Surviving

[Gabag]

It was a solemn solemn evening.  The weather was starting to get worse, a simple rain shower turned into a full fledged storm.

Of course Charles couldn't have known that, now with all the news stations being off the air. The man was walking down an empty freeway, away from the skyscrappers of New York City. The Freeway had cars strewn about, making motor transportation without something the size of a motorcycle impossible. Charles wasn't so lucky to have a motorcycle, only a bicycle.

He rode along in lonesome silence, as rain battered him from all sides, and heavy winds assailed him. The man himself was dressed in a hastily thrown on overcoat, recently splattered in mud, a snow cap and a scarf to protect his head from the elements, and business pants and shoes . To his left he carried a small knapsack to hold everything he would need in the immediate future, that is if he needed to break something... or someone open. On his back, he carried all his essentials, such as food, and if necessary, a small folding tent if he had to take shelter from the elements immediately.

He was barely in control of his bike, with the wind and all, and with the cars strewn about blocking his path, it just made it increasingly harder for him to maneuver around. The bike wasn't even his, just something from one of the neighbor kids he managed to scavenge. He considered how ridiculous it must be to ride a bike in such drastic times, but this freeway proved his instincts right. Soon he reached an exit ramp, which made it easier for him to move around, and immediately stopped under the overpass. It was getting dark soon, and since his only light source ran out of battery hours ago, it was no use stumbling in the dark.

Thunder soon came, and after a little effort and swearing, Charles managed to get the tent open and slid inside. He had his sleeping bag laid out, along with a pillow. But tonight he couldn't sleep, out of fear mainly. He dug into his pocket and found his earplugs and put them in, for the moaning might be loud tonight, even over the storm.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

This sounds great, and I sincerely hope it's not about zombies, because painting it to be zombies and it turning out to be something much worse is very cool.
There's great ideas here and a good sense of what you want to show, but there are problems.

It jumps between past and present tense.
More description of atmosphere could help. Metaphors are useful in such complete changes to the norm.

The main problem, however, is that you should show instead of tell.

To his left he carried a small knapsack to hold everything he would need in the immediate future, that is if he needed to break something... or someone open

Why not just say what's in the knapsack and let people wonder why he has it. The setting will fill in the blanks.

The bike wasn't even his, just something from one of the neighbor kids he managed to scavenge.

you could describe the bike in a way that seems like it's clearly meant for a child, so people will wonder why a grown man is riding it. Again, the setting fills in the blanks.

But tonight he couldn't sleep, out of fear mainly

Describe the state he's in. Wide darting eyes, fists clamped around whatever's in his knapsack.


But yeah, good work, this is sounding good.

[Gabag]

can you elaborate on the past/present tense switching a little bit more. I was never good at that sort of thing so i might need an example to help me with this. Along with metaphors, i'm horrible at making metaphors.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Of course Charles couldn't have known that, now with all the news stations being off the air. The man was walking down an empty freeway

You say "NOW with all the..." and then say "The man WAS walking." It's simple stuff.



The way I do metaphors is to look at something and just think of what it looks like. What kind of feeling you get off of it. Or what kind of feeling you want to create. For example, the many cars just left on the freeway. They're useless now. spilling over onto the freeway, like corpses.
The rain and wind roaring and thrashing, in violent fits of rage...
If you want it to feel violent, then say that it's violent. But try not to be too simplistic about it. It's giving things a personality and an aura to them.


Reading it over again, there are simple problems

It was a solemn solemn evening

No need for 2 solemns

The man was walking down an empty freeway, away from the skyscrappers of New York City. The Freeway had cars strewn about

You say the freeway's empty, and then say it's covered in cars

He rode along in lonesome silence, as rain battered him from all sides, and heavy winds assailed him

You can't really be silent when being blasted by the elements. And saying that he's lonesome is telling rather than showing. Show he's lonely by the sheer lack of humanity.

[Gabag]

aye aye sir! And thanks for the new criticisms, much appreciated.

I'm training for the horrors ahead by playing System Shock 2
it's terrifying

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

SHODAN is queen

[Gabag]

Indeed she is.... insect.

ANYWAYS

As Charles tried to sleep, the moaning drew louder. That could only mean one thing, he was found. Opening the tent, he reached into his knapsack and pulled out a bloody pipewrench. He scanned the area around him, seeing only wrecked cars and highway. Sweat beat down his forehead, as he got the nagging feeling to run, but knew from experience not too. He took a few steps away from his tent, and sure enough he heard an something lunge at the tent and knocked it over. The thing silenced it's moaning and glanced around the area. With it's nightvision it quickly spotted the survivor, and let out a blood curdling scrrech, shattering the windows of several cars. The thing leapt up from the heap that was the tent and bounded at Charles, were it not for the uneven pavement under it's claws, it would've had him already.
 

The man prepared to hit the beast squarely upside the head, and swung, but found nothing but air. They were faster then he thought. It sidestepped his swipe and tackled him to the ground. With the thing now on top of him, Charles got a better look at the monstrosity. It had the facial structure of a human, but horribly mutated. The eyes were completely replaced with reptilian eyes, glowing yellow in the darkness. It's nose remained human, but had bulbous growths on it. The mouth was widened, and filled with row after row of shark like teeth.

The thing was trying to clamp these teeth onto Charle's neck, but with a bit of effort, lifted the thing off his chest and threw it to the side. While it recovered he grabbed his pipe wrench and bashed it in the back of the head. He winced as he heard the sickening crunch of the back of it's skull breaking, but proceed to bash it two more times till it's head was pulp. Breathing heavily, he fumbled in his knapsack for his flashlight to get a better look at the thing.

The The legs were mutated back in the stature of a raptor, but were also designed for speed. The creature's arms were elongated, and the fingers gave way to wicked, curved claws. This particular one's claws were bloodied, probably from another victim. He put the flashlight away and was about to sit down, when he heard a very static radio.

"OK Gose - Seven, Hunter Two-Three's vitals are gone, possible rouge hunter or Unenlightened, I repeat possible rouge hunter of Unenlightened."

Thinking quick, Charles took his bike and hid it under a BMW, and climbed through the smashed windshield of the car.
He went into the back and laid down, and held his breath.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

There's some good ideas in this. Personally I find the radio chatter to be blatant about the twist in the tale, but hey that's just me. It's a purely subjective idea and other people will certainly have opposing opinions.

as for the story itself, it works well, but is just a bit too dry. there's no sense of getting the reader to FEEEL what's happening.

here's the notes I made.

As Charles tried to sleep, the moaning drew louder. That could only mean one thing, he was found.

This needs more suspense, more build up. The audience should be asking "ohhh will he be found? won't he? what's gonna happen? Will he run away, or risk it just in case he hasn't been found?"

The thing silenced it's moaning and glanced around the area. With it's nightvision it quickly spotted the survivor, and let out a blood curdling scrrech, shattering the windows of several cars. The thing leapt up from the heap that was the tent and bounded at Charles, were it not for the uneven pavement under it's claws, it would've had him already.

Calling it the thing is all well and good, but this would be tremendously improved with a bit of description. Not enough for people to know what it is just yet, but something obscure and almost metaphorical and poetic that gives people that horror and fear at what could possibly be attacking him.

squarely upside the head

Sounds a bit silly for such a serious fight.

They were faster then he thought.

Surely he's seen them before. He knows what they are, he knows what they do. the city is deserted because of them. It seems weird that he would be surprised by such a thing.

With the thing now on top of him, Charles got a better look at the monstrosity.

I don't think the first thing he would think about would be to get a look at the thing. Mix its attacks with the description. "It tried to bite with a widened mouth bristling with teeth from its mutated human face." something like that. something that keeps up the pace and the danger and horror.

also,

The eyes were completely replaced with reptilian eyes, glowing yellow in the darkness

he should have noticed that before. You don't really need to say it has night-vision if you just put the glowing eyes bit there instead.

He winced as he heard the sickening crunch of the back of it's skull breaking

Put the skull breaking first, since the attack is rapid, then show the wincing reaction as he hits it twice more.

The legs were mutated back in the stature of a raptor, but were also designed for speed

show don't tell. How were they designed for speed. Dont say mutated, Make the words harsh and visceral.

gave way to wicked, curved claws

No need for wicked.

This particular one's claws were bloodied, probably from another victim.

no need for all this. Just say it was splashed with blood.

he heard a very static radio

written like that, it means the radio isn't moving. There's no such thing as very static. You could say loud static, harsh static, scraping static, piercing static. Show how it sounds, make people feel it.

OK Gose - Seven, Hunter Two-Three's vitals are gone, possible rouge hunter or Unenlightened, I repeat possible rouge hunter of Unenlightened

does hunter two-three have a radio? why? can it talk on this radio?

Thinking quick

show don't tell. How does one act when thinking quick? describe things in a fast paced way.

"rouge hunter"

you mean rogue, right?

Charles took his bike and hid it under a BMW, and climbed through the smashed windshield of the car.

only one "and" allowed per sentence, and should be the join for the last clause. which basically means take away the first and. It doesn't fit.





But all in all, good work. It is an intruiging story.

[Gabag]

Why does writing have to be so difficult?

Post Merge: June 29, 2010, 12:18:37 AMAlso if i explain the hunter's it will spoil too much, but I have a few tricks up my metaphorical sleeve when it comes to the plot twist

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Why does writing have to be so difficult?

I'm judging you at very high standards considering what skill level of writing you're at right now. Writing things is incredibly easy, it's just that as it is right now, your story will join the millions of the unskilled amateurs out there. There are a few people who are capable of punching past that point. The issue is, what do you want to do with this writing? Is it just a hobby for your spare time? then there's no reason to break your back over it. If you want it published, then yes, it's hard work and it'll take a lot of time with pretty much no reward.

Also if i explain the hunter's it will spoil too much, but I have a few tricks up my metaphorical sleeve when it comes to the plot twist

Brilliant

[Gabag]

Eh it's just hobby writing, but still

[KittKat chunky~]

Okay Gab, lets see what we got here.....

I really liked the beginning you wrote, it doesnt give away much of whats happening, why the city is deserted etc... and thats good... it kept me interested...

I agree with Asia, try to make the reader feel whats happening, rather than just outright explain it.... the begining to the second section, where the creature is getting closer would be perfect for tension build-up.... namely because the reader still has no idea what it is.... many would be thinking, slow zombies moaning or somthing...

Which then leads perfectly to a sudden explosive fight between somthing that is obviously much worse... like Asia said, try to be really disgusting and savage with your descriptions, and if you can, mix desciptions into the fight... it will help the reader slowly build up a picture, while maintaining the violence and speed of the combat...

All in all, i liked it    i wanna see where you take this.... And i write just for a hobby too, its good fun 

So yeah... bring on the next section!