Untitled (Until i figure out a title!)

[Gabag]

The APC rocked back and forth as it clambered up the rocky mountain road. It was headed north, for the pass leading into Bastovia. The soldiers inside... are just another squad of elite cannon fodder sent out into the field,  probably on a suicide mission of some sort, or they could be an elite combat unit of valuable troops sent to deal with a 'special' target. We're not really sure, but there was one soldier in particular that stood out from the rest, his name was Vince.. Vince Canten. Years of military service under his belt and he was attached to this squad of misfits. None of the troops knew where they were going, but they all put aside their nagging fears, except for Vince.. he was convinced something was going down, and he'd find out what.
"McKinley, why do you keep reloading that thing... There's no tango in this heap... What're you scared?" Bret joked on, watching McKinley constantly reload.
"Shut up Bret, you know the kid is nervous about his first assignment, First assignment you went on and you pissed yourself silly" said the Sarge.
"But sir I..."
"No buts, now sit down and shut up... McKinley, you ready for this son?"
The Private looked up, he was as green as it gets with raw recruits, but the look in his eyes said he was as ready as he'll ever be, no need to say it to the hardened SGT.
"Vince... what about you, don't tell me you've grown soft..."
"One can only hope sir... only can only hope"

    "And we can trust this little 'incident' goes unnoticed by the public eye" Said a man sitting at his desk. A glass of whiskey lay upon his desk, it had been quite awhile since he poured himself a glass and never drank it. The man was on a phone, lines set in his forehead as sweat ran down his face.
"I'm positive, You sent in the team I requested yes?" said a voice on the other line.
"Yes I sent Echo team.. just make sure they do their job and nothing else, I dont want an alert saying something hit the fan on this op.
"They'll get it done..."
"And if they fail...."
"Just send more teams until this whole thing gets buried"

[Chrono Blackwyng]

Sounds alot like two serious rps we have going on right now, the story is good as far as I'm concerned, but I think Asia is going to cover everything else, so I'll just leave it at that

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

That's right baby! Time for a writing MASTER to speak!

And yeah, I have quite a bit to say.

First off, I like it. I really do. You've got a great narrative voice; it's full of colour though it can verge into stereotype at times. But that can be dealt with after you've written a good bit more. The dialogue is natural  though again can verge into cliché at times. Just make sure their personality keeps shining through. Only let them say something if you know WHY they're saying it. Everyone has a reason to say what they say, even if it's incredibly minor and stupid. As long as that connection to their personality is there, then the dialogue will almost always work.

Your descriptions are short, precise and give all the information the reader needs. It feels alive. Though at least when people are outside, mention the weather. Is the mountain dusty and being roasted by the baking heat? or is it in the middle of a blizzard? That information really concretes the image. Also, little character descriptions like the whiskey not being drunk are brilliant. They're short, they're unobtrusive, and the shed so much light on the character without ever having to making a massive sign and shove it in the reader's face.

Speaking of the whiskey dude, the scene jump is abrupt, and you don't notice the scene change until the description kicks in again, but because the description bites straight away, the reader feels jolted, but I enjoyed the jolt because it didn't just leave me confused. It took me out of one place and placed me into another almost immediately, simply by saying "a man sitting at his desk." Desk = office = suit. The reader instantly gets an image in their head.

When you do dialogue, you seem to refrain from putting too many "he said," "she said," bits on the end and personally, I quite like that and I used to do it myself. However i would get criticised almost universally for it, because people wouldn't be able to follow who says what, especially when there's more than two characters. I found that problem creeping in with the soldiers in the APC, so be careful of that.

All in all though, you seem to know what you're doing and you know the characters and the environment you've crafted. Push yourself, push your strengths, push the ideas and situations as far as they will go. It's better to go all out and take a long time fixing problems than to never really try as hard as you could and create something mediocre.

Good job, you get my seal of approval.

[Gabag]

well dialogue has always been my weakpoint in nearly everything I wrote
I just can't seem to get it right ever, it disappoints

but the whiskey thing was just filler to be honest, character description happened to be there without my knowledge

and I take your seal of approval with pride
one note, whenever I do something and you criticize it, you tend to find things I see as coincidence.
like the character descriptions and the chair being emotional
(post merge)
5 hours ago
"Alright Private Sanders your going to be pulling **** patrol till your momma doesnt recognize you, NOW GO STAND IN FRONT OF THE HOLE IN THE WALL UNTIL OTHERWISE!"

"SIR, YES SIR!"
Private Sanders was a Bastovian soldier, currently apart of a detachment that secured an Enanarian facility in their territory. Tuning his radio to a special frequency, Sanders went on with the boredom that was standing guard, as the blizzard picked up, snow swirling around in little tornado.
"And now we have a special guest tonight folks, on the O' Mally show, tonight Private Sanders from our very own army will be speaking to us today.." said talk show host O' Mally
"Hello Bastovia... this is Sanders, well right now i'm serving our glorious armed forces to victor.... ok cutting the crap I got assigined to patrol duty outside this Enanarian base, and it's the worst job ever."
"Well Private why is patrol the worst job ever?"
"All I gotta do is walk back and forth... in a blizzard for crying out loud, and there's no one to even keep me company."
"Well Sanders I'm here for you..."
"Thanks O'Mally... that means a lot"
"Hey no problem buddy, hey I have a question... what else do you do besides patrol."
"Oh we break and enter into enemy bases and engage their forces"
"Really then...."
Present time
Suddenly the blizzard picked up and the radio signal was lost. Alone again, Sanders turned off his radio and pulled his scarf over his face for added warmth. Standing up and leaning up against a rocky outcrop and cupping his face in his hands.
"All I wanted to do in the military was have a cool job, y'know like breaking into top secret bases and stealing special information or killing high value targets." Sanders muttered to himself.. half to keep himself warm half to make noise to stop the icy silence.
"Well Well guess who got to live your dream!" Bret said with a matter o factly grin on his face. Sanders looked up and a feeling of shock overcame him, he wasnt scared, just surprised that someone snuck up on him living HIS dream.
Before Sanders could react to anything, Bret pulled out his silenced USP and shot him quickly in the head.
"What gives man?"
"That was for being an ass Bret... he may have been our enemy but no need to pull that kinda crap on him."
"Whatever man"

Vince led the team inside the base then stopped short... his lunch now rising up in his throat. The rest of the squad just looked around the room. McKinley actually threw up right then and there.
"Well it dont help to hide the smell...." Vince muttered.
The room they were in was a mess, papers, books, and the occasional computer monitor were scattered about on the ground, in pieces, and a dusty haze filled the room. That wasnt the problem, the problem was the obscene amount of blood dripping from the ceiling into the already large pool at the center of the room. Some soldiers were smashed through the wall, or desks. Others had no skin left to identify the bodies, they were just steaming skeletons. Strangely enough a vent on the ceiling was open.

"Guess those Stovies were gunned down by a crack security team..." Bret muttered.
"Impossible... no shell casings, no brass.... no shots were fired on these soldiers" Sarge replied.
"Whatever did this then killed a while squad of soldiers and painted this room a new shade of red, without bullets, is that what you're saying, if so then i think your a lunatic"
"Vince.. you saw some serious **** back in your glory days, don't tell me this shocks you.."
"No... lots of gore i'm used too... but soldiers being killed, and no bullets lying around... something's wrong here......."

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

This next part was really good. I love your ideas, your little tricks that you pull, especially Private Sanders. It's a lot like Star Wars, with its Red Squadron. A bunch of dudes who die quickly, but are remembered. Plus the fact that he's the opposition of the main characters is great.

There are problems though, but they're easily fixable. i made notes while reading:

NOW GO STAND IN FRONT OF THE HOLE IN THE WALL UNTIL OTHERWISE!"

uhh... what does that even mean?

Also, you have a habit of something happening first and then explaining it quite a bit later. For a good couple of lines these moments make no sense, until you start to piece it together. It's caused me to stumble quite a bit, trying to figure out the line I just read, failing, then finding the answer a few lines down. I think this happened 3 times:

Tuning his radio to a special frequency, Sanders went on with the boredom that was standing guard,

why is he tuning it to a special frequency?... oh he's talking to a radio station.

"Well Well guess who got to live your dream!" Bret said with a matter o factly grin on his face. Sanders looked up and a feeling of shock overcame him, he wasnt scared, just surprised that someone snuck up on him living HIS dream.
Before Sanders could react to anything, Bret pulled out his silenced USP and shot him quickly in the head.
"What gives man?"
"That was for being an ass Bret... he may have been our enemy but no need to pull that kinda crap on him."
"Whatever man"

what? this guy just got shot in the head, how is he  still talking?... oh it's not him it's some other guy called vince.

Vince led the team inside the base then stopped short... his lunch now rising up in his throat. The rest of the squad just looked around the room. McKinley actually threw up right then and there.
"Well it dont help to hide the smell...." Vince muttered.

What smell? why are they vomiting? is it because they just killed a guy? but they're trained soldiers... oh I see, the place is covered in bloody giblets.


All my compliments and criticisms of the previous post still apply, though Sanders went a long way to dispelling the spector of stereotype.
You do have to work on the order in which you reveal things. I think that's your main problem.

Either way, I'm excited to see what you'll do next.


oh yeah and dont say "strangely enough" if everything else is already out-right insane.

[Gabag]

ok gotta work on order of things happening, dialogue (still) and usage of words.
thinking of next chapter so please be patient

[Gabag]

(next Chapter)

"Come on Charlie, just a little bit more... we need to get the power on so we can get the automatic blast doors open!"
The man talking was Jimmy, a lab technician working at D.E.D. Laboratories. When they recruited him to work behind enemy lines he agreed, however a lab accident of this magnitude was way above his level of skill.
"Jimmy... I dunno about this, what if there are more of them!" Charlie hissed
Charlie was a security guard. A heavyset man who in the ensuing chaos helped himself to the smashed vending machines. After all it was good money to be made in those things, and if he got out he wanted to get out a rich man.
"Charlie now your just blowing **** out your ***, I told you we lost those things down by medbay..."
Jimmy waved his flashlight around, looking for a power box or something that could get the lights on. At last he found the master fuse box and hit the switch.
The scene before him was like something out of a movie. Row upon row of incubation pods were lined up. Inside eachwere a blurred shape, obscured by the large amount of dust on the glass of each incubation pod.
"Woah...... Looks like they havn't touched this stuff for ages!" Jimmy exclaimed.
"Uhh Jimmy I really have a bad feeling about this"
Jimmy, looked back, ready to reburke his fat greedy friend, when he realized it wasn't the pods he was referring to.
The two men didn't even get a chance to scream as their bodies were smashed across the room, little left to identify them as human.
(Back in the Main Lobby)

As soon as the troops went into the main lobby, the power was restored. However that activated the automatic security systems.
"Drop your weapons, you have 15 seconds to comply intruder!" The auto warning droned.
"Oh yea.. what're you gonna do?" Bret sneered
Automatic ceiling turrets unfolded out of their concealed positions and took aim, and blast doors slid shut over the doors.
"I'll do THAT you oh so proud human... Prepare,To join the others" The A.I. of the base said before the turret's six barrels started spinning.
"Vince, get a det charge on these doors NOW!" Sarge yelled before flipping over a table for protection. The turrets opened fire, quickly shredding shards of the table off with the weight of the onslaught.
Vince jumped up and slapped the det pack on the door, quickly typing in a 5 second timer before diving behind the safety of the metal table before the explosive went off.
"GO GO GO!"
The team sprinted out the 'new' door and stopped in what appeared to be a chemical testing lab. Beakers and clipboards were strewn about. The occupants must've gone off in a hurry, for some chemicals were still on the ground wet by their broken beakers.

"Radio contact with the lobby and the sentry outside have been lost.. try raising them again then radio in to command. Tell them this op went way over our heads" Said an Estovian sgt.
"What're we even here for sir?" asked one of the two other soldiers with him.
"Apparently we're looking for some scientists or some prototype weapon or something, whatever it is I dont care, I just want out of here."

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

good idea for the opening of this chapter. It's very cinematic, though Charlie and Jimmy are exactly the kinds of names that get killed in films. It's a bit too... conventional treading on stereotype. I like the order of things in their introduction, it works well and keeps things interesting.

The "(back to Main Lobby)" seriously has to go. It feels like you couldnt think of a better way to explain the scene change, but if you trust your audience like you did in the previous chapters, then without that bit, they'll still understand that it jumps to the marines. If they dont, you can just put in a quick description/scene setter.

The action works well, the AI seems a bit.... I think it could work I'll have to see more on that.

The ending was good, it works well to get the audience thinking about what will happen next.

[Gabag]

Striking first, Bret leaned out from the desk he was taking cover behind and shot the Estovian Sgt. in the head. Vince and Mckinely opened fire on the two privates, dispatching the trio relatively quickly.
"So the Estovians are after a scientist, and a prototype, ok new mission is to find and extract any survivng personnel and the prototype"
Said the Sarge.
"Sir found this on the officer type.. looks like some audio tape..." said Bret, tossing the tape to the Sarge, who caught it and hit play.

"Date. December 15th, 2009, Security officer Zachery Gates. Everything in this damnable facility has gone to hell. The scientists and researchers are paranoid, they think the Estovians are catching on to us here, and I still can't find Carmine. He went missing 5 days ago, wouldn't be surprised if he jumped ship. I tried to get a look see on what the scientists were doing but the Administrator went a little ballistic so I decided to take some time off while she cooled off. I'll be leaving this hellhole tomorrow and goin on the first plane to Honolulu. *Loud metal clanking is heard* "What the f*** was that?" *loud guttural animalistic roars are heard then metal being pierced.* "OH MY GOD!!! GET AWAY FROM ME, GET THE F*** AWAY!!! *pistol shots are heard and another roar, then a shriek from the good security officer as the recording ends*

Dropping the recorder right then and there, the squad looked at each other, , shocked and afraid that there is more then just Estovians here.
"Whatever is it it probably is wounded judging by the pistol shots." said Vince.
"Maybe we should bug out... I mean you saw what happened to the Stovies in the lobby." muttered Mckinley, his face pale from shock.
"Orders are orders, we gotta complete them no matter how hard this place hit the fan." grunted the Sarge who began to walk off.
"Sarge you can't be serious, I mean if the Stovies didn't kill that thing, it could still be in here!" cried Bret.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I like it, it's very Alien-esque. Nothing much to criticise with the actual story, the tape is a great plot device though maybe something more high-tech like an mp3 or something would make more sense.

Also, even if in a tape recording, don't switch from just closing quotes to closing quotes AND putting asterisks.

*Loud metal clanking is heard* "What the f*** was that?" *loud guttural animalistic roars are heard then metal being pierced.* "OH MY GOD!!! GET AWAY FROM ME, GET THE F*** AWAY!!! *pistol shots are heard and another roar, then a shriek from the good security officer as the recording ends*

There's no real discernible reason for it. oh yeah and you said "is/are heard" about three times in that one little section. mix it up.

Other than that though, this was good, it flowed well and the story is moving on nicely.

[Gabag]

"Dammit Bret, We've got a job to do and we're gonna do it!" yelled Sarge, a visible vein in his forehead showed he wasn't pissing around this time.

"Alright alright, geez chill out Sarge..." whimpered Bret, visibly defeated at the anger of his superior.

"Well if there's more Stovies they probably heard the shots fired so we gotta move!"
Said Vince, who checked the ammo readout on his assault rifle. The holographic readout that projected from the gun read a good 20 rounds left, enough for a small fight before a new clip was needed.

"Good idea, let's try and get this scientist and bug out!"

Suddenly metal creaked above them and the four snapped to, scanning for what made the noise. All went quiet and then each soldier cupped their hands around their ears. Metal was rent open, and a slavering monster of flesh and science burst from, the ventilation systems, screeching a sound that sounded like the scratching of a chalkboard.

"GET THE F*** OUTTA HERE!" Yelled McKinley as he bolted towards towards the mess hall. The other soldiers followed suit, with the monster trailing behind, it appeared to be unbalanced as it walked on it's four legs, two of them stumps, as it stumbled and smashed through walls and doors alike, it screeched in rage as it fought to stay in a straight line with it's prey, hunger overcoming whatever reason it had left.


"We lost contact with Sergent Dimitri and D squad... this place just keeps getting better and better" Captain Stukov sarcastically remarked from behind the makeshift barricade in the mess hall, to the other Estovian troopers. As soon as his team entered they were hit hard by the automatic defenses. Before the turrets turned their gaze on him, the power was shut off. The defenses the troops erected were in bad shape. Security guards threw themselves at it to dislodge the invaders, and each attack killed more men, men they couldn't afford to lose Medics were hard press and tried to ration what morphine they had, but it was never enough for the wounded, who kept crying out for them to stop the pain. He ordered anyone who could stand and pick up a gun to hold this barricade to his dying breath, and they obeyed with steely determination.
Taking the cigarette from his mouth and crushing it underneath his boot, the Captain walked towards a trio of soldiers.
"Figure out where D squad is and...."

He couldn't finished as the mess hall doors exploded inward and four Emmerian soldiers were running back, firing backwards at something the Captain couldn't see out of the smoke, he only saw flashes of throbbing red and flashes of steel, and then he saw it. If he still had a cigarette it would've fallen out of his mouth in disbelief.

"F*** Estovians are here already!" yelled Vince as he dove for a table as gunfire met his team and the lumbering freak of science.
The Sarge dived beside Vince, and Bret and McKinley burst open the doors to the kitchen.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

it's pretty good and has great visuals, though could use a rewrite. Words like "visible" dont need to be said. If it's visible, then show us.

also, "a monster of flesh and science" doesnt work. Just describe how it's a freak of scientific manipulation. remember, show dont tell.
oh yeah and "appearing to be unbalanced." If it appears unbalanced, then just say its gait was unbalanced. Its the same as saying "visible"

Anyway, I like the movement of the soldiers, different stories moving between and combining with eachother. It's good....

oh yeah and

a sound that sounded like

same word said twice.