A lot of people seem to like this one....injoy ^^

[WolfCubLorent]

-Memories from The Heart-
2/10/09 “Keeping You Safe” By: Lorent K. Cub
If you were near every night I’d make sure you were safe
With soothing words I’d give you faith.
I’d lock the doors and shut the windows
I’d cover you up and hide your shadows.
I’d give you a kiss and say goodnight
I’d leave on one light so you won’t get a fright.
I’d say I love you and walk towards the door
You’d want another kiss on the lips just one more.
So I’d do it again then smile in a light
I leave your room leaving some to shine in your sight.
I come to you when you scream in your nightmare
I’d lie next to you until there’s no more fear.
Then I whisper sweet words while you lie asleep
This so for the rest of the moon you make no sound nor any peep.
In this warm summer darkness you get hot and again awake
So I open up your window slightly as my heart you take.
You smile in the moon light and hold out your hand
I hold it in this moment but still in front of you I stand.
You pull me to your bed and lift up the covers
This angel opens her eyes as we become closer as lovers.
We cuddle unclothed in this hot room filled with memories
Now on this day I for fill your wishes and turn real your fantasies.
Your breath on me in this room feels so good
Like when we were in the rain by the bus we stood.
We face each other as you give me another smile
I don’t try to get up I guess I could lay a while.
You rub your legs in between mine and giggle then we kiss
Your eyes light up so beautifully with love and bliss.
You moved in quickly in the dark and didn’t miss.
You were moaning as you moved in and out
I whispered your name as were shifting pleasurably about.
I’d call you cawala bear in such a sweet gentle tone
You’d call me teddy bear and say never leave me alone.
I want this memory to last forever never ending tonight
You’d do this thing were you nibble on my lip trying not to bite.
This distant love is a long burden to bare
I’d keep you safe if only you were here.

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[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

The first and last line are great in the way they connect to eachother, because you get involved in the main body as though it were happening, then pull everything back when you remind that it's not. That's clever, I like that.

The main body though, has spelling mistakes and clumsy movement as well as clumsy rhyme. This really shows in the second half where it just gets slightly laborious to read and say. The flow gets broken.

But yeah, good ideas, patchy execution.

[WolfCubLorent]

yeah i noticed that it gets clumsy and least of all subtle to say but I had to get all what happened out, even though it got a little clumsy ya know.....I tried hard to tweek it but I would of had to change a few lines which I couldn't do...it would of hurt to much hahaha...but yeah thanks bunny ^^

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Hurt too much? The first rule of writing is that sometimes, you gotta kill your babies