As of yet unnamed work.

[Pea]

The following is the first chapter of a story I'm putting together to accompany an associated roleplay. I'm not very skilled or learned in how to write, but I did try. This work is as of yet unnamed, but I have ideas. Perhaps The Blue Book or Tome of Ages. Because of its work in progress status things are likely to change. I'll release chapters as I finish them and announce if I've made changes to older ones.




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Chapter 1 - Through Sand
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Some say that in the God Lands ground has never met sun. Venturing through a seemingly endless gale, the air thick with sand, Saz found himself believing this tale. Here the winds tore at dunes and furry alike. The sky was blocked by swirls of fine Earth that found its way inside things that should not have been possible. Saz might have cursed the conditions, but only a fool would do such a thing in the middle of the God Lands. It was told that only those with the Gods favor may pass through these rightly named lands. Unsure if he had their favor or not, he moved forward.
 
It was impossible to tell the time of day beneath the veil of sand. The only indication would be a slight glow from above, but to see that one would have to expose their eyes to the harsh elements. The lack of direct sunlight was having an adverse effect on temperature. It had dropped drastically since he arrived in this weather. Before his entering the Earth Flows he dressed himself in proper hot weather attire. Outside the stormy borders of the God Lands the sun would cook exposed skin in minutes and punish those foolish enough to stock up on layered cloth.
 
The brown, ragged cloak he had chosen for the journey was blowing violently and gave him no protection against the winds. If it were not for his skin of scales, the storm might have long since claimed his life. Scales and thin cloth were no defense against the cold though. He began to shiver as he moved from dune to dune. His progress forward was slow with each step being a chore. His bare, clawed feet fought to force him against the brutal winds. The fight made harder by sinking and slippery sand.
 
He did bear a rough, wooden staff however. This eased his push greatly. He held it with tail and both arms, stabbing at the ground during each step so as to pull himself forward. In no particular direction he did this for what felt like days, stopping only to drink his fill for the day or nibble at dried meats from his leather pack. He dared not keep his protective, thin clothed mask off for too long lest it become invaded by more of the tiny bits of Earth he came to loath.
 
Saz's spirit was nearing breaking when a shape began to form in front of him through the veil. This shape soon turned into a massive, sloped sandstone wall too steep to climb. Unsure where to go from here he chose to follow the wall to his left. Before too long he found an arch way within the wall. Atop this arch way was a life sized statue of a black dragon. The statue made him uneasy and he ignored the ruby red gaze the figure seemed to give him as he passed under it and into the arch way.
 
Within the arch way was a pitch black tunnel which he now grudgingly walked down. His only guide was a small point of light at the end which he followed gladly. The gale behind him whistled madly against the sloped stone wall, gusts of air grabbing at his cloak desperately trying to claim its failed prey. Ignoring its wailing he continued forward, enjoying the increasing silence. Soon the only noise he could hear was the click clack of his claws against the stone floor. And every other step his staff made a wooden clunk through the tunnel.
 
As he neared the end of the tunnel he began to see what was making the light. He saw it was an opening in the ceiling of a vast room.
 
'This structure must rise above the storm.", he thought. The shaft of light coming from above displayed only one detail in the otherwise dark and featureless room. Within the light in the center of the room was a rock standing about half the height of Saz. Laying closed on top of this rock was an old book in blue bindings and cover. On approach Saz saw how featureless and plain the cover of the book was. It had no distinguishing markings or labels. But this book is what he had journeyed so long and hard for.
 
He reached out a trembling claw to touch the book, but he noticed something odd. The clacking sound of his claws on the stone floor did not stop. The noise quietly echoed through the chamber. Before he had the sense to look around, he heard a low growling voice.
 
"You should knock before entering ones home.", the voice said. Saz turned quickly and fell over from loss of balance. On his back he saw two dim, ruby eyes glaring at him from high in the darkness...

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Thank you for reading through. Feed back of any kind is appreciated.

[The Past]

Moar, I say!

You have an interesting writing style. I love it.
I wish I could still write as well as you can.

[Jotie]

Alright, I shall do some critique work on your story. I have four basis that I follow on all types of critique I do for people. I rate it from the scale of 0 to 5. And the four basis I rate it from is the Originality, which talks about how original the work feels and seems. The Impact, which is how much feeling it has to me. The Creativity, which is how much it is thought out to me. And the Overall Score, which is the combined score roughly put in my head.

Originality - 3.5

The introduction, or chapter one seems fairly done a few times. Mostly Indiana-esque style, but regardless... I do like how it starts. Based on the characters though, it is still left with much mystery in the world he is in and what element he is going through. It makes me wonder what drives Sez into this place. Heck, I don't even know that much of the Gods Lands either, which makes it even more curious on why he is here. The environment, while basic, has some sort of mystery, and somewhat eerie place, which is somewhat done some, but rarely on what makes a person WANTS to go there.

Impact - 4.5

It has left a HUGE impact on me. The concept of the cliffhanger on this first chapter makes me want to dive in more for it. I want to see more and make it feel worthwhile to read more of it. I really do hope to see more of this, really. The atmosphere feels so real, yet mystical in a way. Heck, it feels so desolate and the environment feels quite eerie, almost as if you are alone there. Heck, the fact the guy is left in a mystery makes me want to know more about him, what makes him looking in these lands. The cliffhanger, while I hate, is a VERY great way for me to want to know more of what happens. Who was that ruby-eyed creature? Yeah, it might be the dragon statue we saw outside, but... Still.. What if it isn't really a dragon? What if it was something else entirely and we were fooled that it was? It is all still shrouded in mystery.

The atmosphere walking in the tunnel though, while sounding nice due to the clicking of the claws... still felt a little... off. I would assume that the claws clicking would make slight echos, which would make me feel more absorbed in the atmosphere. Don't get me wrong, the beginning made me feel how much he was battling through the harsh elements to get to this point. But nearing the ending felt a little lackluster.

Creativity - 4

The creativity of the environment is quite nice. The design of the character is fairly interesting. And it is quite understandable on why we can't see a darn thing, due to the constant blowing of the Earth everywhere, so it is obvious on why it is hard to tell. You put in a lot of effort from I can tell, up til nearing the ending, where it felt like it started to get rushed. I don't know. There was a lot you could of added.

Overall - 4

Overall? I love it. I want to see more of it. There are some typo's and some nitpicks, like the nitpick isn't important, but would leave a bit of an impact, like adding a bit of comma's here and there, feeling more of a slight pause, making it feel kinda like a narrator is reading to you. I dunno. That's how I feel.

--- 'This structure must rise above the storm.", he thought. ---
THIS part... Oh geeze this part. It is obvious the character is thinking, but you accidentally typed it with a " instead of a ' near the end. I managed to catch that on my first read, so you might have to edit that. Other than that, it is quite a good story. Just remember, try not to rush it. Try to keep in mind to keep your creativity up. If need be, make frequent breaks if you need to. It helps making the story alive and healthy.

[The Past]

When a character is thinking, the line should not be said with quotation marks of any kind, including these things ( ' ). It is best to either put it in italics, or even better yet, make it flow into the writing without writing signals of it being a thought. People can easily figure out it's the character's thought.