[Critique Request]

[guest22811]

My friend wrote a chapter for his upcoming book, Mary and Sue.


He wanted critique, so please check it out!


   “Mary, why are we here again?” Sue had her hair cut short and wore a leather jacket. She was shivering on the ramparts along the cliff. The seaside cliffs of Brightdawne were renowned across the world for very little other than that they were extremely high, straight, and well-defended. Behind the walls, however, sat the Grey Altars, which were known throughout the kingdom for not only being white marble rather than grey, but also for being one of the Great Temples of the Elderkingdoms.
   “Sue, you know we come here after every quest. This is the thirty-second time we’ve come here! When will you learn?”
   “Well, why do we do this? Can’t we just go home and sit on our loot? That’s what pretty much every other successful quester does until someone drags them off. Why do we have to come here and get more shit to do?”
   “Because, Sue, the people need us.”
   “What have the people ever done for us?”
   “They trust us to keep them safe!”
   “And what do we get in return?”
   “We get to see the world! All the people, and the views, and the food…”
   “So for working our asses off and putting our lives on the line, we get the wonderful privilege of being able to see more of this hellhole we live in than the average person does?”
   “Well…”
   “Well?”
   “What would the world do without us?”
   “It keeps on turning. The earth doesn’t care. Without us life goes on. Someone else takes our place, the universe keeps operating.”
   “Well, you admit that someone has to do this. Part of why we do this is so that someone else doesn’t have to.”
   “And what great debt do we owe this hypothetical person?”
   “Nothing. We do this out of the goodness of our hearts and to keep the world a beautiful place.”
   “What beauty? A few things might change here and there; kingdoms will fall, rules will change, but everything’s still at base the same horrible, ugly millennia-old cesspit of self-interest. Our kingdom’s no different, you know.”




Thanks!

[Silverside]

Hullo all. I'm the author.

Please keep any feedback as brutally honest and constructive as possible, and if you're providing solutions to fix any problems, please state the problem that the solution is aiming to fix.

I'm prolly gonna be posting updates when I hit milestones later on. As is evident, I so far have very little written down, and I'm working pretty slowly.

Thanks in advance.