I'm just gonna insert quotes the old-fashioned way:
"I'm a sub, dom, babyfur, virgin, perv, horn-dog, furry, gay guy, smart guy, idiot, the creep, the funny guy, the guy with the problems"
[/size]That's quite a few identities to take on... I think a good way to deal with that is to think about which of those identities are of your own creation, and which ones come from others' expectations of you. Think of it like different outfits. You've picked out some of these outfits yourself. But other people have handed you certain outfits, so you may feel pressured to wear them around those people.Here's what I think about them: sub, dom, babyfur, furry, gay guy, smart guy, and funny guy all sound like outfits you've picked out. You've chosen to express yourself as those things in some way, whether it being open about being a babyfur online, or openly expressing your sexuality in real life. But things like "idiot," and "creep," and "perv" don't sound like outfits you've picked out. Rather, they sound like labels other people may have given you.Just because people have dubbed you a creep or an idiot or a perv, doesn't mean you have to act that way. You don't need to appease them. So think about which identities you've chosen, and which ones you may feel pressured to take on. If you have to, write down a pair of lists that reflect those identities (perhaps in your dad's notebook?). That way you'll have them physically in front of you. Then, pick out the ones you want to keep—the ones you've chosen for yourself that you want to continue to express. And keep them. For all the ones that seem like they may come from other people's expectations of you, give yourself permission to leave them behind. You don't need to take on those identities anymore.I know that you want somebody else to come and fix you. It's gonna be hard to accept what I'm about to tell you, but you need to realize that the only person who can fix anything in your life is you. To quote Blink-182, "work sucks / I know." But sometimes you just need to pick yourself up and get to work if you want to see any sort of change in your life. The important thing is to take control. Life is all about choice. You have to choose to improve yourself, and choose who you want to be. There's an existential expression that goes something like, "in not choosing, you have still made your choice." This is illustrated particularly well by a short story by Albert Camus, titled, "The Guest."
It takes place in Algeria, at a school atop a hill. Daru, the teacher, is the only one there, because all the students have stayed home because of a blizzard. Another character, a policeman named Balducci, leads an Arab prisoner to Daru's school, telling Daru that he is to take the prisoner to the police station in a nearby town the next day. After giving the Arab food and shelter for the night, Daru prepares to carry out his duty. He knows that he doesn't want to turn the Arab in. There's a road nearby that leads to a settlement of nomads, where the Arab can likely evade the authorities and live. However, Daru will undoubtedly be punished if he sets the Arab free. So instead, Daru walks the Arab to the point where the roads diverge; one to the town where the Arab will likely meet his death, and the other to the nomads. Daru then gives the Arab some money and tells him where each road leads, turning to go back to his school and leaving the choice in the hands of the Arab. During the walk back, he looks and sees the Arab heading to the town, undoubtedly to turn himself in. When Daru arrives back at his school, however, he finds a message written on his chalkboard: "You have turned in our brother. Now you will pay."The moral is that if you don't choose for yourself, other people are going to choose your fate for you. That means that, as painful as it may be to hear, you're going to have to take a more active role when it comes to self-improvement.You may not know what you want right now, but that will become clear as time goes on. You'll be ok.
