you have no idea what this means to me
I've always been a bit hesitant about posting what I write, but I never expected people would enjoy it that much, or that it would be that good :-[
a present to you, the story so far, in full =^_^=
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I was never any good at understanding my feelings… So I have decided to write them down, in an attempt to gain clarity. Until I met you, I had never really had any strong emotions, or if I did, I would repress them, pushing them deep into my psyche, with a half assed excuse. I guess I should thank you, because in a way, you let me feel human again, even if it was through pain and depression.
I hear voices. I tell people. But it’s always with a fake smile. Unless you’ve heard them, you can’t really fathom what it feels like, to know that they’re always there, in the shadows of your mind, haunting your every thought. I’m afraid to fall asleep, afraid to just stop, because I know they’re there.
I’ve told lies all my life, so much so that it has become a subconscious reaction to everything. Even now, if I stop, I don’t think anyone really knows me, or if I even know myself anymore. I’m not sure I want to find out…
Today was a new day, and I told myself that I was going to repress my emotions again, no matter how hard it hurt me. It was going well, until I saw you. You were with another man, and although I knew he couldn’t possibly be with you, every time I saw you with him, it had felt as though a red hot knife had gone through my heart a thousand times over in each instant. I spent the time staring out of a window, tears half-forming in my eyes.
You talked to me today, aside from the texts on someone else’s phone. Though I had told myself I didn’t care, that I couldn’t care, every word, every time our eyes met, a little of the fleeting light returned to my world. You left with a half-formed apology, your smile not quite reaching your eyes. Now, I am left to the dark…
It’s getting harder and harder everyday. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems the more I avoid you, the closer we are, the closer you are to my heart. Maybe the universe is cruel, but it seems we are fated to be intertwined. I had developed ways of occupying my mind, of keeping myself distracted whenever you were around. As of now, they are failing. I guess that’s one for my heart, zero for my mind… As I was doing these “exercisesâ€, your leg brushed mine, and your hand accidentally passed over mine. I’m sure you didn’t notice, but to me, it was as though every nerve had been seared shut. I cringed away, withdrawing myself once again, yearning for your touch.
I can’t say for certain when this had started, but I had always been aware of it. Growing up, my mother never had much time for me. She was a foster parent, and her motto was “kids with real problems first.†She had never actually said it of course, but it was always implied. Perhaps this was the start, but I digress, I am not so naive as to blame it all on her.
My father had “run†out on us after I was born. I don’t hate my father, and I only say run, because that is what my mother told me. At the time, the fact that it was after my birth was just a fact, it was to be filed away with things like “the sky is blueâ€. As I got older, I had asked my mom why he had “runâ€. She looked at me for a minute, before turning around and saying “He couldn’t deal with you, so he said he was gay and walked out on me…†I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it, but to me, it was probably the single most crushing thing anyone had ever told me. Later, she realised what it meant to me, and had tried placate me.
We were at an assembly today, a transparent ruse of ditching class, for some reason I was vaguely aware of. I saved a set for you, in some hope that maybe, just maybe, you would acknowledge me. Instead, you sat two seats over, in his lap. You turned and smiled to me, as though it would calm me down… I smiled back, I could never disappoint you.
I dreamt about you again last night. Ironic, how the only dreams I ever remember, are the ones I want to forget… Every night, I lay awake, staring at my ceiling, praying that I either won’t fall asleep, or that I will awake with a blank mind. Every morning, I wake with tears falling down my face, a phantom pain deep in my chest. Most days, I wish they were simple nightmares, because if they were, I could dismiss them easily. Unfortunately, they are probably the best thing I have ever experienced in my short life. There is never anything bad, per-say, in them, only images of us. They are mundane, in most instances, just us doing things we would do if we were together in real life, just being. That is probably what makes it worse. As great as this dreams are, in happenstance, I wake with the knowledge that they are what they are, just dreams. Every morning, it is like someone has ripped my heart out, and fed it to me. To make matters worse, I must then go to school, ware I am forced to watch you, with what could be fresh on my mind… The wound deepens…
We were sitting together outside today. I can't exactly remember why, but I do remember this: I was the happiest man alive. On one level I knew there was no way this would possibly last, that I didn't care... you leaned against me, under the pretence of "cold". You weren't shivering... I wrapped my arm around you and brushed yours gently up and down. In my mind, I knew I was doing the wrong thing, but it was almost and instinct. As of late, it seems nothing I do, nothing I say to myself, means anything, it has become as though, on a subconscious level, I have begun to live not for myself, but for you... Could this be what they call love? I shudder at the thought.
Today was the first day back from the winder holidays, I can't say that I was excited, exactly, but there was something there. Three days before now, I changed one thing about me, objectively, it was of little importance, but subjectively... I could say that I didn't care what other people thought, I could say that the reason was totally introspective, but you and I both know I would be lying. Or at least, I only really cared what one person thought of it. You laughed along with everybody else. I hid my tears behind a half-assed smile and the flip of a page. I retreated deeper into the barricade of my heart.
We were at a party last night, I don’t really remember why, maybe a birthday… As the night wore on, it had come to my attention that the closer we were, and fate seemed determined we were, that the farther apart I was, from you, from everyone. Over the holidays, I had built up a sort of immunity to you. Or at least, I buried my feelings. Until that point, I was doing a decent job of going through the motions, but… She had to say something, She had mentioned an event going on at school the following Monday, and we both said we wanted to go. She smirked, and I feared for what might happen next. She turned to you and said “I’ll pay for you if…†and then she whispered in your ear. You proclaimed, when she withdrew, that you didn’t care, and that it was no big deal, and you turned to me. Time seemed to slow as you stepped towards me, and before I knew what was happening, you had grabbed me, and put your lips against mine. There was almost no pressure, and it must have looked terribly awkward, but I didn’t care. In that instant, a thousand suns were born, and had died, in my heart. Everything seemed to melt away, and only you and I were left in existence. I was happy. More than that, in that moment, that glorious, life-giving moment, there was nothing that could stem the feeling growing deep within my very soul. You pulled away and, reluctantly, I opened my eyes. I saw the world in a new light. Everything was so bright! I could have laughed out loud with the pure elation I was feeling. I almost did. For once, I was glad that I was left in darkness, because no one could see my grin, or my tears.
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