Star Wars: Legacy by Trinity (in progress)

[Trinity_Zane]

Author's Note: please leave a review below I'd like your input but please I didn't ask for criticism, I know my grammar could use work. Hope you enjoy I'll be updating this throughout the week so stay tuned!


Chapter 1
The Crash


"Dear Diary,


I fell asleep on a CLASS C interstellar freightship bound for the neutral zone today, it was named the Prayer...I woke up in a ditch with a headache."


There was a slight tingle as something warm pulled through his eye and rolled down the other cheek. A wild western wind blew over him with an uncomfortable sting of sand.
He was sitting himself up now, slowly regaining the senses lost during the crash.


There.


Down below in an island aflame sat the mangled remains of the Prayer. As he drew closer he had noticed several other bodies scattered before the wreckage. Some of them were an obvious fatality, the others were not so lucky.


He could no longer come near the flames for the heat grew unbearable. Anyone inside was surely dead, he had no doubt. There was a man-General Koran by his side, although he seemed more alert than Zip.


He was reaching out to him, yelling as it were but Zip's mind couldn't understand-didn't want to. However somehow he managed to grab the Labrador's paw, which whisked him further away from the crash site.


(7 days later)


It was early morning when the oppressive heat of day replaced a fridge desert breeze. Two men stood several paces apart, one of these was Zippo. Around them was a circle drawn into the sand. Now just beyond that boundary sat the rest of the survivors of The Prayer crash.


They were fighting each other as they had done since they arrived. The surge of power, a whoosh of yellow and green lightsaber clashed. It was bright enough to make everyone cringe and lean backwards.


Zoran's patient approach usually outfoxed Zippo's aggression (no pun intended). Although he fought like a young man with nothing help back, in this game of cat and mouse perhaps it wasn't strength but speed of mind.


He had made one fatal mistake and raised his saber above his head. Zoran took this opportunity to burn him once on the leg and the side.


Zippo had collapsed in pain and abandoned the lightsaber before he hit the ground. His long blonde hair covered his face in a tangle of golden locks. Through them though Zip could see the General's boots come closer.


The labrador's paw came down in a reassuring grasp of his shoulder, he helped him up as the Rebels cheered and laughed.


To be continued...

[Trinity_Zane]

Author's Note: continued

(later that night)

He sat in the sand, basked in an afternoon sunset. His fur seemed to soak it in and radiate a brilliant orange. The vulpes glanced down sulking at the ration of food given him. Just then there was the pleasant sound of a woman's voice, a rather smooth one which hit him and ran down his spine like cool water.

"So how much longer huh?" She climbed over the summit of the dune and sat beside him.

Zip sat quietly, hung his head low and scratched at the agitated skin above his wounds. The rebel, a coyote age 24 bumped him playfully with her shoulder. He didn't look at her, didn't move a muscle-only stared out into the horizon as if he could see through to the other side.

A considerable time passed and she found the silence uncomfortable "You're doing good, you know."

"Do you?"

Her paw went over him and rest on his shoulder "Don't be so hard on yourself Zip. You're doing better than the rest of us."

An aggressive night chased away daylight a cold shadow came over them. He huddled his legs into himself, sighed deeply.

"It's only a matter if time before The First Order finds us Volt." He shrugged her paw off him, his eyes wandered down over to The Prayer "We're outnumbered, outgunned and out of time."

"Don't be like that. You know there's still hope. Gen. Zoran is counting on us." Volt glided down on her buttocks to look up at him "C'mon we better get some shut eye."

(End chapter 1)

[Proto Triose]

Let me say I love the new characters for an established world. I would love to see more of the Star Wars universe, and as I can tell you have a very high respect for it, I think you could do it justice. I'm also a big fan of detail, but not too much. The way you're doing it is just right. I don't need to know that desert is hot, I don't need to know that it gets cold at night. We all know that, so don't waste my or other readers' time detailing it too much. A small noting of the passing from cold to heat - that's detail that's worth it. It tells me the time of day, that it's getting warmer. Maybe it's more abrupt here; from what I read, that's what it sounded like. Again, information I need to know! You did that wonderfully. You get across the difficulty your character is suffering very well, the time constraint, the dire straights they're in. Loved the small ration detail! Really made it hit home how desperate the situation is. And I really got how quickly they had to figure things out and move before the First Order got there.


I'm not going to critique grammar, nor am I going to come down hard. All works are works in progress, and I definitely don't mind anything in an initial draft. You should have seen mine before I cleaned it up! But to help when editing, there are a few times when it got confusing because of the tense change. There were a couple past tense parts ("[size=0px] [/size][/size][size=0px]Some of them were an obvious fatality, the others were not so lucky. [/size][/size][size=0px]He could no longer come near the flames for the heat grew unbearable."[/size][/size] Some of them -were-, then we jump to "he could no longer come near." One is past tense, the other is present tense. There's nothing wrong with jumping between tenses, but I find separating the change by a few sentences makes it a little less jarring for the reader, where it's aesthetically more prudent to change. It can add a certain dramatic style and get the point across, much in the way a run on sentence can denote haste or urgency, or a sentence fragment can convey finality.)
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[/size]The only other thing I noticed to be careful of is where a description goes in the sentence. This is something I have a hard time with when I'm deep into the story and just writing away. Location of the description is important. Putting it after the object or action (swiftly grabbed the gun vs. grabbed swiftly the gun) can lead to confusion for the reader. Did he grab the gun with a swift reaction? Or is the gun named swiftly? Now I know most people won't think the gun has a name, but it will still cause the brain to pause, which breaks up the fluidity of the moment. It sounds knit-picky, and the advice might not work for your style. Never, ever change your style - yours is always a unique voice. How would you like Asimov to sound like Sanderson to sound like Dickens? Literature would be boring. However, it might be something you agree with.
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[/size]"[/size][size=0px]The rebel, a coyote age 24 bumped him playfully with her shoulder.[/size][/size]" This is just so you can see what I mean. Here we have the descriptive part (a coyote age 24) after who it was. It can be conveyed as a rebel -and- a coyote bumped him playfully with her shoulder. Or, if put as "A 24-year old coyote rebel bumped him playfully on the shoulder" then we know the rebel -is- the 24-year old coyote. If that makes sense.
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[/size]I hope this helped a little! Absolutely keep writing, I want to see where you take this and where it ends! And don't sweat the small grammar mistakes; I don't focus on that because that's what those lazy editors are paid for.

[Trinity_Zane]

Author's Note: Thank you Proto for you feed back I'll keep your advice in mind ^^ although sometimes I do switch things up because I get bored writing within 'grammar rules'. Anywho enjoy!



Chapter 2 pt.1


There was a sudden impact, one which shook the sand he laid on. It hit The Prayer, in that instant the ship exploded. The sound of the blast carried for miles. Zip clumsily-frantically got to his feet and fled for cover but there wasn't any shelter for miles.


The debris when it came down was vaporized by further firing from a Tie fighter. The round of a plasma cannon buried in front of him. It was enough to blow him on his back. Zip rolled over as the shadow of a Tie Fighter passed overhead.


Zip found himself reaching down to the leather holster girded at his hip. His eyes returned to the sky, the enemy ship's engines firing. The blaster pistol had fallen out of it's holster in the retreat. Volt grabbed Zip's vest by the shoulder straps and pulled him away.


A barrage of laser fire came down on them. The first two rounds missed horribly, however the next couple were too close for comfort. In fact they would've been killed if it wasn't for General Zoran's return fire.