Now I'm going to be a stereotype and ask people to comment on this, and I know it's a bit rough. But I dearly want to find an honest opinion about it xD So please read it through (only two pages, even then it's mostly spaces.), and I'd love some critical feedback about how it can be improved.
“Is everybody in?” There was no answer “Is anybody in?” The conductor could not see into the dark cabin, reserved for a private party almost a year before. “Hello?” He was answered only by the gears below coming slowly to life. As such he left, figuring that whoever had ordered it must be somewhere else on the train. The two hooded men on board quietly looked out the cab windows, towards the dark earth slowly falling away. Large patches of desert covered it, and little green was present. At the same time, the human race had managed to build a future for itself in the cities and suburbs ever more present on the face of the planet.
“First stop, New York Nexus station, New York.” The intercom blared.
“The train is making record time.” Road whispered “We’ll make the clinic within half an hour.” Preacher looked at him, silhouetted by the void “I believe we shall. These trains are quite amazing. Just a few years ago we would have had a day’s journey ahead of us.” Road laughed quietly before responding “Oh, but technology evolves so quickly, in another decade I doubt we’ll have so much as five minutes time before we’ll be at Dr. Freemans’ doorstep. That is, if we still need to see Dr. Freeman.” As he was saying this, the train slowed to a stop.
“New York Nexus station, New York.”
Preacher turned to the doorway as he spoke “I have no doubt that we will. We’re too far ahead of the curve. Although I don’t doubt that there will be many more of us by that point.” Road pulled off his hood, revealing his large ears, proof of his canine heritage “Lock the doors.” He paused as Preacher did as he asked “There will be many more of us in your shoes, you mean. The war department funds the project, and I am from the civilian stock.” Preacher leaned against the door as he answered “You were bred as you are- I have the misfortune of remembering what it was like to be human. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I of course felt fine, at the prime of my youth, as strong and fit as I could ever be. Looking back on it, I was helpless.”
The train started up again “Next stop, Tower station, London.”
Preacher continues “Completely helpless, and for the first year or so all I could think of was what if I had died? What if I was crippled or… Damaged in any way? I became terrified of my past.” Road looked at him “Your first year… Back before you were released to Dr. Freeman? Back when you were…” He trailed off. Preacher looked at him thoroughly, his eyes shining from beneath his hood “Back when I was property, you mean? When I was drilled day in and day out, when I was thoroughly… Tested. Yes, it was back before I was reunited with Dr. Freeman and his staff. They helped me get over my fears.” He ended firmly, with a sense of finality. It was some time before Road started talking again “I heard that you were living in St. Petersburg, what’s it like there?” Preacher laughed “Cold. Even during the summer. But I there is a reserve nearby, a forest. It is quite lovely, and of course very private.” Road laughed in kind “Ah! But that must get lonely. Why you insist on living away from the clinic never ceases to amaze me.” The train began to slow as Preacher responded “Because the clinic has no forests, no… Anything. They are disappearing as it is, and I plan on spending my life around them.”
“Tower Station, London.”
“But we have the kelp forests! Johnson has been developing a private ecosystem for us for years!” Road protested “And we have good company, good food, and we don’t have to hide! You’re alone in your quest for solitude.” Preacher grunted “As I should be. There are things you do not yet realize, and Dr. Freeman and I agree that I ought to live elsewhere.” The lights flickered on, exposing Road’s dark, mottled fur. “Whatever you say, man.”
The train roared to life “Next stop, Continental station, Istanbul.”
“We had a lecture on genetic restructuring a while back.” Road commented “Freeman is excited, he thinks it’s the next step in human evolution, and that soon all intelligent life will be able to modify itself, generally making more of us faster and cheaper.” Preacher jumped up “Don’t talk about people like they’re objects, nobody deserves that.” Road shrunk back to the window “Alright, alright, chill out man. That’s not what I meant; I was just saying that we can help people be more like us, if they want to be.” Preacher relaxed as he said this “If they want to be… Doubt it’s a small market. Next generation body art and augmentation, right?” The train stopped yet again.
“Continental station, Istanbul.”
“Of course it’s a large market. Certain groups even aspire to it.” Road replied “Although it is a bit extreme.” Preacher thought about this for a moment, staring at a patch of the floor with his hood worn low “Yes, indeed it is. But extreme measure is a necessity in life. But this does not matter, and I do not care about what the future holds for some mysterious individual. ‘Altruism’ by hypothetical thought never led to anything of value.”
Movement began yet again, as the intercom called “Next stop, Hong Kong station, Hong Kong.”
Road stared at the speaker “Hong Kong, end of the line…” He trailed off “But you raise a good point. On the other hand, it gives us something to look forward to; human behavior is always an interesting topic.” Preacher looked up; meeting Road’s eyes “Only to those so inclined, or to those who are not quite human.” Road twisted the dark cuff of his coat as he turned away “Trains are amazing, are they not? Following a course at maximum possible speed, carrying all manner of freight… They stop, and they return to motion. Very similar to the lives we lead.” Preacher did not respond, so Road continued “Except our lives end. The train begins again. Gives our lives an almost poetic element, doesn’t it? We live everything, with repetition as well as singular events…” The train stopped.
“End of the line, Hong Kong station, Hong Kong.”
Silence ensued, as sounds of disembarking rang back into the cabin.
“Will all employees please disembark as the train departs.” The voice of the machine echoed in the emptiness, feminine and mechanical.
“Mortality is a funny subject, isn’t it?” Preacher whispered.
The train roared back to life. “Now departing for the Pacific Research station.”
“Ole’ PRS, eh? You haven’t been there since this time last year…” Road chuckled heartily “Everybody has missed you terribly.” Preacher unlocked and opened the door, releasing a wall of air “I’ve missed them, too. I’m going to the commons car, going to get something to drink. Care for anything?” Road stared off “Rye whiskey. Best they have, just bring a flask.” Preacher grinned “Gift for freeman?” Road returned the gesture “His favorite, supply runners are prohibited from transporting alcohol and it’s so rare that any of us ever get out… He has done so much for us, it’s the least I could do.” Preacher’s grin widened “Then I’ll bring a bottle. Although I believe he may work better if you just get him a new watch next time.” Road laughed audibly as Preacher left, the sound echoing after him in the open compartment. After a few minutes, the train began to slow and Road left his cabin, towards the fore of the train. He met up with Preacher next to the exit door.
“Pacific Research station.”
Preacher held up the small bottle of fine whiskey “Let’s disembark.”
I understand the first paragraph in particular is terrible- anywho feel free to tell me how to rewrite it or what I did wrong, e specially in the format of the dialogue.
Topic: The train (Read 1007 times)