I ruin everything I touch

[Snow Kittie]

You know, I’ve always been told I ruin everything I touch. I have been told it by family, and by friends. I have been told it by my idol and by people that I looked to for approval. Most of the time I wouldn’t let it get to me- I would take it as a challenge to do better, or promise myself I would blow that person away. But as life went on it started to get to me. I started to believe it and attribute it with myself. I started to take it to heart and was slowly losing it.

Somehow I managed to tuck it away. I haven’t felt like it for… over a year now. I was able to find hope and tell myself I’m better than that. I don’t ruin everything I touch and I will have a bright future! I found someone I love, and I got family support and accepted as more than a kid. I mad friends and had the chance to create a new name for myself. I had the hope of a bright future and had all these plans to make it amazing. I was going to be something amazing.

But today I messed something up. Perhaps if I had done this and I was normal we could brush it off and keep going. But I’m not normal- I ruin everything I touch. I don’t think people will ever know just how many mistakes I have made in this relationship. Things I have said and done, promises I broke and the number of times I have made her mad. Whenever she is mad I feel horrible, and I say sorry, and I mean it with all my heart. She doesn’t know as she sits 2000 kilometers away that I am laying in bed crying and apologizing and wishing I could take it back, but not darying say that because I know she wont want to hear it. I wonder if she remembers when we first started talking that day that I went to a family dinner and I said something and said “I take that back”. I remember it. Very very clearly. I remember who was around me, and the fire place warming my back. I remember my dad to my right asking who I was talking to, and I remember trying to put on a fake smile so people don’t ask me whats wrong. I remember very clearly that day. And I haven’t said I take something back since.

But today I did. She has gotten me back into reading, showing me her books and suggesting them. I read them and think they are great books. I enjoy them maybe even more then my action, war, political, and what not books. Books like Hunger Games, Maze Runner, and Unwind. Today I finished Champion. And I cried. And I told myself I did not want to read those last pages at all, not one bit. But I did, and it made me so sad. I wanted to be mad at June, but I knew that it wasn’t her fault. I didn’t want to admit that though, and when I texted my girlfriend I was, to say the least, upset. I don’t know why I did it but I directed it at her. I yelled at her, and then after a few minutes I felt really bad. I told her not to ever let me touch Divergent because “I’m warning you right now, I will hurt you and say mean things if I do read that”. Why did I say that!? Because I was scared. I don’t know what got into me, why I yelled at her. I scared myself and I didn’t want to hurt her again. And then I realized what I said. I made her feel like she could never tell me to read her books. She got mad, so mad, and I know exactly why. I told her… I wanted to take it back.

I said, I was sorry for what I said and I did not mean it. She replied, I’m sure- I’m going to bed, bye. Those words… tore me apart. She didn’t accept my apology because I apologize too much. She didn’t say I love you because she wasn’t feeling it. And she didn’t say cya, something we say every night. We have since the beginning. We had a big problem a couple weeks before, considering breaking up, but we agreed to give it another chance. We had good reasons too. We had gotten to selfish, lost touch with why we loved each other, etc, etc. She gave it her all after that day and has been the most amazing person ever. I could have never asked for more. I… I haven’t returned the favor. And tonight I messed everything up. And I think I will continue forever and ever because I haven’t changed.

I created walls around me and barriers, borders, limits. Things to keep me in line and keep me in check. To hide my old self and provide a better future. To protect my mind from breaking down, prevent depression, prevent anxiety. But the ending of that book tore them all down. I became my old self, and with it all the memories of what I used to be- who I might still be. I have ruined relationships, destroyed property both mine and others. Tried creating something but ruined it. My anger has led me to break things that could have been fixed.

I remember when my mom got home from mexico, she brought me home with pencil shaped like a cactus. She gave it to me smiling, her smile so warm, her eyes so happy. And I got mad at her for some reason, and I ran into the basement and I locked myself up and I snapped the pencil in two. And I stared at it. And I started balling. I tried putting it back together but of course two halfs don’t stick. I hated myself for that. I hated myself for weeks, and I remember it to this say as it brings tears to my eyes. It was the first time I realized how much of a monster I am, when I started hating myself, and when I realized that I ruin everything I touch.
I’m a hopeless case, I don’t see a point in trying.

[Mister Owlman]

Hey Kona,

I know that no one can take away the pain, and people who tell you "everything is going to be alright" are usually lying. So I'm just going to say that there are people here that care about you, and you always have a group of people that will sympathize with you.

-Mister Owlman

[Trigahex]

Is fine all of us make mistakes your better then I at least most of yours are downright your own fault.

Me I was the biggest piece of shit I knew until high school I'm still a terrible person some times I'm not forgiving and I'm full of wrath at times I've broken my things for stupid reasons fought people I was full of hate and I've even contemplated killing over petty things I don't know if you done that but it don't matter cause you didn't.

Hah just today I nearly told my art teacher to go **censor** himself and I nearly slugged him out of rage because he said re-do a project because it has wrinkles and a crease or something. I was then told to move seats for refusing to restart my project and just left and went to discipline on my own accord because I was about to hit him out of anger. Got a referral out of that but its better then jail if I had started breaking things and trying to attack my teacher. I suppose so I made the right choice even if it seemed like I **censor** up yet again. Hey I avoided bigger trouble...

Try not to let it bother you to much I've done terrible things to people and been the biggest piece of shit I know and I still hate much about myself. I don't really understand what made you angry but I don't think people understand my anger or why I like certain thing either. And with the pencil yeah I done things like that to well not directly out of anger at the person who gave it to me but just out of a rage I've broken things even if its a little thing it still matters and I feel horrid at the sight of it broken.

See if you can explain all this to her explain why it made you feel so angry maybe she will understand It may seem irrational to others but Im sure its entirely rational to you had my parents bitch me out and say blah blah control your anger blah blah try harder when it just isn't that easy.

[Armalite_]

You need a change in perspective.


Your mind is creating it's own faults and limitations on the things you want in life but you're too hurt to pursue them. Nothing anyone says is going to change the way you feel, even if it's sympathetic. It's up to you to change your attitude to get what you want. If you want to keep being upset at the world and taking it out on objects, it's your decision. If you want change, create it and find an emotional escape through things that relieve your stress. Even getting a punching bag in your basement helps.


Why you break things? I don't know. We can mend wounds and broken parts, but we can't replaces things forever lost. It's pretty silly your friends and family don't realize that. The emotional strain they're putting on you isn't helping and you should tell them that. No one will know how you feel until you let them know. That is when people will be there to help you. You need to ask for it, not by showing them through breaking the things they hand you, even if it makes you feel a little bit better in the moment. 


You will learn that people you surround yourself with are the one's who effect your body and mind, but it's when you're alone that depressing thoughts get the better of you. If you let other's form an identity for you, you will never know the identity of your own person. If you know who you are and what you're capable of, you know that whatever anyone tells you is different otherwise or even incorrect.

[Snow Kittie]

Thank you all. I read all your replies and though about what's been said. I will show her this post and keep working towards what I want to be. A good nights sleep without a cold would help.

[MaskaTheOtter]

.... your story.... I hear it so clearly it.... *holds in arms* I want to help and I don't know how. if I knew how to fix my bad luck I would tell the world. but there might be away I can help.... please PM me I would like to talk to you.