I am just saying this, no one has to listen or respond, and that also goes for the Mods. At age thirteen, I met a boy online, and his name of Robert. He said and explained things to me that made me begin to think about homosexuality. This was not forced nor presented in a biased way, he just told me his story and it got me thinking about similar thoughts that I had been having recently. Each day we chatted and became more and more submersed in each-other's company, inevitably resulting in our attraction to each other. We began to exchange photos and talk on the phone to form a sort of long distance romance. In those moments of his company I felt absent of my previous misfortune, like it was still there but in another room. This continued until my father had discovered our infatuation and he quickly terminated the relationship, in turn this caused me to become familiar once again to the misfortune that had faced me.
Ultimately this lead to several occurrences of self-mutilation and isolation. I wanted to be alone, this in turn made my grades decline, and this spawned my father's wrath. Each day this pattern continued until I managed to move with them to North Carolina. This fresh start would mark the era of my forced socialization. I was made to join various theater and school functions. Alongside this was a regular dosage of Lexapro, and slowly I become something of a content person. However, I still did not long to live, despite my situation, and I continued to remain isolated.
For two years it remained as such, until I had met my first NC boy, Charlie. He was a rebellious gay rights activist in our high school and I would later cheat on my current girlfriend with him, but similar feelings of when I was with Robert arose again. I began to attach myself to our repeated attempts of a relationship, that is until my current girlfriend found out about us. Bound by guilt, I made my appology, and accepted her taking me back. However, in the deep anals of mind, I longed for that boys embrace again. The feeling of his larger hands around mine and the mere warmth of his body could create that same feeling of my problems being annexed. Yet I am still with my current girlfriend, despite my feelings I still care for her, and wish her to be happy. We are nearing two and a half years together (she ignored the affair and we left off where we started from) but deep inside I still feel profoundly guilty about my actions. I cannot find the strength to forgive myself.
All this in conjunction with my unemployment and my pursuing of a college degree, is resulting in my consideration of suicide. However, I do not have the courage to take my own life, and have deemed it more honorable to endure. A lot of people will say not to sweat the small stuff, but here is a piece of knowledge for them:
Even a stone is not likely to instantly explode. No, it is in all probability that it will wear and wither due to erosion. However by the time the earth notices the deterioration of the stone, it is already a pebble.
--Jake Marotta
P.S. I am not looking for attention, nor am I looking for a shrink, but if you wish to speak with me just email me.
[email protected] 
Topic: Depression (Read 589 times)