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Author Topic: Puzzle Solver (People who give feedback will be given a personalized poem!)  (Read 1193 times)

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Offline anoni

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  What's this! I'm writing a new book! Yes I am, or really it'll be another attempt at a book. I have high hopes for this one, my other ones that I've tried are all about fantasy world, describing things that are in my head, but this time I'm going to a completely different angle. A story about a hobby Private Investigator, who is out to find the answers behind a mysterious letter. THOUGHTS, COMMENTS AND CRITICISMS WELCOMED AND ENCOURAGED. FOR A LIMITED TIME OFFER, IF YOU GIVE GOOD, CONSTRUCTIVE AND THOUGHT OUT FEEDBACK, I WILL GIVE YOU AN 8 LINE PERSONALIZED POEM WRITTEN BY ME TO YOU.

  A room dimly tainted by a curious light, illuminating nothing but small cobwebs, dusty books and a large, rectangular table. A room that’s surrounded by black, juxtaposed with the eerie white centred on the table. This origin of eerie brightness comes from the complete reflection of all visible light in the universe, an elongated rectangular structure that is microscopically shaped to appear the colour of that eerie whiteness. It is a piece of paper. But the paper itself is not what causes this delving thought of curiosity and interest that beseeches me and motivates me to communicate my findings. No, it is the dialect that is scribbled in grey, graphite shards on the paper. It is the contents of what is on the paper, the thoughts that the paper must express unto our world, it is the writing on this paper that sparks my interest so.
  “There has been a murder, find Saltnight Plaza.” That was what was written on the paper in scratchy, curly pencil markings, a murder connected to a location that was only vaguely familiar to me. A great unknown tragedy had befallen some unlucky individual in some unlucky place at some unlucky time. But who was the individual? Where was the place? When was the time? Murders happen consistently throughout all of history, thousands every year fall victim to someone else’s sword. So why then does this vague message give me such interest?
  Perhaps the amount of questions this paper is generating is what interests me, this paper even made me question my own questioning! But I question a lot of things; it is the nature of my work, so I do not believe this is where the interest lies. Perhaps the unusual property of the letter being so vague and yet so specific at the same time is what sparks this flame of wanting. Or perhaps the circumstances of the letter is what interests me so, the fact that I found it tucked under my front door, that it was written in a handwriting I somehow recognize and that it was calling out to me to investigate the ultimate mystery it foretells. But no, no, no, I know why this interests me; it is the same with every circumstance in life such as this. It is a puzzle, a riddle, a mystery, something that has an answer at the end of the tunnel, something that needs to be solved. That is where the interest lies; it lies in its unknown answer and my will and need to unravel it. I know not where this murder happened, but I will find out. I know not who was involved in the murder, but I will find out. And I know not when this murder occurred, but I will find out for I am me, a puzzle solver.
 
  I was sitting on a sturdy chair next to that rectangular table, legs firmly planted on the ground, pouring over in such glee at the welcome sight of such an interesting letter. The letter had given me but one command, “find Saltnight Plaza”, I was familiar with this place. It was the name of a large, old shopping centre across town, above it was a towering brick apartment building that contained hundreds of housing commission flats. I did not know what this letter wanted me to do there, maybe there is something I need to see or maybe the murder happened here, I had to find out.  I got up from the sturdy wood chair and I walked across the dimly lit room to an old mouldy wardrobe that contained my clothes. I put my hand across the rotted door of the wardrobe and forced it open; revealing an old, cream trench coat that above its left pocket had inscribed “P.I.”.
  P.I., it was “Private Investigator”, a puzzle solver, someone who unravelled mysteries that were thought to be impossible to unravel. That was how I spent my time, unravelling the many secrets, both big and small, that the universe had in store for me. But do not be confused dear reader, it wasn’t my occupation for I didn’t do it for the money and I didn’t charge a cent for any of my services. For me a mystery is a gift. It is a present that is supplied to you on a cosy Christmas Eve that’s wrapped in glittering style. The gift inside the package is unknown but your mind guesses its contents, it cycles through all your earthly desires and tries to pinpoint which one of these extravagant objects could be safely nestled in the confines of this celebratory box. As you claw at the gift wrapping, tearing it open bit by bit, you get more and more anxious and your mind wonders more and more getting more and more extraordinary ideas on what could be in this box. But it is only when you finally open the box that you see the true contents and in almost all scenarios the contents are disappointing, but that won’t ever stop you from being eager for the next Christmas every year. So is a mystery to me, the joy of finding out and having your mind wander as you get closer and closer, the feeling is ecstasy. It is why I must solve this letter and it is why I am off to Saltnight Plaza.
    So I dressed myself in the old, cream trench coat and walked eagerly across the bending, wooden floorboards that were beneath my feet. I left the old dreary apartment to investigate this tantalizing mystery that had its origin in Saltnight Plaza. I checked the front, left pocket of my trench coat for any loose change, for bus travel, and in it I found a scrunched up $20 bill amongst a sea of pocket lint. And as I walked down the hallway of the apartment block in which most of my time occupied my mind began to wonder, imagining what lay before me in this surely exciting adventure. What would I discover?  I imagined finding a homeless man slumped across the side of the shopping mall, sitting near a jar of piss and bile that remained his only true companion. And I imagined the bustling people that walked by him, minds filled with a cloud of products and sales, too important to notice the poor man starving to death at their feet. I went through thousands of simulations like this, all the way from exiting the run-down apartment building that was my home to the last stop on the public bus that led me straight to destiny’s Saltnight Plaza. Yet, no matter how many simulations that looped in my mind day in and day out, nothing I think is truth or accurate to what is reality; so I must be here in Saltnight Plaza, to find that reality.

Chapter 2:

  As I got off the public bus in Saltnight Plaza, I was greeted with only a fraction of the community I had imagined in my mind. I saw little more than four busy shoppers simply walking aimlessly around, as if wanting to buy a new product but not quite sure what they even need anymore. I walked across the small shopping centre and saw tags that encouraged purchase and signs that are built to stupefy. I saw lottery tickets that promised wealth, while simultaneously taking it away in its purchase; I always thought the irony in lottery tickets was funny. A willing sacrifice for moderate living in hopes for an extravagant one, like a man cutting off his hand in hopes that he will become unbreakable.
  I was passing by one of the four busy shoppers; he was young and had short scruffy brown hair and wore quite a large, thick coat, possibly due to the chilly morning air that was surrounding us. Ah, perhaps the time explains this lack of activity, it was only a few minutes passed nine in the morning, and most of the shoppers were still at home slumbered in their large houses, or possibly preparing a meal or currently arriving for their professional occupations. The shopper was less than half a metre away and I began to realize something, if a murder had occurred in this place surely these people would have noticed something odd. Perhaps I could garnish some information on my surroundings through these people. So as the shopper and I were almost shoulder to shoulder, I glared in his direction and said…
  “Excuse me sir, may I have a minute of your time?” when I had finished my sentence, he looked at me inquisitively as if I had disturbed his precious time of wandering aimlessly.
  “Uh, sure, if it’s only a minute or two, what’s up?” said the shopper, in a youthful yet bland voice.
  “I was wondering if you have noticed anything out of the ordinary here. I had a tip from a client of mine that there had been some unwanted criminal activity in this area, so if you have noticed anything strange around the mall it would be a real help if you could fill me in.” I stated, not willing to give up the full extent of my reasons for being here.
  The youthful shopper tilted his head slightly, perhaps perplexed at my line of reasoning or my choice of vocabulary. “Huh? No… No, I haven’t noticed anything strange… but it is pretty early, maybe try asking someone else.” He concluded that uninforming line of thought by stepping forward and away from me, continuing his circuit of aimless consumption. He walked on, but not without giving one final word to fill his mind with ease for not being able to solve my neglected question, he apologized.
  Well, there were many people to ask, many perspectives to gain, many informants to inform. I spent the better half of the day talking to people about the activities of the shopping mall. I talked to young girls and old women, penny shoppers and big spenders, the nice and the not so nice. I asked and asked about any strange occurrences that any of them have observed and they told and told about how everything seemed what they would define as normal. It was no less than three and half an hours later that I began to lose hope of any connection with the proposed murder on the ingenious letter. But in my line of curiosity, I had perked the interests of a noble stranger who like a mouse stayed in the shadows to only advance at the most unexpected of times. And thanks to this stranger, after three and a half hours of wasted questions, I got my answer.

   

   
« Last Edit: March 22, 2014, 02:32:22 PM by anoni »
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Offline anoni

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   The first clue to my answer came in the form of a stern, yet gentle, aging woman who lived in the flats above the mall. I had noticed she had been observing my actions from about 10:15 am to now, 12:30 pm; all the while she simply stayed as a bystander not saying a word. Why she waited so long to communicate with me was another mystery in and unto itself, but right now I was more concerned with the content of the letter and what information she could garnish from it.
  She walked up to me in a shy and frail manner and in a soft voice lightly asked “Are you a cop?” The question was a bit off-putting, why would an old lady ask that? Such a line of inquiry had me very intrigued indeed.
  “No Ma’am, I’m a private investigator. I don’t have the same authority as a police officer but if I find someone that is breaking the law, I refer them to the police”, I informed. The look on the lady seemed eager and my response to her question seemed to increase her eagerness. She clearly had some information that I was not aware of.
  “Dear boy, could you come with me to my apartment?  I have something I want to share with you.” she responded, taking my hand with her soft, yet wrinkly skin and pulling me further to the elevator that led to her home. I wasn’t going to resist because she clearly had something that I would be interested in, the fact she wanted to take me to her apartment was no consequence to me, as long as I got some information about the murder the letter so vaguely informs. 
  She pulled me into the elevator of the shopping mall, for an old lady she had quite a vigorous tug. She clicked the button inscribed with the number “7” and waited with me as the elevator rose to her floor. It was interesting how quickly things can changed and yet how slowly they can progressed. I have spent a majority of the day asking fruitless questions, getting absolutely no progress towards my goal and yet in a matter of an instant I’m suddenly being dragged along to the answer that I’ve been seeking. I know of scientists who try to plot the universe as a continuous form of change, that change progresses as smoothly as possible, yet clearly in the real world it seemingly is random. Yet others claim the world IS just randomness, with no real rules whatsoever but everything is comprised of random events, such a notion is ridiculous because of the amount of trends that occur in the real world. I don’t think the world obeys a nice objective basket of cleanliness and yet I still think the world obeys, the world is complicated and a mess where nothing can be determined and yet everything is determinable.
  And yet, in my grand philosophical thought about life and the universe, I had neglected to realize we were at our floor and we had been at that floor for about 30 seconds. The door was being held open by the old ladies arm, outreached from outside the elevator to my hand. She had been tugging on me to get my attention, all the while I was thinking about my meta-physical dilemma. No matter, I was out of it now; I needed to stay focused on my goals in hand and so this time I finally responded to the old ladies tugging and allowed her to lead me down to her apartment.
  The hallway was very old and fairly dusty, there was carpeted floor but the carpet was dirty with all sorts of mud stains and dust littering it, it was like an urban autumn floor. She led me to her apartment, room 703, where she finally released my arm to reach for her keys. She grabbed her metal keys and twisted it into the lock, opening the door and revealing something I was both astonished and stupefied by. I was prepared for anything, for her to know the murderer, for her to BE the murderer but nothing could have prepared me for what was in her apartment.

  Plants, hundreds and hundreds of potted plants that littered her apartment on every shelf, chair and table. The absolute blitz of green blew me away and created such a stifling contrast between the rests of the apartment block that it seemed as if her apartment was part of some other world. The amazing thing was this was just the look from the outside, once I stepped into the apartment I had observed even more plants that were in her bedroom, the kitchen and even the bathroom. It was like I was being watched from every angle; the amount of plant matter that existed in the apartment was absolutely mind blowing.
  Her apartment wasn’t very large, it had one bedroom, one bathroom and a kitchen/lounge room, and it was made even smaller by the fact that everything had a potted plant on it. When she led me into the apartment and closed the door, she walked to her couch and removed two plants and placed them on the floor so we could sit. I sat on the couch with her and took one final look of the green apartment, I felt like I was going to get strangled by a million vines. I had to brush it off though for I came here to a reason and as I said before dear reader, I needed to stay focused.
  “So, did you want to talk to me about something, miss…?” I said, trailing my words off into nothing as I had never actually gotten her name.
  “Sylvia sweetie, it’s Sylvia.” She said with a somehow calming voice, “There’s no need to be formal with me dear boy, so please just call me Sylvia. You were asking a lot of questions about some strange or unusual things that are happening around this place, so I wanted to report something”.
  If I was a dog my ears would of perked up, this was what I have been searching all day for, a clue, a lead, something to get me to search more. I spoke, trying to hide my excitement, “Sure Ma’am, I mean Sylvia, w-what is it that you wanted to report?”
  “Well…” she said, leaning forward to me and lowering her voice, “there’s this group of young people that stand at the back of the shopping mall all night causing all sorts of trouble. They’re terrible vandals that have no sense of decency and care for other people, but what can you expect when half of them are Negros. They go around all night, they break windows, they probably rob people and they simply are a menace to the entire community and I think should be removed immediately”.
  Decency, what is truly decency? I hadn’t gotten enough information; there were many groups that hung around the mall, so I needed her to tell me more. I asked, “What kind of people are you referring to Sylvia?”
  She frowned a bit, as if I was meant to already know the answer, “You know, the red, err, the red bunny or whatever they call themselves, the gang that goes around every night and causes a whole lot of trouble. These people have the nerve to threaten an old lady, they probably break into cars for the fun of it and they deserve to be removed from this neighbourhood immediately!”
 
(I had to leave so I couldn't finish the conversation. ALSO the racist remark the Sylvia says in no way reflects the opinion of me or the book as a whole. The comment is there just to show what kind of character Sylvia is (and to add a bit of irony to the "decency" line) so please do note this is in no way there to offend, but is just an (important) aspect of the character within the fictional universe.)
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Offline Tyga

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Very impressive, looking forward to reading more.


I can only think of a few criticisims




You talk about being vaguely familiar with saltnight plaza and then later on you just refer to being familiar with it.
This sentnce "And as I walked down the hallway of the apartment block in which most of my time occupied my mind began to wonder, imagining what lay before me" is a little broken.
You refer to Saltnight plaza by name alot, you could maybe change them to say destination or something like that so it doesnt seem so repetitive.
Your sentence structure is very full on, lots of punctuation, lots of ideas all running around crashing into each other to the point that I was losing track from one end of the sentence to the other (that sounds really pompous doesnt it? x.x).
Im not to sure what style of writing your going for but its very descriptive (not sure if thats the word I want or not) and it sort of divorces the reader from the story...like we were reading a police report or something similar making it hard to connect to the characters.
I know we're only a couple of chapters in and was wondering if we'd get a bit more back story on the PI as theres not a lot there at the moment.

Hope this helps a little

« Last Edit: March 22, 2014, 03:16:38 PM by Tyga »

Offline anoni

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Thanks for the feedback! (No you don't sound pompous xD)

I will work on the sentence you gave and a few of the quips you mentioned.

The full on descriptive, sentence structure and random ideas is intentional because it's based on the thoughts of the character (And the character isn't meant to represent a normal person), but I will make it less confusing. (IF you wouldn't mind saying, do you think the first chapter had better description than the second chapter, like were you happy with the first chapters description and than disliked the second chapter, or was it overall just too descriptive?)

Despite this appearing to be a detective novel, it isn't really, the back story of the P.I. will intentionally be left out until later, the reasons for this is secret (you'll have to find out xD). But if you feel it retracts from the readers experience, I can add some more hints to his backstory.

I will write your poem tomorrow (I'll PM it to you)! :3


Also, be completely honest (you don't have to say) because I want to try and make this a proper thing, and in order for it to be a proper thing it needs to be good for the reader. SO, overall, how invested are you in the story or how interested are you in it? Are you (honestly) motivated to read more? (I'm expecting an answer that is a bit "not really" because this is a furry forum xD so you can be completely honest about that) [If your not it just means I have to change things around until you are]
 
« Last Edit: March 22, 2014, 03:57:15 PM by anoni »
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We fight, we recruit, we are the anthropomorphic army. FDF forever!

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Offline Tyga

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Honestly I am looking forward to reading more. Im a writer myself and have been for a long time so I know how hard it is to get honest feedback on something you've written XD Plus I devour books on a daily basis


It was a little bit too descriptive overall for me though the first chapter was better in my opinion. For me the story was sort of getting lost in all the descriptions.


If theres a valid plot point for keeping his past secret (and from your comment there obviously is) then I look forward to seeing it come to fruition.


I look forward to reading more from you in the future  :)


And thank you for the poem  ^_^

Offline NautilusWolf

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As a novice writer mostly writing poems, I cannot give much, but here's my bit.
I love the idea, being that is a story dealing with law enforcement/forensics, since my father worked 16 years as a cleveland police officer and that the topic of criminal investigation interests me. My only try criticism is that the setting is rather vague, maybe even not present. The way I imagine it, it's like NYC in the 1950's. The setting may actually be there, but I missed it. I re-read the beginning to see if I had and didn't notice it, but hey, I've been wrong before. As for the very descriptive nature of the piece (brought to attention by Tyga), I think it fits the story because of the analytical nature of Private Investigators. I'm certainly not as good of a writer as you, but this is my humble little opinion. I hope I helped in some way!
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