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Author Topic: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)  (Read 1401 times)

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Offline x

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Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
« on: April 25, 2010, 04:07:10 AM »
A love poem I wrote for someone, not saying who. What do you guys think? Crit is okay, though kinda not looking for it because this was from my heart and therefore I'm not revising it anytime soon.


When I dream
The silken trees bow but the winds quiet
When I dream of you
Everyone sings out but the world goes silent

There like a phantom
Like a beautiful, tainted, unreachable phantasm

Reach out your hand
Let me touch you…
For I can make you warm,
warm in a world of cold, of hate, of fear.

In a mist of darkness rising from the pier, it isn’t clear

How this relates to that
How I can love someone who isn’t

There.
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2010, 02:31:14 PM »
ooooh nice. I like that, it's certainly better than the average. Some good ideas, and a great ending three lines.
good job.
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"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline x

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Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2010, 01:20:51 PM »
Thanks sooo much, Asia. My man liked it so guess I succeeded.  B)
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2010, 02:03:24 PM »
good on ya :3
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"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Rilin

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Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2010, 07:15:32 PM »
Ooh my, I love this! It's very touching.  ^_^ Your man is a lucky one. :D
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Offline White Wolf Guardian

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Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2010, 09:47:58 PM »
Yes your man is very lucky <3, I lurves it too. My favorite part is:

There like a phantom
Like a beautiful, tainted, unreachable phantasm

That similarity you used with phantom and phantasm was soooo cool.
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