The Furry Forums would like to place cookies on your computer to help us make this website better. To find out more about the cookies, see our privacy notice.
To accept the cookie click here, or please login or register.

Author Topic: A Dog's Life  (Read 2527 times)

0 Members and 0 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Howellfan

  • Avid Aardvark
  • *
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 19
    • Awards
A Dog's Life
« on: April 29, 2010, 11:44:56 PM »
This story is a bit - different, so I'm curious to see what people think of it. I've no idea exactly how many pages equivelant it is in total - I'd guess offhand somewhere between a long short story and a novella. Anyway, here's the first four chapters to start things off; tell me whatcha think! :)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 1: Mixed blessing:


"Is this what you truly want, Wolf?"

Rebecca watches the Wolf's eyes, his face. There's no hesitation there.

Her hand rests in the fur of his neck. She feels it brush leather as she stands, to walk a few paces and turn, look down and lock eyes -

"Show me."

And waits....


***                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            


She'd been afflicted with wanderlust from childhood. What part of this was her blood calling and what part circumstance she would never know. If circumstance didn't light the flame, it surely fanned it. Her family owned an inn at the last major port - and thus last major settlement, in those days - before one left civilization behind for the wildlands, and the stories heard from trappers coming through(and a few who'd settled in town)set fire her imagination. Especially the Wise - beasts by look and habbit, but wise as men.

One other thing may have fed her passion: Mother.

She'd likely never had a nice thought about Wise in her life and thus didn't think much of her daughter's fascination with them, and by proxy the wildlands which fed it, actively and even angrily discouraging her daughter's 'unhealthy' interest.

And the more her mother did so, the more her sense of wanderlust grew, the greater her yearning when she looked to the fire of the dying sun. So when one week in her seventeenth year a trapper laying up for several days before heading west, into the wildlands, took a fancy to her she sweet-talked him into dragging her along.

Gods, but he must have been madder than she was! Twice the burden with damn little to contribute on her end. And it had been rough for her, at first. But she adapted...and the compensations had been worth it. What began as teenage wanderlust (among other things) had become a hunger, images of those months etched and burned into memory: her first glimpse from high in the 'Teeth of the land spread out beneath them, vast and open, her town lost somewhere far beyond the horizon; her first encounter with Wise - and his constant teasings about it - the nights....they planned to marry next time through her village.

Plans change.
                
He'd taken sick that winter as they headed home and died, hand in hers', a week out. She spent ten days finishing the journey. Alone.

She hadn't spoken of those transformative months since.

Mother had been furious, of course, when she returned; the moreso when it became clear she planned more treks into the wild - and wouldn't hear otherwise. It wasn't just her defiance (and concern for her safety) that had angered Mother; Rebecca's father died in her childhood, and two older brothers notwithstanding, every extra hand was a help. But if you traveled light and knew your trade - and truth be told luck was with you, often as not - there was money in trapping, and the savings she brought home with her led to - well, call it acceptance of her choice, though Mother still constantly asked during stints at home when she planned to 'settle in.'

Maybe someday.

Not soon. The wilderness - to watch the autumn sunrise crest the Dragon's Teeth like creation's dawn, silhouettes against a burning sky; to walk the hidden trails carved by beast common and Wise, unmarked by humankind, to feel yourself first to walk the Earth, stranger to the world - it was in her, a longing, a thirst that broke no denial.

You lived at the boundaries, your boundaries. There was clarity in Necessity; your preconceptions meant nothing to her.
                
Take, for instance, patronizing village attitudes toward the Wise.

Trappers learned better; It was their world they must often travel through. It paid to be on good terms with Wise, and it's hard to disrespect those you take the time to know. And far side of the Teeth, having friends among the Wise could save your life.

Gods knew it saved her sorry ass.
                  
She'd taken a risk, last trip, starting back late; game was better far side, especially late in the autumn season. Still, barring disaster she'd been well on pace to make the pass with time to spare.

Yeah. ' barring disaster....'
                  
Her horse had spooked, sending her flying in it's panic, ankle snapping on impact. She hadn't seen the horse since.

Losing the horse was bad.

Losing the ankle was mortal.

She had managed to hole up, gather wood and set a fire - ten times the work and hurting like hells but she'd managed it. Real problem was food - no rations, and lacking horse or two good legs her bow could be a plow for all the good it did her.

But to try the pass on foot, half-crippled and winter setting in? Madness.

Cut the cards any way you like she was dead, dead, dead. Unless.

And hoping against hope, she cupped a hand to her mouth and cried for aid.

A cry carried on a howl to freeze a townie's blood.

They had her gratitude. Really, they did. Though Wise seldom hunted Wise, human included, why divert time and resource in the lean season from real obligations? Fortune had smiled on her that night. She'd known the pack that saved her.

Including Gray.

They had her gratitude, yes.
                  
But Gods, what misery!

No fire once winter settled in, so - confined to the Wolf-den, inactive save to answer nature's call (her fortune for a thrice-damned pair of crutches, instead of what she must do with). Weeks and months of half waking from half-slumber to cold, to pain, to hunger dulled but never quelled by raw meat, blood and pap (Ahhhhhhh Necessity....).                                          
                    
Sometimes waking to warmth, a presence (the same?) beneath her soft and comforting, barely noted as she slips again beneath the waves -

 - to sleep, to wake again to the hunger and the cold, to stiffness and exhaustion, to the waiting waiting waiting through the long dead months for the coming of Spring.

Overjoyed at its arrival. Elated, just to be outside the den beneath a pleasant sky. Walking...weak and unsteady at first, but oh to walk freely, skin bare to the wind and stretch her legs; to find a stream and rinse away the months of grime, sweat and blood.

Well, she did still have her flint when spring returned at last; there had been that, at least.
                    

***

She was exhausted.

Her legs ached. Her whole body ached, protesting exercise after weeks of inactivity. She felt the stirrings of a headache behind her eyes.

In a few moments, Rebecca thought, she'd be as happy as she'd been in her entire life.

"C'mon" she muttered, willing the kindling nestled on the ground between her hands to catch.

Puff.  Was there the briefest glow?

A couple more breaths; and again.

"Yes." as the kindling came to life. Shifting back to her knees, she picked one of the smallest twigs from the pile beside her and held it to the kindling. After a few moments it caught. "Yes, yes yes." Adding more and bigger pieces to the pile, she soon nursed it to a blazing fire.

With a whoop of triumph, she looked up at the Wolf  - being Wise, a good hand-n-half taller than it's 'cousin'-kind - turning to stare at her from the direction of the den. "Roast beef tonight!" she cried, grinning.

Well, leg-of-elk, anyway. Could be bladder-of-elk all she cared at the moment.

Cooked food again!

Maybe if she had the energy in the next few days and weather permitting, she'd hike up to check on the temp-shelter she'd holed up in before winter fell. (Damned if she'd huddle in that thrice-damned den one moment more than she had to!) Dangerous to have a fire inside or too near one, but the buckskin she wore made good insulation, and with limited space reducing heat loss she'd be fine most nights now winter was past.

She hoped.

Sigh. Well, worst case and Winter cold makes a late comeback, there was always the bleedin' den.... Maybe heated stones....

She sheathed the knife in her belt - used to spark the flint  Moving carefully, she slowly took to her feet; wavered, and paused a moment to steady herself. "Not", she muttered, "that I don't enjoy the company."

She was looking at the Wolf.


***


Rebecca held the slice of meat in front of her, eyes closed, and breathing deeply drew a long, appreciative sniff.

"Mmmm-hummmh". She tore off a bite, torn between savoring her first hot food in weeks and filling her stomach at best speed.

Wasn't as good as she'd hoped....

It was better!

She smiled, and eyes still closed began slowly chewing, chewing and chewing until, stomach winning out at last she swallowed, lids lifting from eyes of ocean blue.

Setting the remainder in her lap, she took up her knife again and began cutting off bite-sized (relatively speaking) chunks, to spear them with the tip, bring them to her mouth and swallow almost before they so much as saw her teeth.

'Hells with appreciation!' she  thought. Savor it later.              

An hour yet 'till sunset, the fire already cast dim inconstant shadows around and on the bank behind her. Catching with the corner of her eye, she turned toward the den, grinning at the Wolf she saw standing there watching.

“'Ey!" She made a motion with her arm. "Come 'ere."

 After a moment's delay, he began trotting toward her. Yes, she saw as he came closer, he was the same Wolf.

She started cutting at what remained of the Elk's leg as he approached. "You're the one what carried this back for me, aren't you?" she smiled, carving right on through the bone. She looked up to meet eyes that stared back with steady, measured appraisal. "Yep; not that I'm not good enough to be pretty sure've it when I saw you standin' over there, but" - she gave a grunt as the knife sliced through the last fibres of meat, severing the piece in two. "Most hide-bound townied' have trouble missin' those eyes." The usual color for wolves of either kind, including the other members of this pack, was amber. Far less common was that of the pair before her: Gray and -

With a slight start of surprise, she leaned in for a closer look. She'd never noticed before, but seeing them up close, was there a trace of ocean blue as well?

Yes indeed – no mistaking those eyes.

She picked up one of the cut pieces. "Anyway, my thanks, and thought I'd return the favor!" And so saying she drew back and flung, giving her best toss from ground level.

She'd aimed to send it a bit past the Wolf but surprising her, with a running jump he snatched it from the air before it struck the ground.

"Huh, nice catch!" she grinned. With a sweep of his tail, the Wolf crouched to dig into his take.

"Well" she chuckled as she watched his piece vanish before her eyes. "Looks like I'm not th' only one who likes a lil' 'home cookin'!

She stood up, walked over and tossed another branch onto the fire, turned and stood for a minute, just watching the Wolf staring up at her, gnawing on what remained of his portion. Something was troubling her.

Whatever it was remained stubbornly out of reach.

Finally dismissing it with a shrug, she resumed her seat. As well sleep on it, she thought. A glance at the sky; great good fortune, it looked to be another pleasant evening. She stretched. Her fire should keep well into the night. Tonight, she'd sleep out here! Full stomach, clear skies and a pleasant breeze - this was living!


***


Howls woke her.

"Unhhhh." she groaned, shifting. 'You'd think I'd've learned to sleep through the damned things by now!' she thought blearily.

They came again. With a sigh, she sat up and slowly opened her eyes to look around.

The fire was low but not yet out; life enough yet to blunt the evening chill. Looking in the direction of the howls she saw a Wolf standing at the farthest edge of the fires' light; he was turned away, twin candles looking back to her. Silent. Somehow, she thought she guessed it's identity - and that he wasn't staying to watch over cubs.

"So, you goin' with 'em or not?!" .                
 
The candles disappeared, the shape gone like a shadow, and only then did the Wolf add it's voice to the chorus.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2010, 12:34:57 AM by Howellfan »

Offline Howellfan

  • Avid Aardvark
  • *
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 19
    • Awards
A Dog's Life( Chapter 2)
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2010, 01:15:30 AM »
Chapter 2: 'Crazy Wolf'

She woke in a sweat.

For long moments she just lay in darkness, waiting; for her pulse to slow, for breaths to come slow and steady. For the ache to again lose it's edge.

Jack....

Bending knees and pushing with one arm, she sat up, bringing a hand to her face.

She'd been due of course; It had been longer than usual - weeks, really - since she'd dreamt of him, dreamt about -             
     
"Shit."

There was faint, flickering light from the entrance to her shelter – she'd crawled inside after all. 'Merry effin morning'. Grabbing her belt - the leather strap holding her blade and tinder-box was the only article save her boots she hadn't worn to sleep - she crawled through the opening. Got her feet under her to stand...and felt an impact from behind, sharp points prickling her neck as she went to her knees. Reaching up over her shoulder with both hands, she grabbed and shrugged her attacker to the ground, then lunged -

But the Wolfling was quicker than she.

"You brat!" she called after him as he ran back towards the den, though she chuckled as she said it. She saw Gray Eyes looking at her with an open-mouthed grin and snorted.

She breathed in deep, dream fading to the background of her thoughts as she pulled on her boots.  All around, the woods were waking with the coming of Spring. A thousand bird-calls echoed through the budding trees, a near cacophony to greet the not-yet-risen sun.

The time for depending on the Wolves was past, she thought happily. She'd string up the bow and do some hunting of her own soon. Not today though; there was a stream she meant to visit, if memory served - no line or net, but all she'd need was speed....

And, she thought, looking at the Wolf trotting her way, she might
have help, too – well, the pleasure of his company, at least.

"Pack ever hunt fish, Grey Eyes?"

He gave her a sideways look.. 

"No? Well, you come along 'n I'm sure you'll be some use, anyways."

She chuckled at his response.

He'd been spending more and more time with her - not just around the den but accompanying her when she ventured out to gather wood, or whatever other reason when not on the hunt.

Looking at the Wolf trotting beside her, she wondered at that. Was it more than just her company? Pack politics, maybe? He wasn't exactly low rung on the ladder last she knew - 

No – it wasn't all his time spent with her; and besides she'd never seen him looking like he'd been whupped.

She gave a mental shrug. 'Guess some jus' go their own way'.


***


'Gocha!'
               
Lunging after the salmon, Rebecca caught just enough tail to feel it slip through her fingers as her bare foot slipped from under her, sending her splashing face-first into the water.

She came up coughing. "Okay -" she sputtered at the Wolf when she'd regained her footing, looking insufferably amused from his perch on the near bank. "So I'm outta practice. You jus' make sure th' ones I do manage t'get don't end up back in the river!"

She crouched again; waited.

Lunge. Splash.

"Yeeasss!" She cried triumphantly, sending the fish flying through the air in the Wolf's general  direction. Lunging, he caught it just before it hit the ground, growling as he gave it a finishing shake. He looked at her and gave a sweep of his tail before dropping it for the next one.

Rebecca rolled her eyes.

'Crazy Wolf....'


***
                             
                             
Whatever else you might say, one couldn't fault Mother as a cook, Rebecca thought as she drew the three skewered fish from the fire.

Still, she thought with an appreciative sniff, fish was fish, The predominant culinary staple in her town, it was a favorite in almost any form.

"Uh uh." she told the Wolf, staring intently at the fish she'd removed and just drawn her knife to begin slicing in her lap. "You had two already - an' I don't hafta know th' season to tell huntin's good for you.”

Glare

"If ya couldn't wait 'till they cooked it's yer own damn fault."

He gave a low growl, turned to walk several paces and lay down, directing his gaze elsewhere.

Humph. 'That's th' trouble breakin' bread with humans' she thought with a chuckle. You couldn't fight 'em for it. 
                             
Which meant nothing, she soon realized, for what one didn't happen to have in one's possession at a given time.

She was on the second fish, with one left on the skewer stuck end-first in the ground. Sensing with the corner of her eye, she glanced up and lept to her feet - "Hey!" - to grab the stick with on free hand just ahead of the bolting canine. Not that she could do a damn thing if he grabbed the fish....

They both froze. "Go ahead." she said, locking eyes, challenging. And she'd....well, what exactly? 
                               
"Well?" she asked when he didn't move. "Second thoughts?"

A moment's frozen stare; then to her surprise - the Wolf backed down grumbling, trotted back to where he'd been lying and settled in again.

Rebecca stared at him. Blinked.                             

Wait – what in mothers was she thinking, challenging a Gods-be Wolf that way? Wise or no - 'Second thoughts'? Really? And she called the Wolf crazy.

Shaking her head, she resumed her seat to continue eating. The fish stopped halfway to her mouth, small smile on her lips as she stared again at the Wolf. The sight struck her as almost domestic. Wolf could fair pass for a big oversized -

A stab of guilt as the smile died. 'Yeah, crazy – your mother's daughter, ain't you?'                       

Fish eaten, she slid the third and last from the stick. For a moment she stood holding it, looking at the Wolf. Then, with an exaggerated sigh, she resumed her seat, retrieved the knife and, with a few quick slices, cut it neatly in half.
                             
Bringing fingers to her mouth, she gave a sharp whistle; "Hey, Grey eyes!"

He turned to look at her.

She tossed him his half. "Here ya go, brat!" she said with a wink.

He lept to his feet with a chuff, grinning at her. She grinned wider.

Yes, no question, she thought as he tore in. She'd miss him when she left.


***

One day, and she missed him already.

Rebecca shrugged, re-adjusting the shoulder straps of the pack on her back, little more than a few beaten-rawhide straps to hold her bow and other items and some smoked meat anchored between a pair of sticks whose top and bottoms also anchored the shoulder straps. It was, she thought for the dozenth time that day, about as comfortable as you'd expect it to be. She was still in forest country, cool and soft-lit in the noon-day sun.

'C'mon girl, not like e's the first Wise you ever met.'

Shrug. Damn, she was gonna have to rework the straps wasn't she?

Hells, she told herself, resuming her pace; decent chance she'd even see him again next time she came through the area. And other side she planned on making best speed to home for a nice long layover. 'So quit b---hin'!'

She drew up for a moment.

Was there rustling in the undergrowth just ahead? She stood listening, and hearing nothing further resumed her walk.

She'd been surprised at the strength of her reaction sitting with Gray last evening, feeling her throat tighten a little as she said her goodbye. She'd never felt quite that way even when leaving home, not even the first time -

'Especially the first time, perhaps.' she thought, smiling briefly.                             
     
She turned a corner - and stopped, staring in surprise.

'Gray Eyes?'  What was he doin' here?

She opened her mouth to ask just that, then closed it. After several long moments she resumed walking, the Wolf falling in beside her.

He knew where she was going, that she wasn't turning back. Either he would turn back before the 'Teeth or he wouldn't, simple as that. Why question the obvious?


***


Several days later, she sat resting - or at least, she told herself that was all she was doing - looking at the jagged ridge that towered before her. Sighing, she struggled to her feet and grabbed her pack. 'Well, no more delayin' I guess.'  she thought shrugging into the straps. She turned to the Wolf beside her.

"You sure 'bout this, friend?” She looked to the 'Teeth as she spoke, then back to him.

By way of answer, he walked a few paces ahead and turned back to her. “Right then.” she mumbled, starting after him, and the two started for the mountains a half-day's jouney to the East.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, apparently posts in the 'Writings' section automatically merge to prevent double posting, so long-format writing must be posted as seperate threads and merged by admin. seems a bit - clumsy, but what do I know?  :/

Anyway, if Admin. could merge the 'A Dog's Life' chapters after I post them, I'd be much obliged. :) Thanks you!. :)

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2010, 03:08:15 AM »
posts merge until 24 hours have passed or somebody else posts. or atleast that's how i think it works. Just wait 24 hours and they wont merge. plus it would be good for your readers because that's a lot of text to throw at someone's screen in one go. The more text you have, the less likely someone is to read it. Bitesize chunks are good. Wait a while between chapters. About two days is ok. Dont wait for someone to post their opinion before putting a new chapter though, or else you'll  be waiting all year.

my own opinion of your story will be given when it's not 4am and when I actually have time to read all this stuff. So what i say after this point does not mean that your story is bad or good.

Initial opinion: Your structure is odd. It's as though you have rejected paragraphs, unless you're doing an exposition dump. Instead of paragraphs you have gone for a new line each time the next part is solidified in your head.
Also, I read the first exposition dump about her background. It's jumpy, confusing.
Quote
her first glimpse from high in the 'Teeth of the land spread out beneath them, vast and open, her town lost somewhere far beyond the horizon; her first encounter with Wise - and his constant teasings about it - the nights....they planned to marry next time through her village.
That's the first mention of any romantic leanings. That's a big jump from zero to a hundred. going from first meeting without a whisper of attraction, then to marriage.

unless this is the first whisper of attraction
Quote
So when one week in her seventeenth year a trapper laying up for several days before heading west, into the wildlands, took a fancy to her she sweet-talked him into dragging her along.
because the sentence makes no sense, so i dismissed it. Read it aloud to yourself and see what i mean. If the sentence makes no sense, then people will just skip over it rather than try to decipher it.

but yeah, that's my initial impression of the first tiny bit of it. It's not definite and not final.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Howellfan

  • Avid Aardvark
  • *
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 19
    • Awards
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2010, 03:20:51 AM »
This story was my first attempt at writing. It's actually gone through one 'reboot', and I originally had delusions( Lol )of it being a one shot, before it started growing and growing.  :P

Certainly, when I'm finished with it I'll definately want to revisit the whole section before she's breaks her ankle. I promise from the next chapter on, there's much more taking/doing, and much less exposition; but yeah, that first section needs a re-edit/write! :P



Edit: *Shivers* Ech, you're right - that sentence is terrible! Maybe the reason I've done heavy work on everything but that *sigh* 'exposition dump' at the beginning is that I didn't want to look too closely too often. OK - yeah, by itself it's not completely rediculous, but no, it doesn't make any sense for the characters or in context. Run off, then plan to marry next time through the village? Ugh!

Sigh - in my defense, I could say that nothing in the story had firmed up at that point, and I was basically just spouting ideas on to the keyboard. Still - Maybe I won't wait for a total re-edit/write of that section; there's got to be some kind of one or two-line patch job I can do that'll fit, at least for that line!

The rest of the story has seen a lot more work, and has a much clearer focus of what's going on. I promise it gets better! *meep*  :o






Post Merge: April 30, 2010, 10:23:10 AM
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Well, as I said above, should see some a big technical improvement in the writing from here on out. Err - at least in relative terms.

As for the chapter itself - well, I told ya this story's a little different. Whether for good or bad - well, that's for you decide!

PS: Asiabunny's also right about the structure - it's an affectation that - it seems - is me overcompensating for the limitations of the written word - which I don't think you really appreciate untill yor writing. In general, I hate story-stopping paragraphs of description and expositon(have I mentioned how much I hate the opening part of Chapter one? :P ), and am struggling to figure out how to establish the flow, the pacing, feel and 'atmosphere' of a scene, and to fit description and a character's thoughts into that pacing. So - I end up breaking up too far. I just did some consolidation of the chapter above below. More effective?  

Thanks for the feedback!

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 3: 'Could Be Worse':


"Ya know - there's a reason Wise don't venture East of the 'Teeth, furface."

The Wolf laying a few feet to her right looked up from the hare's-leg he was devouring, eyes catching the inconstant light of the fire as the last dregs of Sunset faded in the West.

"My kind...we're not all trappers." Rebecca continued. "You think other Wise never roamed in the East? Hells, some still do if you believe the rumors; never more than that though. Do a prime job keeping near to ground, can't imagine why...."

Stare.

"Alright, alright - if you wanna know, aside from statin' th' obvious my point is, not too long an' we'll be somewhere I can lighten my burden a little, prefrably in exchange for at least a horse - ”
                        
'Any horse.'  Rebecca flexed her shoulders; buckskin gave her skin some protection from the ropes, but it still rubbed. "An' with any luck, lodging as well; and that could make things difficult."

Truth be told, she'd intentionally avoided thinking about the problems his accompanying her back might present, but now they were other side of the 'Teeth she had to face up and start planning how to deal with them.

And Gods but was she glad to be other side of the 'Teeth! Every step upside seemed to add another Stone to the weight on her back and shoulders - only adding to effects of the thinning air - topside was cold even in Summer, the pass - some parts nothing but rock and no good camp, for three days on foot - was more 'fun' than usual and, in higher altitudes, her ankle throbbed incessantly. It always would, now; hidden scars were just as real. And just as permanent.

"I mean, think about it; sight of  you could be enough to clear the market! Don't laugh." she grinned. "I'm bein' serious!"

She finished cutting the last leg from the hare and tossed it to the Wolf. It was already cooked; easier all-around that way, though it must try Gray's patience! 'Hah! Still worth the wait ain't it, furface!'  She sniffed, taking a deep breath. 'mm mmmm'.

"An' tellin' 'em you're Wise won't help either." she continued, still cutting. "People find a cousin wolf scary enough, let alone we tell 'em behind those big scary fangs, there's a mind lookin' back behind them eyes."
                                          
No sense in bein' the center of attention an' scarin' people half t' death in the process." She popped a slice of meat in her mouth."Humans can be funny 'bout other kind that way. Liver!" Switching the knife now buried in the hare's gut to her left hand, she pulled the liver with her right and tossed it to him.

'Would've shuddered at the thought of eatin' that once'  she mused wryly as he caught it in the air and tore in. Hells, she still wouldn't eat it if she had any choice; blech!

"So what then?" She rubbed her chin, thinking. Maybe they could split up, meet up again other side of town. No - obvious headaches with that idea. "But whatever we say or do, people are still gonna be intimidated by the likes o' you. It's human nature." Unless - if they thought he was 'safe'. Maybe if -

She winced; but it did make sense.

"What if...what if we say you're not wolf at all?" She glanced up to meet his quizzical gaze. "We could - she emphasized the word. "Could let on yer just a dog. Uh - kin to yer cousins, 'cept usually friendlier and more – well, controllable; least to us. We use 'em for herding, nightwatch an' protection, or sometimes just because we like havin' 'em around."

Gray gave her a dubious look.

"'Ey! We're pack creatures to, remember? Mutts can be lots o' goofy fun - an' damned useful, too.” She looked at him, thinking.

"Eh - maybe not." She chuckled. “Heh! I can picture it - no worries, sirs, nothin' to look at here - jus' another pet!" She rolled her eyes. "And tryin' to pull it at every town we go through - I mean, whatever we do you're still a Wolf; big, toothy - and a sight t' scare th' piss outta damned citybound!"  She rubbed a hand through her hair, unbound for the evening, leaving the knife in the hare. "People might buy it we put a collar on that neck - " She stopped short; 'Oh real nice, jackass....'  For a moment, she just looked at him, then waved it off. "Uhh, yeah; forget it, bad I -" Seeing his nod, she stopped short once again.

She blinked. Was he really - ? "A collar?"  She brought her hands to her neck, tracing around front to back. "You're jokin'; You even know what a collar is?"

Wait – how did he know what a 'collar' was?

Same way they picked up language, she guessed.
                          
"Yer serious?"

Nod                          
  
"Yer not serious!"

Nod

“Come on, you can't be serious. Look, it's no big deal either way, jus' inconvenience, that's all." She chuckled. "It's more about everyone else's comfort than ours, really." She stood to stretch her legs.

Her eyes came to rest on the knife, inlaid handle glinting in the firelight; a circle trisected by lines that swooped back as they curved away from center, the three sections so outlined like teardrops stretched and bent, each curving 'round the one behind it and the flat bottom and straight sides of the teardrops and circle defining the rim laid in silver plait. Other trappers, now...she wasn't sure she wanted to try explaining.

"Okay" she said, looking at him, "So you know what it is; but you don't get why wearing one should bother you?" Was he smirking at her?

She glared at him "Ya know, furface - a lotta my kind wouldn't think twice about you wearin' a collar even knowin' that you're Wise. An' if you had the experience to understand you'd see why that should bother you. For too damn many of my kind, Wise're nothin' more than  a rotted cousin with a few more tricks, and a bit o' extra wits thrown in. Cute 'n entertainin' diversion, maybe, but it's not like they're human - not like they're persons, deservin' a person's respect." Her voice began to rise; she didn't notice. "My own damn mother's that way. Oh, she'll listen ever so politely, almost like she gives a damn about it. But they won't get it, same as half th' damn human race - I'm feelin' generous - an' it's nothing to do but shut your trap an' move on to other things, grit your teeth and promise yerself to never be like that!" She turned back to him "So your pardon, Wolf, if I'm less than amused at the thought of walkin' around with one of those Wise collared like some godsdamned STREETMUTT!"

She couldn't have been five hands from where he lay holding a leg he'd been worrying, glaring down at him, eye-to-eye. And he turned, backed off.....
                            
'Rot.'

She could feel her pulse racing, her quickened breaths. Dammit; where'd that come from? She consciously relaxed the hand gripping her knife, clenched hard enough to tremble. Past year must've frayed her more than she'd realized. She shook her head. 'An' the Wolf's still crazy....' Brought a hand up to rub her neck. "Sorry.  I'm - ; Sorry." She turned back to the still-unfinished hare. "Jus' bothers me, that's all. Feels wrong. But -" she knelt down and began cutting a length of intestine " - you're probly right, much as I hate to admit it. Good idea, if we're tryin' to hide you in plain sight." She turned to toss the piece she'd cut to the Wolf; Stopped. He was standing right behind her.

Looking at him, she had a sudden impulse;  With a couple yanks of the knife, she cut off a smaller piece, offering with her hand. He took it, threw back and swallowed - then nosed her palm and gave a lick. She reached out, somethiing - impulse - prodding, to rub his shoulder. His back arched, pressing into it. Hesitant, almost, she brought her hand up to scratch his neck. His back sank to the ground, tail still. Her heart beat a little faster, rebuke prickling, ignored. “You know, furface - ” she said a bit tightly, cupping his jaw to bring the face up to meet hers, locking eyes, again - .
            
"It could be worse.”
 
« Last Edit: May 01, 2010, 12:43:01 AM by Howellfan »

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2010, 10:17:41 PM »
Ok, I read it all and AS MANY PROBLEMS AS THERE ARE, it is also a rather interesting and engaging book. It certainly rises above the average round here and deserves praise, at least for that.

But the problems, as the capitals may suggest, are many.

Quote
Intro: Rebecca, a trapper with a restless spirit. A 'Wise' wolf. Their strange friendship. And a gathering storm from out of the east. For her, nothing is the same, anymore.
This is not needed. It sounds like a blurb and really adds nothing to the world or the tale or anything like that.

Quote
Not soon. The wilderness - to watch the autumn sunrise crest the Dragon's Teeth like creation's dawn, silhouettes against a burning sky; to walk the hidden trails carved by beast common and Wise, unmarked by humankind, to feel yourself first to walk the Earth, stranger to the world - it was in her, a longing, a thirst that broke no denial.

You lived at the boundaries, your boundaries. There was clarity in Necessity; your preconceptions meant nothing to her.
There's a change in point of view, gradually turning from third person to second person. This is really quite a style thing to worry about so it's your choice, but the mentioning of "your preconceptions," is jarring because it's an unexplained dragging in of the reader without any sort buffer to soften the blow.

Quote
She'd taken a risk, last trip, starting back late; game was better far side, especially late in the autumn season. Still, barring disaster she'd been well on pace to make the pass with time to spare.
I have no idea what that means

Quote
hurting like hells but she'd managed it.
hurting like hells? like... plural hells?

Quote
Real problem was food - no rations, and lacking horse or two good legs her bow could be a plow for all the good it did her.
Punctuation is a problem throughout. especially here since it ruins the sentence. Not enough commas.

There are words missing in sentences. Small ones that hold the sentence together.

Quote
They had her gratitude, yes.
                 
But Gods, what misery!
Should really be one sentence. Though that said, it also should be part of a paragraph, but since there are no paragraphs here...

Quote
Sometimes waking to warmth, a presence (the same?) beneath her soft and comforting, barely noted as she slips again beneath the waves -
Again, punctuation

Quote
The fire was low but not yet out; life enough yet to blunt the evening chill. Looking in the direction of the howls she saw a Wolf standing at the farthest edge of the fires' light; he was turned away, twin candles looking back to her. Silent. Somehow, she thought she guessed it's identity - and that he wasn't staying to watch over cubs.

"So, you goin' with 'em or not?!" .               
 
The candles disappeared, the shape gone like a shadow, and only then did the Wolf add it's voice to the chorus.
as mysterious as that is, the delivery is quite similar to when you make mistakes. So it's hard to tell if you're being intentionally obscure or just clumsy.

Quote
"I mean, think about it; sight of  you could be enough to clear the market! Don't laugh." she grinned. "I'm bein' serious!"

She finished cutting the last leg from the hare and tossed it to the Wolf. It was already cooked; easier all-around that way, though it must try Gray's patience! 'Hah! Still worth the wait ain't it, furface!'  She sniffed, taking a deep breath. 'mm mmmm'.
The wolf needs more action, more emoting through movement. He can't talk so he has to deliver a performance through action. Think Wall-E but not so cute.

Actually, I checked out an early script for Wall-E. Here's a perfect example of action providing emotion:

Quote
ON TV SCREEN
         
          Two lovers sing gently to one another.
          They kiss...hold hands...
         
          Wall-E tilts his head as he watches.
          Curious.
          Holds his own hands.

It's so simple, and says everything.

I'm not expecting Pixar quality writing but it's something pull from.


See the thing is, I would not pull other writing and show most budding writers to show how they should be writing because that's too high a level for them. You have a good idea, and you understand how you should be telling it. Your structure's a mess but the talent is there.
Normally I would say good job, but to you I say
Work hard.

:)
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Howellfan

  • Avid Aardvark
  • *
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 19
    • Awards
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2010, 02:58:50 AM »
AsiaBunny, thank you for the detailed review - exactly the kind feedback I'm craving. I'll try to respond briefly to your comments.

Happily deleted the 'blurb' intro - don't know why I put it there in the first place; force of habit?

Yes; Hells, plural. Not all cultures believe in only one - and even Dante had his 'circles'. But, I have no defined belief system for this world, and as I use the single elsewhere I may drop the 's' completely if it confuses without adding anything. It's just an arbitrary affectation, anyway.

The idea of that line about the pass is that if winter hits the mountains before you cross them, you're stuck 'till spring. But again, the first half or so of the first chapter( maybe cut off and seperately label it 'introduction'?) is - not so nice. :P

Yes, the bit at the end of chapter one was completely intentional - at least that time.

Punctuation - *groan* I seem to be endlessly fiddling with comma's, hyphens, semicolons, paragraph breaks, dividing and combining different sentences to try to get them just right. Please tell me that it's at least in part an art, as well as technical competence.

Hope you noticed in the last chapter( meant 'the chapter below, not above in my earlier comment )and the one following in this post that I'm taking that 'paragraph' comment to hear. Already had the fight scene where it is, though. Should've seen it when I first wrote it - worse piece of run-on writing that start of chapter one! With patience and practice I think I've gotten it up to 'pretty darn good' now but....

Gray emoting - Yeah, I didn't set myself an easy task, did I? I do think I get better portraying him as the story goes on.  :/

And finally, thank, Thank, Thank you for the positive encouragement. Now that's how you finish a piece of constructive criticism. Hope to show that my writing improves as the story progresses!  :D

Now, enjoy! :)


______________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 4: 'Lucky Wolf'


She hated this stretch of forest, between the mountains and the plains. Too many things could happen to a lone pair of travelers - even a pair as strange as they.

It was, Rebecca knew, a foolish worry. Only the occasional trapper - in main part - traveled this deep in the foots; the trail beneath their feet was more dirt and mud than grass, bareness sign of few feet over many years and perpetual shade of the trees towering either side and above the trail, rather than any real use.

And it was for that foolishness – her embarrassment – she hated this pass. And still she scanned ahead, scanning the dense and towering forest to either side being futile - alert for sign that real predators lurked in the shadows.

At least trappers were small fish -

DAMN, she wished for a horse!

The Wolf paced a steady rhythm to her right, ears and eyes forward, alert. 'Reading me?' She should probably try to relax. Wasn't doing either of them any good.

By the time you saw it was probably too late, anyway.

Still in hill country, their trail ran between two wooded slopes, the path barely three shoulder-widths between them. They came to a bend in the road, a long turn, and halfway through Gray went rigid and in a blink was a silent blur disappearing into the undergrowth to their left.

"Uhhhhh – not good!” She was looking around, scanning for -

Somewhere beyond the bend she heard a scream and the sound of panicked horses. She ran ahead - which proved one of the dumbest decisions of her life: Two mounted figures blocked the road, in full armor - 'Whathefuk?!' - chain with plate curving in rows around the trunk and over shoulders with bows at full draw, and by the time she saw she could do nothing but drop like a stone to the dirt and hug the ground, to crawl on elbows to what she knew she would never reach as eternal seconds raced by she was moving too slow too damn slow as the trees drew closer and somehow, she was at the trees, pushing off to stumble through the treeline into the woods - why wasn't she hit?,  shrug off the damn pack with the useless damn unstrung bow, flatten her back against a trunk and peer over her shoulder at the road below; A glimpse of black, gleaming silver and gray -

'Godammit Gray giddout!'

She turned at a sound from above, a horse bearing down at full gallop, rider drawing sword as she crouched and drew and let fly at the horse, letting the momentum of the throw carry her to the ground and rolling over, and over and over she was going downward she couldn't stop and she was back on the Godsdamn road.

Behind her the horse came crashing from the woods, stumbling and hitting the ground in a tangle of legs and armor, and a fierce smile bared it's teeth to see the rider caught beneath the rolling horse, and she gave a shout, a roar when she saw the blade buried in it's chest. Gambler's luck -

But not that lucky - the rider was moving to rise, not so injured as she hoped and her only weapon stuck in the dying horse beside him. Try to take him still on the ground or make for the woods? A movement in the corner of her eye, she turned; Gray, coming full speed - but not to her. A glimpse of bare fangs, of his eyes - and he was past her, on the rider not yet to his feet, scream cut short with a crimson spray. He turned to run again, stopped, flew over the horse and had her blade in a single motion before he landed. A running snap of his head and the knife was flying, skidding toward and past her as he disappeared again into the trees.

She stood, turned to pick up the knife - and froze. An armored figure stood in the road, bow drawn. And she knew she'd had too much luck already. Knew he wouldn't miss. Knew she was dead -

And the man held, turned at a growl that filled the air and chilled the blood and the beast was on him. Rebecca looked away. Creak of metal, choked-off scream and it was -

Over? She held up a hand to Gray.

Hoofbeats echoed in the trees, and only when long minutes passed without incident did she finally let herself relax. To take a knee, exhausted, trembling, shock chasing adrenaline.

Lucky - so damned lucky. She should be dead.

Would be dead, save for - 'Gray Eyes'. He was trotting towards her. "I'm alright, jus' a little shaken - ey'! Take care where you stick that! I'll be fine. Now sidown, 'ere...." She knelt to feel him over - his legs, back and sides - but none of the red in his coat seemed to be his. She ended roughing his neck. "Mmmmm, my braave Wolf. Huh, some killer!" she said, when he reacted to her scratch between the ears; the way his eyes slitted. She liked that.

Picking up her knife, she stood. Gestured over her shoulder with a thumb at the dead horse behind her; good mount from the look of it, a charger with skin white as winter snow, now crimson in spots. "So tell me, friend - what's a gang in full dress ridin' mounts like that doin' out here?"

He stared.

"Yeah. Well - no sense wastin' it; least I contributed somethin' to the fight. Hungry?" He leapt to his feet.

"I'll take it that's a 'yes'." Rebecca laughed. She picked up the knife, a brief, painful memory flashing as the handle's silver-laid design catches the light; of the man who brought her into the guild, who taught her to throw it. 'Thanks, Jack; Found a use after all.'

A single slice to split the horse along the middle: "Dinner is served."

She tried not to look at the body a few hands away.


***
 

Later, on the trail again, she thought back over the fight; Gray bolting into the woods, in full attack - how much of his actions had been on good evidence, how much guess? This time he guessed right (thank Gods), but guesses could be wrong. Dangerously wrong. Maybe she'd talk with him....

They came to a bend in the road, and Gray stopped, gesturing with his head.

Rebecca's heart skipped. "What is it?"

A low growl as he gestures again, more emphatic. Wha - oh. "Go on ahead?"

Nod, and a look roughly translatable as 'Gee, ya think?!'

"Aright aright, I get it." She cautiously followed the bend - and froze. 'Lucky, lucky Wolf!' A stallion stood in the road, pure, jet black, in full tack and harness. It could only be one of the mounts from the earlier fight.

There had been four waiting for them in ambush; two in the the road and one to each side. Their armour and mounts spoke of money, maybe even professionals. Why way out her, going after the likes of her?

She didn't like her answers.

She walked toward it slowly, clucking and cajoling. The horse was nervous, and moved farther up the trail a couple of times as she drew near, but in the end it let her approach and take the bridle. Well, all right then; Problem solved.


That night:

Rebecca sat, glaring at first the Wolf, then the wide-eyed stallion straining at the end of it's lead, then back again.

Gods-be-praised she'd had the sense to be on the ground leading it when it first caught sight of the Wolf! She'd had to fight the entire trip to keep it from bolting. With her pack still on her back, naturally, until she could rig something appropriate for said horse. Her shoulders hurt in new and interesting ways.

The Wolf thought it all about the most hilarious thing imaginable.

She glared. 'Lucky Wolf, my ass!'
« Last Edit: May 02, 2010, 07:11:39 PM by Howellfan »

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2010, 05:02:53 PM »
Quote
PS: Asiabunny's also right about the structure - it's an affectation that - it seems - is me overcompensating for the limitations of the written word - which I don't think you really appreciate untill yor writing. In general, I hate story-stopping paragraphs of description and expositon(have I mentioned how much I hate the opening part of Chapter one? Tongue ), and am struggling to figure out how to establish the flow, the pacing, feel and 'atmosphere' of a scene, and to fit description and a character's thoughts into that pacing. So - I end up breaking up too far. I just did some consolidation of the chapter above below. More effective?

I can see what you mean. You want things to have a flow and you're encouraging that flow. That's totally your choice, but personally I think that if you're going to break a structural convention, you need a really good reason for it.

Quote
"Alright, alright - if you wanna know, aside from statin' th' obvious my point is, not too long an' we'll be somewhere I can lighten my burden a little, prefrably in exchange for at least a horse - ”
                       
'Any horse.'  Rebecca flexed her shoulders; buckskin gave her skin some protection from the ropes, but it still rubbed. "An' with any luck, lodging as well; and that could make things difficult."

Truth be told, she'd intentionally avoided thinking about the problems his accompanying her back might present, but now they were other side of the 'Teeth she had to face up and start planning how to deal with them.

I see no reason why this can't be done in one paragraph. I know you want to break things up to have that seperation of different aspects, or actions, or dialogue, but the reader can do that themselves. It's what punctuation is for.

Quote
Punctuation - *groan* I seem to be endlessly fiddling with comma's, hyphens, semicolons, paragraph breaks, dividing and combining different sentences to try to get them just right. Please tell me that it's at least in part an art, as well as technical competence.

Punctuation can be considered an art though it is definitely the most interminable and mindnumbingly dull part of learning how to write. The way I do it is to think about the spaces. Read it out, see where there's a space, and if there is, think about why there's a space. That will tell you which punctuation to put, or whether to put one at all. This technique is ofcourse secondary to just learning grammar rules, but nobody wants to do that.


Now to this new chapter:

Quote
'Whaaa - ?'
for the love of all that is holy, get rid of this. It's totally unnecessary and just confuses things.

Quote
chain with plate curving in rows around the trunk and over shoulders with bows at full draw
Had to read this a couple of times to make sense of it. The first time reading it, I had to guess that you meant chainmail and plate mail, and that the trunk meant... stomach? chest? torso area in general? When I first read it, i immediately thought Tree

Quote
crimson spray
Crimson is a cliche colour, I try to avoid it at all costs since the people most likely to use it are children wanting to sound mature. The same goes for azure. I have only seen azure used right, once. Just once. I've never seen crimson used right. People think they cant use plain words like red, or blood. There's nothing wrong with those words and there's no reason to complicate things with flowery language for the sake of it. But then that's just my opinion. I'm pretty sure H.P. Lovecraft would disagree, or perhaps the army of romance novelists out there. I just think crimson sounds childish.

Quote
He turned to run again, stopped, flew over the horse and had her blade in a single motion before he landed. A running snap of his head and the knife was flying, skidding toward and past her as he disappeared again into the trees.
had to read that a few times as well.

Quote
"I'm alright, jus' a little shaken - ey'! Take care where you stick that!
Gray needs action here. We can only guess that she's talking about the knife.

Quote
Huh, some killer!" she said, when he reacted to her scratch between the ears; the way his eyes slitted. She liked that.
put his reaction before "huh, some killer." it makes things seem more immediate and makes the reader feel like they are there rather than it being told to them.



You seem to have a problem about clarity; at least when I'm reading it. Use more proper nouns, use more solid language.

Also, there is description in this chapter, and that's good, but there could be more to help things out. There's nothing wrong with description, at least just to set the scene. Other wise it's just actors in an empty space, with a few trees dotted around. Adjectives are your friend.



Regardless though, that was... a nice chapter. Things happened and I'm guessing they are precursors for something big to come in the future, but for now it's just a nice chapter with a bit of action. A pleasant read. Nothing in there to grab me. The other chapters had whispers of that grab. How you regain that grabbing? don't ask me, it's not my story :P

Anyway, work hard, do well, because this has the potential of being really good.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Howellfan

  • Avid Aardvark
  • *
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 19
    • Awards
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2010, 09:35:01 PM »
Asiabunny: May comment more here later - gotta go right now. A little more to 'grab' you, this chapter? :P :)

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________


Chapter 5: 'Mine'

The tavern door opened, two newcomers silhouetted in the light of the afternoon sun. Nobody took note of the buckskin-clad woman who entered first - mid-to-late 20's, average height with blond hair gathered in a ponytail. Female trappers were unusual, but not remarkable.

Everyone turned to look at the beast that came after, behind and close at her side – an enormous canine, coat rippling in shades of gray fading to white and a predators' gaze. " ~ I have lost my damned mind. ~ "  Rebecca muttered through her teeth, as everyone turned to look at them. She walked up to the counter. "Haven't seen you through here in a while." said the bartender, smiling.
                                          
"'Ey John; How's business?"  

He shrugged. "Same as ever, nothing changed - still the crossroads to nowhere."

'If you say so.'

"What'll it be?"

"Same as ever; cheap liquor 'n a few days' rest."

"To sleep it off, no doubt. Good thing you like the cheap stuff, 'cause it's all we get here. The usual?"

"You remember?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Yer hard to forget." He was looking at her companion, then glanced at the window; "Say - that your horse outside?"

"'Aye." She held up her hand. "Don't ask." The horse had finally – finally! - begun to relax around the Wolf. She would not yet trust it to carry her, though. She took a seat. "And don't worry 'bout Gray here." she said, reaching down to pat the Wolf laying next to her. "He's harmless." He gave her the price, she paid and he went to get her drink.  

"Godsdamn trappers!" Patron to her left. Staring at her, she saw with the side of her eye. He was big.

Drunk, as well. "How's that?" She asked, not turning to look at him.

"Put thir own second to a pack of fukin' brutes, is how!"

"Ah." still looking straight ahead "You mean petty things, like 'don't steal their land, don't murder 'em, keep yer godsdamn hands off their persons' - things like that?"

"I mean putting thir own kin second to a bunch of filthy **censor**' Beasts!" He jumped to his feet. Rebecca pushed back her chair to follow; Now she did turn to look at - er, up at the hairless man.

"Aw, th'poor mistreated humans; I'm all teared up. Seriously – I, I think I might need a hug."

"I'll give you huug!" He made a clumsy swing at her. She ducked and in the instant momentum carried, had him over the bar, solid arm bent behind his back with one hand - and knife at his throat with the other. He froze.

"Momma never told you it's not nice to hit a lady?" she hissed in his ear. With a shove she stepped back, sheathed her knife - and the asshole swung at her again, a clay jug this time. He missed, stumbled from the counter and suddenly -

"GRAAAAY!"

The Wolf had the man on the ground, bent over him growling, claws on his chest and bare fangs inches from his throat.

She raced over to him, heart racing. 'Rot, this could bad! Ummmm - ' Reaching out, she grabbed the collar and yanked, dragging him off. Before he did more than yelp with surprise, hissed " ~ Play along ~ " in his ear, praying he'd take the damned hint. She grabbed a handful of scruff and shook hard. "No!" Grabbed his chin to glare eye-to-eye; "No! Bad dog!" She rapped his muzzle lightly. "No."

In answer to his questioning eye, she bent to again bring her mouth to his ear. " ~ We'll talk later. ~ " She rose back to a half-crouch. "Lie down an' stay." she said, pointing at him. He dropped to the floor, eyes following her as she rose.

Rebecca looked to the man struggling rise from his back, then around at the tavern's few patrons, some standing; Everyone was looking at her. Well; Good. "Sorry 'bout that, John." she said, rising. "He can be protective."

"Can't say as I'd blame him." John's voice was loud enough for all to hear. "Jackass had it coming!" Judging by the response of the other patrons, he wasn't the only one who thought so. Rebecca flashed him a grateful look

Still, his eyes didn't leave the Wolf.

Feet at last regained, the man took a step – a step closer to her. 'This asshole – does – not – learn.' Hand near the knife at her hip, Rebecca stared him cold. “Can't promise as I'd be so quick, next time.” Looking first to the laying, watchful Wolf, then the other patrons turning now to him, the man finally took the hint. "Next time." With an angry finger jabbed at Rebecca, eyes suddenly clear: "Watch your back, trapper - trails're getting dangrous."

'Hello - '

Before he turned at last, to stumble out the door.

“You okay?”

Rebecca stared after the man. “Yeah - ” She turned to John. “Yeah, I'm fine.” Then to Gray. "I should probly leave too. Sorry 'bout the fuss."

He grinned. "Don't think of it; Ey - ” John's eyes shifted to the floor. “Jug didn't even break.” He grinned. “An' besides - he did have it coming."

“Still does.” Rebecca turned again to the door. John followed her gaze. "You not worried about - " "No - " She half-drew her knife, motioned to Gray with her thumb. "Y'think he's that drunk?" John laughed; "An' if he is, what's to worry 'bout anyways? Look, inn's just up the road - you go on ahead, I'll see to the horse."

Rebecca smiled; "Thanks, John." 'You have no idea.'

She grabbed her shot off the counter; Tilted back and drained it in one swallow, then got her and Gray the rot out of there.

***

"Dammit Gray, you can't do that." Rebecca closed the door behind her.

They were at the inn, just arrived at their room; spartan, bare unpainted wooden walls with a single small, dim wavy window set high in one and barely enough room for the bed and two of them.

Gray, in ahead of her, lay down.

Good idea. She sat on the bed( Feathers now! Nice. ). Bent over, pressing both hands to her forehead; Sat up again.

"D'you have any idea how ugly people can get about a beast with a taste of human blood? Any beast? Your defense, mine - wouldn't matter. You don't let a man-killer run free, an' Wise or not might not matter either - assumin'  we even had a chance to demonstrate that minor detail." That some might think it more reason to kill him, she didn't say.

"Look, I know" - 'I think' - "you weren't gonna kill 'im - he'd've been dead when he hit the floor. But they damn-well didn't! That kinda crap'll get us tossed out!"

Gods, maybe the hassle wasn't worth it, at thatl -

She looked at the Wolf. "Look - the whole point of this damn circus act is so people don't feel scared around you - they feel safe." Gray grinned. "Well, safer leastwise - and th' only way we do that is if they think you're under 'control'. 'Jus' another mutt', remember? That's your role - least in public. Don't stay in character an' the game's over." She rubbed her eyes. "Now - " she said, leaning forward, "If you've come to your senses, an' don't feel like playin' 'dumb pet' every town we stop at, we can try another tack - "
                                              
He shook his head.

"No?" she leaned back. "Well then, if you're gonna play dumb pet, then gods well Act Like It!

'Whoaah - easy girl!'  Where th' blood that come from? Feeling the room sway, she closed her eyes a moment. Oh - right. She looked at Gray. He'd taken a couple steps back, watching her from the corner of his eye.

Rot.

What had his rank been back in the pack? Pretty high from what she remembered( though what she'd seen had been little enough she could be mistaken ). But to tell the way he acted around her - thin-skinned, temperamental her - not a Wolf even! What was it with him?

She smirked; if the man at the tavern could see him now – The image of his face when he raced past her back on the trail flashed in her mind.

Ah, damn....

"'Ey!" She gave a quick whistle, taking a knee as she beckoned him over. "Come 'ere." He trotted over; she tapped the floor in front of her. "Siddown, friend."  She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Look - " she said, looking him eye-to-eye. "All I'm saying is; Sit back, relax, an' follow my lead here. The guy back there - jackass was drunk damn-near cross-eyed, and I'm pretty darn quick myself, case you hadn't noticed. I could handle him." Well, usually - barring bad luck, anyway....

She ran her hand down the side of his neck. "Ya gotta trust me, Gray. Back there on the trail you damn sure saved my ass, but if we're gonna do this, I need you to trust me. Do you think you can do that for me?"

"Jus' let go, and trust."

His head dropped, muzzle pressing forward - to her surprise - to bury itself under her arm. She heard a soft whine; He pulled back to lick her chin, making her laugh, not near as startled as she should have been....

Grown uncomfortable in her crouch, She drew both legs under her to sit. Ended with his head resting in her lap, raking lines along his neck, his back, liking - loving - the site of him; Relaxed and vulnerable, eyes half-lidded, given over completely.

She reached over, grasped the scruff of his neck and shook it gently. And felt a shiver run down his spine....                                                                                


***


She woke with a moan.

The dreams again; of Jack. Not the final days. Worse - of good times, on the trail, talking, teaching, teasing; of sweet, sweet evenings - all somehow heightened by a small part of her mind that even in sleep knew the truth and remembered the loss, giving the pleasure of  those moments a fierce, desperate urgency -

Until it was suddenly, inevitably wrenched away, shades burned off in the morning light and he was lost to her again.

Knock at the door. Once more.

'Horse must've gotten here.'  She was still sitting. Gray stood facing her - it was his movement that brought her awake. "Coming!" She made to rise. Youch - Rot! Did her back ache! How long had it been? Not long enough for the drink to burn off.

She opened the door. A young boy, early adolescence, stood  there. "Man 'ere with a horse he claims is yours?" He sounded dubious. 'Boy, you'd never believe....'                                                

A short time later, the rest of her belongings brought up and secured - well, as out of the way as possible in the confines of their room - she sat on the( literally! )feather-soft bed. She was sore, bleary-eyed - and quite happy to miss as much of burndown when the liquor wore off as possible.

Ugh, good night. She quickly undressed and sat, ready to collapse into slumber. "G'night mutt." she said, half-teasing, reaching down with her right hand to fuss his neck.

She stopped, hesitating; "Gray - "

Feeling -

Another day and time, with defenses raised she'd have fought the impulse; For guilt, or boundaries( his and hers' ); Chance of misreading leading to one gods-rottin' mess....

Not here, now. Cupping - holding -  his jaw with the right hand she gripped the scruff with her other, raising his head to lock eyes.

"You are mine, aren't you - pup?" Low, commanding; Her eyes fierce intensity. She didn't need the confirmation in his eyes.

She already knew.
« Last Edit: May 03, 2010, 07:07:46 PM by Howellfan »

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2010, 06:42:26 AM »
As always, problems problems problems. all in a days work. writing is rewriting and all those other little  sayings that veterans like to say.

At the basic level, i can see so much potential in this. this could feel so real, this could feel so amazing, but you have no technique whatsoever. It's just a jumble of thoughts thrown on the screen.

The three major things that hit me.
This should be in first person. The narrator is pretty much in her voice anyway.
You need to show things more rather than tell them. They got to the inn? then show them open the door to their room, or describe the room before you do anything with them. Remember, description is not evil.
and most of all, CLARITY AND PUNCTUATION

Ok so before I go into detail, remember, you are talented, you just need to learn how to control that.

Here are the notes I made when reading:

unconvincing dialogue. they feel like puppets. It feels like you're trying to hard to provide information through dialogue. If it's a rather dull unchanging place, you dont need to say it three different ways in one sentence. Also actions and reactions, body language is essential.

Quote
side of her eye
corner of her eye

Quote
He was big.

Drunk, as well.
again, no need to seperate. Also, if he's drunk, don't just say he is. Show how you can tell that he's drunk

Quote
"Put thir own second to a pack of *****' brutes, is how!"
careful with swearing, or you'll face the wrath of the mods. The same can be said for all audiences. If a publishing company or just some random bunch of people have certain rules (particularly publishing companies) then make sure you know those rules and act accordingly.

also, "their own second"? oh right there's supposed to be a comma there.

Quote
She ducked and in the instant momentum carried, had him over the bar, solid arm bent behind his back with one hand
Clarity required

Quote
Now she did turn to look at - er, up at the hairless man.
something like this makes me think that this really should be a first person piece. the descriptions are as though she's saying it anyway.

Quote
Judging by the response of the other patrons, he wasn't the only one who thought so
what was their response? what did they do? This is a book, not an instruction manual, show dont tell.

Quote
Hello - '

Before he turned at last, to stumble out the door.

“You okay?”

Rebecca stared after the man.
wait what's happening here? There's so much confusion. 'Before' should not be in there, 'You okay?' has no indication as to whos saying it and the last person to talk was the drunk dude so it looks like he suddenly switched personalities. Clarity is desperately needed here.

Quote
"You not worried about - " "No - " She half-drew her knife
new person speaking equals new line, all in the name of clarity

Quote
Look, inn's just up the road
Doesn't she already know this area? I thought she'd been to the inn plenty of times.

Quote
They were at the inn, just arrived at their room
Again, show don't tell. Show them entering their room. Plus with such a long section of being in one room, I was rather looking forward to just a snippet of walking through the streets to the inn. Just a few sentences describing the scenery.

Quote
dim wavy window set high in one and barely enough room for the bed and two of them.
punctuation and clarity.

"D'you have any idea how ugly people can get about a beast with a taste of human blood? Any beast? Your defense, mine - wouldn't matter. You don't let a man-killer run free, an' Wise or not might not matter either - assumin'  we even had a chance to demonstrate that minor detail." That some might think it more reason to kill him, she didn't say.

Quote
"Look, I know" - 'I think' - "you weren't gonna kill 'im - he'd've been dead when he hit the floor. But they damn-well didn't! That kinda crap'll get us tossed out!"
Where are Grey's reactions to all this?

Quote
The image of his face when he raced past her back on the trail flashed in her mind.
what did he even look like? all i know is that he was big and bald.

Quote
"Man 'ere with a horse he claims is yours?" He sounded dubious. 'Boy, you'd never believe...
Again, clarity. is she dubious of him or is he dubious of her? oh and what was she gonna think after it trailed off? It just not clear what she was getting at.

Quote
she sat on the( literally! )feather-soft bed.
if you're gonna mention the bed twice, you might as well describe the feeling of being in such a soft bed, allowing the reader to feel it too.

Quote
Not here, now. Cupping - holding -  his jaw with the right hand she gripped the scruff with her other, raising his head to lock eyes.

"You are mine, aren't you - pup?" Low, commanding; Her eyes fierce intensity. She didn't need the confirmation in his eyes.

She already knew.
Very... very... good. You have grabbed me.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Howellfan

  • Avid Aardvark
  • *
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 19
    • Awards
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2010, 01:45:01 PM »
Hah - believe it or not, when I wrote the exchange at the beginning( I assume that's what you're refferencing by 'say it three different ways in one sentence' ), I really was just trying to write dialog. Though yes, I can see better dialog to put there, now.

Quote
This should be in first person. The narrator is pretty much in her voice anyway.

Yes, I have been telling the story in third-person personal( term? )focused on Rebecca. Re-glossing it when I'm finished as a first person narrative - would take some work; but it's also an interesting thought. And boy, you'll probably really be thinking so, next chapter! I'll think on it. I do have a very clear sense of how I want to go about writing, what I want to emphasize and convey - as you say, it's translating 'idea' to good technique that's the problem.

Quote
Quote
She ducked and in the instant momentum carried, had him over the bar, solid arm bent behind his back with one hand

Clarity required

Actually, as long as the basic fact that she cought his arm while he was off-balance is clear ( Is it? ), I was happy to leave the exact details to the imagination.

Agreed on the swearing - my bad; Will try to be more careful.


Quote
'You okay?' has no indication as to whos saying it and the last person to talk was the drunk dude so it looks like he suddenly switched personalities. Clarity is desperately needed here.

Agreed.

Quote
new person speaking equals new line

Agreed.

Quote
Doesn't she already know this area? I thought she'd been to the inn plenty of times.

Well, yes. But 'Look, [since the] inn's just up the road, you go ahead - ' isn't as conversational; It's an understood silent. As is his meaning in context of the conversation.

Quote
Again, show don't tell. Show them entering their room. Plus with such a long section of being in one room, I was rather looking forward to just a snippet of walking through the streets to the inn. Just a few sentences describing the scenery.

See below.

Quote
punctuation and clarity.

"D'you have any idea how ugly people can get about a beast with a taste of human blood? Any beast? Your defense, mine - wouldn't matter. You don't let a man-killer run free, an' Wise or not might not matter either - assumin'  we even had a chance to demonstrate that minor detail." That some might think it more reason to kill him, she didn't say.

See below - and: Passages like this make me think that, grit my teet at the thought, I might actually need to bone up on my -advanced! - rules of punctuation. I can use commas, dashes, semicolons etc. competently enough in moderation, but sometimes for passages like the above, I'm uncertain where the discreet sentences should break down, for starters. So....yeah. *meep*

Not enough reacton for Gray: See below.

Quote
Quote
The image of his face when he raced past her back on the trail flashed in her mind.
what did he even look like? all i know is that he was big and bald.

Uh, apparently worse clarity here than you know; I meant the Wolf!  :?

*Quotes end of chapter*, then:
Quote
Very... very... good. You have grabbed me.
:D

A question: The central challenge of this story for me, was that I knew where I wanted the two of them to end up, but how to get them there when one parties' reluctant and the other mute, in a way that was believable and 'natural'? If nothing else, how well did I manage that?

*You have reached 'Below'. * Look, frankly if this chapter doesn't need a re-write, it at least should probably be about half-again longer than it is right now. The dialog need tweeked. The taven wants description. The fight with the 'man' needs a better buildup. There's some brief description of their room in the next chapter that may - no, probably will be moved to this chapter one day, and the scenes after they leave the bar need lighting; it wants atmosophere, doesn't it? In Retrospect, the hoped-for brevity of the story served as an excuse for laziness. Something to come back to when I tackle the introductory chapter, casting this whole mess into some kind of single version '1.0'

By contrast, the next chapter I'll post has been largely rewritten, necessitated by two things: I fealt the dialogue could be improved, and the back-story I'd had for the 'baddies' mentioned didn't quiet make sense to me, so I had to reconsider it. Let's see when it's added how it fare's in light of some of my weaknesses. :)

As always, much thanks for the feedback; it really does help! :)
« Last Edit: May 06, 2010, 02:21:15 PM by Howellfan »

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2010, 02:38:34 PM »
Quote
Actually, as long as the basic fact that she cought his arm while he was off-balance ( Is it? ) is clear, I was happy to leave the exact details to the imagination.

That's the thing, on first, second, and to some extent even a third reading, it was confusing. The biggest problem was:
Quote
She ducked and in the instant momentum carried, had him over the bar, solid arm bent behind his back with one hand
You dont specify whose arm that is, as it could be either of them, which threw me off half way through the sentence, so I stopped reading the rest of the sentence properly because i was trying to decipher what was going on.

Quote
Well, yes. But 'Look, [since the] inn's just up the road, you go ahead - ' isn't as conversational; It's an understood silent. As is his meaning in context of the conversation.
That's the problem with text. There's no tone unless directly specified. On its own, without explanation, it doesnt work.

Quote
A question: The central challenge of this story for me, was that I knew where I wanted the two of them to end up, but how to get them there when one parties' reluctant and the other mute, in a way that was believable and 'natural'? If nothing else, how well did I manage that?
In terms of a physical destination or emotional?

Physically, the girl doesn't seem so reluctant.... actually emotionally she's not that reluctant either. She just kind of accepts Gray's devotion and runs with it. She's not actively persuing anything but she's not shying away from anything either. She just takes things as they come. But if we ignore the idea that she is supposed to be reluctant, then it does have a rather natural progression.
As for Gray himself, as i said before, since he's mute, he NEEDS to emote through action. So far there is very little focus on him, though as you said, you will rewrite.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Howellfan

  • Avid Aardvark
  • *
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 19
    • Awards
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2010, 06:33:51 PM »
Well, perhaps 'conflicted' would've been a better choice of words.

Quote
Shaking her head, she resumed her seat to continue eating. The fish stopped halfway to her mouth, small smile on her lips as she stared again at the Wolf. The sight struck her as almost domestic. Wolf could fair pass for a big oversized -

A stab of guilt as the smile died. 'Yeah, crazy – your mother's daughter, ain't you?'

Anyway - and yes, I meant personally - the important thing is that it's a natural progression. :)

A couple things about the next chapter: First, yes - I just noticed that it still should have at least a glimpse outside. There's one in the next chapter on, but there really should be one here if not earlier. I can only say that I'm both re-editing this story as I post along and posting to multiple sites( because I finally practically rewrote the dialog in this chapter to make it fluid, I'm going to have to repost it at another site - fot the second time in three days! ), for now, for the sake of my sanity - :P

Also; Dialog = Not easy! *Grr* At least if you want to do it well. How well does it work, this chapter?

So; Enjoy! :)


___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________


Chapter  6: 'Rumors'


The darkness faded to gray; Gave way to light. YOUCH! To black, again. Thaaaaat hurt. She covered her eyes; One more time, now - Slowly.

With a groan, Rebecca pushed herself up in bed, palms over her eyes, rubbing. With a flip of the cover she turned to sit, room slowly - and not a little painfully - coming into focus. She licked her lips – ugh - wincing at the light coming through the window. It would be east-facing! What had happened last night -

S—t! Her eyes snapped to Gray, who stood watching her, tail sweeping slowly back and forth. Da--it - she had lost her damned mind - No! She was drunk. With one shot? Well, at least he'd -  Rebecca put her face in her hands and groaned;  Looked again at the Wolf. Finally asked, "Gone out since yesterday?"

A turn of his head; No, he wouldn't have, would he? Damn. "Okay, alright - " She brushed a hand through her hair. "Gimme - uff - give me a few moments to get dressed. “She struggled into her leathers - a bit stiffly – and bound her hair; Comb it out later. Hell, she thought, pulling tight the belt holding her knife - maybe just cut it short; Less of a hassle.                                      
                                                
A slip of the latch and Rebecca pulled open the door. Paused, to look back to the Wolf. 'Ah, Gray – .' For a good moment, stood looking, hand on the handle. 'What am I into now, cousin?' At last, smallest of smiles touching her lips she crouched, to roughly muss the top of his neck, and as the Wolf slid his forepaws forward, bending in an arched, stretching bow, eyes half-closed moved around the neck, to the base of the chin to finish, as she rose, with a tap to the grinning Wolf's nose. "Let's go – pup." And with a glint to her eye, turned to walk - Gray following - through the doorway.
                                              

***


The dining area – though of spartan build - was a pleasant enough place to take a meal. Open and well-lit, the roof was lined on both sides with opaque, wavy windows. tall and narrow, and to circulate the air a gap ran down the apex, a second roof covering it and a row of planks, joining bank to bank, shoring it just below the peak. The place functioned as both common area for the inn's tenant's, and restaurant - at price - to the community of steaders and settlers in the surrounding land, doubtless the Inn's primary source of income. At the scent - scents - of cooking, Rebecca felt her mouth begin to water. She thought, with some amusement, Gray's must be doing the same, noting the Wolf's brief sniffing of the air as they walked in.

The few patrons within looked up at her entrance – or Gray's entrance, Rather. One of them she recognized, seated with a friend; Both fellow guild, he a few years older than Rebecca. "'Becca!" He waved her over. She came to his table and took a chair, Gray laying next to her; Bent to give him a pat before turning to the others. "'Ey Nate." He was a hand-n-half taller than her, with green eyes, sand-pepper hair. “What they got good?”

He shrugged. “Same dearmeat an' eggs as ever.” Looked over her shoulder to motion for the serving girl, already heading to them.  

Huh. “Fair kill for some fish.”

“Least you didn't hafta kill it. Ey - ” He turned to Gray. “Where'd you pick him up?" Oboy; "Ehh, long story – ah!” The serving girl had arrived.  

After Rebecca finished ordering, she turned to Nate. “So, who's this fine-fellow friend, here?' she grinned, looking to the trapper beside him; By looks, about ten years his senior. "Ah, apologies, m'lady." Nate turned to the man; "This fine fellow 'ere is Jake Runner - crankiest ass this side of the Rivers." Jake grinned, and Rebecca smiled back. Looking to Jake, Nate gestured to Rebecca. “An' this fine lady, here, is Rebecca - " he paused, grinning. No – Rebecca waved him off; No, no no. " - Sunshine." He finished with a smirk. Rot. "Which she doesn't like people knowin' on account of it bein' such a misnomer an' all." Rebecca flashed him something obscene. He laughed again.

"Looks like she's ready to prove it, too.” Jake said, chuckling. He turned to Rebecca; “Now, that any kind of behavior for a refined lady like yourself?" Rebecca snorted; Refined, hell! Trappers were a different breed, especially in each other's company. "So, what news?".

They stopped, glancing to each other, then back to her. Nathan leaned forward, serious. "How long you been out?"  

"Too long; Why?"

"Rebellion in the Isles."

“Another one.” Rebecca muttered; Then looked from one, to the other. “And?”

"And, the 'human-proggies' - " Rebecca's eyes snapped squarely to Nate; No - "Are the prime beneficiaries of this 'people's rebellion'." he finished in confirmation.

"S--t." she whispered, quietly. 'No one saw that coming'.

The self-styled 'Guild for the Progress of Man' – or 'guilds', rather, separate groups having sprung up on all the offshore isles, and even among the shores of Mainland's south-eastern gulf; Poison, in the cradle of man – born of too many people, too little land, forged against the persecutions of tyrants and seeded from the propaganda of the same.

The rulers of those Isles had long envied the space and plenty of the Mainland states – most specially those westernmost and least settled, and more western still the commons, that land between those states and the teeth whose governance had been by accord, to keep the peace forsworn by all, allowing the settlements within to go their own way, provided they brought no threat – and the closest thing to common rule was the Guild, to whom they were more want than others to bend an ear. Lands, as well, to which the denizens of their states were want to run, despite the rulers' own best efforts against it. Even the land beyond the 'Teeth, province of the other Wise, they sometimes envied; But, smaller in territory and resource, none had dared the breech of tradition and accord.

But this 'guild' – these 'lovers of man' -  were the Isles' wrongs in tens and hundreds. Determined to see men 'united', triumphal in their praise of human craft and human  engineering – set explicitly against the 'natural order' – they despised all other Wise that walked the earth, and the guild doubly so, the both only good in the dying.

And now -

“So - they've a Gods-be state, now?”  Her meal arrived: Duck stew, in a simple clay bowl with boiled eggs in the like, cool-stored water in a wooden cup. The serving girl gone, she barely noted them. “Gods. What else?”

“Rumors – rumors plenty.” Jake picked up. “There's tension down the coast – bet that's no rumor, at least.”

“For fear of what; Attack? Every state in a month's journey would come after them.”

“Don't protect against intruque.”

“Then they'd find keeping a prize harder than the taking. Man-lovies are mad clowns, even on the coast; Power wants backing.”

“No worries.” Nate shrugged. “Find an enemy.” He looked at Rebecca. “There's also rumor that trappers are disappearing - "

“S—t!“ Rebecca muttered. “That's no rumor - think I met that rumor! Four, on horseback. Oh -” She took a swallow from her cup. “I came out the better of it, though.”

"Oh?" They looked at her; Waiting.

“I liked their mounts. They were nice – very nice.”

“Uh-huhhh” From Nate.

"Hey - would I lie? Hey - I'll take you out back an' show you the damned horse if you won't take my word! 'Is tack as well. Tell me I bought it." She took another swallow. Another moment's silence, then; “You're serious! Four riders.”

“Yep” Rebecca made a cutting motion at her neck. “An' if there's trappers disappearing, mark they were in it.” She started eating.

“You sure of that?”

Rebecca stared up from her bowl to answer. “Trust me, Nate – they were in it.”

“So, how come you didn't disappear?”

“Well - ” Rebecca thought a moment. “Let's jus' say I had some luck from - unexpected quarters. By them, at least - thank gods.”

“Uh-huh.” he folded his arms. “Luck.”

“Luck!” Rebecca said cheerily as she bent to give Gray a rub. “Fine - don't tell us.” Nate finally said.

 “We should have your luck.” said Jake. “We head out first light, tomorrow. Together.” Rebecca looked at him. "Which way?"

"West." Nate. He leaned closer. “You're headin' east, right? Home?”

“Yeah.”

“Use some company goin' in? Say the word.” They both waited on her answer. Rebecca thought. Thought for a good moment, then shook her head. “No – no, don't worry about it. Go where you want, jus' – watch each other's backs, y'hear?”

“Good advice at any time.” Jake said, grasping her arm; "And you, watch your ass."

***

Gray and Rebecca stood outside her room. She crouched in front of him. "Well, I'll bet yer feelin' hungry." One thing or another, neither of them had eaten anything the day before. Gray still hadn't. "Wonderin' if I just forgot about you, huh - tell me!”

A nod. Gray gave her a sideways look.

She rose with a grin. "Stay."

Entering the room, she closed the door behind. A fairly narrow space, bed against one long wall on her left, open window to the right. Against the wall opposite the bed were two buckets, nearly identical; about three palm-widths wide and half as high, spreading upwards with wooden plankings for sides. One of them was covered with a fairly heavy board, sealing the top; removing this, she opened the door  - "C'mon in"- and  stepped back into the room.

The Wolf smelled it as soon as she removed the cover; Duck stew, still warm and filled near to the brim! The other container, of course, held water.

"Suprise." she said, gesturing with a flourish. "Dig in!"

Sitting on the bed, she began pulling off her boots. "Innkeeper didn't mind havin' food brought up for you, if it meant gettin' my 'dangrous beast' in and outta there sooner. Seems he'd heard somethin' of our little – skirmish, at the tavern, yesterday." Rebecca chuckled. "Though he did wonder about the lid. Didn't wanna spoil the suprise too early, did we?" Of course, Gray had to wait a bit longer to eat.

Grinning, the Wolf jumped up on her knees, licked her chin. "Hey!” She laughed, pushing him off.  “Giddown an' eat, now."  She looked at him; "How could I forget about you, after telling you to trust me, hmm? I'm her for you.”

"I promise."
« Last Edit: May 07, 2010, 08:26:39 PM by Howellfan »

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2010, 11:10:51 AM »
What sites do you post this on?



Ok ,and as for the story, the same old problems, really getting in the way. The story is good, the ideas are good, but it's covered in miscellaneous debris, particularly confusing sentences everywhere

Quote
The darkness faded to gray; Gave way to light.
this is too gradual for a flash of light in the eyes. it gives the wrong mood before the punchline.

Quote
At last, smallest of smiles touching her lips she crouched, to roughly muss the top of his neck, and as the Wolf slid his forepaws forward, bending in an arched, stretching bow, eyes half-closed moved around the neck, to the base of the chin to finish, as she rose, with a tap to the grinning Wolf's nose.
This sentence is all over the place. It should be split into two or three sentence, actions should be clearly defined... read it and figure out what i mean. it's jumps around

Quote
The dining area – though of spartan build
spartan, as a word, stands out quite a bit. YOu already used it for the bedroom, you should be careful about using it often.

Quote
At the scent - scents -
use just one, there's no need for this.

Quote
noting the Wolf's brief sniffing of the air as they walked in.
mention it while he's doing it, not after the fact. He is supposed to be just as important as the girl, so make him a focus, not an afterthought.

Quote
a few years older than Rebecca. "'Becca!"
new speech = new line. Don't say her name twice right next to eachother. It's obvious who he's calling.

Quote
“Same dearmeat an' eggs as ever.”
why is everything the same as ever? and if everything always stays the same, why is she asking?

Quote
“Fair kill for some fish.”
does not make sense

Quote
No one saw that coming'.
too in your face, cut it.

Quote
The self-styled 'Guild for the Progress of Man' – or 'guilds', rather, separate groups having sprung up on all the offshore isles, and even among the shores of Mainland's south-eastern gulf; Poison, in the cradle of man – born of too many people, too little land, forged against the persecutions of tyrants and seeded from the propaganda of the same.
gah, it's almost infuriating because this starts well, then digresses, then carries on without clarifying. it's... grrr

Quote
But this 'guild' – these 'lovers of man' -  were the Isles' wrongs in tens and hundreds. Determined to see men 'united', triumphal in their praise of human craft and human  engineering – set explicitly against the 'natural order' – they despised all other Wise that walked the earth, and the guild doubly so, the both only good in the dying.
too many guilds. Clarify which and what. I understood who you meant after reading it again and remembering that you referred to trappers as a guild... did you? oh well either way, i shouldn't have to read it twice at all.

Quote
Another moment's silence, then; “You're serious! Four riders.”
new speakers, new line

Quote
hmm? I'm her for you.”

"I promise."
there is truly no need for a new line for "I promise." no need whatsoever.



either way, interesting stuff, would be great to see more... as long as i can actually read it properly.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Howellfan

  • Avid Aardvark
  • *
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 19
    • Awards
Re: A Dog's Life
« Reply #13 on: May 13, 2010, 12:56:14 PM »
Fictionpress and Furrag.com. Also in the writing forum on Planetfurry.com, if you want to see how the story as I'm posting it here has changed from what it was earlier.

Been on the road to Florida and back with my family past few days to see my brother graduate from Pensacola, so haven't had much opportunity to post. 

Leaving the hotel right now, so gotta go - probably more tonight. :) Later. :)

 

Powered by EzPortal

anything