Before you read I might as well point out that it can be a bit depressing. I've had thoughts running through my head a lot, and now feel the need to express.
There are three things which create a base of everything. Beginning, end, and constant. Each of which contradict each other to one extent. A constant cycle is something that circulates, but it must begin somewhere. But if it begins, it must end. There may be a new beginning and a new end every time, but that will mean that it's a constant cycle. And if something ends, then nothing of it remains, it never even began. This is the starting point of all of my beliefs.
Truth is, I was just a teenage Atheist who used science to justify God not existing. Believing that Atheism was based on science, when the definition? Just a lack of God. Until around fifteen and a half years old, I was just another person following trends, not conforming by joining yet another conformity, and when I pulled myself out of that, I found myself. I stopped lying to myself. I pulled away the shield blocking the real me, and still need to today, at sixteen years old. I was peer pressured into hiding myself, I was still wacky, but that was for desperate attention. At fifteen and a half years old, I reached a point of self-realization. When I was seven, I got caught cross-dressing, and made it thought out to be a bad thing. The "urges" stayed within me but I did it less, and learned to hide it better. At roughly eleven years old, I was caught again, this time the reaction from my parents was... negative. It pushed me further into the corner. They thought it was just another phase, and those wants just stayed in my head, as I continued "following the norm" in life, believing I was wrong in doing that, pushing all femeninity asside as much as I could, and hiding myself from myself. Until I was, again, fifteen and a half, I was being individual for the sake of individualism, in the "emo" group rather than the "chav" group because it was, from where I was standing and looking, there were only "chavs", and it made me feel different, individual. Now I look back, I wasn't being myself. I was extracting influence and inspiration from something too heavily while leaving me back in my mind. As I let myself out more and more I became more femenine, and now I consider myself mostly female. Transgendered. One thing I just can not get off my mind, at all, feeling "wrong". The cross-dressing was only to make up, to make me feel how I truly felt in-mind. A girl. Where I could only "live it out" in the closet because of fear of embarrassment, or that I'm doing something "wrong". The only people to this day I really haven't talked to much is my relatives. They know I'm a furry, that I'm bisexual (although they passed it off as a phase), but they don't know I'm transgendered, or how strong my "animal traits" are. I have to supress myself now I've pulled away the shield, but is it really a bad thing? I will pull myself out some day, throw away the fear. That on that, art is something I love. Expression. I'm like a can that fizzes up to a point, and stays at that level of fizziness, where even expression can't help me. Drums, guitar, bass and most forms of visual art, along with the escapism that probably kept me alive helps me get through my life. The Furry Fandom probably saved me from committing suicide, homicide or getting thrown in a mental hospital, and I'm glad about that. There are so many people I need to thank so much that words and actions can't give how thankful I am. I have had to put up with a lot of junk from my point of view, people telling me "it isn't as bad as other people", but they don't know what's going through MY head, that I concern myself, my friends and my relatives. I would also like to note that I was touched a lot on the internet in terms of personality, I followed the "troll" look on things, being controversial. Over Guild Wars on a fan forum, constantly arguing a load of junk from my butt at the expense of them to cover my humour. In reality, it was the "trolls" who were laughing at me, not with me, just because I pulled bits and pieces from other forum posters to form my own "arguments", using them against "carebears" and turning derogatory statements. I never got banned. They found humour in my desperate attempt for acceptance. I was the one who was wrong to myself, but now? I'm happy I changed.
Society. We are all bound by the rules of society in some way of another. The most common, is clothing. Wearing no clothes at all is deemed "socially inappropriate", "sexual". That's been branded into our butts since day one, and is now completely a part of us. Language, there are a lot of languages in the world, working to the benefit or communication and understanding, it is the reason I can write this out and share my views, adapt them and accept them. I've been told a lot that I should "act normal". What is "normal"? A set of photocopied figures caught up in the illusion of perfection? The pressed-in social norms that are expected of us will always influence us heavily, while all we can do is deal with it. And education. Until sixteen we are forced into schools, for the better or not, I don't know. I guess I'm kinda on the fence for that, but we're set against rules, discipline and other junk to make us a "normal, working member of society". To get a job. Most of our life is spent on actually trying to earn that "dream" of ours.
All of that asside, influence and fear are to me, the biggest masters of a person. The "owner" of who they are. Fear can push us on, but it can supress us. Relationships, for example: people fear rejection, their heart thrown into their face, but if you don't do it now, you fear that you'll never be with that person. You fear not being able to take action in something during puberty, but you fear wasting that time and having being stuck with the developements you've had. Whereas with influence, we take from other people's morals, their personalities, and it affects our own. I've been a victim of heavy influence hiding myself for my life. But I've also been influenced to unhide myself, to pull off the mask, and while I'm pulling off the mask, I'm taking a little bit of everyone I like and adding it to my own personality. I'm not the only person guilty of this, everybody has been affected by influence and fear during their lives. You can even fear yourself. Fear capabilities of yourself, not knowing how far you can go if you break. I have felt this many times, and even with the help of the Furry Fandom, I've had thoughts of suicide, homicide and other things. Scenarios popping into my head. What if's. Fear and influence are powerful things.
It is also my view that there is a contradiction in everything. Some of my views are solipsist, meaning I can be the only one who exists, and I only know that I exist. That perception is our only true determination of reality. I have messed around before, researched "physical shifting" and tried it out. The "normal" world and "reality" are unintresting to me, and I like to push out of that boundary, look at what's not discovered, what's deemed "magic". The results? I felt changes. I felt a shift occuring somewhat, but I'm leaving that down to me, at the time, really believing I was changing. Soon after the "experiment" I went to sleep, had a weird dream. I had no pants, there were no pants at the school, and seeing as my school is strict, my mum just bought me a cheap skirt for school, and I went with it. Nobody thought it was weird, and as the day went on I progressively changed into a girl physically. When I woke? I felt that my gynecomastia had doubled. It lasted all day, and I ask myself: What if it is possible to use that to see what happens... on my reality? We have religious "nutjobs" preaching, but is their reality really that real? What about from their point of view, do they believe it on a level so high that it's their reality? A Christian and his/her God is their reality as much as an Atheist's God doesn't exist in their reality. For me? A God exists. And it also doesn't exist. The infinite possibilities are all real to me, just as they are unreal. Like before... there's a constant, there's a beginning and there's an end. All of which contradict each other. Like getting something out of nothing, where did this constant begin? If it began, then it's not a constant, and when it's over... does it start again? If it does, will that make is a constant? In other words, it's a load of junk.
Morals? I believe in concerning yourself with yourself. The past means nothing to me for the most part, and humans... I can't feel for them unless I like them. Non-Human animals, I have more to do with emotionally. Unless I have relations with that person, or it won't affect me greatly, it doesn't concern me. I do, however consider one major scale. On the low end, we have the unaware and ignorant but blissful, who usually gets content by annoying others who are not in their social order. Mid-low, the unaware and ignorant but depressed. Mid-high, aware and open but depressed. High, aware and open but blissful. This is all based on how you live your life: do you think of the planet as insignificant, small and meaningless? Some say "intelligence" makes you depressed, but you can be "aware" and happy. Yes, maybe it is insignificant, meaningless, a wasted struggle, but we've got little time to do what we do. We might as well make the most of it, we are insignificant, correct? But while I have my morals, everybody else has differing ones. Adolf Hitler, for example. He believed what he said was right, he fought for his cause, his plans, and his ideals. During the time, his influence and passion had such an effect on the people of Germany that he changed everything. Most people these days would call him an evil man, but the way I see it, there is no evil or good, just an imbalanced gauge of morality. I admire his passion, even if that would get my head kicked in. Mohatma Ghandi is another example. He believed in his cause so much, he inspired many people, only not for the same ideal or cause as Adolf Hitler. He fought with peace, let the aggressors take action, and made an example of them. Offensive pacifism, I'd call it. Telling the world "I think what these people are doing is wrong". One thing to understand is that imperfection is perfect, while perfection is imperfect. Myself? I break easily, and would fight at a certain point, but at the same time I have little play-fights with friends for a messaround, but for a serious fight to erupt something must have enraged me by a lot.
Anonymity. Hiding behind our computer screens is a strange feeling. Most of my friends are behind the computer screen, across the globe. Amazing that in the short time that the internet has been around, we are so advaced in it. But anonymity gives us a layer of trust. We can just as easily block someone, and we can trust them more as they're happy with you being who you are. Meeting in real life after a few safety checks and a buildup of relationship will strengthen the bond of trust even more. At the same time it helps us vent, sort of like getting a counsellor, except, in my opinion, better. If you've got a fairly strong bond, it'll be even easier to be open about your feelings. It's a powerful thing that unites us under the endless tubes of the internet.
Personal "sins". Hypocrisy, ignorance, hatred... ontop of everything else. Some people say "no, bad". I say "embrace". Yes, it's not a good thing, but one thing to realise is that, again, perfection is imperfection. We will never be truly self-less, lose all ignorance and hypocrisy. Even the most apathetic of people will have thoughts of regret for those things at one point or another. But you need to embrace the fact that you can't pull yourself away from this. I'm not saying try to do it, I'm saying let it fly. Keep walking forward. However, while we do contain all of that somewhat... we all contain happiness. Fair treatment among you and everyone else, understanding and openness to everything and love. They balance everything out, much like the scale of "peace and chaos", everyone has negative sides and positive sides, their "peace" and their "chaos. Acknowledge this. Accept that you aren't going to be perfectly selfless and peaceful.
Asside from all of that, my views are ever-changing. Overlapping each other in a badly tighed knot of contradiction that refuses to undo. With every word spoken, by me or others, I am influenced, I learn more about people, about myself, and change my morals and views ever so slightly as I'm becoming less ignorant to the world, even if it's a chat about what shoes look best, I still get influenced, get a small view of the mind. And looking at the faces, mannerisms and normal actions of other people... a simple view can tell you a lot. I'm not a mind reader, but emotion is easily viewable to me. As if an open book. My problem is that I can rarely help to do anything. Offer a word of advice, but seeing as they're somewhat my friend, I fear letting them down too. Maybe making the problem worse. Which also affects me and how I feel about myself. Weird, a feeling of uselessness just drafting over you, but enough of that.
Perception. I've messed about with "experiments" based on trying to change my perception through forced firm belief. To give myself the illusion that something is happening, and to see whether my reality has changed at all. I've always been curious, that if during a trip... is that giving the same effect? The "para-" suffix has interested me a lot, looking for things that you wouldn't expect in this world, just seems better than finding what is there. Amazing that a certain level of belief has such effects.
In closing, the way I see it is that we're insignificant, useless and have no bearing on things. Life is worth living because it's not worth not living. It's there, an oppertunity. What's on the road ahead? I can't say myself. I don't think anyone really can. But to off a little depression and add more enjoyment: Life is short and insignificant, so let's do what we can, think of our own morals, live the life we want to live as much as we can and go out with a smile.
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I'm sorry if any of this does seem depressing, but I feel the need to express myself. I've probably missed a bit out on a lot of it, but I've been messing about with it and meaning to put the thoughts into words for a while, and I was quite out of it due to needing energy, sleep and so on, and I just couldn't stop thinking. While I hope that bringing this out a bit more will take some of it off my mind and put it towards other things, I hope that this helps people with similar thoughts aswell.
And as a second part to the thanking the Furry Fandom... this place is generally where I'm most thankful. I've made a lot of "e-friends", who I can depend on to help me feel better. I seriously do not know how I can tell you just how much I am thankful, but just for being there, I admire everyone here.
I am also sorry if this is the wrong place or this falls into the category of "political" or "religious". But I'll leave the moderators to that decision. Again, I'm sorry if it's not supposed to be here.
