-The 3rd Colony- A struggle for Truth- Kitt's growing novel ^^

[KittKat chunky~]

H'okay K'okay... Next section:



Jareth woke with a groan and a throbbing ache between his eyes. A new alarm clock sat beeping on his bedside table, as fluorescent lights overhead burst into life. Reaching out blindly he managed to hit the snooze button. The clock fell silent and he sank back into his pillow, already opening one blood-shot eye.

“Good morning Citizen Jareth, and what a wonderful day it is...” The service-drone whirred, as Jareth pulled back his covers and stood up, ungainly. Pressing the palm of one hand firmly to his forehead, he looked wearily around the tiny steel room. “You arrived very late last night Citizen, the Regime trusts you are rested enough to work at full capacity?”

Jareth nodded “Sure. Just a long game of cards in the mess hall... Be fine in a few moments”. He turned away from the machine, walking unsteadily over to a panel, barely distinguishable from the rest of the steel wall. At a mere touch, it slid open like a concertina, sections folding in on themselves to reveal a deep cabinet. Jareth reached in, pulled out a pair of clean overalls, and slipped one bare leg into them. The drone watched from the corner of the room, its red eye unblinking. 

Hopping on one foot, Jareth forced his other leg into the overalls, while simultaneously trying to comb the tangles out of his hair. The Service Drone continued to observe, before whirring again “Citizen, you appear to be having trouble concentrating. The Regime is happy to provide you with stim-tablets, to ensure you are fully prepared for work...” As it spoke, a thin metal tray extended from the Drone’s side. On it sat a small pair of glossy-red pills, each imprinted with a letter S. The machine whirred again, this time with a crackling and tinny melodious tone “Two Stims a day, keeps the exhaustion away!”


"I'm such a slow writer >.<  Seeing as this is really just a 'pet project' I've been working on during spare time, the actual writing of it isnt very fast or regular...

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Another day, another alarm clock. not much story to speak of here, aside from the drug thing which I talk about in my notes below:

A new alarm clock sat beeping on his bedside table

A better word than beeping can be used... something harsh and headache inducing... like Shrieking

Reaching out blindly he managed to hit the snooze button.

blindly is a... easy, clumsy word. It could be said better... like "He made a blind reach for it, managing to slap the snooze."

already opening one blood-shot

What do you mean already? Waking up means opening eyes, so people would expect him to at least open one of them by this point.

as Jareth pulled back his covers and stood up

careful with the word "as". There's no real connection between him standing up and the drone talking, and it isn't necessarily at exactly the same time. It doesn't NEED to be in there.

wearily around

adverbs are easy and promote lazy style.

walking unsteadily

try to think of one word that could replace that phrase


I'm not sure about this whole drug taking thing. Do they really want their populace to use potentially harmful drugs, thereby causing damage that would affect that worker later in life, shortening their working life and damaging their ability to function? Not to mention the cost of the drug itself, if they're giving it out for free. If they're really that focused on getting people to work in an optimal manner, then they could really impose a curfew to stop this sort of behaviour.

[KittKat chunky~]

Okay, thank you again Asia... Your notes really help a lot with improving my work 



Anyway, as for the drugs. You make a valid point,that I hadn't actually thought of, in that why bother trying to sort a problem after its already happened, when you can cut it off at the bud? (eg. place a curfew to stop workers not getting enough sleep in the first place)...

To that end, I do feel it needs changing. It isnt a major part of the plot or story, and so changing it so wont effect the story as a whole... In fact, a curfew of kinds would fit better with the whole 'Regime' theme...

Again, thanks for the help   

Post Merge: September 12, 2010, 11:35:47 AM




Jareth woke with a groan and a throbbing ache between his eyes. A new alarm clock sat shrieking on his bedside table, as fluorescent lights overhead burst into life. He made a blind reach for it, managing to slap the snooze button. The clock fell silent and he sank back into his pillow, opening one blood-shot eye.

“Good morning Citizen Jareth, and what a wonderful day it is...” The service-drone whirred, talking in the same monotonous tone. Jareth pulled back his covers and stood up, ungainly. Pressing the palm of one hand firmly to his forehead, he looked around the tiny steel room with weary resignation. “You arrived very late last night Citizen, after curfew hours. You’re Rank entrusts you with a pass-card, but the Regime would hope you try and rest enough to work at full capacity.”

Jareth nodded “Sure. Just had a lot of... paperwork that needed finishing.  Be fine in a few moments”. He turned away from the machine and stumbled over to a panel, barely distinguishable from the rest of the steel wall. At a mere touch, it slid open like a concertina, sections folding in on themselves to reveal a deep cabinet. Jareth reached in, pulled out a pair of clean overalls, and slipped one bare leg into them. The drone watched from the corner of the room, its red eye unblinking. 

Hopping on one foot, Jareth forced his other leg into the overalls, while simultaneously trying to comb the tangles out of his hair. The Service Drone continued to observe, before whirring again “Citizen, you appear to be having trouble concentrating. The Regime insists that after today’s working hours you ensure early rest, regardless of additional paperwork. I have informed the system to de-activate your curfew pass-card for the duration of tonight.” Not looking up, Jareth pulled on a pair of heavily scuffed boots. He drew a sigh, now buckling up a wide belt of various pouches and tools.

Once Jareth was finally dressed, the Drone whirred one last time “The Regime is very pleased to see you are applying yourself so thoroughly to work. Have a nice day, Citizen.”  Jareth nodded a distracted goodbye to the automaton and strode over to the door. It opened with a hiss, and he walked out, joining a crowd of people in the narrow corridor beyond.



Hopefully this is better, a curfew makes more sense for an all-controlling Regime 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

It's better but, if the curfew's in place, how did he stay out late the night before? why is he tired if the curfew was supposed to enforce him to return to his room and sleep?

[KittKat chunky~]

I guess I didnt explain it well enough... Or it wasnt obvious enough to the reader 

Basically, some of the citizens who are higher rank have access to Pass-cards, allowing them to stay out after curfew (anyone found out after curfew is required to show a valid pass-card or else be detained)... It will have a very direct effect later on in the story (namely the fact that Jareth's pass-card is not going to be valid tonight...

Maybe I should try to explain that more clearly in this section... Although I'm not too sure how I could do it...

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

It needs to be meantion way earlier in the story

[KittKat chunky~]

Check.... Its times like these I wish I was more organised... Anyway, time to see where I can introduce it earlier on then...