Short story, feedback welcome :D

[KittKat chunky~]

-Colony 2-

‘The Regime Needs YOU’

A repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreams, and the dull hum of lighting strips warming up filled the cramped steel bedroom. A hand groped for the alarm and, when it failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back into the covers of the bed.

“Good morning Citizen Jareth, what a wonderful day it is...”

The monotonous and flat voice of a service-drone whirred into life, as Jareth tried in vain to pull the covers further over his head. The drone was of an old series, box shaped. With a single bright red photoceptor ‘eye’ set at head level; it winked into being. The fluorescent strips finally burst into life with a loud -plink-. The bright light reflected off the metallic body of the service drone, its chrome finish long since dulled and scratched.

“The temperature outside is a balmy -48⁰C and there is a general warning for suplphuric rain yet again today, I advise you to wear your air filter to work citizen...”

Jareth squinted, trying to block out the worst of the glaring light. He grunted, rolling over onto his side and rubbed his eyes. He ran his fingers through his tangled dark hair, as he looked around the brightly lit room, slightly dazed and still half asleep...

“Shuttup drone... ugh, where am I?”

The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before responding...

“You are on the second colony of the Algeron system, set up by the first colony as a mining planet, independence was demanded fifty years ago. You are currently in level -3,000 of the lower sector of the City Vespa. The second colony is located in the alpha quadrant of the...”

Jareth grabbed his still beeping clock and hurled it at the machine, missed spectacularly and smashed the clock against the opposite steel wall. A silence dropped over the room as Jareth panted in frustration, staring wide eyed at the drone. Its photoceptor flickered twice before replying in the same flat tone...

“Would you like me to order you a new alarm clock citizen Jareth?”





Well, this is part of the first chapter of a short story i've been writing... the story itself is well under way and has a good number of chapters by now, but still... any kinda feedback or anything would be great  

If anyone wants i can post another coupla sections... but im not planning on posting the whole thing to be honest....

[Bronze]

It's very descriptive, and I also find the sentences to be structured well.  Keep up the good work, because you have some skill.  I took a break from writing for a year or so, and it's one of the greatest regrets of my life.  I'm only now starting to recover what I had.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

It's very good, better than some i hear now and then, even from creative writing university students. There's some great ideas in there. There are bits that could be cut down, and streamlined.

also

A hand groped for the alarm and, when it failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back into the covers of the bed.

Body parts acting of their own accord. i know that's an exaggeration on my part, but basically there's no need for it and to some it can conjure strange images. Personally I think you could just say that 'insert description of man' reached out from under the covers, groping for the alarm.

Also, in terms of structure, dialogue gets a new line for a new speaker, but that doesnt mean having that line only for dialogue. You can and probably should just carry on the line with whatever comes afterward.




A few clarity things... why doesn't he know where he is? did he just arrive there? if so, he seems not to react as one would in such a situation.


as for him throwing the clock, if he is new there, that's a bit much... if he isn't new there... that's still a bit much. There's no real build-up of explanation to it. He just kind of randomnly throws a clock at the robot.


either way, some really good ideas in here, and it is definitely competently written. Far better than i can say for most people.

[KittKat chunky~]

Thanks for the feedback, both of you 

I'm glad you ask questions on clarity Asia, because thats the main reason i posted it here... can people other than myself understand what i am trying to convey in my writing?

For clarity just now, he is not new to the place, but is tired/groggy... when he asked where he was it was almost a rhetorical question, he was just talking to himself and the drone took it as a literal question... im gonna change it and add in some bits so that this is more obvious and make the other changes you said...

all in all, thanks again for the feedback... i might post the improved version soon once im done...

Post Merge: May 06, 2010, 06:40:49 PMA repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreams, and the dull hum of lighting strips warming up filled the cramped steel bedroom. A dark haired and unshaven man groped for the alarm and, when he failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back into the covers of the bed.

“Good morning Citizen Jareth, what a wonderful day it is...”

The monotonous and flat voice of a service-drone whirred into life, as Jareth tried in vain to pull the covers further over his head. The drone was of an old series, box shaped. With a single bright red photoceptor ‘eye’ set at head level; it winked into being. The fluorescent strips finally burst into life with a loud -plink-. The bright light reflected off the metallic body of the service drone, its chrome finish long since dulled and scratched. “The temperature outside is a balmy -48⁰C and there is a general warning for sulphuric rain yet again today, I advise you to wear your air filter to work citizen...”

Jareth squinted, trying to block out the worst of the glaring light. He grunted, rolling over onto his side and rubbed his eyes. He ran his fingers through his tangled dark hair, as he looked around the brightly lit room, slightly dazed and still half asleep. He muttered to himself, his voice low and hoarse.

“Shuttup drone... ugh, where am I?”

The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before responding...

“You are on the second colony of the Algeron system, set up by the first colony as a mining planet, independence was demanded fifty years ago. You are currently in level -3,000 of the lower sector of the City Vespa. The second colony is located in the alpha quadrant of the...”

“No, no, no. I know where I am you stupid drone... I was just talking to myself, you useless piece of scrap...”

The drone ignored the complaints and continued its explanation, Jareth groaned again, looking from the drone to the shrill beeping alarm clock. “Drone, seriously shut up. Please for the Regime’s sake, shut... up!” Jareth grabbed his still beeping clock and hurled it at the machine, missed spectacularly and smashed the clock against the opposite steel wall. A silence dropped over the room as Jareth panted in frustration, staring wide eyed at the drone. Its photoceptor flickered twice before replying in the same flat tone...

“Would you like me to order you a new alarm clock citizen Jareth?”




Okay so i made some changes.... i havnt yet sorted out the structure fully in terms of new lines for diaglogue (but dont worry, i'l be making sure i do make those changes)
hope that makes it a bit more sense in some parts 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

it's clearer now. things make more sense, but as i said in my first comments, it can certainly be streamlined. It's a bit overdone and the additions have been written in a way that adds to this problem.

Allow me to demonstrate

A repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreams

beeping broke through hazy dreams
beeping sliced through the haze of sleep

The monotonous and flat voice of a service-drone

The monotonous service drone

The drone was of an old series, box shaped. With a single bright red photoceptor ‘eye’ set at head level

The drone looked like an old metal box with a red photoceptor 'eye.

it winked into being

it winked

he looked around the brightly lit room, slightly dazed and still half asleep

he looked around, slightly dazed and half asleep

Shuttup

shut up (it's unnecessary to write it that way, since it doesn't change much to the actual delivery.)

No, no, no. I know where I am you stupid drone... I was just talking to myself, you useless piece of scrap...

No, no, no. I know where I am you stupid drone... I was just talking to myself

The drone ignored the complaints and continued its explanation

the drone continued its explanation

Jareth groaned again, looking from the drone to the shrill beeping alarm clock

Jareth groaned again, looking between it and the shrill alarm clock



also, there's a lot of "the drone, the drone, the drone, the drone." Add some variety, it helps the flow and keeps things interesting. Things like "the machine," or "the robot,"

the main character... i still think throwing the alarm is a bit much. many people get annoyed when they wake up but they dont go chucking stuff around. is there any reason why he's so aggressive? or maybe it's just me and my expectations, expecting him one way when he's actually a different way.


again though, good improvements, good story, i would like to see developments beyond this point.

[KittKat chunky~]

thanks again Asia, your help is much appreciated as always.... You giving some examples really helps, it shows me where I can improve and how, like for instance with adding more variaty instead of always saying drone... i didnt even realise i was repeating it so much until you pointed it out 

As for the main character, when i wrote out a basic character sheet for him i had him as a normally calm, intuitive and authoritative man, (these are the main reason he has a good position in his work as the head of a team).. but he is also prone to bouts of either anger or annoyance, often when under high stress or just when he's had a bad day.... today turns out to be one of those, really, bad days 

And if you really would like to see further, then i would be happy to post the next part.... I'm sure it can all do with streamlining and improving and you really help with that.. 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Cool, I would love to see more of this.

[KittKat chunky~]

well if you really do... theres somthing you may want to know...

Me and one of my best mates are currently doing a co-operative writing thing... we are both writing a short story, in the same setting and universe, but from the perspective of two different characters (me with Jareth, and my mate with an elite pilot from the first colony)....

It doesnt really affect this too much, as the storys both make sense without each other... just thought you may want to know that, my mate helped with a lot of the ideas in the universe  

Anyway, i'l post up the next section soon...  

Post Merge: May 07, 2010, 06:38:35 PMChapter One continued:


Ten minutes later and Jareth was in a service elevator, rattling and hissing all the way down to level -6,000 of the lower sector. The elevator which was roughly ten metres squared was packed with engineers, all wearing the basic uniform of oil stained and grey jumpsuits. Jareth was similarly clothed, with the exception of chevrons on his shoulders, and an officer’s cap with fold-down headset. All of this denoted him as a head engineer of the second colony.

“Hey Jareth, you heard about the expansion?”

A dark haired engineer sidled over to him, squeezing between the mass of bodies. She flicked her fringe to one side and looked him in the light blue eyes, noting the three day old stubble across his chin and general look of fatigue...

“You don’t look so good, been sleeping alright?”

Jareth nodded; mumbling that he hadn’t heard about the expansion yet, and was just overloaded with work as usual. The other engineer nodded sympathetically, as the doors of the elevator finally opened with a groan.

Stepping out of the elevator into the long steel corridor beyond, Jareth started to walk with the flow of other engineers. He stopped abruptly, facing a large poster pasted across a set of fire-safety instructions. He was almost knocked over by a bulky delivery drone as he stepped out from the group; the automaton gave a disgruntled whirr before rumbling away.

Emblazoned in crimson letters, at the head of the three foot high poster; was the familiar slogan:

“The regime needs YOU”.

Further down and superimposed over the second colony; a dusty and windswept planet obscured by clouds of reddish dust, was the second slogan:

“Volunteer for the Third Colony expansion, today!”

Shaking his head silently, Jareth turned. His footsteps clanked and reverberated on the steel flooring as he caught up with the group of engineers, the rearmost two greeted him with a friendly “Good morning Sir”.



---Regime Information Drone, Query: Level -6000, City Vespa---

Level -6000 of the lower sector is an engineer bay, a constantly running repair and assembly line for the two hundred thousand drones in Vespa alone. The city itself is a huge upside-down pyramid structure, stretching several hundred miles across at the surface, and even further underground. The whole thing is maintained, built and repaired by teams of drones, each with a specific task built into them. They never grow tired, never grow bored and never question their orders.

Colony 2 was set up as a mining station. The first city was created to dig down deep into the planets stone and earth. To retrieve and refine the most valuable element known to the regime: Tethium.

---Link to information file: Tethium---

---Link to information file: The almighty Regime---

---End Query: ---




Still not the end of the first chapter, and i know i need to change the structure with the speech, also remembering that this is copied and pasted from word, so the layout has been ruined somewhat....
but that is somthing that is quite easy to rectify, i've tried to go through this section to make it easily read-able as much as possible... but as always, would love to hear any feedback from either Asia, Bronze... or indeed anyone who has somthing to say  




oh and about this section:

---Regime Information Drone, Query: Level -6000, City Vespa---

Level -6000 of the lower sector is an engineer bay, a constantly running repair and assembly line for the two hundred thousand drones in Vespa alone. The city itself is a huge upside-down pyramid structure, stretching several hundred miles across at the surface, and even further underground. The whole thing is maintained, built and repaired by teams of drones, each with a specific task built into them. They never grow tired, never grow bored and never question their orders.

Colony 2 was set up as a mining station. The first city was created to dig down deep into the planets stone and earth. To retrieve and refine the most valuable element known to the regime: Tethium.

---Link to information file: Tethium---

---Link to information file: The almighty Regime---

---End Query: ---

Generally about once or twice every two chapters or so i've done a section like this... i found, and so did my mate who read through it, that it is an easy way to give some information on certain aspects of the universe, and also adds some character to the story 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Ten minutes later and Jareth was in a service elevator, rattling and hissing all the way down to level -6,000 of the lower sector.

Is he the one rattling and hissing? that's rather strange behaviour kidding, but yeah clarity required. Also, the mention of time, and clocks just before that might make people think time is particularly important. but that's your choice.

The elevator which was roughly ten metres squared

first off, that elevator's HUGE! secondly, why does it matter what size the elevator is?

all wearing the basic uniform of oil stained and grey jumpsuits.

That sounds like being oil stained is part of the uniform, as though it is manufactured with oil stains already on it.

Jareth was similarly clothed, with the exception of chevrons on his shoulders, and an officer’s cap with fold-down headset. All of this denoted him as a head engineer of the second colony.

this is totally overwrought and overdone. It needs trimming. Also, do engineers normally have chevrons denoting rank? and wouldn't a hard hat be more useful than an officer's hat? It seems very military to me.

A dark haired engineer sidled over to him,

You can say her name, you know, also, since everyone is an engineer in there, it's best to say her gender instead. Also, anything particularly identifiable about aside from the fact of dark hair? tall? short? elfin, ogre-ish?

general look of fatigue...

show don't tell, what does a general look of fatigue look like?

pasted across a set of fire-safety instructions

isn't covering safety instructions rather dangerous? Health and safety should be priority for engineers.

crimson

is a word used by children who want to look like writers. It's clumsy, cliche and way too rich and chewy. I normally avoid it at all costs unless i can properly, confidently use it right. I've never seen anyone use it right.

dusty and windswept planet obscured by clouds of reddish dust

a dusty planet obscured by dust? don't use the same word twice in a sentence... or in adjacent sentences

Shaking his head silently

head shaking almost never makes noise anyway

---Regime Information Drone, Query: Level -6000, City Vespa---

Level -6000 of the lower sector is an engineer bay, a constantly running repair and assembly line for the two hundred thousand drones in Vespa alone. The city itself is a huge upside-down pyramid structure, stretching several hundred miles across at the surface, and even further underground. The whole thing is maintained, built and repaired by teams of drones, each with a specific task built into them. They never grow tired, never grow bored and never question their orders.

Colony 2 was set up as a mining station. The first city was created to dig down deep into the planets stone and earth. To retrieve and refine the most valuable element known to the regime: Tethium.

---Link to information file: Tethium---

---Link to information file: The almighty Regime---

---End Query: ---

This is essentially a cute way of doing an exposition dump. Exposition dumps in general should be avoided, but if you seperate it adequately from the main story, and clean up the language, making it more official and glossy, then it might work. Have you played Mass Effect? because that does a similar thing. The Codex in that is basically an exposition machine, a lore provider. Bioware seperated that from the main game, it's accessed through the menu screen, so that you can access it easily, but also so it doesnt sit in the narrative like some kind of troll under a bridge, demanding you read it before you can pass. Basically, what I'm saying is that, you shouldn't just drop it randomnly in the middle of chapters, disrupting the flow and confusing the reader. You either put it at the front or back of the tale, or you put it in a seperate section at the end of, or between, chapters.

Nice idea though.

This whole thing is reminding me an awful lot of stories I'd hear about Dwarf Fortress

but yeah, good stuff.

[KittKat chunky~]

H'okey cokey:

Is he the one rattling and hissing? that's rather strange behaviour  kidding, but yeah clarity required.

Right, i'l make it more obvious that it's the elevator rattling and hissing...

First off, that elevator's HUGE! secondly, why does it matter what size the elevator is?

Yes that elevator is huge, it's a service elevator used to ferry men and machinery through a mining colony, i could imagine them having elevators MUCH bigger than that one.... i just mentioned the size as kind of a 'wow factor' so that people will think, christ that elevator is big! And then when i mention that its packed with engineers, gives you an idea of just how many engineers there must be... uh, yeah 

That sounds like being oil stained is part of the uniform, as though it is manufactured with oil stains already on it.

I see what you mean, i'l change it so it reads#: "uniform of grey jumpsuits, many where covered in oil stains and grease" ... or somthing of that nature....

his is totally overwrought and overdone. It needs trimming. Also, do engineers normally have chevrons denoting rank? and wouldn't a hard hat be more useful than an officer's hat? It seems very military to me.

Yeah, it's just one big sentence that's quite a mouthfull, i'l trim and simplify it so that it reads more easily... and yeah, it is a bit miltaristic, and thats what i wanted... i wanted the whole colony to have a very militarised feel about it, with the mentions of The Regime and a ranking system even in the engineer section... 


As for the rest of what you said, little details here and there, all of which help the story to run smoothly and read well, i'l get right on fixing them 




Once ive finished that section, i'l post up the next hopefully.... And i'm glad you like the idea of the 'glossified' exposition dump, and the story in general... your comments and advice are really helpfull 








Post Merge: May 09, 2010, 01:07:00 PM-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The very last part of chapter one:


The particular bay which Jareth was headed to did not repair civilian or service machinery; but the drones used by the Regime’s military caste, these where the automated defence force of Colony 2. “Right, let’s get this assembly line moving! We have a quota to reach here today boys and girls...”

Jareth shouted instructions to the engineers, his voice easily heard even over the whine of fusion torches and heavy machinery powering up for another long shift of work. He flipped through a touch-pad, quickly scanning down columns of numbers, quota totals and interdepartmental reports. He Sighed and signed the paperwork, looking up as the assembly line slowly rolled into action:

An automaton in need of repair would be loaded up onto one of the long steel conveyor belts that ran the length of the engineer bay. Sent along the line, parts would be repaired, or if severely damaged entirely replaced. The most frequent drones to pass through the repair lines where the MarkII ‘tank drones’, the longest serving model and universally dubbed the Tread-heads by engineers.

Built around a single armoured hull, the beast stood almost double the height of a full grown man. Four thick treads carried the drone across even the most rock-strewn terrain, while set atop the hull a slope sided turret mounting a pair of kinetic cannons loomed ominously. The machine was the symbolic image of both the Regime’s military and engineering strength.

“Engineer Karol, Could you please explain to me why that Tread-head hasn’t had its weapons replaced?” Nodding hurriedly, she clambered onto the drone and started to unbolt the scorched barrels. The dark haired engineer who had conversed with Jareth in the elevator walked up beside him and saluted curtly.

“Officer Jareth... Someone from the merchants’ caste wants to see you in the ammunition store room.” Jareth raised an eyebrow; looking left, and then right. With no Regime Patrols or officers in sight, he smiled to her.

“Thank you engineer Tanaka; I shall see this someone, right away.”

The engineer smiled back, and winked conspiratorially “I’m sure you will sir. I’ll keep the assembly and repairs running while you’re... busy, sir.”


So yeah... end of chapter one... the basic storyline for this at the moment, is a very ordinary day for Jareth, turns into a day of hell, that quickly leads to his usually comfortable routine shattering....  so yeah 

[KittKat chunky~]

‘May the Colonial Gods have mercy on your soul’

“Citizen Jareth; you are here today before the court of the people, to answer for crimes against the regime. What say you?”
The court loomed ominously above Jareth; the high ceilinged room was lined with immense pillars of dark obsidian that stretched up into gloomy shadow. The docks in which he was restrained where of the same brushed steel as the rest of the city, but this time the metal was embossed with spidery gold lettering. The same words repeated over and over across the surface... “Repent your sins at the mercy of the Regime”... Jareth cleared his throat, looking up to the white haired judged.

“Your lordship, I protest. What crimes may these be?”

The judge flicked through several documents on his manuscript, it was a chunkily built metal plate in which was nestled a flickering blue touch screen. Expertly traversing his way through the files in the device, the judge coughed croakily, his voice wheezy and sounding as if it was to crack at any moment. 

“You have broken the sacred caste system of the regime. The council has been presented with evidence of you having a close, physical relationship... with a member of differing caste to your own. Do you deny such charges?”

Jareth stood up abruptly, slamming his fists down on the edge of the steel docks... “Of course! This is ridiculous; I am a head engineer, and a citizen of Colony two. What evidence do you have?” The guards either side of him pulled him back down, as the judge coughed croakily.

“The council was presented with the evidence five hours ago, by an anonymous agent of the regime. We have as many as fifteen witnesses of you leaving your shift to meet one... Julie Kallithea of the merchant’s caste; you yourself are of the engineer caste, and so you have broken the sacred law. How do you plea?”
Jareth hung his head low. The peak of his cap set his still unshaven face in dark shadow as the court waited for a reply.

“Citizen Jareth, if you do not reply, we will take your silence as a sign of your guilt. How do you plea?”

Jareth looked up; he knew the consequences of breaking the caste laws. He felt as if he had swallowed a mouthful of sawdust as he replied weakly "Guilty, M’ Lordship.”
The court fell silent for the briefest moment as the Judge set down his manuscript with a resounding click.

“Then I sentence you to sixteen years hard labour, in the lowest levels of the city.”

Jareth leapt to his feet, eyes wide with fear “No... No! Not that, anything but that! No one lives longer than three years down in that hell hole, you can’t!”The guards pushed him down roughly by the shoulders again, their deep red ceremonial armour shimmering as Jareth struggled.


Okay... I completely forgot about this thread, and have decided to post up the next part of the story to see if anyone is still interested, as always feedback is welcome and appreciated...

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

You shouldn't forget your stories, you should always finish what you start. Finishing a story is the most important thing. Anyway, notes and criticism.

"We have a quota to reach here today boys and girls..."

too many words

The particular bay which Jareth was headed to did not repair civilian or service machinery; but the drones used by the Regime’s military caste

what does the place look like? We need an establishing shot.

loomed ominously

don't say it's ominous, make it feel ominous

I don't think that's enough for a full chapter. Nothing really happened. you should probably write about the two people meeting up, and the secrecy of it all.

loomed ominously

again?

stretched up into gloomy shadow

stretched up into the gloom

he knew the consequences of breaking the caste laws.

then why was he so surprised at the punishment?

Not that, anything but that!

woah, careful on the cliché, though that said, moments of intense fear lend themselves terribly to cliché. It's a problem most writers struggle with.

All in all, there's some good ideas there, and the writing works to some degree despite mistakes. Nice one

[KittKat chunky~]

I forgot about the thread due to all the exams that i have right now 

Okay... mostly little details that arent very hard to clean up...

oah, careful on the cliché, though that said, moments of intense fear lend themselves terribly to cliché. It's a problem most writers struggle with.

I would have to definitely agree, in all my time writing short stories, extreme fear is quite hard for me to write effectively 

I don't think that's enough for a full chapter. Nothing really happened. you should probably write about the two people meeting up, and the secrecy of it all.

Yeah... that would definitely be a good thing to develop... Imha get right on it   

All in all, there's some good ideas there, and the writing works to some degree despite mistakes. Nice one

Thanks, your comments and advice on how to improve continue to help very much