My Hearts Fragments

[WolfCubLorent]

-Dark Side-
2/15/10 “My Heart’s Fragments” By: Lorent K. Cub

At the end of this I feel like s**t, I want to take it out of me as easily as I spit. I had a dream last night that made me stop and think. What if my life ended so recently, what if I was taken away from everyone I belong to; would anyone mind?
I walk around till I feel the sun become bright and the skies seem to be alight, I should be looking for that something that I never could find. To be taken by the hand and brought to that world where all my fantasies become real.
I’ve been cold for so long that I just wanted something…

                                                         

Someone warm to feel.
I’m wanting …

                          Wanting to go somewhere, somewhere…
                                                   No one can find me.
If I could control the memories of others I would erase myself from them, completely eradicate the entity of those memories from existence. Now I’m walking, walking away with my head down and my hood shadowing me as my hair hides half my face’s reflection.
I ask, questions to the someone who's nobody that may as well give me answers without words nor picture nor body langue, I can’t believe you now…
                   Someone who puts darkness in place of my comfort through forced torture.
Being carried…
                           By that distilled shadow that I once knew and used as a cover from the light…
The light that is reality.
 

No…you’re a liar…I see this hate through my crimson red visions, these blood stained demon eyes…
I see it to every step I walk…I feel this pain through my tainted pulsing vanes, these flooding rushed dead vanes…
I feel it to every sense I caress…I taste the lust through my weakened corrupting mouth, this tempting embodied cold tongue…
I taste it to every breath I inhale…I hear this cruelty through my sinned humming sound, these numbing strayed lost ears…
I hear it to every whimper I whisper…I smell the fear through my weighted suffocating aroma, this burning cleared stone nose…
I smell it to every stench I sniff…

Now I’m smashing mirrors…why…I don’t know. A thought of why would seem as the way to destroy that darker side of me.
My loved one, I can’t control her…but I don’t want to control what I hold most dearly to me in this world.
Bad day bad girl bad life that I can’t stay and bare any longer. The smoke from her cigarette blows into my eyes and hair. Deep inside I’m the one that needs a break, the one that needs to break away from it all.
Why, why am I still running through the forest of my mind for where I always get lost in, for it is the place that I should no longer be running in?

It’s their entire fault it’s all her fault, it’s all their and her fault. They never should have left me…these sub humans I so foolishly once called friends and she never should have fragmented my heart. I’m not as they think…I’m only a little different but there are many others like me that comfort me when I heart fell off the edge and shattered into crystal dust like pieces.

So much kissing and caressing and pleasuring took place as the room formed an ice stone cold atmosphere with our bodies as a blanket of warmth…

I remember it so painfully cleary in my mind as I find myself unwhilingly but willingly replaying eavery second of that magic. Her body covering what is now an empty shell of my body, pushing and thrusting as my passion for her exploded out of reaction. She walks that hallway of lonelyness confided despair darkness and…love…she walks away.
I can’t say her name anymore, my lips tremble as I try to fore out the name, with this comes pain…but only silent words follow my breath.

At the end of this I feel like s**t, I want to take it out of me as easily as I spit. I had a dream last night that made me stop and think. What if my life ended so recently, what if I was taken away from everyone I belong to; would anyone mind?
I realize that I lost the feelings and emotions to care….about anything or anyone. I lost all memories of her and them, no this time I’m sure I havn’t just stored them in my abyssmal subconscious. I have lost all that was me and now nothing is left…..I have lost my heart’s fragments.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

this is definitely one of your better ones, though the old problems still prevail. consistently bad spelling, wobbly structure (i.e. the form jumps all over the place. a switch from paragraph to paragraph or subject to subject is fine, but in the middle of paragraphs for no apparent reason is no good. for example, the first two sentences work brilliantly, they're seriously good, but then it falls back into mundanity. breaking down into no form.

other problems are: rhetorical questions almost never work. You ALMOST got it to work by making it a paragraph of its own, but it doesn't go anywhere and i have to dig and guess at how it could merit for it.

the level of imagery is inconsistent. Sometimes it's verging on incoherence, other times you're just saying things blatantly without any intrigue

i'll tell you the good bits next cus my cousins ae here...

this is my fav though

[iKero-chu™]

I like it.
Good job.
+^_^+

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I like the way it's formed, the way it's layed out like that. A mixture of Poetry and prose, that's really rather advanced.
as i said before, the first sentence is brilliant, it really feels like it's physically spitting, i love it.

i like the movement of it though there are bits with slow to a dead crawl and others that are glazed over with ice,getting me to slide over without feeling it between my toes.


either way, that is very good and shows a good attitude to form.