How about a short little story?

[Golge]

I just wrote this, hope some of you like it

I call it.... The origins of Thanksgiving



Tally Ho! it's off to the lands of cherries and gumdrops we go! riding our stags as we plant all our flags into the rocky crags. Bumblebees are near and lima beans are far., there's even a man smoking a cigar! As apples descend from the heavens the turkeys prepare for war against the pioneers intent on stealing their golden harp! and let us not forget the great stone marmalade! out come the Turkish blenders as the pioneers prepare their pitchfork launchers for the coming battle. suddenly a third party joins the fray, is it a bird? is it a plane? is it chuck Norris? no, far far worse than he. the bumblebees have summoned colonel sanders from the depths of Kentucky to wage extra crispy war upon the lands! wielding his trusty cane he deep fries the lands and sells them at exorbitant prices. the residents of this world barricade their homes and cower in fear, will no one save them? a wandering monk hears the cries of the people and begins an ancient ritual to summon the only being powerful enough to stop the colonel...


Abraham Lincoln.


Meanwhile in heaven, god was asleep.


Back in the land of cherries and gumdrops.


Abraham Lincoln is resurrected at last! and it only required 30706 sacrifices! "a new personal record", said the priest, before he was smoted by Lincoln, who then set his sights on sanders. Sanders, sensing his powerful rival nearby, turned just in time to see Lincoln pull a thermonuclear device from his hat. "NO!" shouted the colonel "You'll deep fry us all!"

Lincoln just laughed, and threw the nuke in the air, where it was devoured by rabid seagulls. he then pulled a dinette set out of his hat and set it up, motioning for the colonel to come and join him for a turkey dinner. there they dined, for the rest of eternity.



and that kids is how thanksgiving came to be!

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

It's good. I couldn't help but smile for most of the first chapter... then it got a little too 'zany.' I don't like zany. Zany is hard to do right, and I've only found one or two writers who make it work (in my opinion). Those writers were absolutely genius. personally I would prefer you keep it more as silly poetry with imagery and such, rather than the bare faced "look how craaaaaaaaazy this is," kinda thing.

but that's just me.

[Golge]

well, i was gonna go with silly, but part way through it I started drinking an energy drink, and well, you can see the difference caffeine makes ahaha

[WolfCubLorent]

haha well.......if you were going for randomness then you got it...you can also tell that you were trying to be funny but it's lacking something...... idk maybe some of it should make a little more sence ya know....anyway 7-1/2 out of 10

[Golge]

hmmm tough crowd it seems, alright then, how about a simple regurgitation of my mind then?


"gahh too many yellow polka dotted leprechauns are eating my salad while i try and cry for help but no one save for the garbage man hears my plea and comes running but he forgets his garbage truck so he has to leave right away so i use a water gun to shoot the politicians who are trying to get my wallet while the baker tries cooking my fish tank and the squirrels don't care because they are stealing the food out of the bird feeders while the eggplant sits and watches."


better? worse? feedback is nice

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

randomness for the sake of randomness isn't funny. You need a base, you need evolution and most importantly, you need timing. Simply spewing words and phrases in no particular order isn't enough. You need the ebb and flow of movement and laughter. It explodes, then builds, then explodes, then builds then fizzes out then turns to darkness. What you've done is just explode, and it has the entertainment value of your average explosion. Interesting for a second.

Look at some of the people who really do this type of comedy well. Monty Python is the most famous, then there's The Mighty Boosh, Dr. Mcninja, SomethingAwful and only the best Youtube/Gmod poops. Gmod videos in general pull on these ideas of randomness.

Look at them and see what they do. Pick them apart and analyse the techniques.