Depression and the like - Getting these feelings off my chest

[Zae]

I think I'll just ramble until I can't think of anything else to say.
Though I'm very anxious about posting stuff like this on a forum (Feeling a bit sick to my stomach, and I've barely typed 2 lines), Sytex thought it might be a good idea for me to vent here.
So, here.

Sytex and I broke up 2 days ago, really early tuesday morning (For me). We both agree that it's the right thing, and we're both still happily friends. It seems the exact same, honestly. I'm glad for that at least. We'd been together for 2 (3 maybe? Idk my memory is garbage. ._.) years, so this is a bit of a change for me. I'm just so used to having someone to call my partner and mate. It's honestly a bit confusing for me, I keep forgetting him and I aren't together any more. But, onward from that.

*removed*

I always feel so tired, and irritated. Always. It takes so little to annoy me, it's insane. someone eating chocolate, chips? food in general? I can hear it? makes me mad, makes me cringe, makes me want to get away from said person. Oh, you're talking to your friend? Every word coming out of your mouth is getting on my nerves. I can't stand it. Ugh. Simple things like that SHOULDNT make me mad. But they do. I abhor the bus ride home. Little kids. my. god. I'm usually pretty good at keeping this stuff to myself, hidden. But once night falls, it's like some **censor** shield crashes, and I just lose my cool. At night, I get super emotional, bad mood swings. Or, I'll feel nothing. And I hate it. This is the worst time for me. I get mad. Unreasonably mad. I start fights with loved ones, and just overall become someone I'm not.

All i know is the people i care for the most right now have my back, are trying to support me, and do care.. and that means a lot..

I need to get in and see my therapist again, its expensive and we don't have much money right now.. but I only want to go in and see her about possibly finding out about antidepressants. her sessions in all honesty haven't helped me at all as far as im concerned, but mybe medication will. I hope. i need something

Aside from that I'm still not eating properly, my personal hygiene.. yeah, lets not. Every single task feels so much harder to do than it should. Headaches and joint pain/pain in general is commonplace for me. I sleep most of my time away, and my sleep schedule is messed. School is, well, I wish my grades were better. Worst year I've had in school, but hoping I can bring my marks up some. Idk I think I'm almost done for now.

If you have any questions, no matter how personal or intrusive they may seem, feel free to ask and I'll explain more in depth. It will give me something to do to keep myself distracted.

Thanks for listening. I hope I didn't upset anyone with this..
weeh feel sick with anxiety i better post this before I end up deleting it all

[Tyga]

Spoiler for Self-harm is not attention whoring:

A common belief regarding self-harm is that it is an attention-seeking behavior; however, in most cases, this is inaccurate. Many self-harmers are very self-conscious of their wounds and scars and feel guilty about their behavior leading them to go to great lengths to conceal their behavior from others. They may offer alternative explanations for their injuries, or conceal their scars with clothing. Self-harm in such individuals may not be associated with suicidal or para-suicidal behavior. People who self-harm are not usually seeking to end their own life; it has been suggested instead that they are using self-harm as a coping mechanism to relieve emotional pain or discomfort or as an attempt to communicate distress.

Self harm can be very destructive, not only to you but to those around you who see what you're doing. The rush you get from it is the bodies natural reaction to pain, releasing endorphins into your system giving you that high you experience. This is very addicting and if not taken care of can lead to much worse behaviour later on down the line. Reading through a little more maybe your mom hasn't said anything to you is because she just doesn't know how to approach the subject, or perhaps she just can't believe that her baby would do such a thing. I don't think it would be because she finds it acceptable or not worthy of note.


Stress can be a killer, tired, irritated unable to face up to things have all been linked to high stress levels in one way or another. Maybe try taking time for yourself each day, it doesn't need to be long a half hour or so and do something you love to do, let your mind idle and destress from all the days trials and woes. Some quality "me time" can have a positive effect on your mental state, making things seem not quite so bleak as they used to.


I don't believe in "drugging up" to help, I feel that 90% of the time it just masks the symptons instead of dealing with the underlying problems. Drugs have become to much of a go too crutch for so many doctors these days.


I don't usually respond to these things, I find it hard to put things into words that can be easily understood by others but something in your post touch a chord with me and I had to say something. Sometimes all it takes is a strangers ear to hear our cries and for them to offer their help.


When life knocks us down we just need the intestinal fortitude to stand back up and kick it in the teeth. Never give up fighting.

[Zae]

I'm very aware, and that's why I can't believe I actually went and did it. On and off for the last year or so, I've been fighting off the urge to self harm. I guess I just finally broke.. honestly it was a mix of curiosity, and just the worse side of my feelings getting the best of me. I wasn't thinking about what I was doing when I did it. I'm ashamed to have done it. Thank you regardless, though.. I appreciate the concern and info given, even if I already knew, it still means a lot that you'd take the time..

And I have to agree, you're probably right about my mom. I can tell she's concerned, and cares, with how she's been acting.. she's a lot like me honestly, so she probably is just having trouble with how/what to say.. But regardless that feeling of neglect lingers.

Again, thank you. But I've tried these things, and they do work for a short while, but as I said when it get's dark out (Literally, my mood drops with the sun, it seems), my mood seems to plummet. I've gone for walks, cuddled my pet snake or cat, drawn. Makes me feel good during, and a short while after, but then that happy feeling just disappears. It's honestly very frustrating, very tiring, and very defeating. I've been trying to solve this for a year or so now.

And I respect how you feel about medication, but honestly I've tried therapy, time to myself, exercise, but nothing seems to effectively work. I honestly believe they can help. I know people who've taken them and said they feel so much better, and able to do the simple tasks they usually couldn't. Now, however, I do understand antidepressants can and do have a tendency to have a lot of negative effects... but not always. And I'm willing to try it for that chance that maybe they can help me.

My marks, my health, my mental state, my friendships, all of these things have been going downhill. I've been trying my damn hardest to get these demons out of my head, the thoughts, the nothingness. I honestly don't know what to do, and I've held off on medication. But it can't hurt to give it a go.

Honestly, thank you so much for taking the time to reply.. It means a LOT.

[Tyga]

I try to help where I can.


If you ever need someone to talk to, or to just shoot the shit, my doors always open and I'm usually lurking around somewhere shadowy. I hope things start to look up for you.

[Midnight Madness]

Zaelis, it took a lot of strength to fight back like you did for that whole year. The ways I saw you all throughout were worrying and I swear I meant every word I said when it came to trying to comfort you. I still do and always will. I promise that many people understand and wish they could help, but they too are scared and don't know what to say. Just keep an open heart, and many people will slowly embrace you in an empathetic hug.

In the three years we've known each other, I have yet to see you give up easily. You fight like a warrior even despite innumerable disadvantages with your opponents, and you have won many battles so far. There's no shame in being overpowered after the myriad of battles you've achieved victory in. Defeat like this is only there to help you win even more, and then some. You're still fighting, I know, and I'm happy to talk to you every day as you need it like we have been during this whole time. I'm sorry if I ever froze up, but that was just one another defeat that showed me my errors, encouraging me to do better the next time. Even the mightiest warriors and the happiest people can bear scars from battles fought long ago or even the day before.

I will supplement your power with my own, and I know the opponent is strong, but it will be defeated all the same. I have the endurance, and even more to lend to you even during the fighting. Even the greatest heroes had their critics and those who called them "freaks" or "monsters," but we all know that they weren't, and Zae... you're one of those heroes. You're kindhearted, talented, intelligent, a survivalist, creative and extremely unique in all the most interesting ways. You have the skills to make it far in life, and I promise you've been harnessing them more and more every day, and I have every ounce of faith in your ability to make it through this. Jiggy, Jordan, Colton, Troi, myself and now Tyga all have your back. Zeph even said, roughly, "whenever she feels the urge, she should just speak to someone about it, and it can help offer some relief." So the staff team does care as well.

You matter and we care. You'll never truly be alone, I promise.