The Furry Forums would like to place cookies on your computer to help us make this website better. To find out more about the cookies, see our privacy notice.
To accept the cookie click here, or please login or register.
« previous next »
Pages: [1]   Go Down

Author Topic: ํYou're my love, not lust  (Read 1275 times)

0 Members and 0 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Wolface

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 148
  • Gender: Male
    • Awards
  • Species: Red Fox
ํYou're my love, not lust
« on: December 17, 2009, 07:28:14 PM »
After hard works at school and lots of agony and ecstasy. (which makes me not able to post here for a long while)

I at last have time to visit and post here once again 'w'

This is my third English poem I ever wrote in my whole life. So, if anyone have any suggestions, please suggest and/or comment for me.

={ You're my love, not lust }=

some say high
some say low
some say lust
but love's my show
I don't care the others
I don't care what they say
Wasn't it just us?
Just one word you say
You know... You are the world
without you I'll just decay

ps. sorry for foul grammars and punctuations.
Logged
Proud to be Furryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Fur Code = FCW6a>CW6a~CW6a A C- D H+++ M- P++ R+ T+++ W Z Sm++ RLMH a- cn++ d- e- f++ h* iw+++ j p* sm
http://winterwolf.co.uk/furcode

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: ํYou're my love, not lust
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2009, 08:52:47 AM »
I like the brevity of it, and actually I do think it would work better if you take out the middle four lines. It keeps a heavy high rhythm that works well with the rhymes.
Good job.
Logged
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Wolface

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 148
  • Gender: Male
    • Awards
  • Species: Red Fox
Re: ํYou're my love, not lust
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2009, 01:10:20 PM »
Thanks a lot Bunny  :3

but by "the middle four lines" did you meant these lines?

"but love's my show
I don't care the others
I don't care what they say
Wasn't it just us?"

If so, It'll be

"some say high
some say low
some say lust
just one word you say
You know... You are the world
without you I'll just decay"

right?

ps. I barely have any knowledge about English poems  :P
Logged
Proud to be Furryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Fur Code = FCW6a>CW6a~CW6a A C- D H+++ M- P++ R+ T+++ W Z Sm++ RLMH a- cn++ d- e- f++ h* iw+++ j p* sm
http://winterwolf.co.uk/furcode

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: ํYou're my love, not lust
« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2009, 05:04:37 PM »
actually... only take away the top two of that middle four.

so it'll be

some say high
some say low
some say lust
I don't care what they say
Wasn't it just us?
just one word you say
You know... You are the world
without you I'll just decay

It needs a bit of fixing to get the rhythm to work, but i think it's better this way. but then that's just my opinion.
Logged
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Wolface

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 148
  • Gender: Male
    • Awards
  • Species: Red Fox
Re: ํYou're my love, not lust
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2009, 04:58:52 AM »
and again, Thank you very much Bunny   :)
Logged
Proud to be Furryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Fur Code = FCW6a>CW6a~CW6a A C- D H+++ M- P++ R+ T+++ W Z Sm++ RLMH a- cn++ d- e- f++ h* iw+++ j p* sm
http://winterwolf.co.uk/furcode

Pages: [1]   Go Up
« previous next »
 

Powered by EzPortal