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Author Topic: Furry Tails  (Read 1354 times)

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Offline Varlen

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Furry Tails
« on: March 13, 2010, 03:22:16 AM »
This story, more or less, is PG-13. If anyone spots anything that slipped by me, let me know and I'll get on it. Critique welcome =3

FurryTails Prologue
There lies in the Atlantian Ocean, three thousand miles from the coast of Pharii, an archapelago of islands. Here, a thousand years before, the Empires of the Eastern Supercontinent came, and made their homes amongst the serene and beeautiful terrain. The Islands sat over crystal-blue clear water, with beaches of white volcanic sand. The sun hung bright and warm in a cloudless sky, and tropical birds ate exotic fruits in the lush, wet forests further inland. Snow-capped mountains of brown-gray rock, littered with volcanoes stretched down along the islands centres.

The Empires found more than just pretty sceneries though. The mountains were rich with ores, the forest filled with exotic wildlife to be sent home and examined, and the soil was ripe with fertility - perfect for growing crops and grazing animals. The Empires, notably of Pharii and Jionodia, came and took the islands. The residents were peaceful, tribal folk with simple needs and simple lives. They had nothing to match the technology and sheer power that the Empires had brought, and soon were bent to their will. Armies came and fought for the islands. Jungles and forests were cut back, clearing room for farms and cities and roads. Entire tribes were enslaved, whole races made extinct by the greed and hunger of the Empires constant, mercyless toil and the slow, hateful march of technology.

Eventually, the Forever Wars came. That salvation came from such a brutal and disgusting conflict is unfortunate, but the Empires no longer had their attention on the archapelago. They had since found new lands - entire continents that they could fight over, and now ones counted as friends had turned foe. The islands found three seperate paths to indipendence. In the east, they had to fight. They were the first to rise up. The remaining natives - both untouched and those intergrated into the new way of life over hundreds of years of brutal regeime, took up arms and began to overturn the Jionodian colonial cities. They were joined by furs from the Empires. Some migrated after the war, eager to escape the pressures of the Forever War and live in this new tropical paridise, free from the Empires at last. Others were there from the start, wishing to turn back unjust colonial rulers. Each city became it's own state, but they soon united, forming the Confederation of Atlantia.

In the south, they took to the streets. They protested, the slaves refused to work and those who's loyalty was to the new ideal of freedom voiced their opinions in the High Court back in Pharii City, they rallied and demonstrated on the streets inside the Empire itself. Over the years, Pharii rule crumbled and flaked away, untill the Atlantian Streights, as it had become known, simply declared it's indipendence and freedom from their former masters. And thus, the Streight was born.

In the North-West, however, things were different. Fighting had happened, as had the attempts to protest for freedom. Refusal to work and strikes were met with harsh violence from the Kreidorat Kingdom-Empire that ruled them. Slaves were put to death, statemen were trialed for treason and prisoners sent to fight in penal legions. It would take the full fury of another Empire to end Kreidorat reign over the last and largest area of the Archapelago. Jionodia came crashing down on Kreidorat in an impossible wave of fury and hatered - the long-standing rivals had been sitting on an uneasy peace deal for dozens of years. The Kreidorat lost the war, and their overseas empire simply no longer had a ruler. Jionodia's colonies had, over the years, gained indipance. Usually through violence that their withering navy could no longer keep in check. Jionodia no longer had interest in the colonies, and Kiederat was gone. And thus, when all other hope had failed, this last segment of Atlantia was free.

It became the Mid-Atlantian Islands. A central government, taking baby-steps into the wider world, eventually secured power through a diplomatic and suprisingly, an entirely unviolent process. The former Kiedorat city of New Leorderon - named after the Kiedorat capitol - was re-named New Atlantia City in celebration of this new indipendance. The old Kiedorat colonial-capitol building was torn down, in it's place the Atlantian Island Tower was built. A massive, ornate building to look out over the bay. From here, the Representative-Elect would rule the entire nation - largest in the Archapelego - and convice the party-less members of the Atlantian Council of his decrees and laws. A system of slow buerocricy, but one of fairness.


FurryTails, Part One -

The El Mare hotel dominated the local skyline. It rose thirty-one stories above the ground, a shining spire of glass and steel that shone gold in the setting sunlight. It was a sight to behold - an elegant spire of curves and waves and sweeping architecture that stood a full nine floors above any other nearby building. In the midday sun, the brilliant blue-green of the ocean played tricks as it reflected from the top of the tower, and the sun would be seconded as the clear-clean smooth windows bounced it's yellow fury into the Mare De'Sol - the massive, ornate park laid out before the El Mare itself, like some massive welcome mat. The De'Sol stretched, one-hundred and seven meters long of ultra-clean cut grass maintained by an intricate sprinkler system to defy the otherwise grass-smiting sun that hung in the sky. Flowers of all size, shape and colour were arranged out in the De'Sol, in the shape of the El Mare's coat of arms, with six stars proud beneath it.

Once, it had been said, this was the site of the old Kiedorat navy building, smashed to the ground and left to rot. Then, the El Mare was built - now the most popular hotel in a city that thrived on tourism. The El Mare was the dominant hotel in all of New Atlantia City. It had a six-star service, unheard of in most places. Only a scant handful of other hotels in the entire world could best the El Mare. Here celebrities, diplomats, world leaders, tycoons and richfolk would stay - their every whim the commands of those who worked here. To which end, the late-afternoon shifts had just ended. The staff entrance to the El Mare's equally famous restaurant, the Cafe El'Mare, sat hidden down the side of the El Mare itself. There was a fennec stood, back against and one leg propped, against the doorframe. The door hung half-open, and the Fennec looked worn-thin. His Cafe El'Mare uniform was unbuttoned and left intentionally messy, his long hair looked tired and knotted, like it had been left tied back for hours.

The fox was a scant 4'6 - average height for a fennec. They weren't so unusual here - descendants of the Pharian desert-species whom had settled here so long ago. His left ear had tiny dimples running down it, into which he was slowly putting numerous small studs. A lit cigarette hung from his mouth, slowly cindering away as his attention was elsewhere. He got halfway, and took a long, appreciated drag at the cigarette he held. He let the blue smoke slide from his mouth, finding himself savoring the powerful, bitter taste of chemical poisons before he blew it away hurriedly, and ran a hand through his chest-length hair. He had blonde highlights in the bangs of his hair, parted down the middle and just as long as the rest of it. He wore his clothes baggy, and held himself sloppily now that his shift was over.

His name was Remo. Remo Verio Seetas. He was tired, another long shift through the fading summer heat. His arms and legs were tingly-numb, as he described it, from working. There had been one group - a particular group that Remo had learned to hate - of highball players from the Confederation, here for the Atlantian Games. The Atlantian Games were a symbol of the peace and unity that the three nations of Atlantia wished to observe now that they were free of the violent, bloody regimes of old.

Not for the highballers. They had complained. About everything. This drink is to warm, this drink is to cold. My Alas'Dale Herbvoriat tastes to bitter and my steakham pastry-wings are to oiled. There isn't enough batter on my fish and there aren't enough fries, where is the waitress with the nice butt? How come we're being served by a short-ass fennec like you? How are you the Assistant floor manager? Why don't you Mid Atlantians drink your ales with mixers and limes??

He snarled. They were gone. They had left satisfied and fed. They even tipped, but Remo was sure they didn't intend to, or they wanted to tip the waitress with the nice butt. Scarlet, the poor thing. She was struggling here - she was new. They had hired her when she said she had experience waiting tables before. Turned out it was mostly diners and a three-star shenanigan downtown that got all it's business from drinked-up tourists. Nothing compared to the Cafe El'Mare. He had to admit though, she did have a nice butt. For a red fox.

He heard a car rolling slowly around the corner of the building. He looked to watch the cheap car squeak to a halt in front of him. His ride was here, bringing his best friend with it.

"Hey Tanya" he muttered, tired and lazy, as he opened the door and sat in the slightly-to-big seat. He had to adjust it to get properly comfortable.

"That bad, eh?" She replied, chuckling slightly. "Well good for you, you get to come shopping with me!" She said, over enthusiastically. Remo looked at her, then groaned.

"Damnit, do I have too?"

"Yes. I have decided" She said, looking down at him as she put the car in gear. She was notably taller than Remo - she stood a full 7'2 at full height. She was a Sibetan Tiger - one of the last of the Sibetan Tigers, in fact. There were only fifty-something left in New Atlantia City - and they were all supposed to be in New Atlantia City, if not Mid Atlantia. But that plan had gone out the window years ago. Remo barely came up to her waist when she stood up straight - which wasn't so often. She didn't like being so much taller than the average fur. When she was around bigger furs she would be fine about it - but the shorter, more eclipsable furs she would slouch and not hold herself properly, so not as to impose or frighten them. If a seven-foot tiger could 'not impose' on a smaller, more edible fur that is. "It'll cheer you up. I have those spare clothes you left at my flat - they're washed. Change into them"

"What, now?" Replied Remo, heavy with sarcasm.

"You know what I mean, Remo. Stop being a dick. We'll go to BurgerBar on the way or something, I dunno. Change in the toilets" She eased the car forward, weary on the narrow road that ran to the staff entrances. Remo waved to a passing vixen, wearing Cafe El'Mare attire as they reached the main road beyond.

"Who was that?" Asked Tanya, "It's not like you to wave at someone"

"Oh," replied the fennec, not really bothered, "Just a girl from work"

Tanya rolled her eyes. "Another one, eh? You don't leave these girls alone, do you?"

"Yeah. Proper player, me. I'd watch out if I were you" He mocked, sticking out his tongue. Tanya grinned. She turned her attention back to the road, the traffic still thick around the centre of the City. She had to flick her long, one-sided bang over her muzzle, tempting it to stay where she wanted it. Her hair was a deep, shining purple, almost black and - her bang besides - reached partway down her back in a flat, neat order. Her fur was faded orange, with bleached-yellow across her chest and stomach and the typical thick black stripes running around her body for her species. She was tall and had thin, toned limbs, a pure opposite of Remo. His long fennec ears usually sat behind him, drooped at the floor in his angst and sarcastic bitterness. His fur was a rich golden brown, his hair a deep earth brown against his yellow highlighted bangs. His body was short, stout and muscled. He was no brute, nor was he a musclehead - but he worked out regularly. Enough to look the way he wanted.

"It would be about time, anyway" Remo noted, after a breif pause. Tanya looked at him.

"For what?"

"For me to get some" He answered, staring sideways out the passenger window, his pierced ear twitching.

"Why would it? I've been without just as long as you" She replied, an unseen mocking grin on her lips.

"Yeah, but I'm not happy alone. I have enough on my plate without a constant threat of loneliness hanging over me" He looked Tanya in her jade eyes - there was something behind his mask. He genuinely meant this, he genuinely longed for companionship - a concept Tanya wasn't unfamiliar with. She was used to being alone, but she was a Sibetan Alpha female, it was in her nature to not crave such things.

"Oh". She simply said. They drove on home, through the urban jungle of New Atlantia and it's colonial road system. Eventually, as they got further from the centre of the city the roads became more tendeble, fewer random twists and turns and longer, wider roads. They crossed the marker for the city proper and the suburbs, the Delriat Bridge - a great, lightning-blue tangle of steel girders and wound metallic cables, supporting the six-lane-wide freeway across the marshes it was named after. Tanya's little-but-big car finally stopped at a cafe, tucked in a side-street in what was once a small, financial-district town that had been swallowed by New Atlantia. Now it was another district inside the city, dominated by a few tallish buildings that housed lawyer and small national banking firms, accountants and other old, money-related businesses.

Remo looked to his larger tigress friend. They had said nothing on their entire drive down since Remo had commented on feeling lonely.

"Why here?" He asked, genuine. He lived not so far away, probably ten minutes on foot in his largish bungalow, in a row of identical bungalows, with picture-perfect green lawns and white concrete slab paths to the door. "I may as well just go home and change"

"Oh no" said Tanya, pointing at the cafe, "We're going in there, there's good enough reason for that. I have a cunning plan..."

Remo cringed a little, taken back by Tanya's very toothy 'cunning plan'-grin. She took the keys from the car engine and got out, standing at full height in her one-legged trousers. She had torn the other one off for a photo shoot a while ago, and regularly wore it with a fishnet stocking on the revealed leg. Remo followed suit, grabbing his bag of clothes from the back seat. He hurried across the road, having to power-walk to keep up with the more epic strides of Tanya's long, slender legs. When they reached the diner, Tanya's plan started to become clear.

"Is that.. Who I think it is..?" Muttered Remo.

"Ymmhmm" Hummed Tanya in confirmation.

"But.. Why? Why is she here?"

"I have a cunning plan, remember?" Tanya was grinning much more now.

Remo had to fight instincts to not hide from her smile, toothy as it was. "You told her to come, didn't you?" Tanya nodded, the grin growing as Remo unearthed her plans in his head.

His tail wagged, but sank - torn between happiness and doubt. His ears shot out at an angle from his skull with anticipation. He took a deep breath, knowing exactly what Tanya had intended, without anything needing to be said. The girl - a female fennec - suddenly noticed she was being watched, and turned around in her seat at the diner, and waved to the unlikely pair stood outside the window. Tanya's smile sank, becoming a much more friendly and open smile rather than some maniacal, plotting grin. Remo smiled, half-meaning it.

"You're a... Whatever." He told the tiger, still smiling.

"Yes, but I'm your 'whatever'" She replied as she went through the door to the cafe

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: Furry Tails
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2010, 01:01:14 PM »
You have interesting characters, they look like they have some decent depth. I probably like Tanya more than Remo, for personality and verve more than anything, though you really should mention there appearance in one go rather than drip feeding it, because you sit next to someone in a car and not notice the one legged trousers.

The story seems solid enough and looks like it's going somewhere.
the only major problems are simply technique and skill.

You say a lot of information on things that are mostly irrelevant (It's good to know the setting of the ElMare but we don't need a brochure
And you skimp on information on the important stuff (one-legged trousers)

The small stuff is things like repeating words in close proximity, confusing sentence structure, mispellings, overtly flighty wording that don't work.
Also, research is important

Quote
His Cafe El'Mare uniform was unbuttoned and left intentionally messy
I'm no expert but I'm almost certain that in the greatest restaurants in the world, this sort of behaviour is unnacceptable.  Much like this behaviour:
Quote
He snarled.
at the customers?

Also:
Quote
it's colonial road system. Eventually, as they got further from the centre of the city the roads became more tendeble, fewer random twists and turns and longer, wider roads.
colonial road system? what's that? lots of twists and turns is common for an organic city rather than one that's been planned out, i.e. colonial.

as for the characters, why is the tiger the thin one and the fennec fox the muscley one? It's a small gripe and there's no reason why it can't be that way. I just find it strange.


oh yeah and:
Quote
little-but-big
No. I know what you're trying to say, but just call it small. That way we get the image of a tiger in a car too small for her.

Which kind of brings me to my last point that I say to almost every single writer on here. Show Don't Tell. Don't say it's a cheap car, describe HOW it's cheap. Is the paint scraped off? is it dull? stained? boxy? trundling? Is it covered in dents? I dont even know what colour it is.



yeah so you got a good story here, strong characters, I like them, but in terms of technical skill, keep working, keep learning, keep posting. Simple as that.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Varlen

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Re: Furry Tails
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2010, 04:35:11 PM »
Wow, I'd never thought of that stuff before, thanks for the feedback =3. Yes, I do tend to get carried away with some of my writings sometimes. I'll have a bash at sorting it out when I can.

To clarify; I'm not entirely sure what I was getting at with the roads, I'll go back and sort that out. And Remo was 'flashing back' to what had happened while he was waiting for Tanya to pick him up - his uniform unbuttoned and scruffed up to get comfortable once outside the cafe itself and after his shift is done. Guess that gets lossed somewhere. And with Tanya's car, it's supposed to be big compared to Remo, but small compared to Tanya. More poor explination I guess.

Thanks for the comments =3. It's nice to have someone poke holes in it rather than just read it and not post, or give no real critisism. =D

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: Furry Tails
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2010, 05:31:03 PM »
Glad to be of service

Quote
And with Tanya's car, it's supposed to be big compared to Remo, but small compared to Tanya. More poor explination I guess.
I could see that's what you were getting at, but you were focusing too much on explaining it and it got confused. Just call it small, but when Remo gets in, say the seats are big for him. That's all you need.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

 

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