I won't be responding to any replies on this post. I don't need advice, and I'm not sure I really even need emotional support. I need somebody to give a **censor**. I am in a very lonely place right now; I need a "meat space" friend.
Also, this is directed at the group as a collective whole. The few people who have actually gone out of their way to talk to me, whether on telegram or (pinch me I'm dreaming) in person, are exempt. We are, figuratively speaking, not the same people individually as we are in the group. Our priorities and behavior change according to our surroundings. I'm not going to spend any more energy trying to persuade you to be more welcoming to me. You have to come show me that individual people, not people as part of groups, matter to you.
I keep returning to the local furry group, full well knowing how it's going to go, and I leave in tears. I did vent to a few online friends, but then I just
had to do the bold thing and try to get an oblivious group member to understand. The hilight of that conversation was, "I'm sorry
you feel that way, but nobody
intends to treat you like that." Wow. You sure are desperate to protect your opinion of the group.
My group is the most unfriendly, cliquish, collectivest group of people (not furries, people) that I've ever met. No other group has been so protective of their collective ego than this. No other group has been so oblivious to the people who don't fit in. No other group has put forth so little effort to show openness to newcomers. All that really seems to matter is whether or not you're in the god damned telegram group. Nobody is interested in knowing you on a personal level. Nobody is interested in talking about anything real. Nobody is going to go out of their way to send a **censor** "Are you feeling okay?" message to individual members.
To anyone who reads this and gets angry, what you'll probably do is try to find hypocrisy in how I feel. You'll call me judgmental, you'll accuse me of being just as unwelcoming, and you'll say I only care about people in groups. Yes, I am judging the group
based on its actions towards me. Now, one thing none of you understands is that, as the guy who has never met any of you, I'm at a disadvantage. I don't have a clue what to talk about, how you guys process social cues, what you expect out of one another. It seems to be a total free-for-all, and that's beyond my ability to keep up with.
As for being unwelcoming, one thing that I insist you understand about me is that my idea of welcoming is a natural but active investment in another person. Now, I did ask questions of some of you. You did
not return the favor. That, to my thinking, is cliquish. I get the sense that you're completely indifferent to any of my efforts to be friendly, and that is completely demoralizing. There is no incentive to keep trying when all I get in response is a one sentence answer and then you go back to your phone and talk to somebody more interesting. To try to get your attention would be a total waste of time.
This is coming from a place of pain. You can call it an attack if you want, I don't even care what you say about it. I care about whether your ultimate response is to come and talk to me or defend the group. I'm honestly not interested in debating this; most of it is subjective and opinionated, but the fact remains that precious few of you actually bothered to talk to me. And I'm aware that you could ask, "Why would anybody want to talk to
this guy? He sounds like a total bitch." Being a bitch is all I have the energy to do. I tried to reach out. I really did. That's just not what matters to many of you.
I'm not afraid of causing drama over this, but I thought furryism was all about acceptance of other people. I would very much like to see that acceptance in person, because trying to make friends should not be this tumultuous. The best part was the meetup, where I got to take some selfies, but in hindsight, I wonder how much substance our relationship has outside of me getting a long-awaited hug. As far as I know, this is a bigger deal to me than it is to the group. If I get banned, then it will certainly save me a lot of indecision.
Like I said, I'm not listing to anyone trying to contest this post. It's entirely my perception of what's going on. If you feel angry and defensive, complain to your buddies about it. We're just not compatible as friends. But if you feel sorry for me, if you can read the pain and sadness I intend, then by all means, come and talk to me. Ask me questions. Try to get to know me. Show me that I matter to you. I long for a genuine, loving, face-to-face friendship. Virtual hugs are nice, stickers of hugging furs are nice, but they don't make up for the real thing.
And the real thing is spectacular...
