As a younger teenager I developed a hateful mind. I was an angry person in junior high and high school. I looked younger than I was and I was treated like a small child... In middle school, my peers were very condescending to me. They were sarcastic, they treated me like **censor** scum... I was sexually harassed in junior high, other guys, mainly hispanic, ( this will be important later ) would say obscene things to me, and one even grabbed my genitals in the locker room... After this, I was angry at everyone. Around this time, there were protests by illegal immigrants demanding amnesty, and ultra left extremists supporting them, and saying that white people have no right to be in America... I was building up rage inside, and I remembered how I was treated in middle school, and I began to hate them.... I was full of anger, I got into high school, and I went to a christian school from grade 9 and up. I was put on different medications, and my grades slipped after 7th grade, when I was put on luvox. it made me so foggy and almost stoned. My grades went from straight "A: in 6th and 7th grade to "C's" and "D's", and some "F's" from 8th grade through the rest of High School. Soon, my anger turned to Muslims. Hearing about mass immigration into Europe and nut jobs like Anjem Choudhary in the UK. I fell into worry about Muslims becoming the majority in Europe, even though second generation, European born muslims hold the same fertility rates as native Europeans. I started reading the Quran, and read some very violent passages and my hate continued, even though most Muslims just want to live their lives like everyone else..... Towards the end of high school, Senior year, the Trayvon Martin incident occurred, and seeing people protest and loot like a bunch of idiots caused me to have anger and hatred towards blacks. Then, after I graduated, the Michael Brown incident happened, and seeing all these idiots loot and protest, and celebrities and "civil rights" leaders stir the pot even more, over a criminal that got shot for attacking a police officer, I became more angry that I had ever been in my life. These thoughts caused me to be depressed and anxious all the time. In my everyday interactions, I did not feel any racist feelings towards anyone. I would come across very nice black and hispanic people and go home conflicted. I had joined online forums for white power extremists and right wing extremists. I just got angrier and angrier, and more depressed because I realized that I'm gay, and you know how these people feel about gays.... I have since then stopped going on these forums, but my mind won't let go of these feelings. My mind works by stereotyping, even though it seems that black youth are influenced by their peers and culture, not because they're black... Black mothers are raising their children to stay away from gangs, but its their peers...
I really really really want to let go of the hate from my past but it won't go away... This hatred has made me angry in every other corner of my life, It has been stressful on my family. I feel so guilty and I used to punish myself by striking myself and cutting, in places where nobody can see... It always made me feel better... Really, I don't know how to get rid of the hate. Some of the nicest people I know are black and hispanic, and don't know about my online forum activities and my internal struggles...
