The Day My World Fell Apart

[WolfCubLorent]

-Dark Side-
1/12/09 “The Day My World Fell Apart”
By: Lorent K. Cub
I watch as this life of mine pins me up against the stone wall which falls apart and turns into that lonely abyss that wipes out my mind. There is that view I see of myself from high above. I do not deserve this; my silence comes from all of the directions in my unfriendly self-sacrificing mind. This is my curse, the one that completely destroys all the love in my heart.

Will she wait for me? My curse is twisting my inside walls and makes me believe that she will never return to my cold side.
Will she find me? My curse sends no sign of letting up its seemingly painful endless onslaught of pain that holds on to me. Now I’m slipping away. Never would I think that this would be easy, you were my chance to feel and stop the rain from ruining my day.
This has left me with no time; your still breath will never surface again. Break through the empty barrier that covets my nothingness.

STOP THAT YELLING, I’ll never frikin understand...I’ll never frinkin understand...I’ll never frinkin understand...WHY!

You kill me, never could be something that would make you happy. Why does it feel like I should still try to stop this overflowing pool of despair when it’s not even mine to call my own?
HANDS ARE SHAKING, I WISH I WAS FREE OF THIS. Still I’m frozen from the head down choking on air that burns my throat.
Peaceful melodies sing to me now…as I rest in the darkness that I find myself floating around like lying on top of water but a warmer feeling.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Still this curse brings me to my knees and suffocates every thought of her that is laid in my deep subconscious.
This is the end of my crumbling world, but I strain to hold on as I DIE! WHY DO I RUN AWAY FROM THIS FEELING?
Now wings of a flaming death eating monster that is my heart. NOW I CRAWL FROM THE TORTURE! WHY…do you smile at this?
Now strung out with this curse that traveled through space and time to reach me everywhere any where all the time anytime.
You will not be the right choice for me, you will not stricken me once more as what was did once before.

NO! Not now, do my internal infested insides strangle me with torched skies and menacing believe that’ll surprise the pure blood that calls and perverts those thoughts that find there ways to return.
Thrown forever against the wall, I’ve been given unwilling uncertainty.
Strumming on the drums of the long forgotten now they open the eyes. But I think I’ll be in denial, but you can’t stay for any time for a while. This throws shouting beams of black uncertainty with unsinkable insight.

BEATING THOSE DRUMS THAT MAKE ME STILL FOREVER IN ANGIUSE AND ALL THAT LAYS PAINFULL.
S*x is on forced on the part of me that is weak for it; this game isn’t part of my life. You’re so soft it helps to forget. Living in the madness that’s Past. I am not ashamed when it’s thrown in my face. You don’t give a heck what I feel and how I deal. You didn’t expect this of me; liberating weather I should betray my eyes tonight.

Yes, under all the strife I BREAK! Condensing my sadness and turning the least of it into light that burns my badness.
This road I run keeps me sane while I cry, still stinging chest for the suiting, and bleeding surface better then when it last sighed. This tragedy keeps me in despair and forces me into the clear where I see no sunshine to guide my way or warm my cheeks. This seems to suite me better, enveloped in chaos for which I have no fear but to see her here. NO!

This thunder stinging guitar plays through the raging storm to no end does it succumb. Subtle to her ears but instant tearing suffixing jolts of a world burning sensation to me with coming hard thrusts that make me stand up again only to fall back down and fall apart.
Still my past remains in my heart, so shall I let the anger burn and kill all that had sown me from the start.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

bad spelling and nonsensical sentences as usual, but there is great potential. That initial feeling you produce, that image of a stone wall, gasping into abyss. Silence from all directions. It's a great metaphor, a great feeling. But then it just becomes loose and flat with lots of metaphors that have nothing concrete to ground it, which in turn creates an abstract mess of words.

also, rhetorical questions rarely ever work. Capitalising in the middle of sentences rarely work and just seem the rants of a child when it's just nooooo or die or something like that. It's like a kid jumping up and down.

and finally, there are some cliches.


other than that, the good is that i did enjoy some early parts, like the walls and things like that . It works well and I like it.

[WolfCubLorent]

Well the whole Nooooooo pats and the Capitalizing and spacing in mid sentence I did this because I thought it would be like putting one thought or word after another....like I did the line spacing in mid sentence to reprsent what I would normalyy put  ...  and instead I did this....and for the noooooooo part I decided to do that because I wanted it seem more....dramatic ya know.....instead of a yell No! or NO! because in the poem the person isn't just saying no he's screaming no and draging it a little and that's what I wanted.....
As for the messing around the end...I tend to do that a lot...i don't know why...I think it's because at first all this emotion comes at me and I don't have to try to make it all emotional and full of feeling......but when I get twords the end of my or rather middle of my poem I start to lose some of that emotion because it was all let out and I don't feel like it is finished so then I TRY to make it seem emotional ya know what I'm saying......sadly my bursts if emotions don't last as long as I'd want them to but hey what can I do right....Thanks for your comments, they help me understand myself as a writter and what I need to work on ^^ *hugs you*