The Spirit Within

[BlueWolf]

First piece of writing that I'm actually going to put out for the world to see, critiques/comments/gripes/complaints/compliments are welcome.  I was actually writing this with book-sized chapters in mind, so there's a prologue and a huge first chapter (7 pages in Microsoft word).  Anywho, enjoy! 

EDIT: I just realized there was a character cap on posts, so I'm going to have to throw the prologue in its own and post the chapter in chunks.




        PROLOGUE


     Screams, blood curdling screams could be heard in the distance.  The town was destroyed, but no fires were to be found.  The tallest buildings had collapsed as they turned to dust, the black magic overrunning the town.  Through the cries of the injured, a single cackle could be heard in the center of the town.  A woman, garbed in black leather armor waved a hand as a swarm of the undead rose around her.

     The clinking of metal and armor on the vanquished bodies was muffled by the groans of the newly awaken zombies.  With a flick of her wrist and a single word, the swarm brandished their weapons tarnished with blood and charged at the militia.  Frantically, they scattered, each trying to outmaneuver the horrors that descended on them.  Swords clashed and cut, axes swinging overhead, the gurgling and yells of dying soldiers could be heard throughout the town.  As the last soldier fell, the necromancer laughed.  Again, she waved her hand, and all of the newly dead, and the fallen zombies, crawled back to their feet, freshly inflicted wounds no longer bleeding, weapons drawn.  As she started to walk to the castle, the growing zombie horde fell in formation around her, ready to follow any command.

     As they approached the castle, archers on top of the spires rained arrows down upon the necromancer and her army.  Some zombies fell, pierced through the head and neck, while others brought up shields to deflect the incoming missiles.  The archers started shouting in horror as their arrows pierced the chests and legs of the zombie mass to no effect.  They continued on their slow trudge through the town, walking almost methodically to the step of the necromancer in the center.  The parapets were deserted as the archers fled into the castle, readying themselves to defend at sword’s length.

     The horde, finally approaching the massive front door started hacking away, swords and axes landing squarely on solid wood.  A tempo was formed as a zombie hit the door and stepped back to be replaced by another swing from another zombie.  The necromancer reared back and gave a howling cackle as the door to the castle developed a hole the size of a man, and one by one, the zombies filed into the door, ready for the slaughter.
 

[BlueWolf]

Chapter 1
The Academy and the Master


     Akeda woke with a start.  He sat upright, sweat beading his forehead.  His hands were clammy against the bed sheet, his blanket having been kicked off.
Another nightmare, he thought, wiping the sweat from his brow.  As his breathing slowed, he looked around his room as morning’s first light peeked through the window.  He lived in a small dwelling, not cramped, but not richly spacious.  The desk in the corner of his room was neat and orderly, a single piece of parchment sitting in the middle with a quill in an inkwell sitting precariously off to the right. Next to the desk stood a mannequin donned with Akeda’s quick throw-together of leather garbs fitted into makeshift leather armor.  Around the room, each with their own place, sat a small table with an empty teacup, an assortment of cloaks and jackets, and a pair of heavily worn leather shoes.


     He was not rich by any means, but he was comfortable.  He was familiar with his room, which made him happy.  Akeda’s thoughts often strayed to adventurer’s lives, constantly moving from place to place, fighting epic monstrosities and gaining wealth unimaginable.  He always tossed those thoughts aside; an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar place, with or without unfamiliar company didn’t suit him.


     Akeda groaned as he rolled out of bed and let out a loud yawn.  He put on a pair of leather pants; the brown had faded as a result of being worn for years, a patch that was sewn on over a hole was starting to lose its threading.  He made a mental note to sew it back on later that night as he threw his plain tunic on and donned his favorite black cloak.  It had been a gift from Master, and he treated it like it was worth more than his life.  Which it probably is, Akeda thought dryly, a smirk crossing his lips.
He opened the door to his room and made his way down a narrow hallway of patchwork wood and shabby doorways to a set of stairs to the main floor of the inn.  He cast a wave and a friendly hello at the barkeep as he wandered through the patrons, hearing a slew of yawns and good mornings from all he passed.  This place was friendly enough, but crowded; he did not like crowds.  He headed straight for the door and out into the street, the sun blinding him.  After letting his eyes adjust to the light, he wandered down the horse trodden road, toward the academy where his master waited.


     As the wind picked up and sent chills across Akeda, he pulled his cloak around him as he looked at all the shops and homes.  Wreathsport was a small village; seeing it a mile off on the trail and you could mistake it for a temporary settlement.  The ping, ping, ping of the blacksmith’s hammer rang in Akeda’s ears as he walked by the smithy.  The blacksmith looked up and waved, hammer in hand.  Akeda smiled and waved back.


     “You better get the iron out of your shoes, Benji left about an hour ago!” the blacksmith called out before returning to his work.  Akeda nodded to himself and started a light jog across town, passing Andrea the jewelry woman in her makeshift stand outside her small, one bedroom cottage, selling a wide assortment of ornaments made of wood, some necklaces said to be charmed for good hunting, others for good fortune.  He also came across Belod the fisherman, selling his latest gathering of fish at another stand.  It was simple living for everyone, and everyone had a purpose.

[BlueWolf]

     Just outside of town, Akeda walked up the path to the academy, a small wide building with short spires.  Every corner of the little building was layered in gold that swirled around the wood.  In front was a sturdy door of solid oak, with the master’s symbol emblazoned on it: a single star with a ring of fire around it stamped into a gold plate, hanging from a thick rope.


     “The academy of fire-wielders,” Akeda whispered to himself as he read the sign.  He always felt out of place here.  This was a place for the rich and gifted.  As promising children were found to possess an inner flame, their families paid the academy to take them in and train them.


     Akeda was gifted, but not rich. At 6 years old, his master happened upon him on the street of the nearby village as he was being ganged up on by a ring of bullies.  He had been told that as he was receiving his beating from the bullies, his eyes glowed a dim white, and small flames had started on the feet of the group, causing them to run away in fear.  After, the master learned he had neither family nor money and paid the inn to give him a room to live in.  He was enrolled at the academy and had been practicing his fire-wielding ever since.  Now 18, he was a promising student and spent the majority of his time studying for his graduation exam.


     Akeda took a deep breath and pushed open the door and the sound of meditation and chants filled his ears.  He shut the door behind him and as he walked toward the giant mat in the middle of the floor, he heard a teacher call to him.


     “Oi, Akeda, you’re late,” he said from behind a desk furiously writing on a piece of fancy parchment.


     “Sorry sir, I didn’t sleep well” Akeda replied earnestly, bowing deeply.


     The teacher, Benji, looked up from his writing and frowned. “Again?  Boy, you’re never going to graduate at that rate.  We need you awake and alert and here on time,” he said angrily as he tapped his desk with a finger in time with the last two words, small flames emitting from it for added emphasis.  Then, his face softened, and he replied in a more caring tone, “was it the nightmare again?” he said as he gestured to the ornate chair in front of his desk.


     Akeda nodded solemnly and removed his cloak.  He placed it on a rack near the desk and sat down. “It’s been every night this week.  I don’t know why it keeps happening.”


     “Tell me again, maybe there’s something you’ve missed,” Benji whispered, sure to make sure he couldn’t be heard over the chants of the others.


      Leaning in and whispering with haste, he relayed his dream for the fourth time to Benji about the necromancer, the town she overran, the undead, and the castle.  “I always wake up at the same spot,” Akeda sighed, sinking into his chair.  “The door gives way and they rush in.  What does it mean?”


      Benji rolled up his parchment and put it in a tube, which he sealed shut and filed into his desk.  He took his time cleaning his quill and putting his inkwell away before replying.  “I think you should tell Master about it.  It sounds more like a premonition every day, and it might be of interest to him.”  Benji stood up and walked around his desk and past Akeda. “He’s waiting for you in the back.”


      “I’m not practicing out here?  Shouldn’t I get my tunic before I go?” Akeda retorted, a shocked look on his face.  He knew that the other students always had a problem with him being there, as they paid for it, but he got his training for free.  Still, this bothered him.

[BlueWolf]

I'll cut it right here, as there's still more in the chapter, turns out I wrote a lot more than I thought I did. 



      Benji shook his head and motioned for Akeda to follow.  “No, your training today is different.  This is more of a mental exercise, and Master has a task for you.  It’s better to talk with him without interruption.”  Akeda stood and followed, a look of disgruntled bewilderment about him.  He was directed around the mat where the other students were to a small door near the back, leading to a clearing behind the academy.  Following Benji outside, he spotted his master sitting on his knees, eyes closed, meditating. As they walked through the door, Akeda’s mind was alive with thoughts; some made sense, while some were utter fantasy.


     It was a single tapestry, he reasoned with himself, and it was probably older than Master, I don’t see why I’m going to get punished for accidentally starting it on fire.  I’ve seen others do worse.


      “Sir, he’s here,” Benji announced as he came to attention next to the door.  Akeda pushed his way around Benji and looked at the master as he slowly rose to his feet, as if lifted by an invisible force.


      Master Hiru was an elderly man, his face and hands wrinkled and dry.  As he rose to his full height, easily a foot taller than Akeda, who was barely over five and a half feet tall, he opened his arms ever so slightly, hands at waist height, barely visible under the sleeves of his robe. “Thank you Benji, you may go.  Akeda, are you ready for your lesson?”  His robe, a bright white, lined with dark red stitching, swayed ever so gently in the wind, his hood resting atop his head, showing his aging white hair.  As Hiru looked at Akeda, their eyes locked, and Akeda noted the fierce flames in Hiru’s forest green eyes.


      “Yes, Master,” Akeda said simply, traversing the small walkway to a cushion directly in front of Hiru.  He plopped onto the pillow, his knees making a small thump as they landed, his imagination going wild at what was about to happen.


      His thoughts tapered off as Hiru looked down and began talking.  “I know that your lessons are supposed to be inside with the rest of the students, but as I’m sure you’ve figured out already, this is not going to be an ordinary lesson.  You’ve exceled at your studies and your wielding is above average for your age.  You’ve even managed to surpass some graduates that left this academy years ago.”  Hiru motioned for Akeda to his feet and waited until he had done so.


     “The reason for this… unusual lesson is not what you might think,” Hiru continued, turning to walk down the small brick path.  “As you know, this academy is to help students learn to accept, understand, and harness their fire-wielding, but this is not entirely the case.  It is a place to train soldiers, warriors.” Hiru stopped moving after he had created a ten foot gap between them.


     “You are a prodigy, Akeda. I saw that when I found you on the street so many years ago.  This place needs heroes, it needs protecting, and THAT is why this academy was created.  As dragons, demons, and other horrors continue to attack the kingdom, we occasionally need to replace soldiers who have given up the fight, fled, or died.  It’s not just fire-wielders in the army, as I’m sure you could guess. There are also those who can wield other elements, mermaids from the oceans, elves from the forests, the avians and dragonkin from the mountains, as well as regular humans.  All are on the front lines, and all are trying to protect our homes.”  Hiru turned, his robe swirling, the fire ever brighter in his eyes.  A look of savagery and hunger hung over his face as he stared at Akeda, “Show me what you learned.  You don’t hold back, and I’ll see if you’re up to my task.”


     Hiru’s hands came up to his face and with a wave, a jet of flames erupted from his palm, directly at Akeda. 

[Proto Triose]

I'm only sad because my paws are very clumsy on a computer keyboard and closed a window when I was so far into a review I've owed you for a few days. I admit that I wasn't expecting full chapters - I was very pleasantly surprised to see it! So let's go right into it.

I love what you've done with this story. The nightmare scene was so well done, in that you really draw the reader into it, then abruptly cut it off. It makes it feel much more like we're waking up with Akeda, and any parallel people can draw with one of your characters makes them that much more real.

You can really tell how much you care about your story and your world with the amount of attention you pay to detail - I still feel like I could actually hear the clanging of the blacksmith's hammer, and how the town has begun to accept him as a part of their lives. Any time an author's passion for their work comes through, it makes everything in the story more enjoyable, and I could really feel that in what you have here.

I loved the touch of the fire coming out of the teacher's fingertip to accentuate the importance of being on time, that was fun to picture. Then he jumps right in to worrying about Akeda; that's the sign of a good teacher. Someone you, and the character, can trust and like.

Now for my usual couple things I noticed. You can take any of these as helpful, or if they're not, just forget about it. They're all simply tips that might help you; on the other side of the coin, they might not. One small thing, and this is easily the smallest, is the teacher saying Oi at first made me believe he was going to have more of an accent. I say it can be easily written off because maybe that's how he says "Hey", in the same way Megamind said "Ollo" instead of Hello. Just something to remember if you meant for him to have an accent, keep throwing in small things like that so I hear it in his voice and am reminded to read it in that way.

Be aware of using the same descriptive term. There's nothing wrong with re-using words, just not close together. I saw it a couple times with "Sure that he was sure" for an example. The mind will pause, consciously or not, and think "didn't I just see that word?" If they're too close. I'm as guilty as anyone else of doing it - that's what the editing process is for. Just to avoid that small hitch in the story while the brain is trying to create an image. It can be jarring, unless it's necessary to use it. You can only describe fallen trees in so many ways, so I'll be the first to say I get it.

The last thing was only really in one spot. Not something you need to fix, not something detrimental in any way. Just something I want to point out so you might see it and be aware of it next time. When Akeda "retorted," the choice of retorted seemed a bit much for the situation. A retort is a comeback, or a defensive statement fired back at someone.

"You're an idiot."
"Takes one to know one." He retorted.

Used something like that. In the context, it felt like a strong reaction to what the teacher said.

I can't wait to read more from you! Don't take any of those as truly negative - they're all stylistic to a point, and you shouldn't sacrifice how you write just to fix minor blips. Your work is truly very good, and something I would love to see everyone reading someday. Keep it up! I'll be waiting *points over to the corner* over there for the next part.

Sorry it took so long to get this up!

[BlueWolf]

Thank you for the support Proto, I really appreciate the long post!  When I started writing it, like I said, this was planned for a legitimate sized book (a couple hundred pages).  After I posted, I looked back and figured that was going to be really daunting for a reader who would normally expect something quick.  I debated on just leaving the nightmare out, but the location it was being posted, I left it in to be a hook of some kind to draw someone in to wanting to read the next part. Fire from the teacher's fingertip was actually added in AFTER I was well past that section and was rereading it (I laughed out loud when I seen this happen in my head, so I had to put it in).


As for your pointers...


The only reason I put"Oi" in there is because I say it.  I'm from Minnesota, so there's not much of an accent, but "Oi" is a mannerism I said once and just kind of stuck to it.  It grabs people's attention when you hear it across the room. 


"Sure that he was sure" bugs me a little, I'll be fixing those as I find them again.  I understand that it's a stop phrase (I find those in professional printings, and they drive me up a wall), and I thought I was careful enough to avoid them.  No one's perfect, after all! 


I chose retort because as this character develops, he's going to have a bit of a spit-fire temper that's going to get him in trouble, so some unnecessary venom is a little warranted to help get across the thought that "that was a bit of a reaction."


I'm definitely eager to post the next bit now!  I'll probably give it a couple more days so if anyone wants to give it a read, they can.

[Pegu]

Okay I finally got around to reading it, sorry it took me so long, but I have a lot to balance right now!


I'm enjoying it so far though - why were you shy about putting it up? 

[BlueWolf]

Okay I finally got around to reading it, sorry it took me so long, but I have a lot to balance right now!


I'm enjoying it so far though - why were you shy about putting it up? 

"You are your worst critic."  Apparently, I thought it was a lot worse than it actually is. 

[HellEye]

Yay I read it too

Starts great, I hope to see more soon! This time I'll read it faster I promise!
Yeah, I thought my story was bad too. Posting it here was a good idea for sure! Good luck with the writing!

[BlueWolf]

     With a shocked yelp, Akeda dove to the side, doing a forward roll, stopping poised, ready to move again.  Akeda tried to ask Hiru what he was doing, but before the words could form, Hiru had taken a step forward and made a jabbing motion like a boxer, and a bright blue ball of fire cascaded from his hand.  Akeda brought his hands up, palm over palm and his own fire sprouted to life.  It swirled, as if of its own agenda, and created a shield that covered his front, just in time for the fireball to get hit and absorbed.


     Wasting no time, Akeda sprang to his feet and closed the gap, a snarl on his face as he approached the fierce looking elder, hunger filling both of their eyes.  He yelled and let a hand fly as he turned, stomping on the ground. The dirt glowed around Hiru as he put his arms up to deflect the fist and a pillar of fire erupted from the earth like a miniature volcano behind him.  Akeda felt his hand connect with his master, but his plan for a quick finish failed.  Hiru stood fast, barely moving at the impact and he released the magic creating the pillar of flames.


     Hiru chuckled and jammed his palm into Akeda’s chest, sending a flame into Akeda that sent him reeling, singing and blackening his leather armor.  As Akeda tried to regain his balance, Hiru proceeded forward, unleashing a flurry of kicks and punches, each erupting in a torrent of flame.  Hiru’s face twisted into a fit of rage, growing worse with each burst, eventually overpowering Akeda and sending him to the floor.


     As Hiru stood over Akeda, his attack unrelenting, Akeda yelled as he lay sprawled on his back on the brick path, he hit the ground open-handed on either side of him with a smack.  Akeda felt the magic within start to drain as he watched Hiru disappear behind a wall of fire as a flaming cocoon enveloped him.  He concentrated with all of his might, hoping that the shield would last, the sound of fires starting and extinguishing against the shield ringing in his ears.


     Then all he could hear was the sound of his flaming haven.  He held the shield, convinced that it was a trap; as soon as he let the magic go, Hiru would be there to continue his onslaught.  “Enough,” he heard a gentle voice say, “we are done.”


     Hesitantly, he released the magic and his cocoon vanished with a flicker, the hot air surrounding him rushing to the wind.  Akeda looked up and seen Hiru standing over him, arms behind his back, smiling.  He did not have the look of someone who had just finished a fight, no exhaustion, like he had just woken up from a nap.  He reached out a leathery hand, and Akeda took it as he stood up.


     “How do you think you did?” Hiru ask him, as if asking a student a question that was beneath Akeda to answer.


     “Horribly,” was Akeda’s gruff reply.  He started to wipe the dirt from his outfit and looked over his armor, examining the destroyed leather.  “I only managed to hold you off for a few minutes.”


     “Ah, right, but wrong,” Hiru answered. He lifted a finger and pointed it skyward. “You were only able to hold your ground, but you also took an offensive.  Had you not tried to knock me off my feet, the fight would have been a lot shorter.  I underestimated you.  Not many people would accept the fight to begin with, let alone take an offensive approach against an old man.”


     Akeda’s head dropped, shame coming over him.  At this, Hiru let out a laugh.  “Don’t beat yourself up for it, you made the right decision.  To anyone, I may seem like an old man in a fancy robe, but you knew that unless you acted quickly, you would have been snuffed out,” Hiru coyly prodded.  “What is my main advantage over you?”
Akeda looked up, thoroughly confused.  Was this a trick question?  He knew that Hiru had an infinite amount of advantages.  He chose his words carefully as he stared at Hiru’s feet.


     “Knowledge, you know more about fire-wielding than anyone here.  You also control your rage, which is fundamental to creating, maintaining and controlling your fire.”


     “A textbook answer, but that’s not the answer I’m looking for.”


     “You’re older and stronger than me?”


     “What comes with age that makes someone stronger?”


     Akeda was quiet for a second before the obvious answer hit him.


     “Experience.”


     “Exactly!” Hiru beamed, placing both hands on Akeda’s shoulders. “You may be a prodigy among students, but you lack the experience of a true fire-wielder.  Some of your fellow students will never get past this stage.  After they graduate, they will use it for cheap tricks, failing to openly explore farther and enhance their skills.


     “That is why I am going to send you to gain experience and better yourself both as a fire-wielder and a person.  I have a job for you, one that I think you will enjoy.”  Hiru’s expression softened and, despite Akeda’s objections, ushered him through the door and back into the academy.

[HellEye]

Enjoyed it, the descriptions of magic are nice. I like descriptions of magic. Hope to see more of duels like that soon! Or a duel between elements! Yeah, has to happen!
*grabs popcorn and waits for more*

[Proto Triose]

The smell of popcorn brought me back here. I couldn't resist. But rest assured that every time I post a review, I try to leave something meaningful. I don't want great work to go unnoticed, and I want you to know that I do notice your work, just as much as everyone else's. I try to get around to commenting on everybody's writing, but there's so much to get to, it can be difficult sometimes. So, I apologize if it ever takes me a while to get back around to yours.

I loved the fight scene. It was very well done, and didn't go on longer than it needed to. Fairly often I read fight scenes that go on for pages and pages and pages. That's not necessarily a bad thing, per se, but I think it's a bit of overkill. A fight scene can be epic without being 20 pages long. There's a point in time when it's just too much, and the reader starts to lose focus because "Oh my god, just defeat him already." We'll call this the Dragon Ball Z phenomena. When one fight can last 26 episodes, and come on, are you serious? You avoided the DBZ phenomena quite well, keeping my attention all the way through and then ending it where it needed to be cut off.

A fight between a teacher and a student is always fun to read, but I especially like this one because it's not just a fight, but meant to continue teaching him things. And the use of asking the student how he thought he did was superb - really shows me how good of a teacher Hiru is. He's teaching even when the moment of teaching is over. I rather like him already. I hope at some point we get to see him battle other elements; I think that would be a thrill. I don't doubt we will, but keep that from me! No revealing too many secrets!

The only thing I can bring up to you, and this is not to embarrass in any way, is to be careful of sentence structure. I know what you meant, and I know precisely the flow of words that you were thinking with. I do the exact same when I'm writing, and I catch myself doing these minor descriptive errors all the time.

"Hiru's expression softened and, despite Akeda's objections, ushered him through the door and back into the academy."

The easiest way to catch what I mean is to remember that anything between two commas (unless it's a list of items, and even then, technically it still applies) should be able to be removed; it's an aside, in the same way two hyphens or two parenthesis split a thought. Given that's not always the case - sometimes that's not what they're meant to do, and grammatically it's acceptable, especially in a short story or novel. Removing the center makes the sentence nonsensical on some occasions, and that's okay. However, in this case I think you get what I mean; I don't think I need to explain too much further. You're a good enough writer to get it.

This sentence, without the break, states: "Hiru's expression softened and ushered him through the door and back into the academy."

Reading that, it sounds like Hiru's expression ushered him through the doors, and not Hiru himself. Again, your reader can very easily get what you mean. It's not a complex action and it's very obvious that his expression didn't lead him anywhere. But, since everything else was so well written in your story, I needed something that I could point out to bring your attention to. I try to be helpful in at minimum one way when I review. Even if it's not always something you really need to pay attention to.

Keep up the fantastic work! I can't wait to read the next part! *sneaks some of HE's popcorn*

[BlueWolf]

You know, I read your reviews and it helps me catch those little things. I know that the phrase between commas should be able to be removed and after rereading it, I said out loud "crap. Forgot the he.... I try to keep those things in mind.  I enjoy your critiques, it keeps writers focused on the little things. And yeah, I understand the DragonBall effect, and it's irritating sometimes... ill try to keep away from it.

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