I just can't relax

[Cheza]

I always feel tensed up and on edge when I'm alone. (Which is pretty much constantly since I live alone)
I spend most of my day sitting in a corner (on my bed with my laptop) where I can look over the whole apartment despite having a nice comfy sofa and chair.
When listening to music, I tend to keep one ear "free" or the volume low enough so that I can hear "everything" that's going on around me.
I can't sleep while facing the wall.
Putting on "difficult" shirts makes me panic since it makes me unable to see or move.
Having to close my eyes while showering is almost enough to cause panic attacks.
Doing the dishes or cooking is hell because the noises drown out other sounds, and I have no choice but standing in a small room with my back turned at the only exit. Walking past (or even near) the closets makes me jumpy, especially if I've left them slightly ajar.
I rarely dare to look into mirrors.
I'm terribly afraid of the dark and tend to keep all lights on "all the time".
Being outside around tons of people I don't know also scares me, especially joggers running past me from behind.
The winter part of the year when it's dark pretty much "all the time" tend to be really hard for me too for several different reasons.




Some periods are naturally better than others, but if I'm also stuck in a nightmare-period or just otherwise not feeling too well things tend to get so bad I hardly dare to sleep at all, or even leave the weird magical safety of my bed more than what's absolutely necessary. That usually leads to basic things not getting done, like me not going to the grocery store or taking care of some other thing that needs to be done. Which in turn leads to me not eating. That alone is bad enough, but coupled with no sleep, it's like asking for migraines. Which also aren't really helpful since they're usually pretty debilitating and only causing this whole thing to loop endlessly.


The weird part is, all these issues disappear when someone's with me. I have no issues sitting in a dark room with my eyes closed, having staring-contests with myself in a mirror or sleeping the "wrong way" if I know for sure someone else is there too. They don't even have to be in the same room, just the knowledge that they're nearby and that I can trust them is enough to just make me feel like I'm safe.
This is also kinda the reason why I sometimes end up willingly visting my mom. Sure, she's proved to be a pretty bad person a million times over and I rarely escape those visits "unharmed", but at least I'm not alone when she's around.


I've been like this ever since I started living on my own, and even tho I do suspect "everyone" is like this to some degree, I can't help but feel like I've passed the point of what's "normal" in this case. I'm just not sure about what or how I could try and get over it so I could live a slightly more normal and independent life without constantly feeling like something's trying to get me.


Anyone else feeling like this? Or maybe someone knows what the problem is and/or some way to possibly solve it?

[HyenaKing]

As it may not happen as often as you, yes, I get the same, unsettled feeling. Most of the day. It can calm down sometimes when im focused, but, thats about it. I really feel for you and Even though im not accually there, I'd love to help by just talking to you, or through webcam, or anything, if that helps. I understand how terrifying it can be when you're alone, in the dark, not where you want to be. For me, I also have other things (that you may inquire personally..) That just, makes it impossible to maintain friendships with people. Alot of that can be Anxiety. I hope this helps, so, come contact me if you wish, Chez.