shadowrun furry twist

[PhantomStone]

well this is like my first writing hing here, so if it's bad fine, w/e, i'm gonna start it off, basically this is based off the tabl top rpg shadowrun, i got the good bad and furry from this game, and now i'm gonna try my hand at writing a story about it, like i said i'm bored and this is my fist time writing anything thats going on the comp. or anywhere, so i'll wing it, i think this is gonna hav a few adventures of this shadowrunning team

"wooooo hoooo" wolfy shouted gunning it on his harley while shooting at lone star hot on his tail, he and his team were just finishing wet work (assasination) and accomplished it nicley, but gett our friendly neighbor hood techno mancer troll, sliped up and the alarm was triggered, and lone star came a running.

"huuu this will be easy" gett smirks drifting around a turn, he was the best driver we had, it felt good to know that he could handle a car

"guys focus" uschi osa shouted from her racing bike, weilding an uzi trying to keep some lone star back. th lone star police cruser was taking damage fast, soon it would crash, and they would get away fast, but unfortunitaly when she looked ahead and saw a lone star riot veichle, blocking there route to safety she swore and shouted "FAMOUS LAST WORDS GETT" as she tilted her motor bike crazily swerving into an alley way, grimacing as she heard getts car grind against the sides of the alley following her and wolfy

"jake we need an evac, now" uschi shouted into her comm link, checking behind her and seeing a new police cruser following them into the alley way

"dude you are driving, i can't get you guys yet, i'm still at the hide out" jake said frowning getting his hover craft out favoring his leg, in the last run lone star got a shot in on him "it will take time" he said getting into the craft and starting i up this thing was used for personal pick up, not veichle flying "plan pick up omega" he asked

"looks like we have no other option" she said looking a head as a lone star cruser pulled up the other end of the alley, blocking it off, they were trapped "thanks gett, YOU HAD TO SAY IT"

[Somebody]

Nice, keep it up. Not bad at all for a first time really


Oh and I should say, you might wanna change "assination" to "Assasination"

[PhantomStone]

thank you tezzor  i'll fix that  :peace:

uschi slams on her braks knowing wolfy he'd be on the right "let me be right" she wispered swerving to the left and letting gett pass her and wolfy, then she sped up, drafting behind getts car, the moment before impact she yanked up on her handle bars and rolled over get's car as it gets slowled by the police cruser, she rolls over the cruser too and drives into the street cricling around the lone stars trying to be a distraction

gett powrs up the ca by adding nos, pushing th totaled cruser out of the way and drifting around the turn, and gunning it out of there, calling wolfy and uschi "hey guys get away plan alpha" he said calmly

uschi heard him and sped up away from the lone stars going the opposite way as gett, tossing some chemical baloons at the cops, and sped away, as fast as she could

wolfy jumped right over the cop cars speeding off in a third rout, tossin a diffrent chemical ballon behind him and speedig off as he hears the chemicals combine and explode, causeing chaos behind him, as her spead to the slums

uschi called jake "plan alpha" she relayed driving off to the slums, as she heard a confirmation from jake, hearing the hovor craft fire up in the back ground, turning off all the lights to her bike, and engaging the silencer she drove to the slums

gett, driving the biggest veichle had a bit of a hard time getting away, he spent over 10 minutes just to put some distance between the crusers and him "come on man, just a few more minutes till we can meet up" he wispered half of his attention on drivin and on scrambling lone stars comm links and directions from higher ups

uschi drove allong, just as the time specifyed was almost up a lone cruser pulled up and cut her off, "awww came on!" she yelled swerving into another alley, and almost to the extraction point

wolfgang almost smiled when he reached the extraction point as the same time as his friends, but he didn't when he saw the hovor craft was no where in sight, "jake hurry up" he yelled skidding around gett who drifted around uschi, as uschi tossed gernades at the lone stars

"hey LONE STAR" jake yelled over the loud speaker on the craft as her hit the singnal, dropping nades and fog devises, totally shourding the square, as his team got lowered by the hydrolic lift in the center of the square

uschi stoped once she flt her self being lowered into the ground a sec. later jake flew in and the roof closed. they had built this place a while ago, only known about by her team, she sighed as the lift touched bottom and the lights came on, revealing there lower hide out, a large cavernous room, big enough for the teams veichles, and for them to stay, the big 700 lbs bear stood up and walked over to the couch and sat down laughing

jake limped out hover craft, the only human in the group, and started laughing too, sat down by uschi

wolfy the fox of the group parked his bike and smiled he almost never laughed but he smiled and opened up some soy and eat som of it

gett opened the car door and laughed with the rest of the troop, he was a troll, in this world trolls, and elf's and dwarves, and orcs were just as comon as human here in seattle, the furry folk like uschi and wolfgang were a lot raerer, but not inheard of, thenks to the SURGE (a magical out sweep that transformed some ppl giving them animal looks and qualities) they were looked down upon, but who wasn't, the trolls and orcs looked down upon the elves for being diffrent and beautiful, humans and some elf's looked down upon trolls and orcs because they were diffrent and ugly. and every one looked down upon dwarves, cause they were so short.

"ahhh, what a way to end the week" wolfy said opening a can and holding it up

"hey we still have jobs to do man" uschi said smiling and clinking her own can with wolfy

"we got time" jake said laughing clinking his own can

"hey"  gett said clinking cans with every body

"what" ushi asked her bro

"i told ya it would be easy"

[Somebody]

First off, Im gonna say the story isn't bad at all, has a nice action feel to it.


However I feel for your benefit I'm going to point out a few things that can help you when you try to write stories.

1) Capitol Letters at the beggining of sentences, as well as names.

2) Better sentence structure, some of them tend to drag on like you're chatting on a messenger.

3) Try to limit how many times you use "And" in your sentences. Split it up into new sentences if you have to. It will give your story a cleaner presentation.

Other then that it's a good effort, the story is there you just need to work on the delivery a bit.

[Wolfgang]

Awesome job bear. I Love it. Keep up the good work.

[PhantomStone]

thanks tezzor, all my teachers get on my bak for run on sentances, i'm getting better every time i write (i hope) also i'm writing this as it comes to me so srry if it lacks editing like some other peices

thanks for the kudos wolfy (good luck at the hearing man, we're routing for ya)


uschi took a deep breath "so now we have to collect our payment, don't we" she maoned. she was big and tall, she was the teams wheel girl, gunbunny, and demolitions dudette. 

"hey what fun is getting chased by the cops if u don't follow up" gett smiled standing up to his full 7' 3". he was prety big even by troll standards, also weighing in at 300 pounds makes him a bit of a heavy weight. gett's jub was the hacker and gillet (street samurai, meta humans who have cyber implants and are very fast far beyond normal meta human speed.) his favorit weapons are his katanas.

"well lets get going" wolfgang said not moving. wolfy was more of a dark charactor,he is our infiltration speciliast and out sorta wheel man and gun bunny

"hey im comming, like u could get the right price without me" jake smiled and winced as he got up. he was our sniper/ rigger/ face. he basicaly shot from out of the building or from behind a drone, and he was the guy who made sure we could get the price we wanted

"well we can't get our nyunen (the type of money in the 6th world) just siting here" uschi said checking over her gear and hopping on her bike. while gett and jake got into the hovor craft. and wolfy hopped onto his hearly gunning the engine. the lift started to rise, once they reached the street, they drove off, keeping in touch with there commlinks "ok meet at the BOUNCERS BASEMENT" she said sounding off the place where they will meet their employer.

"on it" her team answered as they drove off.

****

once the team reached the bar, they looked around and saw a clear coast and walked in. uschi and wolfy deep in there trench coats, in a place where there were drunk trolls and orcs every where, and this was seattle, and every one thought the furry were insuperier to the other meta humans it's not a good idea to stand out and have furry pride.

gett stood near jake as he walked to the back room. hopefully any right minded troll or orc, would not mess with gett. after sometalking to the right people, jake signlled the fox man and bear girl tofollow him into a back room, where their employer was waiting for them.

as jake and gett walked in first they saw there mr. jhonson a small oily dwarf. as they sat down uschi and wolfy followed by jhonsons body guards, and sat down looking at the dwarf from under there hoods

"lets get down to business, jhonson" jake started out casually uschi had to stifeld a groan. this would be a boring night, she hated negotiations, nothing happened to her, unlike a fire fight or such, so she relaxed waiting for jake to roll in the nuyen and get us out of here. but like every tthing else in the 6th world nothing goes to plan... (tbc)

[Somebody]

Nice, I always love character development.

Oh and I hope you didn't take what I said personal.  The only real way for any artist to improve is for others to give them critique.

[PhantomStone]

lol i didn't take it personaly, how would getting upset about true things get to make me a better writer, sides i think that stuff you said made my writing a little better

"why thankyou mr. jhonson" jake said politly amazing how he and jhonson could be in a heated disscussion, at the point of yelling, yet he can still pull off what we need.

"good day" the jhonson said through gritted teeth, he didn't have the charm jake did. with that we got up and walked out, once we reached the bigger, more crowded part of the bar, thats when trouble hit. over a few yards from us was Tag. he was a shadowrunner like them, but what he was doing here, with no sign of his team, was disturbing to say the least. so uschi walked over, the trench coat hood over her face obscuring her muzzle from others in the room.

"i'll have a beer" she said gruffly to the bar keep, who scurreyed away from the mencing figure, under the beat of the music she wispered to her friend "are you ok, where is yumi, or des, or locke?" she asked accepting her beer and taking a sip. looking out of the corner of her eye she saw tag start to shudder, like he was laughing. that ticked her off, a true friend wouldn't laugh about his friends not any where near him, they were a team "tag what is-" she stopped short, she turned tag around, he was crying and a strange collar was around his neck

just as uschi saw the collar, gett was getting shoved around by another big troll, he didn't want to start a fight, this guy was ovbiously a leader, and a lot of trolls would have his back, he singnaled to his team to leave, and he walked out. uschi grabbed a hold of tag and followed her team out. once they reached the outside, she pulled tag into a dark alley. she spun him around to look at him, but before she could say anything, his collar, a weird metal and light device about 1 inch in diameter, started to glow and a ticking noise occured. her eyes widened when she heard the sound and looked at the still sobbing human that was tag.

gett looked around for uschi, when he started to turn back, there was a blast of light from the alley way near him, he heard a human scream, and gasped as it gradually shifted into a rhinos bellow. at the same time, he heard a bears roar, shift into a falcons cry. when the lights died down, and the crying stoped he ran into the alley, followed by his team, just in time to see a small falcon and a taller rhino fall to the ground, uschi was no where to be seen. he looked at the falcon, and saw all of uschi's gear on her, he also remembered the crying roar he heard, and his eyes widened. he grabbed a hold of the falcon, at the same time wolfgang picked up the rhino and they got on there veichles and drove back to the hide out.

(now i'm done and i need a reply to go on, lol)

[Somebody]

Looks good to me. Sentence structure has Improved and its easier to read now definitely.


Keep up the good work

[PhantomStone]

thanks man

ghost started to open her eyes, shaking her self out of sleep she tried to get up, but realised she was strapped to the medical table. her black eyes widened, every thing looked white beyond the single light over head, in fact only the light looked dark to her. "tag, gett, wolfy, jake?" she wispered scared, thinking about the flash of light "tag... TAG" she yelled struggling trying to break out of the cables holding her to the table

gett and the rest of the team walked in and stared at the falcon "shut up" gett said roughly glaring at the falcon "who are you and what have you done to uschi and tag" he spat his hand on a taser

ghost looked around, at her self in particular, she wasn't her self anymore, "gett it's me" she said pleading with hr eyes at her older brother "remember all the times we got into trouble togeather" she said trying to convinse her brother "tag had a collar around his neck, there was a flash of liht and now i'm here, and every thing is white and black" she was babbling and scared

gett scowled at th falcon "how do we know its really you" ge growled taking out his taser and pointing it at ghost

"last year you got locked out of the house with out your keys and shoes and stuff cause donny beat you up, and i looked around for you, and that ganger almost took me away while i was looking for you, but u saved me and beat him up" she said not stopping. "and we just finised a run, and you said it was easy" she followed up. spouting things off as she rememberd them

gett's eyes went wide when he heard all this stuff, he unlocked his sister, and hugged her "what happened" he asked calm, letting ghost cry onto his shoulder, trying not to think about her eyes

ghost proceeded to tell him about everything that had happened that was in her knoledge "where's tag" she wispered finaly calm

gett looked her in the eyes and led he to another room, to see tag, chained up. ghost ran over to him before gett could shout a warning the rhino saw ghost and snarreled, he was crazy now, foam comming from his mouth, spitting and growling at the falcon stunned in front of the table as gett grabed a hold of his sister, taking her out of there

"whats wrong with him" she said on the verge of tears. she sat down on the couch, the rest of her team sitting around her hugging her like the big family they were. she was met by silence. she knew thay could only assume, that this had something to do with cedar krupp. the collar was still around tag, they couldn't get it off of him.

"you know once you get back on your feet we're going to make someone pay" wolfgang wispered, but in the silence the sound carried to the team. ghost closed her eyes, and fell asleep, letting the troubles of the day go away for a few hours untill she would begin her new life as phantom falcon. she would need a new SIN, a new licence, everything, tomarrow would be a long day.

[Somebody]

Keep it up, its coming alone well. The bear has become a falcon. I think that would put everybody on edge

[Wolfgang]

Awesome job. Keep them coming.

[PhantomStone]

thanks again tezzor lol

thanks wolfy

ghost opened her dark eyes scanning the room, taking in every detail. it has been a few weeks sense the alley way explosion, ghost had been training hard to ready hr self for the comming battle. she looked left just as a wooden cut out popped up from a crate and shot paint balls at her, she doged left rolling behind cover shooting back, splattering the last target. as the lights came on, she stood up and grimly nodded to jake, in charge of the training sims. "new high score" jake said approvingaly walking out and looking at his friend, barley covered by paint.
 
"thanks man" ghost smiled looking at the human following him out of the bigger training room to meet up with the rest of the team, having breakfast. tonight they would take ghost on her first run back, being smaller, having new powers, having wings, being faster took some getting used to, now that she had passed her training, the team could get down to business, following some leades on the collar. witch they had not been able to take off of tag. it seemed sense ghost was fine after the change, it probably was the collar that was making him crazy.

"do we have any leds" ghost asked grabbing a bowl of soy with flavor of a steak on it. and siting next to gett, her eyes were weird, no one on her team would meet them, even she didn't ant to look in the mirror and see the white orbs (for her, cause she sees in negative). she looked around, thinking about tag.

"we have to check out cedar krupps data base" jake said grabbing his own soy flavored like some chocolaty cereal. "they are most likely to be behind it, their tech has a specific singnature about it, and the collar reflects it"

"i'll take care of the data search" gett said finishing his soy and looking up "jake will go out and get a job from a jhonson at 36th and baker in the slums, in the dirty dwarf" he said naming a leasser known bar, cheap beer, and shoddy food, the perfect place for the slums lower meta humans.

"ok then we'll head out tonight" jake said smiling "uschi- i mean ghost" he correctd him self "there is some gear in the back tthat should work" he said nodding not looking her in the eye

"ok then we'll meet back here at 8" ghost said finishing her soy and walking int the back room picking out gear

[DaiRraito IS, FurryLAE.]

One word.
Grammar.

Like, capitalize the first letter of every sentence, capitalize the names, etc.

[PhantomStone]

hey i write cause i like to write, and i want to get better, comments help and, as long as u guys can understand it, i'm happy, i just want to get my story out, but if u don't like the way i write, fine (and i know i'm not using grammar, i do that on purpose lol)

ghost met back up with wolfy, and jake. gett was still glued to the couch. "really, does he even do what he says or is he just browsing dating or gaming sites" ghost asked strapping on her lined coat, while slinging on her sword, followed by an asult rifle and a pistol. jake had set up the contract over the matrix (c). we had to get inside a werehouse just out side of the slums and smash some gear desstined for lone star.

the jhonson was hired by the halloweeners (c) a seattle gang. we knew this cause while jake was talking up the elf in question, gett brok away from his task to hack jhonson's files. aparently the halloweeners were planning something, and lone star was not on the invite list.

"well we don't need him" wolfy said confadently, the plan so far was for ghost, and wolfy to slip in unoticed, taking jakes drone, wolfy and ghost would sabatouage all the gear, while the drone was keeping every thing in check, like NOT setting off the alarms. "like our gillet gett could ever sneak"

"is that so" gett said right behind wolfy, he had snuck up with out oru knowing. he laughed as wolfgang jumped, suprised "and i was working hard, i got to he data base, right now i got a sprite decrypting some files" (sprites are spirits in the matrix, technomancers like gett, can control the matrix with there mind, and can summon sprites to do there bidding) gett said smiling ruffling wolfys head fur

"pift and u call ure self sneakers" a automated voice said comming from a robotic lynx, jakes drone of choice, "really i'm made of metal, and i can sneak up on my tea--" he got cut off and gett wrapped a big meaty arm around the large cat robot, controled by there friend in the other room, probably miffed that his tech. was getting beaten by brawn.

"come on guys lets go" ghost said laughing at her friends, walking over to her bike. wolfgang smiled and followed, his tool kit strapped to his back. jake would stay here, and send his drone to work with ghost and wolfy. the drone shook it self out and ran into the night, ghost hopped on to her bike and followed the steel cat, wolfy close behind.

--------

withen about 15 minutes, all 3 of the team was at the wharehouse, ghost and wolfy scouting around the building, looking for ways of entry or evidence of personel there. while the lynx was scanning the building, sense gett was busy, the team, didn't have the bluprints of the building, so they had to do this like the olden times.

onc they had scanned and scouted the building they met up and spoke in subvocalised speech (sound comming from the throat, barley reconiasable without the proper equipment) "there are 2 guards" the lynx transmitted, to wolfy and ghost. "one at the big double door, and the other making rounds"

"right, there is a skylight entrance, and 2 upper story windows" ghost said.

"and there is a locked side door" wolfy said "hey guys i got an idea" he said smiling and wispering fast, this would be cake.