writing story, need criticism

[Graystripe77]

This is a fanfiction of Dreamkeepers by David Lillie. This is the first thing I've ever written, so it's not gonna be all that great.


Here goes:


Isaac woke up in his room, light shining through the cracked window. As he stretched his arms, he noticed the green stain on the ceiling. His room was very old, the wallpaper peeling, and was much too small to accommodate him, not to mention the lack of a bed. “At least I have a place to stay,” he thought retroactively. “It's better than nothing.” Isaac glanced at the clock. Having realized he was already late, Isaac yelled,“Thane, why didn't you wake me up?” The house was silent for a brief moment. “It's Saturday, Isaac. Go back to bed,” Thane's mother responded. A brief moment passed, and the house was silent again as he slowly fell back into the gentle embrace of sleep.
    It could be better, then again it could be worse, but at least he had a family to give him a place to stay in times like these. They weren't his blood relatives, but they were as much as he would ever have. After four long years of brutal abuse, Isaac had ran away when he was nine, moving in with his best friend Thane and their family. Things were tough, but they always managed.
    Ever since the return of Nightmares to Anduruna though, a lot has been going on. There has been talk of rebellion. The government has gone corrupt, their authority has been questioned, not to mention all the riots that have broken out in the streets. New groups have risen up, all trying to take control, to seize power. People have disappeared, and panic has run wildly throughout the districts.
Please, tell me what you think. Any questions/comments/criticisms are welcome.

[MrRazot]

getting there. keep it up

[x]

Well, it's a little short, and already it seems like a Gary Sue situation, but maybe you aren't quite finished yet? At least, I hope this isn't it.

Dialogue for each character should start on a separate line. His mother's response should be a new paragraph.

The writing itself is fine however. Keep going.

[anoni]

I can see quite an interesting story and sad story coming up with this. You also have a good habit of showing the reader about the characteristics of an object and you seem to show events really quickly but still have a nice flow to them.

HOWEVER, because you claim you need it, here is my criticism.

  The formatting right now is my biggest concern, it's customary to have quotation marks for speech on a completely separate line, rather than in a big bunched up paragraph you have, for me it made it hard to read.

  Other than that the writing style is pretty good, that's the only criticism I can come up with I'm afraid, if you write more I'll be sure to comment if required