Author Topic: The Young Hero  (Read 3983 times)

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Offline Arilys DuskFlare

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The Young Hero
« on: January 21, 2009, 08:55:56 PM »
I know, I know, the tittle is a bit cheesy, but I couldn't think of anything better.
Anyway, here goes =^.^=

Chapter One: The Beginning

It was night. Swords and screams could be heard not far away.
"Mommy, I'm scared.", a little fox said, hugging his mother.
"We're going to be okay.", the female fox said, hugging the kit and kissing his forehead.
"Vera, they're closing in", a male fox said, running towards them, "I managed to block the door with some furniture but we still have to hurry.", he said.
Vera got up, hugging the kit tight, and then followed her husband. They opened the kitchen door and ran away as quietly as they could.
They went into the forest. Some minutes later they heard more than one soldier running behind them.
"Take Foxx.", the male said, stopping and unsheathing his sword.
"But, Jonathan...", Vera started.
"Daddy!", Foxx said and hugged his father tight, sobbing.
"There, there...", Jonathan said, kissing Foxx softly and putting him in his mother's arms again, "Now, go."
"Jonathan...", Vera said, tears falling from her green eyes.
"You have to hide, Vera, please... just go!", Jonathan begged, then kissed her.
Vera looked at Jonathan, turned and started to run, trying not to cry.
« Last Edit: February 03, 2009, 08:18:55 PM by Foxx »
I are a Mewgia 8D Deal with the cute >83

Offline Vince the Dark

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2009, 08:59:23 PM »
An interesting beginning you have here. A little short perhaps, but good nontheless. ^.=.^

Giruuuuuu!

Offline Arilys DuskFlare

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2009, 09:01:15 PM »
Thanks =^.^=
I write little chapters, so.. =D
I are a Mewgia 8D Deal with the cute >83

Offline Dr. Strange

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2009, 09:05:33 PM »
it's good. I like the edge it has even though it is short.
I go by many names; Mistress of the Abandoned; King of the Shattered; Duchess of the Damned; Nightcatcher; and Dreamwatcher.
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Offline flames

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2009, 09:07:28 PM »
I think "Short but Sweet" best describes this. Your writing shows both edge and potential. Keep it up.
The farewell was premature. My definite stay is not definite. The constants are variable. The greeting was too late.

Offline Kit Angel

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2009, 09:38:12 PM »
Nice foxx ^w^ i like it ^w^
Sometimes even love can hurt, but don't let things get you down, just take them one step at a time in the road that is paved before you because everyone has their speed bumps in life

Offline Arilys DuskFlare

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2009, 09:09:17 PM »
Thanks y'all. Here's the 2nd chapter. =^.^= (Ill probably be posting the 3rd chapter in some minutes, just need to finish some stuff)
It's a little bigger than the last one, apparently I can't do long chapters xD

Chapter Two: Protecting Loved Ones.



Jonathan saw Vera running away with Foxx in her arms.
"I'll be with you as soon as I can", he murmured, then he turned to where the sound was coming from and waited, holding his sword.
Some minutes later, the soldiers saw him.
"Hey, you!", one of them said, pointing his sword at Jonathan.
"What is it?", Jonathan asked with a cold tone of voice.
"You are one of the foxes that lived in the house outside the forest, right?", the soldier asked with a more cautious tone of voice.
"And if I am?", Jonathan said with the same cold voice, getting ready to fight.
"Then we'll have to take you with us and then we go after the other fox. If you fight, we will kill you and also go after the other fox.", the soldier said, then waited for the fox's answer.
Jonathan looked at the guards.
They'll go after Vera and Foxx., he thought, then he started to think why they always had to be running from the King's soldiers.
It all started some ears ago. The former king had died and his son, who was afraid of magic and such, stated that every fur that knew magic or had any special power would be locked in jail. Two young foxes, Vera and Jonathan, ran away from the soldiers. A couple of years later Foxx was born. He was a different fox; he didn't have any black fur, not even as years passed. The only thing black in his body was part of his hair.
Jonathan snapped back to reality, blocking the soldier's sword. He looked at the soldier then took a dagger from his belt and stabbed the guard. The guard fell on the floor, dead. He looked at the other guards.
"RAHHHH!", he screamed as he ran towards the guards. He wasn't going to be caught. The soldiers were surprised by his reaction and tried to stop him.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2009, 12:46:23 PM by Foxx »
I are a Mewgia 8D Deal with the cute >83

Offline Vince the Dark

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2009, 09:16:55 PM »
Nice chapter Foxx. I'll be waiting with interest for more. :)

Giruuuuuu!

Offline skatenjoe10

Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2009, 09:31:24 PM »
Amazing Foxx!

Its so sad  :'(

Offline Arilys DuskFlare

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2009, 09:32:51 PM »
Thanks =^.^=
.. I know.. but maybe it'll get better, only time will tell.
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Offline Dr. Strange

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2009, 09:55:31 PM »
very nice. Can't wait for more. ~shivers in anticipation~ ^^
I go by many names; Mistress of the Abandoned; King of the Shattered; Duchess of the Damned; Nightcatcher; and Dreamwatcher.
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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2009, 05:07:52 AM »
I'd Reccommend working on your vocabulary a bit, as the same course of words are used over and over to infer the same action or emotion.

Also, a bit of a lenghtening could be in order, but otherwise the point is made by the story.

Overall very good, great concept and character dialouge and interaction.

Keep it up ^_^

Offline Arilys DuskFlare

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2009, 12:42:04 PM »
I know Emopuppy, that's a big problem I have...
Anywho, here's...

Chapter Three: Everything is Lost...



Sounds of swords started to reach the two foxe's ears.
"Mommy, is daddy fighting?", Foxx asked, flattening his ears, afraid.
"... yes... so we can escape...", she said, looking back. Why did they have to be always running away?
Vera started to run again.
I have to find a place to hide., she thought. Some minutes later, she saw a small cave.
"There.", she said, getting in and sitting Foxx in a corner, "Foxx, I want you to stay here, I'm just going to get some leaves so we don't have to sleep in this hard floor, OK?", she said looking at him.
"Uh-huh.", Foxx murmured, nodding once.
Vera went outside and gathered a pile of leaves and walked back into the cave. She placed the leaves on the floor, making an improvised bed.
Foxx yawned and went near his mom. She took him in her arms.
"Are you sleepy?", she asked.
Foxx nodded, leaning against her. She smiled and laid over the leaves, hugging Foxx close. Foxx fell asleep some minutes later. Vera kissed his head softly and also fell asleep.
==========~~~~~~~~~~==========
Jonathan was panting, trying to stop his arm from bleeding; there were five soldiers left.
"You will not put your dirty paws on Vera and Foxx!", he said, then fell on his knees, panting.
"Looks like you're done for...", one of the soldiers told him, smirking and walking towards Jonathan.
Jonathan looked up and tried to stop the soldier's sword, but he was late; the soldier's sword had already pierced through his stomach. Jonathan coughed and looked at the bit of the sword that he could see.
"I'm sorry... Goodbye... Vera... Foxx...", he muttered, then his head bounced against his chest, his sword falling on the floor with a soft thump.
"Let's go after the other two.", the soldier ordered, taking his sword from the dead fox and picking up his sword, "We even got a new sword.", he said, smirking.
==========~~~~~~~~~~==========
Vera woke up startled and looked around.
"What's wrong, mommy?", Foxx asked, rubbing his eyes.
"N-nothing...", she said, then hugged Foxx.
Jonathan, please hurry..., she thought.
Some time later, she hears someone moving nearby.
"Mommy, is that...", Foxx started.
"Shhh.", she did, looking outside.
"Come on, they're near.", they heard.
Did they...?, Vera thought, scared.
"Hey, wait!... That fox was tough.", someone complained.
"Yeah, I know, but we took care of him, didn't we?", the first voice asked.
The truth hit Vera like a brick. Jonathan was...
"Yeah, we -- look over there!", the second one said suddenly.
Vera gulped.
One of the soldiers chuckled.
"Let's get them..."
"Mommy, I'm scared.", Foxx said, sobbing a little.
Vera hugged Foxx tight.
"We'll run away.", she told him, then slowly got out of the cave, hiding behind some bushes. She walked away a bit, then...
"You, go see if they're in the cave.", a soldier ordered.
"OK.", the other answered.
There were some seconds of silence.
"They were here.", he said.
"They can't be far. Spread out and look for them.", the soldier ordered.
Vera started to walk faster, but...
"Why, hello there.", a soldier said, behind them.
Vera felt the tip of his sword against her back.
"Now... will you come with us or will we have to kill you too?", he asked, grinning. Vera didn't answer.
Vera turned around, holding a small dagger and stabbed the soldier. He screamed in pain. Vera turned around and hid Foxx.
"Stay here.", she said.
"Mommy, no!", Foxx grabbed her, tears falling from his eyes.
"There! She's trying to hide the kit!", a soldier said, running towards them.
"You wont lay one finger on Foxx!", Vera yelled, turning around and standing in front of Foxx.
"Heh... you think you can kill us all?", the soldier asked.
Vera growled, making a small ball of fire on her paw.
"What the...?", the soldier looked at her, then started running, holding his sword above his head.
Vera threw the fire ball against the soldier. The ball hit the soldier on the chest and he fell on the floor, motionless.
"You want more?", she asked, looking at the other soldiers. They looked at each other, scared then looked behind them, at the soldier Vera stabbed before.
"So?", she pressured.
Two of the soldiers ran towards her. She threw a fire ball at them.
"One to go.", she said, looking around.
"MOMMY!", Foxx screamed, and started running towards her.
She turned around. The last soldier was after Foxx and was almost catching him.
"FOXX!", she yelled and started running. She caught Foxx and turned around.
She gasped as the sword cut through her.
"Heh...", the soldier said.
Foxx looked at his mother.
"M-mommy...", he said.
Suddenly, the soldier fell. Vera looked around, and saw someone with a cloak, his head covered by the hood.
"W-who are... you...", she asked.
"I'm running from the King too.", he said, then he walked behind Vera and took the sword from her, making her scream in pain.
"This is bad.", the hooded fur declared, then made Vera lay down.
Foxx kneeled at his mother's side, looking at her. The stranger started muttering some words.
"W-what are you doing?", Foxx asked.
"I'm trying to save her.", he answered.
It's no use..., he thought, then looked at Foxx, Poor fox...
Vera looked at the hooded fur.
"Please... take care of Foxx...", she asked, then looked at Foxx.
"Foxx... me and your dad always loved you... we didn't want this to happen... I'm sorry...", she said, then closed her eyes.
"Mommy?", Foxx said, "Mommy! No!", he started to shake her, "No, please!", he begged, tears rolling down his muzzle.
The hooded fur took off his hood. He was a young silver wolf.
"Foxx...", he started, "...it's no use...", he continued then took Foxx in his arms.
Foxx buried his muzzle on the Wolf's chest and cried.



 omg Ups, think I overdid it a bit..
« Last Edit: February 02, 2009, 01:03:31 PM by Foxx »
I are a Mewgia 8D Deal with the cute >83

Offline Vince the Dark

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Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2009, 12:49:40 PM »
 :'( So sad... You did a great job writing this chapter Foxx. It's brilliant.

Giruuuuuu!

Offline skatenjoe10

Re: The Young Hero
« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2009, 09:26:37 PM »
* SOBBING *

That Was So Sad  :'(

Amazing story Foxx, Keep it up!

 

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