Long distance romance, how do?

[Timmy Fox]

So, I've been with my mate for little over a month off 2 years now and it's been holding up pretty well. As with any relationship we've had our ups and downs of course but overall it's been holding up well.
It's a long-distance relationship, meaning we aren't physically together more than a few times per year.

One thing though that's been bugging me a bit lately is how it's so hard to be really romantic with each other. He's still in the closet, so privacy isn't always on our side; I can't really send him anything by mail without a good reason to do so (birthday for example) and things like calls or Skype is rules out entirely unless he's home alone.

We've done video games in the past, most notably Minecraft, it was great a lot of the time, but it didn't always work out too well and we haven't really played anything together for the sake of being romantic and spending time together in ages. He also often likes to play together with his friends quite a lot from time to time, so sometimes he can get a little bored if it's just us all the time.

We've watched a few movies and such together from time to time, that's pretty fun and all. But it doesn't occur too often.

So that leaves text-based romance - role playing. We've done a few "virtual dates" like this by going to a various romantic places in a few RP's. It's pretty fun, but my only gripe is that it's hard to really replicate emotions and feelings in text-form. It works but I kinda wish there'd be a better way be romantic with each other that doesn't require putting in as much effort just to try and make it a good simulation.

Then finally is of course the factor that he is fairly busy with school and has certain health issues. So he's not always in a great mood for things and likes to have a fair amount of space in order to relax - this at the same time as I'm in the mood for doing things together online.

The distance also means that our moods easily can be very different from each other, much in the same way.  I understand him, but I also fairly easily can't help but feel a little let down when he doesn't feel like doing something when I'm, on the other paw, often wants a lot of "together time" and such. This has at several occasions caused him to feel that I'm being too "clingy" and attention-needy, which isn't incorrect, but is also very much just bad timing.

The thing that happens then is that he feels I'm not giving him the space he needs because my mood is for actively spending time together and doing fun things and he rather needs some space to cool down meaning that he's not in a very talkative mood. Because he then feels I'm invading his personal space like this, it causes him to be even less in the mood of chatting and dealing. It can unfortunately fairly easily turn into a downward spiral also as I get a tad annoyed and dejected over him rejecting my attempts to make a conversation and spend quality time together at the same time as he gets annoyed because I seem to fail to understand that he wants space.

But back to my question.. how can I feel like we are being more romantic with each other? And get more memorable moments together? Because most days seems to just go by without many interesting things happening between us...

I've been thinking a bit about how many couples have many special memories together and events they will never forget. They also maybe have like "their song" and things like that. For me, I don't really feel like we have too much of those sorta things and it's not really something that has been discussed very much either, if at all. I know that no relationship is like your typical romantic film, but it's hard sometimes not to notice some things, experiences, concepts, own little creative ideas and whatnot, that I sorta wish we'd have together more than we do.

[BakaFawkes]

Well, the only thing I could think of to type is that you should help him to be more open about his personal likes. If not a full revealing of his sexuality, just try to ease those around him into it. For example, start showing up more often on his screen when he's not home alone. I have a friend who hasn't told anyone but me about his sexuality and I promised not only to keep his secret, but to help him stay within his social circle.
 
What I'm saying is you might be able to at least see each other more if you don't have to do it in secret. You might even be able to find someone that'll be able to get you two together more often.

[WingedZephyr]

It can depend on your partner's personality, but sometime the best thing you can do for both of you is learn how to pull back a little. Let him come to you instead of you trying to get him to spend more time together. Pushing him about it too much sometimes has the opposite effect of what you want and might just drive him further away.

[Snow Kittie]

There is an app for smart phones called "Couple". My mate and I use it because it makes a long distance relationship seem a little closer.
It has many features that you two can utilize. The basic texting and pictures, to the slightly more uncommon voice messages and the very interesting video messages. I don't see many apps out there with video message capabilities, so these 30 second videos back and forth are nice for sharing the small things, like seeing my mate's pet, a pug.
The app also has some very unique features. You can draw something and send it to them, or both join and draw together live. The one thing that is very interesting though, is thumb kissing. You both place your thumb on your phones and the other person will see where your pressing. When they match, you kiss!


Perhaps this app could allow you two to feel closer and share more moments.

[Timmy Fox]

I might consider it, although my mate really isn't very big on using phones. I can try and convince him to try it though!

[Bubblegum]

Hmm, some ideas...

1) Read a book aloud to each other over Skype.
2) Bring a laptop with webcam into the kitchen and cook together, or exchange recipes to try during the day and meet about them that night. Take pictures if you'd like.
3) Take turns writing a story or keep a journal together.

[Timmy Fox]

Hmm, some ideas...

1) Read a book aloud to each other over Skype.
2) Bring a laptop with webcam into the kitchen and cook together, or exchange recipes to try during the day and meet about them that night. Take pictures if you'd like.
3) Take turns writing a story or keep a journal together.

As mentioned in the first post, his privacy level is fairly low (and his family does not yet know he's gay) so the first 2 options unfortunately will be very hard to do. He also does not have any laptop he can use.

#3 could be nice, but neither of us are too great with writing stories, I know I struggle in schools to write essays and that because of this. It's something I'll consider though!

[Hitt]

I think I am what you could say a long distance relationship veteran by now... I met my girlfriend online when I was 12 years old, and now I'm 18 and she is 20. I live in Sweden, she lives in the Bahamas and we met for the first time february last year when I visited her in the Bahamas. She is now working on becoming a Swedish citizen and if everything works out we will move together next summer!   

However back to your question.. I know exactly what you mean by the text-based love you're showing each other being repetative. My girlfriend is more okay with the repeat-issue than I am, so I am usually the one coming up with new ideas about what to do. Mainly we just talk every day on skype, from when we wake up til when we go to bed or somewhere else or to study etc. Every single day for all these years it has been the same.


We have done things like story writing with each other, watched shows together, listen to music and played games. Facetime is a great thing if you have ipod/iphones/ipads. If you don't know it's like a phonecall but where your face is showing as well and you can have it on and mute it in case you want to be private. We use it a lot, for example when we cook, shower (tehehe) and even sleep! The time difference between our countries is 6 hours and I think that has helped our relationship actually, giving us time every day where the other one is asleep so you can do other things than just talk to the same person all the time.


We have also created a shared tumblr account which is a lovely thing for both of us... it's kept private and password protected so we can post just whatever we want. We post pictures that we want to share (more than often it's naughtyness going on to be honest), stories (roleplaying ones like you mentioned) and other love notes. Sometimes we tell each other to go look on there, sometimes you just go on there and you find something sweet or fun from your partner. It's always great

I feel like this post is getting far too long now, you could always message me or something if you wanna know more.. I'll just give one more little tip. The thing that has helped me and my girlfriend to stay together is actually other people! I can't imagine having our relationship secret, so if you dare, tell as many friends and relatives as you can since they will ask you now and then "so how's it going with your partner?" or stuff like "when will you two meet again? I'm sure you're looking forward to it!". I know my partners whole family and I frequently talk to them as well.


Ill make a short summary:

• Try out facetime or something similar if you can find it. Seeing each other and hearing each others voices every day can help loads.
• Try sharing a tumblr or other blog-like service to be able to share media and texts with each other in a romantic and couple-ish way.
• Tell more people about your relationship, get to know each others friends etc. It also helps prevent jealousness if you know that the people your partner hangs out with knows about you.
• (extra) If you two are speaking different languages, try learning the other ones language or at least some specific areas of the language. It's always sweet to read lovenotes from my English speaking girlfriend in Swedish

Good luck to you my friend 

[BakaFawkes]

Wow, Hitt, that's a real love story there. All this relationship talk is making me so lonely! 
 
I did some more thinking, but it seems my answers were already taken. These guys gave some good advice, now you just have to make it work for you. If you two can "close the distance", it seems to me you would be a good couple.