Marquise Dragma's School of Magic - The darkness approaches

[HellEye]

So yeah. I did stuffs again. It was written before Proto's suggestions though, so it doesn't have as much acting as it could have and I didn't feel like writing some stuff again. I'll consider that in the next part.






Part VI - Meeting
Worried Tiberius is sitting in the hospital wing next to his friends, Seth and Narderan. They are both stable. Fox regained some of his inner magic, allowing his heart to beat on its own. The spirit has a bandage on his leg but he is healing fast. The Water Guardian wakes up. The wolf rushes to his bed and tries to put him down.
- No, stay in here, I’ll ask the medics to come
- We don’t have time for this - Replied the Fox and continued getting up, but the world spins around and forces him back onto the bed. Tiberius places his paw on a small gem inside the bed and a moment later a black panther in nurse’s outfit comes in. She checks Seth’s condition, waving her paws around his head and torso and after some time says:
- The level of magic in your body is very low right now, there is no way you’ll be able to walk any time soon, sir. A rough estimate is a month, and at least four months before you will be able to use any advanced magic.
- No way I’m staying here for that much… Is there a way to speed this up?
- We’ll try, sir. I can’t promise anything - she says as she leaves.
- Great… - sighs Seth.
- We’ll make you a Speaking Stone, You’ll be able to -
- I don’t like talking. There’s a meeting right? You better go there, I’ll be fine.
Tiberius leaves and heads for the Hall of the Elements.
In the hall four Guardians and the Archmage are discussing the events of the last couple of days. Dharma described everything she knows about the Darkness, not mentioning Seth’s spell on the volcano for now. All the other guardians listen. When she finishes there’s a bit of silence, broken by the Archmage.
- The situation is dire. We have to act fast, however I don’t know how. I will have to do research on that matter. You meanwhile should focus on locating the enemy and preparing for the fight if it occurs. - Tiberius opens the door and walks in. - I’m glad you joined us, Fire Guardian. How are they doing?
- Seth just woke up, but he won’t be able to fight for four months. - Replies the wolf
- You believe that? He will do anything to get back on his paws - Smiled Athene Silvertail, the Storm Guardian.
- This is a serious matter Guardians - Archmage Lupius says - We have to focus all resources we have on it. Consider informing the students. Find any stories, any rumors that can help find the goal of this… Creature. Good luck, Guardians!
Lupius Silvertail walks to his office next to the hall, when he leaves the five remaining Guardians start walking out too, thinking about the preparations they have to take. Dharma Thickscale follows the Archmage and asks for a private meeting. The old wolf invites her to his quarters.
The Keeper is lying in his bed next to Seth the Wild. His mind is in another world however. He floats around with great speed and sees everything beneath him. Not the trees, rivers or mountains however, he sees the elements flowing through all of these places. His head fills with with images of magical places. He sees not only the Waystones, but also other artifacts of the past eras of magic. Focuses, staves, Sources hidden in different places. One image is much stronger than the others however, yet feels weak. A staff. The Keeper sees it clearly. In a far away land, in a tomb of a powerful mage lies his biggest creation. Then, there’s a short blink of a scholar, a monkey. Only thing he feels after are two words, filling up his head.
Find him.
Narderan wakes up, sweating and breathing deeply. He doesn’t even feel the pain in his leg. Seth notices it but he doesn’t say anything. Even though his magic is not strong enough to let him walk he trained long enough to feel the changes around him. And he felt the same thing that happened to him not that long ago. A dream sent by a very powerful magic, even stronger than the Archmage’s. It showed him great arcane secrets that increased his magic capabilities beyond limits. He was curious what the Keeper saw, but it wasn’t intended for him. The spirit now has his mission in this world. The fox completed his for now. Maybe they’ll leave him alone finally.
The spirit leaves the room soon after, walking to find the scholar he was shown.
The monkey is waiting.






Well, not to puff myself up too much but I like the ending. I was thinking about what else to write here and it just came. Love that feeling.
See you tomorrow!

[Pegu]

Yaaay he lived! And I'll have to see if I can keep up with your daily additions 

[Proto Triose]

Finally a break in my work work work work work week. Not much of one, but enough to read this. I love the additions to explaining what happened a little bit. The spirit that gave him a vision, and how obscure the vision was. I'm excited to see where the next one goes. Knowing Seth (and this is a major win for character development, that I can saying "knowing ...") he'll go along anyway, weakened magic or not! I find myself drawn to his character, because I'm absolutely stubborn like that.

I think it will add a real dramatic flair to the story, making one of he strongest among them weaker for a time. Taking power away from someone who's used to power is a very strong blow for the character and reader alike, and I love that you're willing to "harm" a character in that way. It makes them more relatable and more real. It clarifies their mortality in a very stark light.

I think the only thing I would have liked to see more of is their weakened states at the beginning. It's a fantastic scene, and you needed to get to addressing the problem. This is one thing I know you'll add to, and you already addressed before the post. The same acting I mentioned before really makes the scene more powerful, personifies the characters and sets their mentality in stone.

Like I said, I already know you're adding more. There is absolutely no need to go back, keep plowing forward! You can add more to the scene if you want later. Take it as a good thing that your readers wanted to see more; that means you're doing your job as an author and keeping us craving more of your world!

You're really doing an awesome job with this story, HE! I'm seeing more and more coming into light, more twists and turns that maybe even you weren't expecting to sprout up. I absolutely love when that happens to me, and I love even more seeing it happens to you too!

Looking forward to your next scene, big time, even if it takes me a little while to get around to it. Keep throwing me those surprises! They're a thrill to read!

[HellEye]

I decided to slow down a bit, take some time off from writing. I did too much too fast I think. I want to get back on track now, after this part goes live I'll start the next one! Enjoy!
(Title is crappy I know, had absolutely no idea what else to do though )




Part VII - History lesson


The small white spirit walks through the school, following his instinct. He finds a door and stops. The door opens, behind it stands an old monkey. His fur was brown a long time ago, but has since turned dark gray. His eyes are that of a young, energetic and wise animal however. He invites the spirit in. Narderan walks in and sits down on the chair.


- I knew you would come. What did you see? - The scholar sits on another chair and leans forward, listening.


The spirit starts speaking. He knows the positions of Waystones, artifacts and Sources. Looking into the monkey’s eyes he knows the wise old teacher expects more. He recalls the strong image, almost burned into his mind. The staff. He tells everything he knows:


The staff was made by a powerful wizard and buried deep in some kind of temple. It can give full control of all the elements and create them, but it does need Sources for power. The monkey listens. When the Keeper is finished with the description old teacher says:


- I know what you speak of. It's a dangerous artifact and since you saw the vision it has to be important for us.
- Can I ask something? - The spirit’s curiosity takes over - First of all: who are you? And second: what was that vision?
- I'm Xander the Wise, or so they call me - the monkey smiles. - They keep telling me I should be the Archmage, that I should rule the school. But I'm happy as a teacher. Besides that my body couldn't keep up with the tasks... - He stops for a moment and sighs. - As for the second question: the vision was sent by a mage that lived on this world a long time ago. His power was so great he was able to trap his own soul in this realm, becoming a lich. His power was significantly lowered since he had no body to store or conduct the magic, but he is still to this day the most powerful mage to live, if you can call a soul trapped by magic living. The staff you described was made at the peak of his power. He was obsessed with knowledge, not caring about power, wealth or anything else, so he dedicated a lot of time to studies about the Sources. He found their secret and made the staff to control the power. The Elemental Key he called it, a powerful focus on it’s own, a weapon of destruction when combined with a Source. And now you know where it’s hidden. What do you do with that knowledge is yours to choose, but I’d recommend telling the Archmage. If the darkness gets to it first… - He stopped.


Narderan saw fear in his eyes. He knew what to do, the Guardians are the only ones that can keep it away from the Darkness. Getting up he said one last thing:


- I recalled something just now. I saw many sources when I had the vision, but one of them felt different. - The Keeper closes his eyes to look through the memory better - I think it was a different color than most of the others I saw. It was black.
- I felt this day would come. Go now, do your part in this story. - Says Xander the Wise as he sits behind his desk.


The spirit leaves to find out where can the Archmage be found.




Meanwhile in Archmage’s quarters Lupius Silvertail and Dharma Thickscale sit down, with the Earth Guardian looking overwhelmed by the recent events.


- What do you need. - Asks the wolf.
- May I speak freely? - Lupius nods - Seth did something. Nothing bad, he saved our lives. I have skipped this part in case it should stay in a small group. He cast a spell. A water spell. In a volcano, with almost no water around. - She pauses for some time, gathering her thoughts. - I think he was able to create water. - The Archmage still listens leaned forward, he doesn’t seem to be shocked though. - If it was on a small scale, making my robe wet, maybe creating a puddle I would be impressed, but not worried. - Another short pause, she takes a deep breath. - But he solidified the entire surface of the lava and there still was enough water to flow around. I’m sure Tiberius could drown if I didn’t pull him.


Archmage’s eyes open wider. Even if he was hiding his emotions earlier, they took over him now.
- I felt something inside him change some time ago, but I didn’t anticipate it had such a big impact on his abilities. Thank you for keeping this to yourself, I’ll decide what to do later. Until then, focus on the task - Lupius gets up and walks to the door, Dharma follows him.
- Of course, Archmage - She says as she bows - Thank you for your time.


She leaves, thinking about what should she do next. Lost in her thoughts the alligator doesn’t notice a small white creature making it’s way towards the quarters.




I hope you liked it as always! I feel there will be one or two more of these lore parts, then I hope some action will kick in!
Thanks for reading, love you all!

[Pegu]

*Sitting nearby with some popcorn for the next part* 

[Proto Triose]

I absolutely adore how many stories are coming out of the wood works here. I'm just sorry it takes me a little time to get to each one. I just want the time to dedicate to each one that they deserve. To me, this kind of talent that everyone shows here is not something I want to come in, gloss over, and say "Cool. Keep going." That's not a bad thing to do, but it's so much fun to read all of this that it's deserving of my attention.

There was such a difference between the two posts, it was like night and day. I pictured the old line "It's alive!" and it made me smile. Not that the other posts weren't, but I hope you can feel and see the difference with your characters. How much more animated they are, how much more it shows their thoughts and their demeanor. Like the Archmage, when his eyes opened wider. You didn't have to tell people "He was shocked." He showed it in his facial features. I really got a sense of how drastic the change was, could feel the importance of the change. Just from making him react visually, every character you write has a personality and reaction all their own.

From there, you'll start to see the characters react in a way opposite of how you were expecting the scene to go. Part of an author's job is to let your characters do what they would naturally do, and adjust accordingly. I can't tell you how many times Jade or Kayara has completely derailed a scene, but that's how they would genuinely react, so I had to leave it.

This is the most fun I've ever had reading other's stories. I remember not too long ago when two furs I know who are very important to me (I'm not going to name HE and Pegu) were telling me that their story wouldn't be more than ten pages, max. It's all too exciting to see a short story - one you think is small and quick - evolve into something much bigger and more intricate. And I see that in your story very vividly.

The addition of the old monkey and the staff, along with how it reacts to the Sources, shows how far it's gone in a short time. I loved the monkey, too - the fact he enjoys remaining a teacher endeared him to me right away. I hope I get to see more of him at some point. I love your background, too, on the history of the staff. It felt natural where it was, and it gave something to think about with the mage. Is he controlling the darkness? Did he do something to the new Source mentioned to cause the darkness to expand? Very well done with subtly putting questions in my mind. "Do your part in this story." I love subtle breaks like that, too, where the characters take it as something different, but as the reader I can think "Ha! Your part in this story."

The little white creature at the end was a really good cliff hanger to leave, too. I want to know what the little guy is up to!

Now there's only two things left to even address, and one of them doesn't count as anything because it comes from just writing. You're at the point where you're just refining your style, and I see that getting more and more ... apparent, I suppose is the right word ... every addition you make. You're standing out more and more as your own story teller. It's really encouraging and fantastic to see. I hope a lot of people are reading your posts, because it's definitely an encouragement that you -can- do it, even if you think you can't. As you've discovered, you might just end up surprising yourself.

And since I try to find things to help with, which I admit are becoming increasingly difficult with your work, there is only one thing that's not even really a big deal. I'm not a hundred percent sure it will help you, but I'll do my best to explain what I mean. As always, you can decide from there if it's helpful or not. "He knew what to do, the Guardians were the only ones who could keep it away from the darkness." I find myself still doing this same thing, so I'm not one to say it's easily avoidable. But with leaps of knowledge, embellish a little bit. How did he know that? Was there a knowledge he had, something that tipped him off? Things like this are kind of the reason Aria is around in my book. There's more to her than that, but she's the one that breaks it down and explains the why and the how.

I'll use Aria as that example, since I don't want to edit your personal work and color your writing with my voice. Her inner thoughts are written down so the reader can follow; either she speaks them out loud while thinking it through, or I let you follow her thought process.

"I'm only proposing it as a last ditch option. The intelligence here is offering us things that we have no hope of answering. Since we don't know the origins of them, nor do we know the origin of the answers ... Confronted with unknowns, I propose we answer with unknowns. Jack."

Where I could have said

"Jack is the best choice." Aria knew he was. The others did too.

But her explanation brought the reader up to date with the thought process, and opened up an entire scene with the entire crew responding. I hope that made sense and helped some! If it didn't, then it didn't. But this is really the only thing I could see. Like I told Pegu, other than editing, it's harder and harder to find anything I can point out to you. You're getting more and more detailed, more and more characters and subplots, fun magic. I have no doubts I'll be devoid of things to say in a matter of a post.

You're a fantastic writer. Now, if you don't mind. *Sits next to Pegu and grabs a pawfull of popcorn* I'm gonna wait with Pegu here for the next part. I need to see what happens!

[HellEye]

Just finished it, so here it is! Enjoy as always! A bit shorter I feel like, but it rounds up the talky stuff and introduces the action part nicely I feel like.





Part VIII - Change of plans

The Archmage is lost in thoughts. So much so that he doesn’t notice the door to his quarters open. Sitting on the chair next to the desk, he twitches his ears as they detect a sound:

- I’m sorry to interrupt, sir…

The wolf jumps a little at the sight of the tree spirit. He calms down fast and says:
- You must be Narderan. What do you need Keeper?
- I’m not the Keeper anymore, sir.
- Please, not sir. Makes me feel old.
- Of course, si… Of course. I need to tell you about something. I had a vision. I’ve seen many things, but two of them are more important than the others, or so thinks master Xander. - The Archmage leans forward, listening.

Narderan describes everything he knows about The Elemental Key and the black Source he saw. The Archmage listens carefully, he doesn’t ask any questions. Magical visions are one of the few parts of magic that should be approached with great caution. While it’s much easier to show an image, it’s equally possible to create one from scratch. The amount of details the spirit describes however makes the vision much more believable. Narderan even mentions the location of the tomb which holds the staff. When he finishes, the wolf thinks for some time. He finally says:

- I will gather the Circle once again. With this information we won’t have to look blindly for the next goal of the Darkness. From what you said about the Source I can deduce that we didn’t detect one and it was taken and corrupted by the evil. If the enemy finds the staff too, we’re in big trouble. Is there a way to get there quickly? Without Seth and with great distance separating us from it we won’t be able to send too many Guardians at once. - The spirit thinks for a while, then his eyes open wider.
-I think there is one possibility. About a day of walking from the Tomb there’s a waystone that looked intact and was still emitting power. It’s probably not faster than the teleport spell but it can transport everyone. Tiberius also knows how to open it to get back here.
- It’s perfect. I’ll inform the Guardians right away - He pulls a small yellow gemstone and waves around it. - Thank you for the information. I have to ask you one last thing. Will you be able to open the Waystone for us?
- Of course. It’s my job!

Both of them get up and leave, Narderan going to his room in the hospital wing, the Archmage heading to the Hall of the Elements. After a couple of minutes all the Guardians besides Seth are there too. Lupius starts speaking:

- I’m sorry for getting you all here the second time, but I’ve got new information regarding the problem. Narderan, the tree spirit, had a vision showing him the location of a powerful artifact. It should be our next goal to secure it. You can use the Waystone that is near to travel there, then you’ll have to move fast. I don’t think my body is able to move at a decent speed, so I’ll have to stay here. I trust that your abilities will suffice. Dharma, you should talk with the Keeper to get an idea of where to look for the entrance. Rest for now, tomorrow at dawn we’ll make the preparations.
The Guardians listen to the Archmage and when he’s finished they leave to their rooms. No reason to talk among themselves nor with the Archmage, in the world ruled by magic plans change like flowing water. Every member of the circle goes to bed early, knowing they won’t have that pleasure for some time.

The Darkness however doesn’t sleep, and is more powerful than before thanks to the Source it possesses now. It can move faster and not leave any trace behind itself. It knows about the Elemental Key and will try to get it before the Mages can. Then it will be one step closer to covering the entire world in eternal night.



A bit shorter I feel like, but it rounds up the talky stuff and introduces the action part nicely. Thanks for reading, Love you all!

[Pegu]

Hooray! More Narderan! (I love this little treeborn you've made  )


I'm not as big a talker as Proto, sorry, but, I like it yet again! 

[Firox]

*sorry if I keep forgetting to leave comments*
I'm kind of like Peg - still kind of new at giving lots of feedback
it has caught my attention since the start


going to do something similar to Peg - I'll grab a big bowl of chicken wings and wait for the next parts

[Proto Triose]

Chicken wings? *sniffs the air and starts leaning toward Firox's bowl of wings, then stops* Hey, wait, I don't talk ... Alright, I do. But it's with good reason! Especially with your stories. As I said, I had no doubt you would leave very little for me to nitpick, and you didn't. Every post just gets better and better. I noticed you even started breaking up the dialogue lines more - not that you didn't before, but I recognized after reading through that I didn't have a difficult time in any location determining who was speaking.

The other reason I didn't is the personality you're giving your characters. Look at Narderan (I love him, but I still think Seth is my favorite); demure to the Guardians and elders above him, but a strong - and strong-willed - spirit. When you can write dialogue without specifying who's talking, and your reader can instantly say "Oh, that's definitely Seth" then you're doing something write. It lessens the necessity for dialogue tags, which means your work isn't a chore to read.

I have to point out "plans change like flowing water," because I liked that analogy very much. The smallest hitch in a plan (or the smallest change a character unexpectedly makes to a story) can send the river diverging on multiple different courses. And blanketing the world in eternal night, all the small things about the darkness. The minor mention of the fact it can move a lot faster really showed the need for haste - and you didn't even have to spell that out! That is a prime example of following one of my most important tenants in writing. "Trust your reader." You trusted that by mentioning that, I would get the urgency behind them waking up and moving. You didn't spell it out, which can make some people think "Yeah, I got that." When you spell out the obvious, you're telling your reader you think they're too dumb to put the simple pieces together, and believe me - the reader knows it.

The small dialogue, before I forget, where you had him say "Don't call me sir." Loved it. It just added to his character, as well as Narderan's.

The only thing I can really give you from here are suggestions, and those are take them or leave them in the most extreme sense because it's borderline style changing. We all know I don't want that at all.

You can add more in some places, stretch out the scene a little bit and add more to it. Make the vision really come to life! When you put "Narderan even mentions the location of the tomb." You can have that in dialogue - true, you'd be repeating the vision sequence. But instead of us reading along with it (which was very well done) now we can see Narderan's interpretation. In this case, repeating it is okay, because you're really not repeating, per se. You're giving us an alternate perspective and helping us see how they reached their conclusions.

There's nothing wrong with a scene that has no actual fights or magic flying around. This one is not a suggestion, really more of a compliment and an encouragement than anything. You can make a dull scene less "boring" via your characters. I have plenty of talking scenes in my book - unfortunately, it's necessary. But when I have all six of the main characters in one room, even when just answering questions sparks fly. Your characters don't give each other as much hell as mine do, though, so a better example would be Ada in Jo's Chambers. While they're talking and discussing boring contracts, she explores his office and touches a Sunshock flower that stores the lights energy as a defensive mechanism, shocking anything that comes near. It's small, but it adds a break in the monotone contract debates. I'm not saying follow my example, but so you can see what I mean.

That scene was by no means boring, but if you feel something ever is and your writing is boring even you, throw in something random (that makes sense with the scene, of course) to mix it up. If you're bored writing it, I can assure you the reader is too.

Like I said, it's terribly borderline style changing, so I don't want you to even consider it if it feels like it compromises -you- and your wonderful ability to tell a story. There's a reason you have at minimum three of us waiting in the wings for every post, and I'm sure plenty of lurkers who are just afraid to post. I'm sure especially after my bibliography sized responses. X.x

Waiting with *sniffsniff* chicken wings for the next part! Especially because you said there's more magic and spell throwing. You have a talent with magic. -^.^-

... Don't talk a lot. Was only like a page or so.

[BlueWolf]

Proto has a point near the end of his post, for every one poster giving feedback, there's usually one or two hiding that just haven't posted.  I read this a little while ago, and I was guilty of forgetting to post anything about it.  For English not being your native language, you do extremely well in your writing!  I'll definitely be keeping up on this!


*plops next to the rest and sniffs the wings*