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Author Topic: FeedBack Story Start ?  (Read 1212 times)

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Offline Hopeforbetter

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FeedBack Story Start ?
« on: January 26, 2010, 03:13:03 AM »

The next day
The dark haired boy woke up late his alarm did not go off on time his mother came running into his room and shook him not knowing he had just woke up on his own.  She was late herself, for work.  The dark haired boy put on a dirty pair of jeans and one of his anime t-shirts.  As he pulled his hoodie he remembered his essay for class, the teacher asked the class to write about “something personal “. His cat his climbed up onto his desk and fallen asleep on his homework and was still snoozing. The boy tried to pull his paper out from under the ball of fur, the cat still making small squeaking sounds as he slept. The cat looked up at him as if he was a stranger, stood up yawned as he arched his back, then jumped onto the boy’s bed and once again snuggled up in a ball. The boy, not in any real rush filled his back pack and started for school it was winter and as the dark haired boy walked in the snow to school, he noticed how quite it was this morning.  Cars where making soft sounds as they slowly crept down the powder covered road. The birds where quite and keeping warm in the trees and corners of building by huddling together.  He rounded the hill about a half mile from his house and his school came into site. He was late almost past first period, the school bus’s had already come and gone on.  He started up the front steps, the sound of the snapping ice under his shoe’s mixed with salt. A car door slammed shut, the dark haired boy turned around and to his surprise it was Grace. She was a short red head girl with small freckles on each side of her face. She had high cheek bones and a very soft rounded appearance. Her winter coat had large heart shaped buttons and went down past the knees. She looked like a bell pushing its way into the deep snow that hid her lower legs and snow boots from view.  “Yes” the boy thought to himself “she is a red headed church bell walking in the snow”.  He smiled as she started up the steps, taping her boots off on the last one. The dark haired boy opened the door and held it along with his smile she looked up at him as she walked inside and mouthed the words “thank you” without saying it, her green eye’s said it anyway even if she had not.  The dark haired boy said without thinking “church bell”. Grace lifted an eyebrow in confusion and kept walking. He kicked himself for looking stupid in front of a girl. They both quickly disappeared to their different classes. The dark haired boy could not concentrate on much of anything that day. Wondering why she did not just say thank you out loud. Strangely, the fact that she said it at all was a gift in itself, and come to think of it, the way she said it was appropriate for the setting and the mood he was in. The rest of the day went past with little changing from the norm of his day to day life. The dark haired boy walked out the main doors having stayed late to get some homework done. The air was cold, bitter cold. Before he was halfway out the door he noticed Grace at the fall end of the long snow covered walkway dressed as she was that morning. It must have been snowing all day. She was drawing in the snow while waiting for her ride home. Not noticing the dark haired boy walking toward her in the crunching powder. As he approached he started to her soft music. Grace swayed her bell like shape back and forth brushing snow from side to side, a stick in her hand making long smooth lines in the canvas of white.  She was drawing a picture of a kitty. The boy walked up to her and bent down in the snow a quickly drew a dog of the same size facing her kitty. Grace looked up and started humming to the song playing in her ear buds and smiled. The boy felt as if time itself had just stopped just for him. A snowflake stopped in mid air just above Grace’s nose, her checks turned red and just as the moment was becoming memorable, reality snapped back into place her dad had pulled up and honked the horn pulling her eyes swiftly away from his. She never said a word as she picked up her backpack and climbed into the car. The tires spin and the car moved slowly away from the school yard. As it faded away in the now heavy snow the boy looked back down at the kitty and dog picture and pushed his finger into the snow between then drawing a heart above both.  The dark hair boy felt as if something different, unique, pure, and right had just happened. His chest lifted higher as he got up and walked home. 


That was just one page from the project, and I want to know Was the story easy to read and see. Or was it a miss match or words and ideas. ??? Feed back please? 
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: FeedBack Story Start ?
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2010, 01:41:59 PM »
Well I can see that you have a consistent vision of what you want this story to be, and the atmosphere generally sits well, but there are problems. The first thing I saw was a big wall of text with no visual breaks. People like text to be in bitesize chunks like paragraphs or new lines for diologue. Secondly, there are a lot of spelling mistakes, there are also lots of punctuation problems. Generally there should only be one and per sentence and if a sentence gets to long, either split it or put in commas or something.

There are other issues, but you seem new to writing so that's to be expected. Work on this, keep working and you'll get a lot better because you do have a good sense of atmosphere that can be improved.
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Offline KittKat chunky~

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Re: FeedBack Story Start ?
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2010, 05:55:46 PM »
Split it up!

it will make it so much easier for someone to read, believe me it will help sooo much! at the moment like Asia said it is kinda a block of text, splitting it up into paragrpahs will make it flow better and will be easier to read. Other than that it seems good and a promising start that can be improved upon  :3
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Offline Hopeforbetter

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Re: FeedBack Story Start ?
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2010, 11:00:36 PM »
cool thank you. I did just copy and paste it from "word" so I did not take the time to space it all out Sorry. And as for the rest I did ask for feed back, thank you. But the over all feel is clear. I am glad to see that.   
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