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Author Topic: the rat within  (Read 1556 times)

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Offline Vixin Grimstone

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the rat within
« on: December 04, 2009, 05:20:20 PM »
The Rat Within
by Vixin   
   
    The flame of the candle flickered through the darkened hole of a window, the only evidence that the tiny cottage was occupied.  Mammoth-sized rats had slowly eaten their way through the thatched roof, allowing the elements of nature to steal inside.

One of the braver rats had made himself at home by soaking up the warmth of the candle, his silhouette outlined as one watched in the distance, a shadow of mystery, of darkness.

Greta listlessly ambled towards the candle, acutely aware of the rat's presence, though not of the one that watched from afar.  As she approached the rat, he did not move, he did not cringe, he did not twitch for he was accustomed to the young woman's presence.

Nor did Greta fear the large, sparsely haired vermin, rather found him a comforting companion.  It was lonely, locked in the cottage with no one about.  Yet, she was safe here in this wooded haven of lost souls, which she had claimed as her home ten years gone by.

Due to a cruel and untimely act, she had found Mankind in her disfavor, fleeing the city to clasp this solitary life.  She had vowed never return to civilization, where people walked the streets ruler-straight, their hearts containing gluttony for personal objects, wealth, and gain - their gain. 

Humankind no longer existed, probably never had.  Through her youth, she had envisioned what she had wanted to see in the people surrounding her, not what was really there.  But, she could see it now.  Monsters, all perfectly concealed monsters with tongues that were most times sharper than a razor's edge.

Yes, she could see so much now.  Perhaps her solitude had rendered her sensitivity to a state of lofty awareness, being separated from society providing her with unique insight to the world around her.

Greta collected her brush that lay beside the candle, where the large rat sat juxtapose.  Coming within inches of his gnarled teeth, he did not move, he did not cringe, he did not twitch. 

     He watched as she stroked her long raven hair under the low flickering light of the candle as the sliver of a silver moon danced overhead, a tiny curtain of light spiraling over the one that watched her in the distance.

Captivated by her youth, her beauty, and the methodical way that she was brushing the length of her hair, the watcher leaned closer towards the cottage, trying to secure a clearer, wider view of his prey.

A sudden rush of excitement flooded his system and he fantasized over what was to come.  The wait was almost too much; he imagined the rush of her blood, a face trimmed in fear, her lifeless body that he would render powerless - all of these things that would come to the night.  He had a thirst for blood that she would soon fulfill.

Instinct had led him here, targeting the innocent victim that would soon satisfy this inner craving. He was repelled by society, a misfit, one with sordid ideas and desires that were unparalleled with mortal men.  And in secret he filled his needs, his quenching for blood, for power.

His thoughts ran rampant through his contemplative mind like a tiny pebble skipping over a still lake, but he was suddenly jerked back to the present, to his prey in the distance. 

The young beauty had made her way to the cracked window and was peering into the night, towards him - almost as if she knew he were here, lurking, waiting for that right moment to seal life from her, to drain her virginal body into a lifeless hull.

Suddenly, he was gripped with a sense that he'd never felt before, for her eyes had honed in to his exact position, her eyes locking with his.  He shook his head, realizing that his imagination was too great for his own self, on this drab, but promising evening.

He blinked only once, but she had vanished from the window and only a trail of smoke and the half-lit tail of the candlewick remained in the distance.

   Where was she?  Obviously, she'd seen him.  The watcher was filled with a new flood of excitement; this one would be a challenge.

Certain that he'd been discovered, he planted his oversized feet into the damp floor of the forest, making tracks for the cottage, a mere outline in the dimness of the moon.

An unexpected cobweb suddenly blocked his path, and he angrily growled, tearing it apart with hands that supported long, unkempt nails.  If he'd had a heart, he could have heard it pounding in his head.  It took a few moments to rake the sticky webbing from his hands, then he blazed ahead, towards the cottage.

The rusty hinges of the medieval hewn door were barely discernible in the dim light.  The watcher paused to collect his raged breath, to stand and savor the foreplay of the insanity that was to come.

The smell of the woods filled his nostrils, as he hungered for human blood.  There wasn't a sound to be heard within the circumference of the cottage; the wildlife could sense that danger toiled for the forest floor was as still as death.

In slow motion, he reached out and pressed two strong hands on the door and was shocked as it creaked open, taking its time to rest against the wall, silence settling in, once again.

The watcher had expected the door to be locked - braced at best.  The prey wasn't as bright as he had first anticipated.  Pity, but at this point he'd settle for watered-down suspense.

      Three feet into the cottage and the door abruptly closed behind him, the bump of wood meeting wood causing him to jump.  Faintly, through one stray moonbeam, he made out the large rat by the door, who'd obviously been responsible for the event.

"Vermin!"  The watcher delivered a swift kick to the rat, sending it spiraling through the air and he heard it land in the distance with a distinct thud.

"You shouldn't have done that," he heard, bending his ear, for the voice was faint.  His heart quickened in his chest as he desperately tried to adjust his eyes to the dimness of the room.

"Come here, woman," he eased out slowly, regaining his moment of lost power.  "Let's play…for keeps."

The room was suddenly flooded with a bright light, so bright that the watcher had to bring up his forearm to shield his eyes.  They widened as he made out the woman in the short distance.  She was glowing and seemed suspended in the thin air.

Tilting his head, he searched for a box of sorts that she may have been standing upon.  Something gripped his soul….fear?  Yes, fear, something he rarely felt.

He watched like a giant stone statue as she bent to collect the wounded rat.  Her ivory hands stroked the sparsely covered pelt of hair and as the watcher trembled, she eased out furiously, "You've destroyed Meko, my favorite."

Her eyes gripped his face that was visible only by the glow of her illuminated form that was suddenly nearing him.  The watcher was shaking violently now, backing into one corner of the room.

What type of creature was this before him?  Human, she was not!

"Please, I'm sorry -"

"Ssshhh!" she ordered, the wisp of her breath gliding over his ashen face, and it felt colder than ice, like death itself.  "I don't think that you've ever been sorry a day in your life," she begged to differ.

"Sure…lady, if you say so," the watcher managed to pitch out, his mouth acutely dry.  He had come here to kill her, to claim her as his prey.  And now, he wasn't certain that he'd escape with his own life!

"So….you are sorry, are you?" she toyed, her hand still stroking the ugly hide of her rat.

"Honest…yes!" he tossed out, feeling tears sting at his eyes.

"Then come here and redeem yourself," she cooed, sounding like a deranged cat.

Her eyes drew him there, and when he tried to halt his steps, his feet took on a life of their own. He was a mere hand's space from her now, this cold alien with inhuman powers.

"What do- what do you-you want!" he yelled out, knowing exactly what she wanted, yet for the first time in his life, powerless.

In agony he watched her head descend, catching the sharp white fangs just before they vanished into his neck.  Locked in a delirium, he watched her fuel her dead rat with his life-giving blood, then through his own drawing curtain of death, he saw it jerk and quake with new life.

Greta delivered a satisfied smile and as she approached the watcher, he did not move, he did not cringe, he did not twitch…


((sorry i typed soo much....but i hope you like it))


Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: the rat within
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2009, 10:32:48 PM »
Honestly I didnt expect the ending. It's really very good.

I think the main problem though is that you use lots of big and complex synonyms for things that could be said quite simply. Eloquent language is fine and all, but dont be afraid to use something simple. Sometimes you used words that pulled me out of story for whatever reason.

But the story is good , and some of the imagery and ideas are great.

well done
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Vixin Grimstone

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Re: the rat within
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2009, 03:58:55 PM »
thank you and thank you for the advise

Offline x

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Re: the rat within
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2009, 06:58:39 PM »
Hey, this is really quite good.  :* Wow. I actually loved the eloquent language, it made it clearer to me and more involving, beautiful....then again I write almost like you, so don't trust anything I say.  :P It was fast paced, deep, and exciting. I'm not that good with technicalities, so don't ask me for advice 'cause I'd probably say something retarded and regret it.  :/ Favor? You don't even have to read StarBorn if you don't want, but could you maybe just post something there? I can't seem to enter the rest of my chapter...it's too long for the editor.  :'(
x

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Re: the rat within
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2010, 12:32:18 PM »
I enjoyed this greatly, well written, though Asia is correct. You could simplify more words, it can be a puzzle for some. Though I pay no mind to the complexity. Good work.
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