a minute for the other…

She stops and shivers. The other mages feel that too, and the keeper will in fifteen minutes at most.
- It has found us. - whispers Tiberius. - other stones, now! - he commands.
- What's going on? - ask the keeper but he starts walking to the second one.
- We have to escape now, Dark forces are getting close.

The spirit’s face gets serious as he speeds up. Even without any idea about what Dark forces are, they sound bad and he doesn't want to be involved in anything that has to do with them.

Dharma completes the second stone much faster than the first, skipping the big reveal. They run to the next one, and then the next one. After 12 minutes they're done with 5 of the stones and the Keeper decided that one of the old focuses is still in shape. As they’re walking to the seventh stone he starts to think about his life here, peaceful until now. Since the waystone accident 43 years ago no travelers have been here, he wasn't needed anymore. And he won't be needed anymore after. Nobody will need him. Nobody will love him. The life is pointless.

A paw lands on his shoulder. He sees Seth's face.
- It's the Darkness. Don't think, just do. Then you'll be okay.

The final two focuses are done even faster. The group then moves to the middle of the circle. Narderan touches the big obelisk and the runes start to glow. Light blue mist starts going out of the carvings. It flows down, fills invisible paths in the ground, forming incredible shapes. But the sky gets a little darker with every second. Uneasy feelings are getting stronger. Dharma turns around and sees the pool of ink slowly creeping through the forest, as well as seeing the path it took, marked with dead trees.
- How much longer? - she asks? - we have two minutes until it reaches the focus stone.
- We should start running then - says the spirit - it takes five to connect if I know the place, ten if I don't.
- I know the place. Explain to me how do I target it. We can sustain the lack of one focus ourselves - says Tiberius. Seth nods and starts gathering magic to pour into the obelisk if the focusing stone gets destroyed by the Darkness. Narderan starts talking hastily, explaining how to choose the destination. Tiberius puts his paw on the stone and follows the instructions.

- How long does it stay open? - Asks the alligator. - I have a bad feeling.
- About one or two minutes… - answers the spirit. - Why do you ask, it's plenty of time…

She doesn't answer, just points at the Darkness. It flows around the focusing stone, leaving it intact. It doesn't want to get them. It wants to go with them!

- Any way we could close it after we leave?
- I don't know…
- I do - Says Seth. - Destroy the focus, I'll keep it open. Then I'll drop the magic from me, it should last for ten seconds before it dissipates.
- No, it's dangerous for you. You will stop being alive without the magic.
- Then you will have to heal me at the school. I don't see another way, unless someone is to stay here. - The Darkness was just a dozen meters away - are you ready Tiberius?

He nods and takes his paw off the stone. The mist on the ground starts to gather in one place, spinning around. Then it shoots upwards, creating a pillar of blue light. Fire Guardian then conjures a large fireball and throws it at one of the focus stones. It melts, setting the forest on fire. Seth immediately starts sending his magic to the stone. The portal gets distorted, but is still in place. The Darkness is within the reach of a paw however. The group hastily moves towards the portal. Seth staggers. He falls to his knees but maintains the connection with the stone. The keeper rushes to him and pushes him away just before the pool of ink can reach him. Dharma picks him up and says “now!". A dense cloud of magic flows from the fox’s body, leaving him without breath. Tiberius helps with moving Seth, the spirit follows them. Magic starts to weaken, the portal fades slowly. The Darkness is just a meter away when they jump through the portal. It closes right after.

In the artifact room of Marquise Dagma’s School of Magic a couple of students are observing a magic staff when the air fills with a form of static electricity. They look around and see three animals and a white creature appear near a giant monolith. In the dim light they notice ornamented robes of the Circle members. One of them, a white fox is carried by the other two. White creature falls to the ground, holding its leg . They notice a small part of it getting darker and darker. They get snapped back to reality by one of the newcomers shouting 

- Don't just stand there, get a healer now!

They take a last glimpse of the weird creature they have never seen before, the black part of it’s leg growing constantly. Then they all run for a healer.


Whew! The next one isn't as long as this one.
I sure hope they'll all be alright Thanks for reading!

[Pegu]

*Lurks for part 5* 

[HellEye]

Okay, next one for your entertainment! These come pretty fast actually... It's scary how much fun it is!




Part V - A fight for lives.

A group of healers arrive shortly after.

- What happened to him? - asks one of the medics
- He dropped his magic… - answers Dharma
- And the other one?
- Which one? The rest of us are fine.
- The white one.

Both Tiberius and Dharma only now notice Narderan on the floor, holding his black leg. They leave Seth to the medics and go to the spirit.

- Talk to us, what happened? - starts the wolf
- I don't know, it hurts!
- Did you touch the Darkness?
- Maybe, I didn't feel anything. Please do something!
- I need a light focus! - shouts Dharma. One of the students that were here before and came back to watch tosses her a diamond. She stabs it into spirit’s leg, making him scream in pain. She then concentrates on it, using the element she didn't for a long time. Light, not as commonly used now as it was back when Darkness was a common sight in the world. Spell shrinks the blight a little but it still expands slowly.

- We need to get him to Noon! - she says to Tiberius.

He picks the keeper, now unconscious from the pain he experienced and runs to the door. The students rush behind him ready to help. A floating disc is waiting behind the door, he and the students jump on it. Dharma watches Seth who is still laying on the floor with medics casting spells on him.

- He's strong, Guardian. - says one of the medics. - Most other beings would be beyond help now. We're sustaining him manually, but I believe we can start his heart in time. The body needs to gather some magic before that.

- Thank you for the news - says Dharma as she looks at the fox who saved them.

The corruption expands, covering a quarter of Narderan’s body. He is still unconscious with a wound on his dark leg. The disc is arriving to the Light Guardian, Noon Stargazer’s office. The gray and black striped cat is sitting in a chair with countless parchments and quills on his desk. The door opens suddenly and Tiberius runs in with something on his hands. Noon jumps a little at the sudden noise and looks at the newcomer. Fire Guardian lies the thing that turns out to be a body of a white creature on the desk.

- He touched the Darkness. - says the wolf. - We tried to stop it, but we only slowed it down. He has a focus in the leg - he points at the wound.
- Wait, the Darkness? As in the myth?
- Yes, I'll explain later. Now do something!

Small magic lights present around the room flash with a blinding light. The wound emits a ray of light too. The Light Guardian waves his paws in different directions around the body. Curious students peek inside, watching the light show and clearly not understanding what is going on. Meanwhile sweat shows on Noon’s forehead, he closes his eyes in order to concentrate better. From the wound with the focus inside a circle of white fur slowly expands, purging the Darkness from the Keeper’s body. After couple of minutes there was no sign of the corruption other than the wound in his leg.


- Get him to the medics, pull the diamond out - recommends the cat before sitting on the chair again, his head getting dizzy from the use of strong magic
- Are you okay? - asks Tiberius
- Worry about him. Who is he anyway?
- He’s a Keeper of the Waystone, he helped us to get back to the school.
- So that’s how you returned. We were worried after the portal closed but the Archmage didn’t want to do anything. I’m really glad you’re all okay. You are, right? - Noon has a worried face.
- Seth isn’t, he dropped the magic…
- Sounds like him, he’ll be alright as always. You can’t bring him down.
- I sure hope so - Finishes the wolf. He picks the spirit up and walks out, ignoring the students standing next to the door shocked. As he jumps on the disk it proceeds to the school’s hospital.





I hope you liked it as always. Leave some nice words to warm up my heart if you want, always appreciated! Next part is ready for tomorrow!

[Pegu]

Felt bad for Narderan    - But at least he's okay now, right? ...Right? I hope so.

[Proto Triose]

I'm really sorry I missed both of these, but I sat my wolfie butt down and read them both. That was much better, with showing the magic working and explaining as you went. I really got a grasp of it - a diamond for a light focus was a brilliant idea! Your characters are really coming along and making themselves individuals. I feel much more connected with Seth, especially because you didn't just cram in there "He does these kinds of things." You showed me he does, and made me worried about him. Absolutely loved it. I was even happier to read how quickly it's all coming to you and going together. It's a thrill when you're writing, get to a point, and think "Wow, I have a lot more to go to wrap it up." At least, I think it is. -^.^-

I felt bad for the Keeper, too. That was a wonderful scene. You've gotten a lot of this down pat in virtually no time, I'm extremely proud of you for that. Now I can start in with finer things. I have no complaints about the story telling, nor the characters. Even this is just an exercise that you can try to play around with, see if it's something that makes it more fun to write, or if you feel it flows better. I don't know how to explain it really - have your characters 'play' more. To better explain, I'll rewrite a very small portion of the story (I'm usually loathe to do this kind of thing, adjust any authors work and sully it with my own style, but for this I'll make an exception).


"Get him to the medics." The cat dropped into his chair, putting a hand to his spinning head. The amount of magic he'd just accessed in order to heal the darkness was enough to make most pass out. But he was the Guardian of Light; he merely felt extremely dizzy. With his eyes cast down to try and help with the sudden wave of nausea, he noticed the diamond in the little creatures leg once more. "And I'd pull that diamond out." He recommended, gesturing vaguely toward the gem jutting out of the soft fur.


I don't know how else to show what I mean by let them 'play' more. I use the word play, because your characters are actors on the enormous stage of your own world. You wouldn't want to go to a play where the actors on stage barely move, barely gesture, and do the minimum required for the part, if that makes sense. It's just something that might be fun for you to work on or try to add - not a necessity, but like I said, I like to try and leave something potentially helpful and constructive whenever I read something, if possible. Can't wait for the next part! You're painting a beautiful picture of a story here, and I'm truly impressed with the scope and characters. Keep up the good work!