The Story Improv Game

[Gabag]

Make your own story improv and get rated with a number between 1 - 10 from the next people to post
(1 being amazing, 10 being eyes bleeding)
A Legitimate reason must be provided as to the rating, no not liking it cause it aint got furries, actually criticize something the author could use to improve on!
P.S. make a line to separate ratings from story, otherwise we'll criticize that too


The rain falls. Words forming in the sky. Falling to the ground and vanishing. Pitter Patter Pitter Patter. The words go away but form again. Don't you see? The water forms the words. There and gone again, but it comes back, there and gone, there and gone. The cycle repeats.
(not really much but fleh)

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

3: Great idea, clumsy execution particularly on the latter sentences. It kinda stumbles over itself.



Cynnyi lifted her hood back, staring upwards into the rain, letting it fall onto her oversized eyes. She didnt blink, but merely let the drops slip down the sides, down her blue furry cheeks like freshwater tears. Her ears twitched as she listened to the patter.
"See anything?" Cherry, her personal assistant asked in her transparent raincoat, gripping a folder with shivering hands.
"A line, a path upwards, to the sky, to space." Cynnyi's voice was soft, and light , yet filled with tone and deep rich blues; like a wet leaf.
"Shall I get a rocket?" Cherry asked, Cynnyi nodded.

[Drako2k0]

((Question, are we supposed to continue on from the previous post? or just completely start anew every single time? I'm going to start anew for my post, until I get an answer))

3: "filled with tone and deep rich blues; like a wet leaf" Not making the connection how the deep rich blues and wet leaf emphasize the tone. What emotion does the wet leaf symbolize? Melancholy? serenity? Maybe she's reminiscing?



 Fenrir was polishing his sword when a distant clamor attracted his attention. He looked up to see his buddy Roland approaching. "Fenrir!" Roland called, "What's taking so long? we need to get to the mess hall before all the good food is claimed." Fenrir placed his sword on its stand by his bunk.
"Alright Roland I'm coming." He stood up, "Any news on the war front? How are we doing?" his ears twitched as he walked along side Roland, waiting for an answer. Glancing at his buddy from the corner of his eyes, though, Fenrir had a sinking feeling the news wasn't going to be good.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

3: "filled with tone and deep rich blues; like a wet leaf" Not making the connection how the deep rich blues and wet leaf emphasize the tone. What emotion does the wet leaf symbolize? Melancholy? serenity? Maybe she's reminiscing?

Well, the whole line is "soft, and light , yet filled with tone and deep rich blues; like a wet leaf." I often do metaphors that travel mostly through touch, and a normal leaf is soft and light, but when it's wet, it becomes darker, richer. Plus, It has extra weight to it. The blue is from the leaf darkening from being wet. It's an obscure metaphor, but interesting. Oh and it's nothing to do with how she feels but mostly about the presence she has. It's a subconscious thing for her.


Now for yours: 5: Maybe my decision is coloured by me not being a fan of that kind of medieval tale, maybe not. Mostly i said 5 because the setting is clearly set out, and all the information is there but it's said in a very rigid manner. It doesn't feel like real people are talking, partly because of the dialect (one reason why i don't like that kind of medieval tale) but mostly it was coloured by, "Alright Roland I'm coming." He already knows it's Roland and already has his attention. Most people wouldn't say Roland's name in that situation. You do it in the narration as well. "Roland approaching. "Fenrir!" Roland called," Well of course Roland said "Fenrir!" It's not gonna be anyone else. I think character is the main problem though since you push information through their dialogue, and that's what you're supposed to do really. Dialogue is great for giving information, but it needs to feel fluid, giving the illusion of being a real conversation. They were on the subject of going to the mess hall to get good food and then jumped to the war. This is fine as long as the jump is explained, but there is no explanation... I did find it enjoyable though, which is saying a lot since as i said before, I don't like the genre. It's very clear, and that's important. So yeah, 5.


(Also, I don't know if we start new or carry on from before either, so i slightly connected mine to gabag's but leaving enough space to drive my own narrative, which I'll continue)


Cherry trudged back in her wellies, through the wet grass and mud towards a barn that glowed from a lamp inside. The rain clattered against it's roof of corrugated iron, and a lone sheep wandered about inside. It bleated as she walked in, putting the folder to the side, her raincoat folding and creasing around her. Beneath it the lamp showed a dark blouse, opened to a white t-shirt. Black skirt and striped leggings below, the latter of which was being swallowed by the wellies. There were haybales and long wooden boxes all around, and Cherry looked around, searching for one in particular. She peered past one of the haybales and found what she was looking for. Another wooden box, except it had a sticker on it from the WhizzBang Toy Company. They specialised in rockets and sure enough one was inside. It was about a foot tall and she held it under her arm; her folder in her other hand. She looked at the sheep, and it bleated at her, almost saying goodbye, and with it, she faced the rain again.

[Drako2k0]

Ya I tend to have that problem, stating the obvious several times. For me, I'm a very visual person so I can see the story, but I do have difficulties putting it into words sometimes. and ya my favorite genre has always been medieval fantasy. Also sure the topic would jump, the mess hall was Roland getting Fenrir to move his butt, but it wasn't the conversation itself. and if you look at real life, when you're walking from A to B people always start conversations based on an important event in their life, and rarely does that include anything of relevance to Location B. But rather while Roland's concern is getting tthe food on time, obviously Fenrir has other things on his mind to which he wanted answered. Also i was setting up that the story begins during a time of war.

2: Getting better, I'm thoroughly interested in the story, which is a first for me as I'm guessing the setting is more modern. Minor spelling problem: specialised should be specialized. Again I'm a bit confused though, a toy company specializing in one product... for one, as toy companies usually build toys known to be popular with kids so that they'd sell. Reason 2 is more of curiosity, so you may or may not ignore this one, your choice, but the rockets you're talking about, so far the story has me assuming these are some special rockets, not exactly regular toy rockets. Unless of course it's not REALLY a toy company, which(since the story is told in a third person style) is important info for the reader to know. ... And lastly, is the rain jacket not zipped and/or buttoned up? cause if it's raining and knowing she's wearing one everyone would assumed it is, in which case how would the lamp light up the clothes underneath?

Now to continue mine.

Roland looked away as they walked, letting the silence hang for a moment before answering. "I don't know much of anything that goes on, but as far as I DO know, you and I are going to see some action before this ends. Honestly, I don't want to fight, I hear they're ten feet tall! and built like a bull!" He motioned with his hands to emphasize his words. They turned a corner and arrived at the mess hall. It was a large room, with three rows of five tables. Each table was able to sit up to half a dozen people. The room itself was made of stone, the walls decorated with their kingdom's Standard; a blue and red checkerboard pattern behind the golden head of an eagle with a single emerald as it's eye. The hall was crowded with other soldiers, some half-armored, others in their common attire.

Roland nudged Fenrir with his elbow, "Come on, looks like we're having stew today, and it smells delicious." Fenrir followed him, looking around. Everyone looked ready for battle, with solemn expressions stretched across their faces, but it was not what they showed that he noticed. He sniffed the air, and beyond the appetizing aroma of beef and vegetables, there was fear hanging over the hall like an ominous cloud.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Also sure the topic would jump, the mess hall was Roland getting Fenrir to move his butt, but it wasn't the conversation itself. and if you look at real life, when you're walking from A to B people always start conversations based on an important event in their life, and rarely does that include anything of relevance to Location B. But rather while Roland's concern is getting tthe food on time, obviously Fenrir has other things on his mind to which he wanted answered.

True, but normally is initially indicated by their expression, or at least something physically indicating that their mind is focused elsewhere.

2: Getting better, I'm thoroughly interested in the story, which is a first for me as I'm guessing the setting is more modern.

Why thankyou.

Minor spelling problem: specialised should be specialized.

Actually, either is acceptable, though some would say it depends on where in the world you are. Most people would think that the s is British while the z is American, but traditionally it's the other way round.... so I just choose anything.

Again I'm a bit confused though, a toy company specializing in one product... for one, as toy companies usually build toys known to be popular with kids so that they'd sell.

Actually there are a few that specialiszszse in various rocketry. I didn't say they only did one toy, just that they mostly did rockets.

Reason 2 is more of curiosity, so you may or may not ignore this one, your choice, but the rockets you're talking about, so far the story has me assuming these are some special rockets, not exactly regular toy rockets. Unless of course it's not REALLY a toy company, which(since the story is told in a third person style) is important info for the reader to know.

That gets explained in this next bit.

And lastly, is the rain jacket not zipped and/or buttoned up? cause if it's raining and knowing she's wearing one everyone would assumed it is, in which case how would the lamp light up the clothes underneath?

The first paragraph shows that it's one of those transparent plastic ones, and since this is improv, I thought it might trip my flow if i checked... and cus I couldn't be bothered. I'll check now... no, yeah they're just called raincoats.


Your story:
4: Getting better, things move a little more naturally, people say things that make sense, and I like the way you introduced the fear of war through the dialogue before you revealed the mass of fearful soldiers. Also, I like the images you give. They're obviously not poetically delivered, but the visual itself is more than enough to keep me interested. Not much more to say that I didn't say before.




Now my story:


Cherry jogged through the rain and the mud, letting the dirt flick up onto her wellies, reaching Cynnyi's side with the rocket in her arm. She passed it over and Cynnyi turned it upside down, examining the base before pressing a hand to it. Between her fingers a faint glow could be seen.
She turned to her PA, "Volatility Multiplication, Level 4," she said, as Cherry flipped open her folder and pulled out a pen, quickly scratching a mark before the rain completely ruined the paper. The folder closed around the paper, encasing them and diverting most of the water. Cynnyi reached into a pocket of her dark hooded cloak, pulling out a small pile of crystalline granules, glimmering in her paw. With a flick of the wrist, the granules reached out as a string of energy, adhering to the nose of the rocket. Crouching to the earth, she settled the base into the mud before clapping her hands together next to the blue glow she had left upon it. She stood back up and gripped the string, while opening her arms for Cherry to hold tightly to her. There was a second of pause, then rocket shot up in a blaze, pulling the two women with it.

[KittKat chunky~]

:2or3?

sorry im not great at critisizing work but hey i'l have a go...

good use of language, metaphors, etc and all those other writing techniques... you explain everything, however you do not 'overexplain' making things too long or drawn out for the reader, you provide the right balance of information so the reader knows whats going on, but it still reads quickly and flows...
You use imagery well in your explanations and all in all it is a good section of a larger story...

well that was my attempt to rate it 


okay heres mine.... pulled from a story im (rather inexpertly) writing:



Beams of coruscating light pierced the low fog. Bright swords of white light danced across the piers into the murky waters, setting everything in deep contrast of stark white and pitch dark shadow. From his third storey office the Romano Don watched the activities of the docks with only a mild interest. His attention was almost entirely directed to the line of three Romano officers standing in front of his desk. All frantically looking anywhere but into his steely, unyielding eyes.

“Where the hell is that idiotic son of mine?”

The officers, all young, with expressions of abject terror on their faces, made noncommittal noises staring around the large, shadowy, oak panelled office. The mahogany table had a deep sage green covering and exuded wealth. The large, brutal-faced man in front of them stared back. A thick cigar ground between his teeth as a deep red flush spread up his neck, the three officers spluttering, not daring to move.

“E’ was last seen followin’ a snoop on the docks, sah!”

The officer who had suddenly blurted out the information stared at a point in the medium distance over the don’s shoulder. A bead of sweat ran down his forehead as Mr. J Romano stood.


“Following a spy? Yes, that sounds like my son alright. Idiot that he is. You sir, are promoted, head officer! And make sure you don’t fail as badly as the last one did.”
He chuckled, apparently reminiscing upon some memory...

“Oh no... He did die painfully now didn’t he.”

Stubbing out the cigar he nodded to the newly appointed head officer. The young lad reached into his dark jacket, pulling out a chunky revolver. He fired twice, emptying the chamber into the men’s heads, Square between the eyes.

The bodies were hurled across the room from the force of the high calibre bullets. Mr. J Romano chuckled manically, a twitch below one eye giving him the appearance of a large, demented walrus.

“Sleeping with the fishes.”

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

6-7: The issue I find is the balance between saying enough information, while not overstating the obvious. You do both, sometimes you hammer home something that doesn't need to be hammered home

make sure you don’t fail as badly as the last one did.”
He chuckled, apparently reminiscing upon some memory...

“Oh no... He did die painfully now didn’t he.”

That last line doesn't need to be said.

and sometimes you say a tiny bit too little

Stubbing out the cigar he nodded to the newly appointed head officer. The young lad reached into his dark jacket, pulling out a chunky revolver. He fired twice, emptying the chamber into the men’s heads, Square between the eyes.

In my opinion not much is said to indicate to the head officer what the nod would mean, but then some would say that in that kind of organisation it would make sense. I dotn agree, but then I'm just one man on a mission to change the world.

I do like the dialect and the description is imaginative though feels slightly clumsy, but only slightly.
I think the best bit is the dialogue, very strong and clear. There's good characterisation in that.


oh yeah and you repeat some words in close proximity sometimes. Generally that needs fixing.

Beams of coruscating light pierced the low fog. Bright swords of white light danced across the piers into the murky waters, setting everything in deep contrast of stark white and pitch dark shadow.

Read that aloud and see what you think.





Oh and thanks for your criticism of my story

Now my tail continues!


The rocket shot through the sky, tearing it open, finding outer space. Cynnyi's deep wide blue eyes welcomed the energies around her and her assistant, watching a line in the darkness speed towards her. It was a tube, a corridor of iridescant energy, catching the rocket just as the fuel cut out, pulling them along. They hurtled along, pulled by the current in the stream of light. Letting go of the thread that connected to the rocket, she closed her arms around Cherry, who had shut her eyes tight, clamped to Cynnyi for dear life. The stars drew closer and closer and the darkness began to bend, twist, curl until it faded into white.

[Drako2k0]

2/10 Mainly because I don't like giving out 1s until I know the whole theme of the story. Other than that I am very interested and can't wait for more. Although, I'm curious to what your rule on space is in this story, is it somehow breathable?


Now for mine:

Fenrir dropped his fork onto his plate with a clatter, and leaned back in his chair; patting his stomach approvingly. He looked to his friend, who seemed to be eating at a slower pace. "You're a slow eater, ya know that?" he teased. Roland swallowed his food before laughing. "Hah, my friend, not all of us enjoy the luxury of a maw such as yours. You have it easy, being able to run, and jump twice as far as the rest of us; not to mention having superior hearing and a sense of smell." Fenrir chuckled, "Maybe so, but it wasn't always this easy for me. You remember, it was you what helped me get into the army in the first place." Roland grinned, and went back to his food. Fenrir stood up, and gave his friend a pat on the shoulder, "I'm going to head to my bunk, maybe take a nap before I go on guard duty." Roland gave a muffled reply as he turned to leave.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

4
Is definitely made better, it feels a lot more natural though the dialogue feels a bit stilted as though you're just blurting out all the information you can. What it needs is more physical descriptions of body language and facial expressions. Oh and I do think it needs to move a bit faster in the next few posts. I'm hoping that something big is gonna happen.



Now for mine:

The Whiteness faded away, dissipated into mist, into nothing, leaving only bright green grass beneath their feet and a starry sky above. Cynnyi let go off Cherry, who continued to hold on, practically choking on her breath and sweating profusely. The dog, Cynnyi, grabbed her friend's arms and struggled to pull them off her, eventually succeeding leaving Cherry to fall to the floor, feeling the grass between her fingers. Cynnyi kneeled to her side and licked her face.

Suddenly the door opened and eight armoured and helmet covered soldiers filed in, cocking weapons and aiming down at the two women. Their helmets curved high upwards meeting at a point a good foot above their shoulders.
"Stop where you are. Identify yourself."




(Yeah the science in my story is being made up along the way. Everything is. I have no idea what is going on I always expected the breathing to be explained later though. At the time I sent them to sent them to space though, I didn't know how to explain it )

[Drako2k0]

3/10

dissipated into mist, into nothing

Suddenly the door opened and eight armoured and helmet covered soldiers filed in

- Usually It's assumed that when you point out that the soldiers are armored, that includes a helmet, and when you describe the helmets later it reinforces that assumption, so you didn't need the "helmet covered" part.

cocking their weapons

Continuing mine -

 "Fenrir, halt a momemt!" A voice called. He stopped in the hallway, and turned to see who had called to him. A stocky fellow wearing a leather tunic and the castle tabard jaunted up to him, breathing like he just finished a morning drill. "Squire Harold, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Fenrir stood at attention and put his fist to his chest in a salute, to which Harold returned.

 "Fenrir, I have a message from the lord, he wishes you to investigate something before your shift." Fenrir raised an eyebrow as he listened, but remained silent to allow the squire to finish. "Two hours ago, Sir Higgins spotted movement just beyond the tree line at the southern gate. When he went to investigate, he was attacked. Of course, Higgins easily countered the attack, and drove the man back into the woods, but not before suffering from a scratch." Harold motioned Fenrir to follow him, and as they walked down the hall, he continued.

 "At first, the scratch was nothing but an afterthought...That is, until he collapsed into a fever. We've had our clerics check him out, and they're convinced that there's dark magick afoot. Now, Higgins lies in the hospital ward, in a state of delirium. He speaks in riddles, and we're sure that he's trying to tell us what he knows of this affliction. However, we did decipher one thing..." Harold trailed off suddenly.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

dissipated into mist, into nothing

into mist, then into nothing

- Usually It's assumed that when you point out that the soldiers are armored, that includes a helmet, and when you describe the helmets later it reinforces that assumption, so you didn't need the "helmet covered" part.

good point, I should really read through these before I post them.


Your story, 3

Going well, I can see where it's going but I wont make any predictions just yet. But yeah i like where this is leading.

oh yeah, one thing:

"Fenrir, halt a momemt!" A voice called. He stopped in the hallway, and turned to see who had called to him. A stocky fellow wearing a leather tunic and the castle tabard jaunted up to him, breathing like he just finished a morning drill. "Squire Harold, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

when another character speaks, a new line is made.




MY TURN!

"My name is Cynnyi, this is Cherry. She's my friend." The blue dog looked around. There were walls surrounding them, steel walls around the greenest field.
Cherry put her hand up and struggled to her feet, "I'm her personal assistant, any questions come through me. We represent a group known as inward and are working for the interests of Earth." The guards looked to eachother before the lead stepped forward.
"You're coming with us to quarantine for now and will be questioned there." They spread to make a path to the door. "Come on, this way." Cynnyi led the way, Cherry keeping close behind. The door led to an elevator, small and circular, the women stood opposite the door while the guards filled the space, guns aimed. There were no buttons, but after a second or so, the lift began to move downwards, steadily accelerating until, without order it slowed to a stop. Doors opened to show a small, pale room, with a window that spanned the left wall. The guards walked out of the lift with the visitors following them. "Stay here." The lead said, before he and his people walked back into the elevator, doors closing. A distinctive hiss could be heard inside, before a hum signified the elevator moving away.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

7
Colour me confused, a ton of characters and information just thrown at the reader, including those two guys at the end who have apparently replaced the two women or are completely unrelated and just jumped into the narrative. Also the words used are clumsy "Stategem" sounds odd, doesn't work for me. "Illuminate" is an odd word to use, why not ventilate or ignite or something like that. Illuminate either sounds like you're gonna just talk to them or that they'll have light bulbs shoved into their ears. Also, I know this is a typical thing that evil characters do, but why not just shoot them there and then? Why make them walk to some arbitrary corridor? It's all over the place and I am lost. I've seen a lot better from you before now so I'm not criticising your ability, just this little section.

As for expanding on it, I've barely a clue as to what's going on so I'll stick to what I was gonna do.



Through the wall sized window, a clean, bright, sterile room. Worktops lined the walls, covered in various technology, covered in lights and steel. A tray held clinical tools, forceps, tweezers, scalpels, and to the left of it, a large screen. To a wall, on the right, a door opened presenting a trio of aliens, two of which were wrapped head to toe in green cloth, tight to their bodies. The other was another guard, though his armour was bulkier at the forearms, and an oval was emblazoned upon his chest. It was blue, and shifting, pulling, twisting in a vortex. All three wore those same helmets as the guards, though those on the green cloth bound ones were wider, shorter. The visors reached all the way around.

Cherry turned to Cynnyi, "Hey, do you know where we are?" Cynnyi shook her head. "So it was just a feeling?"
"I saw the line, the path," she replied.
"The path to the ultimate peace?" Cynnyi nodded as an answer. "And this was the destination?" Now she shook her head again.
"A waypoint," she said.
"How do you know?" Cherry asked.
"The greeting."

There was a knock on the window by one of the green ones.
"Greetings, aliens. Do you have names?" The voice was male and hideously patronising, like he was talking to a plant.
"My name is Cynnyi Zaronno-Rrayath," the dog replied, before gesturing to Cherry. "This is my friend, Cherry."
"Cherry Rehman, her personal assistant," the human said. "We represent a group known as Inward and are working for the interests of Earth." The alien nodded. the other green clad one was shorter than the first, full of curves, distinctly female, though with two sets of breasts. That's how it appeared at least, under the cloth. She moved around the room, opening cupboards, setting up a device, before pulling out a pair of thick gloves, slipping them on.
The male spoke again, "Well, you know how to stick to a story, so that's good. Now, don't be alarmed, we're just gonna take a quick sample of hair from you both. The corner of the room the women were in, slid open, and from it crawled a razor sharp claw with a pouch hanging on a robotic arm, reaching out towards them. The alien female moved to match it, to control it with the gloves. Cynnyi looked up, stared at it, wide eyed and shying away.
"Cynnyi, you OK?," Cherry said.
"It's nothing to worry about," the male alien spoke up, "It's just a little trim."
"Yeah this isn't gonna work," Cherry warned as the claw reached over to the top of Cynnyi's head, snipping shut. The female alien yelped and pulled off the gloves as the claw fell as shimmering blue particles.

[Gabag]

I decided to remove my crappy story, as critics say it is

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

oh come on. You should wear every success and failure on your sleeves. It's an improv thread for a reason. Plus, I've got to be the harshest critic on the forum by far