The FireWind Chronicles that Time Forgot

[flames]

Well, I've had the idea for this story going around a long time and I intended to make it a late Xmas gift to my readers...except now it's a late late Xmas present omg
Anyway, this story is a load of insane nonsense. Despite actually happening, it has no plot signifigance or character development. I advise you to read my other works to fully enjoy this. Thank you.

The Incredibly Epic Tale That Time Forgot, Episode One: We couldn't think of a better title...
Space. An endless void filled with dark secrets, the bitter scent of pain and numerous plotholes. A darkness that engulfes the universe, the fear in our hearts...it is infinite and ever-expanding. Asteroids, comets, planets and the stars: all together in a harmonic celestial movement as a giant toaster streaks towards a familiar blue planet called...Wait. Giant toaster? This wasn't in the script! Pfft, I'm outta here, get yourselves a new narrator.

Flames awoke to the sound of birds chirping and saw all his friends from the past make their way over to him. Instantly he lept up, drawing his weapon. "Alright Gods, what sad trick is it this time as things are clearly too good to be true?" The fiery anthro demanded, not expecting a response. To his suprise a disembodied voice replied in a booming voice: "Quite right, HoKaze no Flames. You're dreaming. I advise you wake up before your toaster spacepod crashes and you die...yet again for the 7045th time..."
"Wait, who are-" Flames started to say before he heard a crash and everything went black...

Meanwhile, on the planet's surface, a battle to decide who lives and who dies is taking place, both nameless, minor characters staring intensely at one another with such tension that the entire planet could have been holding it's breath.
"It's time to settle this problem once and for all..." One of them stated. "The only question is how?"
At this the other snorted and replied with a wagging finger: "Simple. We shall duel to the death...by playing a harmless and pathetic children's card game!"

And so the pair of totally worthless characters with absolutely no plot significance fought on, wasting valuable plot development and angst time to trick the reader into thinking the world actually has individual characters, when the truth is only the main characters and a bunch of faceless clones (known as minor characters) exist. In any matter, the two played their children's card game, using the most epic and powerful creatures in the game, like "Xan 2.7 Vista the Warlord", "Krai the flying tank of disembowelment", "The lame Card of wimpy weakness" and of course, "Ultra-Mega Pet Rock".

It just so happened that the toaster/space pod/plot device was headed right towards them, clearly visible in the trippy multicoloured sky.
"Wait...did you summon the 'Crashing Toaster' trap card?"
"No, why do you a-"
And with a mighty crash that shook the planet to its core, the toaster containing Everyone's Favourite Heroâ„¢ finally impacting, the cloud of dust caused by it blotting out the sky, the earthquake triggered by it killing tens of thousands, the shiny metal surface blinding countless innocents and the perfectly cooked toast that flew out were as silent and deadly as ninja assasins, the two slices seeking out and eliminating the world's leaders one by one.

And in the midst of all this chaos (because naturally all intelligent life depends on tedious children's card games being finished) Flames awoke once more...

[Vince the Dark]

Heh. Somehow this reminds me of Douglas Adams' writing. Complete nonsense that is very funny and still makes the story continue against all odds. Lovely. ^-^

[Somebody]

Nice, and clinically insane start to a new story you got there Flames. What kinda madness besets Flames now? Guess only you will know.

[flames]

Chapter 1 is now officially finished. Enjoy!

[Dr. Strange]

very good. I like it, Flames.

[Vince the Dark]

That indeed is a lot like Douglas Adams, like I said in my last post. Funny, with lots of completely irrelevant things that don't have much essential meaning to story itself. Very good, nii-san.

[flames]

Sorry for the massive delay...Especially considering this "Xmas present" is still being wrote just before Valentine's/Crawl-in-a-hole-and-die Day...>_>"

Hyper Xtreme Parody Paradox Warrior Episode II: Yes, this is going to be a running joke.
Flames immediately leapt into action, soaring through the air with incredible speed and grace as he performed a few flips. Sadly, his action wasn't landing in a battle-ready pose or unleashing a barrage of slashes. Instead, he landed flat on his face, instantly losing any chance he had of getting his own movie. Brushing himself off as he rose to his feet blushing, he failed to notice the black-clad, axe weilding madman behind him. The delusional and much feared murderer edged closer and closer to his prey, lifting his weapon up and about to strike......only to slip on the remains of a children's trading card, thus sending his axe flying into the air as he fell. Flames turned around just in time to see him decapitated by his own axe. Ouch.
Already pondering on the strange nature of this planet, and perhaps even this Universe as a whole, he set off towards the nearest town. This is a rather predictable and boring event for several reasons. Firstly, we all know that Flames, as the main character, will have to interact with dozens of two-dimensional, bland NPCs and gather infomation from their tiny brains through repetitive talking sequences. Secondly, several of these NPCs will no doubt complain about something or other, forcing Flames to go on a tedious sidequest to obtain an item that has some plot signifigance but is otherwise useless. And finally he'll end up going to Whereverâ„¢ on a Really Big Important Questâ„¢, wondering how the heck he got into this mess.

In any case, the bored Anthro warrior dashed off to his next destinadion, rather annoyed that whilst on the map screen he could only walk or jog rather than run. Oh yes and the random encounters, they tend to be very annoying when-

<A Demonic Mathbook appeared! WTF!?>
#Cue battle music#
<What will Flames do?>
-Attack
-Defend
-Magic
-Item
-Flee
[Attack -> Flames slashed with the X-Sabre]
[Hit 4 times for 230 damage!]
<Demonic Mathbook cast Multiply......Success!>
<There are now 3 Demonic Mathbooks!>
<What will Flames do?>
-Attack
-Defend
-Magic
-Item
-Flee
[Magic -> Flames cast...Ultima]
[All enemies -9999 HP!]
<The enemies were defeated!>
#Cue Victory Theme#
<Flames gained 200 credits and 30 EXP points>
<Key Item recovered: Child's Math Homework>

[Vince the Dark]

 :shcoked: Nuuu! A Demonic Mathbook! Run for your lives!


Anyways... Really fun chapter to read. Keep it up bro. ^.=.^

[flames]

Wow, this thread needs more readers... -_-' On with this nonsense pretending to be a meaningful story:

Final Fanta Sea III: Return of the Card Games
Satisfied with his triumph over that random enemy, Flames succesfully managed to walk another two steps before encountering another random enemy. This may take a while, as the town is a good mile away...
457 pointless battles later and he finally entered the town, a long trail of ripped schoolbooks, burned chemistry teachers and decapitated George Bush clones in his wake. Sighing in relief that all the battles were over, the slightly tired and annoyed Anthro look the time to take in his surroundings: Bright, oddly coloured buildings standing tall in the sunlight, random blurry people walking back and forth and a sparkling turquoise river running through the centre of it all. It truly was a peaceful place where nothing could ever go wrong. Nope, nothing would ever go wrong here, nothing at-

It was at that point that a small bunny rabbit suddenly jumped out of the river, causing the blurry, nameless people to scream and shuffle away even further into the background. Flames could only raise an eyebrow as everyone fled and random objects like the Fanta billboards and cars spontaneously combusted into flames, turning the town into an inferno of confusion. Pondering on why the town even had cars or billboards when it looked like it was from an old, generic-RPG time period, Flames remained standing there as the bunny came a little closer.

With a demonic roar that shook the world it began its terrifying transformation into a vile, loathsome and blood-thirsty......human-sized bunny!?
"......"
Hey don't blame me everyone, I just read the script. Ahem. Confronted with this "truly horrifying demon", Flames' forever fiery eyes narrowed as he reached for his weapons.
"Not so fast." The incredibly cute bunny said in a slightly demonic voice. The Anthro frowned and obeyed the command, reaching for his Blaster and Sabre at half the speed.
"...maybe you should stop moving all together?" His foe suggested sweetly, giggling in a somewhat creepy way. "Why fight with weapons or even our bare hands when we can solve this like REAL warriors?"
Flames was taken aback, realising what this crafty demon wanted. "Surely you don't mean...?"

The bunny only nodded solemnly as a reply before striking a pose and declaring: "HoKaze no Flames, I challenge you to a children's card game!"

[Vince the Dark]

Ha! This is amazing bro! Just the sheer insanity of it all makes it wonderful. ^.=.^

[Vosur Aekira]

Wow... an item received from battle being homework.  ??? 'k...

[Dr. Strange]

your logic is rather zigzag-ish but fun nonetheless. Well, there's my two cents.

[Vosur Aekira]

I think this was intended for a humourus story set.

[flames]

Humourous? I'll have you know that pointless children's card games and evil but very cute bunnies are all very serious business

Retrodus Gamicus Parodia 4 Deluxe: Quest for the Plot
"So...let me get this straight..." Flames calmly said after reading the human-sized 9004-paged book of rules. "There are essentially no rules?"
At this the bunny looked suprised and after giving a spine-chilling wink, started clapping its (Hey I'm only the narrator hovering above the scene, I can't tell what gender it is!) hands slowly. "Bravo Mr Hero, I do applaud you. Not many would be able to realise that those ancient runes, complex diagrams, legal mumbo jumbo and secret codes were all fake gibberish designed to throw you off and either: A) Force you to surrender in frustration or Waste 2 years of your life as you try to translate it. I am very impressed indeed..."

"Uh, actually I just said that to move the plot along." Flames admitted with a shrug. "I have a date with Destiny...and she's one goddess you don't want to keep waiting!"
"I can't let you do that, Star Fox...uh, Flames. You haven't heard any hour-long backstories about any generic villains yet!" The demonic spawn possibly created by a Hello Bunneh worker gone mad stated with a melodramatic flourish. "You see, I had a spirit-crushing childhood filled with agony and drama. I didn't really fit in with all the other demons but I guess it all started when..."

*Cue flashback*
"Oh heck no!" BLAM BLAM BLAM!
*Flashback prevented*
As the screen faded back from Flashback Cinematic mode to Standard View it can clearly be seen what happened as the flashback was about to start. The poor unnamed bunny from hell with a troubled and tortured childhood could on slump on the floor in pain, staring up at the crimson-clad Anthro with emotion-heavy eyes so strong and cute that it could make boulders cry. "Why...?" Is all it can say as sorrowful music plays, deep red blood staining its innocent fur for all time. "W...Wh...Why..."
"Why did I shoot you? Because I'm busy doing weird adventure rubbish, am sick of card games and flashbacks and most importantly, you're a generic enemy!" Flames yelled, raising his hands in frustration with this nutjob planet. "Why the heck do we have mournful music playing because I shot a random, unnamed demon!? It may be cute but its evil and has only existed for a few minutes to act as a distraction to slow me down from completing all this quest nonsense!" And with that last exclamation the normally calm and collected warrior headed off in search of the elusive plot...

[Vince the Dark]

Nicely done bro. It's very interesting to read this story because t goes against so much of the things that a story usually contains. Keep it up bro.