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Author Topic: Unnamed Prologue  (Read 1679 times)

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Offline Nrein

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Unnamed Prologue
« on: January 27, 2011, 08:28:46 AM »
So, I've been working on this writing piece of mine for quite some time, and to take a quick little break, I wrote up this thing to kind remove some of the fog of history that isn't exactly tapped into in the real writing. Granted, there's some things in the big piece that highlight some of the things in this, but the bigger piece isn't going to be released until either I'm completely done with it, or there's enough demand to bring it out in parts (there are three parts in total.) Also, there is just one instance of mild language, so if for some reason you are inclined not to read such things, please ignore the second sentence of the paragraph marked in bold.
"Hey, come on, this place is huge! Bet you'll get lost in an hour"
   "Oh please. Me, lost? I doubt it."
   Summer, July 25th, 2009. The sun shone through the overcast sky, beaming a pleasurable warmth on the small city of Saratoga. There was a slight breeze that cause the trees to sway back and forth, almost in a rhythmic, orchestrated motion. Small birds flew high in the sky, riding the wind where-ever it took them. Friends walked and talked, mates laid in the grass cuddling, busy-bodies moved quickly through the crowds to make it to their meetings. It was another great day.
   A gray German Shepherd and a dark-blue Fox ran along the road on the side-walk, skipping every-other stone as they raced each other down the path. The two were laughing and shoving each other, calling each other funny names and trying to get the other to slip up. They eventually made it to, what appeared to them to be, a gigantic castle-like building. This building was Velké Naděje Manor. It was also the Shepherds home.
   "Come on up, I'll give you the tour." Upon running up the stairs, the Shepherd turned back to where he was going, and bumped into something that was soft and seemingly squishy. He looked up, hunching down a bit.
   "Nic! What on Earth do you think you're doing, running around like that? You could've knocked me over, or worse, ruin my new shoes." Nic looked down, and noticed a brand new pair of shiny shoes on the feet of his father, Robert.
   "Um, sorry sir, it won't happen again." A female came walking out of the door, looking down at Nic, and placed a paw on his head.
   "Now now Nic, what did I tell you? You don't have to call your father "sir." Simply just calling him "Dad" or "Daddy" would do. Or "Father." Or "Pop", "Pops", "Poppy..." Nic cut the woman, who was plainly his mother, off at that moment.
   "No, he's not Poppy. Poppy is Poppy."
   His father let out a slight snarl. "Son, what did I tell you about calling your Grandfather "Poppy." He said that with a slight utterance of dismay. "He is both a Military man and a war hero, don't go about demeaning his name with such silly things."
   Nics ears lowered, and his tail was practically drooping off him, when his Fox friend finally caught up.
   "And, who is this?" His father asked, looking at the boy and raising his brow.
   "Oh, this is my friend from school, Charlie. I brought him over to, you know, hang out."
   "Oooooh, look at you! You have a little play-mate now, how cute."
   Nic blushed at his mom saying that, and Charlie covered his muzzle with his paws, trying to conceal laughter.
   "A friend, eh? You shouldn't have time for friends. With your school work, chores, and all the other things you have, you can't be outsourcing your time for little distractions like that."
   "But Dad..." Nic drew out saying that.
   "No buts. You," his father pointed at Charlie, "go on, go home, or somewhere else that best suits you."
   Charlie had a look on his face of a child who was told he couldn't have a cookie, and walked away slowly, his head hung and his shoulders down. After this, Nic walked in the front door of the house, disregarding whatever it was his father was saying to him, and went straight out the back door. With a sigh, he flopped down on the top step of the back porch, and began tossing small pebbles that he found by rubbing his paws on the floor. After a few moments, he heard someone creeping up behind him, and next thing he knew, all he saw was darkness.
   "Guess who."
   Just from hearing that voice, Nic perked up, and flung backward, and was pulled into the arms of another Shepherd. He looked up and saw the face of his Grandfather, Poppy. "Poppy! When did you get back in town?"
   The old Shepherd laughed and sat down behind Nic. "Oh, just now! I figured I'd sneak in through the back and see my favorite cub before I had to listen to your fathers preaching's." The two laughed, Poppy's being more whole-hearted and deep, and he spun Nic around. "Hey, I have something for you." He reached into his back pocket, and pulled out a small wooden box. Attached to it, was a smaller bronze key. With it he opened up the box, and pulled out a small, woven necklace. "I worked on this when I was staying in the hotel. I figured it'd give you something to remember me by when I'm out on business. Here, try it on, go on."
   He took the necklace and gave it to Nic, who laced it around his head, and began pulling it down. Being so excited in his gift, he completely forgot about lifting up his muzzle, and had attempted to pull the necklace right through it. The old Shepherd laughed, and took the necklace from Nic, and helped him put it on. Once around his neck, Nic grabbed it and looked down at it. "It's perfect! Thanks Poppy." He gave his Grandfather a big hug, and proceeded to play with the necklace.
   "Say son, I was wondering. Might you have any more songs for me to listen to? I guess you've had plenty of time to write some."
   "Boy, have I ever! I wrote you the perfect song, or I'm hoping I did, any way."
   "Excellent! How about we sneak on up into my study, I make us some tea, and we sit down so that you can play me some of it on your guitar. Sound good?"
   Nic nodded his head, exaggerating it slightly, and the two stood up and went inside.
*************************
   Nic woke up, excited for it being the first day of his Winter Break from school. He stretched his arms, and scratched his chest with his paw. He looked at the time, and saw that it was only 6:00 AM, so he nodded off back to sleep, figuring it was only fair that he get to sleep in. In what seemed to be only a minute later, though it was in fact nearly an hour later, Nic awoke again to him being shaken by someone.
   "Nic, honey, wake up. I have some bad news. Your Grandfather is dead."
   At hearing this, Nic went from being flat out cold to jumping straight up to a sitting position. "Dead? You mean, he died?"
   "Yes, he's dead. Get ready, we're going to be having a meeting later in the day to discuss his Will." His mom left the room. Nic felt at the moment as though someone was pouring a thousand emotions into him at once. The main two were sadness and rage. He was sad that his most best friend had just passed away, and enraged that the person who is supposed to be his mother, just most bluntly told him about the passing, and made it seem as though she was more concerned with what he was giving away, then what had just happened. He felt like both crying his eyes out, and punching the wall beside him until he couldn't feel his paws.
   Later that day, they family proceeded to go to the meeting with the rest of the Family, to see what was planned in the Final Will. To the dismay of most, especially to Robert, nearly 80% of all of his belongings were given, in whole, to Nic. That included all of his personal belongings, the Manor, half the money he accumulated, and one third of the rights to Saratoga, the other two thirds given to his parents. Nic's father was very displeased with this outcome, feeling that Nic was not worth it for all the responsibility to go to waste.
   About three days later, the funeral was held.
   "And now, we say goodbye to William, but only in body, not in our hearts or souls. Amen. Proceed with the burial." Two tall, and seemingly strong workers walked up to the casket, and began working the cranes that were lowering William to his final resting place. "I believe that there is one among you, who have been requested by William, to play a song at his resting. Nic, please come up."
   Nic rose up out of his chair, and grabbed the guitar case that he had sat beside himself. After wiping a few tears away with his paw, he went to go to the front of the gathering, but felt a paw grip around his arm. He turned and saw his dad  holding him, with a near disgusted look on his face.
   "Son, don't you even dare go up there and taint your Grandfathers name with that blasted noise you call 'song.' This is a moment of silence, not a moment of trying to be a God-dammed rock star. Sit down, now."
   Nic looked long and hard at his father, the man who was meant to care and support him. However, Robert just looked back to the front of the gathering, now paying no mind to Nic. From that moment on, Nic only knew him as the man he hated most in the world. And on the day of his death, Nic for only a moment felt remorse, but it was shortly changed into something he couldn't even describe.
   "Thank you Mr.Ross, I'd like to be a lone now."
   "Alright, son, just let me know if you need anything, you have my home number."
   Mr.Ross shut the door behind him, and Nic stood there silently, after going through his memories, which seemed to be the longest moment of his life, and yet happened in the blink of an eye.
   "Well dad, I don't want to taint your name. What you've built yourself up to be... So, I'll do that proper thing for you, and feel no great loss in my heart." With that, Nic walked into his Grandfathers study, and poured himself a cup of tea. He sat down in Poppy's chair, which he had not done since just before he died, and took a sip of the drink, and sat there until the next morning, thinking silently to himself.

Offline Gelidus

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Re: Unnamed Prologue
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2011, 02:41:59 PM »
Really good start man. Knowing the story only gets better gets me really excited  :D
Love is only a feeling.
A feeling of security, a feeling of happiness, a feeling of lust, a feeling of belonging.
A feeling we need.
We may think we can live life without it, but a life without it would be boring, meaningless, and depressing.
Love controls us. Without love, we are nothing. With it, nothing else in the world matters
Love is only a feeling.
A feeling that makes life worth living or dying

Offline CormacCoyotecraft

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Re: Unnamed Prologue
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2011, 04:24:42 AM »
Very good! I like the situation and the setting. The relationship (or lack theroff) between the protagonist and his father reminds me very much of one an old friend had with his dad. Also, it'll be interesting to see where this situation goes, considering the family's wealth. It seems (or maybe it's just me) that a lot of books are from a middle or lower class perspective.

Also, excellent job at describing the physical actions of anthropomorphic characters (i.e. when the protagonist tries to put on the necklace). You've given me ideas for my own works; thank you!

One piece of advice I'd give you is to smooth out your transition between scenes. For example, you have a very good climax to the prologue at the funeral, but one moment we're at the funeral and then suddenly we're back at the house. What you have here is a great opportunity to delve deeper into the family relationship, like in the car ride home after the funeral.


Offline Nrein

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Re: Unnamed Prologue
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2011, 04:32:23 AM »
Hmmm, I'll definitely take that into consideration. AKA: I can make some use of that =3

If you'd like, I can personally send you the rest of what I have. Maybe compare some more notes?

Offline CormacCoyotecraft

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Re: Unnamed Prologue
« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2011, 05:39:36 AM »
Sounds good!

 

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