The commission, work in progress

[KittKat chunky~]

H'okay, this is indeed from a rp that is still running, started by Spike... i was given permission to use the ideas and characters while doing the start to a short story for my GCSE in english....

I am however thinking of continuing this story.... this is my first attempt ever at continuing beyond a short story or rolpeplay style posts....

i have two chapters already finished.... so im gonna post the first chapter first, and any and all critiscisms will be much appreciated! 



((the blurb style thing first, this one done rather quickly, so a lot of critiscms are wanted to help sort it out  ))

1946 New York:
 For the city; every citizen, every dock worker, every gang member. Time is running out. Peace talks are failing, the commission is crumbling.
The three largest families have held a pact, an agreement that none should break, the commission is all that keeps together the rapidly booming New York. However, no agreement can hold forever.
 Mr. Gambino, an officer in the Lombardi family finds himself in the position of having destroying the work of hundreds of men and women with a single bullet.
The heart of a city is its docks, and this is very much the case with New York... The family by the name of the Romano’s control the income of huge steamers and cargo ships. However, when a murder directly affecting the Don of the family is discovered, the Romano’s decide drastic measures are required.
In a grim setting such as this, even New York’s finest are not beyond the influence of the families; The Marino’s have the contacts to get an insight into the newest murder, the perpetrator, the weapon, the consequences... this time it won’t be covered up.

Lombardi - Own and control the disposal of waste in New York. They run Brooklyn and like the other families, extort store owners for protection money, illegal gambling rings, contract killings and drug trafficking.


Marino - Own Little Italy and have numerous members inside law enforcement and also carry out the extortion of store owners for protection money and contract killings.


Romano - Control New Jersey and have ties in the business of money laundering. They work the harbours and are associated with pier thefts, human cargo, and illegal importing.



-----------------------------------

THE COMMISSION

Chapter 1~ 1946 New York City ~ Little Italy, outside the corner bakery:
The silence was broken by the sound of a pistol cocking. Alfredo and the stranger froze.   Mr. Gambino stood behind them in the dark, holding his gun to the back of the stranger’s head.
"I'm right here."   
 He pulled the trigger.
The gunshot echoed between the tall buildings and the flash from the muzzle lit up Alfredo’s face, as it was sprayed with crimson blood. The large body of the stranger crumpled to the floor.
"You okay Alfredo?" Gambino asked. His accomplice stood frozen.
"Yes." 
"Good. Help me get the body into my car."

Mr. Gambino:
Gambino was an officer in the Lombardi family, tall and dark haired. He was as inconspicuous as they came, wearing a pinstripe suit. This was offset with a white neckerchief and the slight bulge in his jacket suggested the constant presence of his slim pistol, a testimony to his line of work in of one of New York’s organised crime groups.
He had spent the day down beside the docks. The piers were Romano territory; however he hadn’t expected the large, dark suited stranger to pursue him all the way back into Little Italy. The city was swathed in darkness as he stopped the Ford in front of Alfredo’s bakery.
The stranger slid his dark Mercedes in-between two parked cars. No more than ten metres down the road, Mr. Gambino had sat in the idling car, waiting for the other to show his hand. Grinding a cigar between his teeth the tension mounted as the stranger made no move to approach. Gambino opened the car door and casually flicked the cigar onto the sidewalk, before approaching the front door of the bakery.




Alfredo:“We’re a' closed! Can’t you see the sign? Come back a’ tomorrow....” 
The small Italian baker stopped midsentence as he saw who was persistently knocking on his shop door.
“Mr. Gambino, why I had a’ no idea you were going to be calling in at such a’ late time.”
Closing the door behind his visitor Alfredo looked into his companion’s eyes.
“I feel something is a’ wrong?”
Gambino leant against a large rack of loaves of bread; the smell that normally would have enticed his nose was ignored as he hastily lit up another cigar from his inner jacket pocket.
“I’m being followed old friend. Large guy; Black Mercedes?”
Alfredo peered through the shop window down the street where the still idling car of the stranger sat in the heavy night smog.
“I see it Mr. Gambino”

Mr. Gambino:
Gambino opened and then closed the small side door of the bakery, stepping slowly down the dark, high walled alleyway. He stopped when he had reached the entrance to the street; Alfredo was closing the shop door with a large set of jangling keys. The stranger acted with the speed and ferocity of a lion.
“YOU THERE!”
Slamming the door of his sleek car the stranger leapt into action. In the matter of a heartbeat he had grabbed Alfredo by his messy apron and turned him face to face.
“Where is that man?”
Gambino walked silently down the sidewalk towards the pair.  Alfredo was putting on the act of a beleaguered baker, just as they had agreed.
“Really, I have no idea who you are a’ talking about...”
Gambino was right behind the pair, close enough to reach out and tap the stranger on the shoulder. The long barrelled pistol made no noise as it slid from his inner jacket pocket.
“Where is that man? The one who entered your bakery!”
The flash of cold steel cut through the low smog, and Gambino could see the expression of shock on Alfredo’s face as the stranger held the long blade to the baker’s throat.
The silence was broken by the sound of a pistol cocking. Alfredo and the stranger froze.   Mr. Gambino stood behind them in the dark, holding his gun to the back of the stranger’s head.
"I'm right here."

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Righto then, my eyes are at your disposal.

first off, lists almost always need an "and" on the last one. sometimes you can omit this but only if you really think it works well like that.

"The family by the name of the Romano's" could just be said as, "the Romano family"

In fact, I think the whole section could all fit perfectly well into the story. There's no need to put it anywhere.



Main tale:

I can see what you're doing here. It's kind of a mixture between a roleplay and a story, but there doesnt seem to be any reason to split up the paragraphs with names written bold. There would be no difference if you wrote it normally.
The time switch thing is an interesting thing to do, but to do it for such a small section doesnt work. We're supposed to wonder how things get to such an eventuality, but the first paragraph after it tells us all we need to know. Mobster getting followed to a bakery. stranger obviously is gonna end up assaulting the baker in some way, and mobster shoots stranger in head. The rest loses its interest because it's just telling us stuff that we know is gonna happen.

Finally, just a general problem I see cropping up is that you over explain things. This is something pretty much all writers have to deal with. Just strip all the unneeded stuff that doesnt give any new information, and it'll sound a thousand times better.

Oh and if you're gonna do accents, try to get some italian and new york dialect in there if you can.


as for good bits, I like the fact that you're taking risks and doing unconventional things, and I like the sense of atmosphere to it. It has a visual, almost filmic sense to it. It's good, it just needs some technical tweaks.

[KittKat chunky~]

thank ye very much.... everything youve said is helping immensly 

I can see what you're doing here. It's kind of a mixture between a roleplay and a story, but there doesnt seem to be any reason to split up the paragraphs with names written bold. There would be no difference if you wrote it normally.

i was trying that style out after reading "the time travelers wife" which was written in that way (however i think the sections where a lot longer, therefore it didnt slow the story down as much) .... i think i'l remove them, it was just an idea...



Anyway, thank you very much, im now working on tweaking what needs tweaking.



while im re-writing the first chapter, you wouldnt mind just reading through the second paragraph, that way i can tweak and change both of them one after the other?

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Well there's not much in the second paragraph that i havent already said, aside from the complete lack of any "he said/she said" which is really quite important. It pins it down so people have a concrete view of what's going on.

[KittKat chunky~]

sorry, i meant chapter (typo)


the second chapter:

Chapter 2~
1946 New York City~ Romano Dockside:

“KEEL HAUL!”

“SWING ER’ ROUND!”

The low groan of dockside cranes and lifting machinery supplied a low constant undertone to the shouts of Romano dock workers. Moving across the piers they worked like ants, heavy wooden crates were lifted from cargo holds and came crashing down onto wooden jetties and concrete piers. 

Large steel skinned ships loomed ominously over the scene, sea spray cascading down back into the dock waters where reflections of harbour lights glinted off the parting waves with the same sheen as a knife blade. Low fog clung to the dock like an opaque blanket and gave the whole a scene an ethereal demeanour. Eddies and currents swirling like mad ballet dancers around the workers’ feet as their heavy boots tramped along the slick, sea sprayed piers.

Beams of coruscating light pierced the low fog. Bright swords of white light danced across the piers into the murky waters, setting everything in deep contrast of stark white and pitch dark shadow. From his third storey office the Romano Don watched the activities of the docks with only a mild interest. His attention was almost entirely directed to the line of three Romano officers standing in front of his desk. All frantically looking anywhere but into his steely, unyielding eyes.

“Where the hell is that idiotic son of mine?”

The officers, all young, with expressions of abject terror on their faces, made noncommittal noises staring around the large, shadowy, oak panelled office. The mahogany table had a deep sage green covering and exuded wealth. The large, brutal-faced man in front of them stared back. A thick cigar ground between his teeth as a deep red flush spread up his neck, the three officers spluttering, not daring to move.

“E’ was last seen followin’ a snoop on the docks, sah!”

The officer who had suddenly blurted out the information stared at a point in the medium distance over the don’s shoulder. A bead of sweat ran down his forehead as Mr. J Romano stood.

“Following a spy? Yes, that sounds like my son alright. Idiot that he is. You sir, are promoted, head officer! And make sure you don’t fail as badly as the last one did.”
He chuckled, apparently reminiscing upon some memory...

“Oh no... He did die painfully now didn’t he.”

Stubbing out the cigar he nodded to the newly appointed head officer. The young lad reached into his dark jacket, pulling out a chunky revolver. He fired twice, emptying the chamber into the men’s heads, Square between the eyes.

The bodies were hurled across the room from the force of the high calibre bullets. Mr. J Romano chuckled manically, a twitch below one eye giving him the appearance of a large, demented walrus.

“Sleeping with the fishes.”