Cynism and Tasteless-ness

[Bricket]

You might wonder why I picked this title of the thread?
Well it's more a description how current stuff is going for me.

A few months ago I tried to kill myself and after I've almost done it I figured out that someone I know from this forum actually was steering me into suicide and was having a gig when he heard I almost did it. Since then but also a bit before the action I kinda lost taste in life, I go through the days like I just "am there", no real joy in things ,or just even doing the hobbies I have.

Yes I'm already on meds for my crippling depression but these are more for keeping you able to work than to actually feel better, to get the full treatment I need to go to a shrink yet I don't have the budget for it. This whole situation and a few others have effect on me, in less than 2 hours the youth parliaments commince yet I don't feel happy or sad that I'm a participant/vice-president of one of the biggest parties; I just go on auto-pilot.


The cynism you ask? It's not too difficult: it's how I see everything.

Anyway: someone advice to what to do?

[Firefly Wolfy]

Hey Bricket, I'm always here for you... My advice, focus on the positive things in your life. Think of your friends, this community, your dog, your photography, everything. If you need to talk to someone, you know I'm here. I care about you very very much and so does everyone else on this forum. I'm here for you; we're here for you. Always *hugs* 

[Bricket]

Thanks Firefly for saying that 

[Ventus Fall]

Hello Bricket,

Sorry to hear that this happened to you, and is happening to you. I'm glad to hear you are still around. I understand things can be very hard and... well, yeah. I know friends who also went on medication for depression, after a while they were able to get off of it and actually enjoy things (or enjoy them more than they did before the depression).
I think personally you should see the medication as a way to help you get some guidance on your life. While they're not helping with making you feel better, they -I take it- are helping making sure you can get through the day. That somehow they balance things out a bit. I think you should first focus on that. Regulating your life a bit more, find out what direction you want to take. What do you want to do? What are your dreams?
You don't need to depend on a psychologist or psychiatrist, they can only simply give you tools and guidelines how you can help yourself. In the end it's up to you what you want to do, where you want to go to, what you want to be.

Are there any things, hobbies, people, etc. that make you happy? I'm not necessarily talking about right now, I understand if the medication or other things kind of prevent you from feeling sad or happy. I'm more talking about in your whole lifetime, what have been things that made you happy?
For me it's drawing, gaming, hanging out with people, etc. I can be fine when I don't do any of those (well, except drawing ) but I do enjoy them. Swimming or skiing are examples of sports I enjoy.
Anything you like to do?
And what are goals you would like to achieve?

Even if you made a decision where to go, but the direction changes somewhere along the line, it's fine! That means you just have a different goal to now follow instead

Hope this helps.

[Bricket]

Thanks for the advice.

Anyway I'm back from the youth Parliament, wished I've never participated.
The president decided to go open chart and share with me publically how others saw and called me and I'm still quite impressed on how others saw me.
But this has also confirmed an irrelevant fear I had and to be fair, I'm not bothered that it became reality: I'm not wanted, irrelevant and most of all: a bother to their presence.

Honestly at this point I don't think it's the effort and I have this for alot of things that have happened.
I've decided to quit my hobbies and just to try to focus on my studies (if it is not too late, but would it be bad?)

[Ventus Fall]

No problem, Bricket

Wishing to have never participated is a silly thing to worry about for various reasons.
1) Whether you have had a good experience or not, it's still an experience you've gotten. See this in whatever way you want to, but it is due to especially hard and challenging times someone learns. They learn more in general, and they learn about the situation, how to perhaps change things for the better, how to see if they can move the situation moreso to their advantage, etc.
2) Wishing for not having been a part of something that one has been a part of is silly, not efficient, time-consuming, energy-wasting, and demotivational. You want to get your life on track? Look ahead, not backwards.

There are loads of other reasons as well, and I'm sure you see where I'm going with these reasons. It's really not worth it.
As for not being wanted: Who the hell cares? You should be there for yourself, do things you want to do. Stop thinking about others. You should of course not be a douchebag to other people, but stop worrying about what others think of you. It's not worth it.

Also, it's entirely up to you whether you decide to take up hobbies or not, but by saying what you said you have decided to ignore why I advised you to take up hobbies. Hobbies are a thing that is important. Maybe you're different, but everyone I have come across needs some form of a hobby besides their work or study, otherwise they just get more and more demotivated, feel 'life is passing by' without them really doing anything, without trying to enjoy things.

You shouldn't neglect your studies. I think you should plan in when you study, and when you take time to do other things (like hobby-related stuff).

[Charlie_arts]

if you feel life is just passing by on auto-pilot, maybe this could be something to think about?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rORIDYHOFTQ&list=LLK-QmQnexkLXCTJkgBIDffw&index=1

Have myself used games in the past to make the day go by untill i was no longer depressed (did take some time though) got addicted very deeply in world of warcraft (dropped out of school, one of the reasons was this) but i beat my depression with it and are working now with no highschool edjucation.
Otherwise i think it is imortent to feel "something" depression have a way of clouding out all feelings and feeling anything is better then nothing.
Try out dark souls if you have not before, that game will make anyone get furoius after a while and maybe that is what you need? To feel something in your life if that is the case.
Only speaking from experience here, not read up on the subject so could be wrong, or right.